Author's Note: This was originally written for my English Literature and Compisition course. It is a parody written in the style of The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (which I will openly admit I hated reading, but I daresay I captued the annoying style well) and a retelling of Rapunzel. This is all in good fun! Enjoy! And please let me know what you think.
Catcher in the Tower
If you really want to know about it, the first thing you'll probably want to hear is where I was born, how lousy my childhood was, what my fondest wishes are, and all that kind of introductory crap. But to be honest, that stuff kind of bores me.
Actually, I'm kind of bored all the time. Being stuck in a tower for the better part of your life and all does that. Sure, at first it's kind of neat, being able to look out the window and see the ducks fly overhead and stuff, but after a while you sort of get sick of staring out your window all day. And I never got into cross-stitching. It's so phony. I mean, you're not really even making anything worthwhile. You're just poking a needle into a pre-made piece of fabric in hopes that you'll make a little picture. If you're really that desperate, pick up a pencil and paper for Crissake!
The only thing I can do is sit at that stupid window, brush my hair, and watch the ducks. I have a lot of goddam hair. It comes from not having any scissors in this tower. And no door.
So, the other day I was sitting in my window brushing my blonde hair and watching the ducks fly overhead, when I hear this voice come outta nowhere. It said,
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your golden hair!"
I look down and I see this phony sitting on a horse under my window. He just looked like a phony, you know? A handsome guy all dressed up in these nice clothes on a good-looking horse and all. I just asked him how he knew my name. He said he heard from the witch who locked me up there, and he set out to rescue me.
What a phony. He probably just needed a date to some stupid ball.
And then he called again,
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your golden hair, that I might climb that golden stair."
I got the idea that he wanted to use my hair as a rope so he could bust me outta this goddam place. So I started gathering up all of my hair to throw out the window. I caught sight of another one of those ducks. And I wondered where they were going. I kept wondering as I picked up all of my hair, where do those ducks go when the weather starts getting cold? Did they go hibernate someplace or something?
"Hey, guy," I called down to him, "do you happen to know where those ducks are going?"
He glanced up, all confused-like—was he stupid or something?—and frowned. "I don't know."
"Oh," was all I said as I finished looping my hair around my arm.
Just as I was about to throw my hair out the window to the guy on the horse, I suddenly felt real depressed. I guess just thinking about leaving the place I'd been living in forever was a little miserable. Even if it was a tower without a goddam door.
Suddenly, I felt so depressed you can't even imagine. Then that phony started yelling again:
I just wanted to tell him to shut his goddam mouth. I really did.
"—let down your golden hair!"
Now I was really depressed. I wasn't really in the mood to escape anymore.
"No," I said, "I don't think I will. You see, I just recently had an operation…"
"An operation? How could you have an operation, if you've been locked up in a tower for the better part of your life?"
Then that phony's horse started pacing nervously, you know? Like horses tend to do. I kind of wanted to throw myself out the window to make it quit. But I didn't want to be splattered all over the ground for that phony to gape at. I was starting to feel sorta dizzy.
I shook my head to clear it, and all, and I told him to go find some other goddam girl to rescue, because I'd just wait for somebody who wasn't such a goddam phony to get me out of here.
So, that's my story. Believe it or not. I don't care. I'm not doing too bad now, though. Some new guy came to get me out of that tower, not a phony like that other guy, somebody with real problems and all who's not afraid to tell you what he thinks. Rumpy-somethin'. Said if he couldn't manage to steal and keep a baby he could manage to steal a princess. Turns out that other guy got what he wanted, too. Rescued a phony just like himself from a crazy sorceress that wanted to kill her, and all. They lived happily ever after and all that phony crap.
I didn't live happily ever after, I hope you know. I'm still out having adventures. And not with no goddam phonies, either.