Dear Ken and Eliza,

I am training for a big fight and my wife does not seem to understand that we cannot have sex as often because it drains my chi. I really want to win, but on the other hand, I am in a difficult position because she is both very sexy and also very scary when I tell her no. How do you recommend I remedy this situation?

Ruminating Ryo


Dear Ryu – er, I mean – Ryo,

Uh, last I recall, it's not the sex that drains your chi, it's when you allow yourself the happy ending. See? Problem solved. Point but don't shoot and everybody wins. Chun L – uh, Wifey – gets to bump her uglies and you win your fight. Well, maybe everybody wins, but your prostate is getting a bit of the shaft, no pun intended. Hope this helps, Buddy!

-KM-

Dear Ruminating,

If you want to hold on your chi, you can go on an antidepressant for a short time. You can still get it up, but you won't be able to finish. It's an off-label use for the treatment of premature ejaculation. Not that I'm implying you have this problem, but it should work until your fight is over.

-EM-

PS: And when you come off it, you can REALLY bust a nut!

-KM-


Dear Ken and Eliza,

My boyfriend wants to move in with me, but I just don't feel comfortable giving up the space. I like my privacy and what if we have a fight? I like the fact that I have my own place to go to. How do I tell him no without hurting his feelings?

Pondering in Pennsylvania

Dear Pondering,

Tell him you have a really bad, very loud and embarrassing flatulence problem that would be impossible to hide in your poorly ventilated apartment. I guarantee he won't want to stay with you.

-KM-

Dear Pondering,

I'd ask him first why he's so keen on moving in all of a sudden.

-EM-

PS: Nah, have him spend the night as an experiment and eat a ton of beans before he comes over…

-KM-

PPS: Do you ever give advice that doesn't involve passing gas?

-EM-

PPPS: Hey, woman, I stick with what works…

-KM-


Dear Ken and Eliza

I love my boyfriend but he's super cheap. How do I get him to be less of a tightwad?

Skint in Scranton

Dear Skint,

Get a new boyfriend.

-KM-

Dear Skint,

If he's cheap now, he'll be cheap forever and nothing will change that. Get used to it, or get going.

-EM-

PS: Mebbe a brain transplant would do it…know any good donors?

-KM-