Dear Ken and Eliza,

My girlfriend keeps asking me to lose weight, but I'm fine with the way that I am. What can I do?

Exasperated Edmond

Dear Exasperated,

Honda? Is that you?! And you have a girl?! When did this happen?

-KM-

Dear Exasperated,

In your case you may have to tell her it's an occupational hazard and if sumo is your life, do you really want to give it up?

-EM-

PS: Even if you were to do the Atkin's diet, you'd still be left with a ton of saggy skin. Quite frankly, I think you look better pleasantly plump rather than slim with windflaps…

-KM-

PPS: I apologize yet again for my husband's lack of tact

-EM-

Dear Ken and Eliza,

My girlfriend gets really angry when I talk to other girls, even girls I've known for a long time. Sometimes she'll go through my phone logs or even get into my email account (I've had to buy one of those thumbprint logins). What do I do to get her to stop being such a damn snoop?

Fed Up in Fairbanks

Dear Fed Up

Uh, wait a sec, I missed the part where you're still with her…

-KM-

Dear Fed Up,

Her actions show a disturbing lack of trust on her part, as well as a complete lack of boundaries. I think the more important question is why do you want to be with someone like this?

-EM-

PS: Maybe he's a masochist…

-KM-

Dear Ken and Eliza,

I think my wife is having an affair. How can I know for sure?

Cuckold in Canada

Dear Cuckold,

Ask her. Nothing like getting it straight from the horse's mouth.

-KM-

Dear Cuckold,

Shy of hiring a PI, asking is really the only way to know. Does she have reason to cheat? Or if you don't like the direct approach, ask how she feels about the marriage. If she's really dissatisfied, you'll know.

-EM-

Dear Ken and Eliza,

I've known this girl for a long time and we are totally close, but I don't know if I should ask her out. How do I know if she's interested?

Shy in Sheffield

Dear Shy,

If you've gone longer than three months without picking up a vibe either you're blind or you've got FRIEND branded all over your forehead.

-KM-

Dear Shy,

Women tend to know fairly soon if they're attracted to someone or not. If you've known her a long time and she's shown nary a hint of interest, it may be that she just sees your relationship as strictly platonic. You can always ask her though and see if anything comes of it.

-EM-

PS: Uh, Eliza, I think his goal was to avoid rejection…

-KM-