"I'm going for a walk."

And then I leave, and the fresh moist air outside calms me down a small bit.

Or maybe it's the fact that I'm not being stared at by my ex that calms me down. Whichever, it's working.

Seth is so going to die tommorow.

I realize, then, about twenty footsteps away from my house, that I don't actually want to go for a walk.

Smart choice, Leah. You couldn't have been like, "I'm going to my room," or, you know, not even told them what you're going to be doing because you don't actually care enough about either of them right now to even talk to them, and just gotten up and gone to your room. Nope. You had to go outside for a walk.

And then I realize, I can't even go back yet, because he's still there. And I just don't feel like putting myself in that awkward situation where I come back three minutes after I announced that I was going out for a walk.

So, what to do now?

...stupid small town. Never anything to do. And the only real friend I have is...well, not really my friend anymore.

That sounds so childish. But she really isn't. I can't even look at her the same way anymore.

And that has nothing to do with her scars. Which totally creep me out, by the way. But, and i'm mad enough for this to bug me, she still somehow manages to be absolutely beautiful with three huge scars marring her face. And arm. And the back of her hand.

Emily and her gorgeousness.

I wonder if I were prettier, that Sam would have stayed with me. Its something I think about a lot, especially lately...because lately I'm starting to look more like a guy than a girl.

And it's just so awesome.

It's not my face, though, my face has stayed the same. Its my body. And I thought I was done with this puberty bullshit. But no, oh no. All of a sudden, I decided to get rediculously tall. Much taller than any girl would be comfortable with being. And to add insult to injury, without even trying, I'm starting to get muscles all over my arms and legs. I still look like a chick, but a slightly...manly chick.

At least I have my hair and my boobs. Those always help.

I guess I am pretty, but I used to be sure I was. When I was with Sam, how could I doubt that? I mean, Sam, the most gorgeous guy in school, and he asked me out freshman year in highschool. Everybody was after him, but it was me he wanted. We didn't stop dating until...

He had been missing for two weeks. I'd nearly gone crazy, I thought nothing worse could ever happen.

Ha.

When he came back, he was not the same man I loved. I still loved him, with everything I had, and I had thought he still loved me. But he would always be doing strange things, sneaking out in the middle of the night... dissappearing off doing god knows what, and he wouldn't tell me anything. He always told me everything. He didn't trust me anymore.

My cousin came for a visit while he was over. I knew something was up the moment they saw eachother. Emily was looking at Sam, my Sam like he was the most important thing in the world, the most beautiful person she'd ever seen, like he was the most delicious food...

I was too angry at first to even notice that Sam was looking at her the exact same way. When I did notice, I dragged him outside. It was not without effort. He wouldn't budge one bit, I had to yell his name a couple of times before he even noticed I was trying to get his attention.

He looked absolutely shocked. Like he had been hit by a train and lived, and when I finally had him outside, he had his thinking face on. His eyebrows were knit together, his lips pursed, perfection even in stress.

And then he looked at me. He stared into my eyes like he was searching for my soul. We just stood there for what seemed like hours, him just staring so intensely. Slowly, his eyes grew wide. Slowly, they filled with tears. Slowly, he turned around. Slowly, he walked away.

I couldn't follow him. I was too scared to find out what was wrong. I looked over to see Emily staring at Sam's retreating figure, tears stained her cheeks, then she looked back at me, and fresh tears began to fall. I didn't want to piece it together. I think I knew what had happened, deep down, that they had somehow fallen for eachother. Without even speaking a word to one another, they were in love. I refused to believe it until Sam broke up with me a week after that. I knew why. He didn't need to explain it to me, but he tried to. I just tuned it all out. I didn't want to hear that the man I loved, the man that was mine, no longer was. He belonged to my best friend, my cousin.

And now, apparently, Seth, as well.

What was he even doing hanging around Seth? Sure, I'd heard about his stupid little "gang". It wasn't even a real gang. No, it was a gang of protectors.

Yes, I'm totally serious.

But Seth was fourteen. What's he going to protect? Not to mention, that everyone hanging out with Sam nowadays turns into an empty shell...

...or turns less cheery.

Well, shit. There's no denying it now, Seth's in Sam's little protectors pack. Awesome.

But why? This is so rediculous! I mean, why would Seth do this to me? He knows how much Sam hurt me... I'm sure he's heard me crying in my room once or twice. I tried to keep it down, but sometimes it just hurt too much to control it. And Seth's room is right beside mine. So why would he do this? Revenge, or something?

I know I've been a bit of a bitch lately, but this? This is definately hitting below the belt.

My hands start to shake again, which is odd because that's not my normal reaction to getting angry. Usually, if my facial expression doesn't give it away, you can't tell if I'm angry. Maybe it's genetic... I've seen Seth's hands shake like this before.

Stupid Seth. Stupid Seth and his hateful ways.

But he's not hateful. He's the most compassionate, kind person I know. Why would he do this? Betray his own sister and hang with the enemy.

My whole arms are shaking, and I look retarded. But I can't stop it. They just keep vibrating on their own. I pick up my pace, maybe running will calm me down. Only, the road leads to the park, and I don't feel like being around people with my arms vibrating, so I run into the woods.

Yeah, bad idea. My jeans, my favourite jeans, the ones that frame me so perfectly, get torn mid-thigh. I loved those jeans.

If Seth hadn't become so buddy buddy with my ex boyfriend, I'd still have my favourite jeans.

And then the vibrating spreads through my entire body, like a fast catching fire. And it seems more like fire, because of the heat coursing through my body. Is this...am I having a siezure? This makes no sense, shouldn't I be unconcious?

My muscles start bunching and tightening, and it's the worst pain imaginable. I try to scream, but it comes out sounding like a hacking cough. Maybe I should have gone to the park, somebody could help me...but I can't move my legs, they hurt too much. I feel paralyzed, only I can feel everything, and everything hurts.

Then, I'm not quite sure what happens next, because what it looks like is so absolutely rediculous that I must be delusional from this...weird seizure, but it seems as though I'm morphing into something...big. And if I thought I was in pain before, I was sorely mistaken.