"The Ultimate Death Note Parody" – Kiba Inubake
I swear, I was not high when I wrote this. But I did get some inspiration from crack videos. ^^ I admit, I used a few lines, but at least I came up with irrelevent scenarios for them...right? Erm...enjoy!
Volume 1: "Pure Crack"
The room was lit by sweet, cinnamon-scented candles. Misa was lying on her bed playing with herself, wearing nothing at all…because she expected Light to be coming any minute now. And just then, he walked in, followed by Ryuk.
"Light!" Misa exclaimed. She stopped fornicating with herself and hopped off her bed. She bounded over to Light, size-B fun parts bouncing everywhere. Ryuk's attention was definitely caught.
"Misa," he said as he walked in, simply passing her by. He took a seat on her bed—away from where she had been, anyway. "You'll do anything for me, won't you?"
"You know I will, Light!" Misa cheerfully replied. She got on her knees and made the motion to unzip his jeans. His hand knocked hers away, however.
"That's not what I meant…" Light responded, frustrated. "Can I ask you to do something for me?"
Misa's eyes shined with loyalty. "Yes."
"Can I ask you to—" He was cut off.
Light tried to restrain himself. "Misa," he said more sternly, "will you—". Guess what?
"Yes," she said in that same tone.
'This is the first time I've ever actually felt like hitting a girl…' Light clenched his fists. "Misa! Cut it out!"
"Yes." She just wouldn't give it a rest.
'At least she said yes…' Light thought, still feeling irritable. "Can you ask L to kill Rem?"
Ryuk suddenly became confused. "…Huh?"
Meanwhile, Soichiro had invited L over for dinner. L was stoned, so he didn't think about it. All he knew was, he was hungry. And Watari was off being British over at his orphanage in Winchester, England; so L had no way to get free food.
There was a knock at the door. "That must be him," Soichiro said to Sachiko. He walked toward the door, and opened it to find L acting stranger than ever.
"Oh…haha, hey, Yagami-san. It's me, your buddy Lawliet! …Oops, did I just say my name? Heheheh, ahh, Kira's not gonna find out, no, no… Everything's gonna be all right, man…" L said, falling down due to a lack of balance. "I spent some time down in Jamaica once; I know this for reals…" His attitude and bloodshot eyes proved he had spent his time in Jamaica doing religious activities with Rastafarians. (A/N: Rastafarians commonly smoke marijuana when they're trying to contact God, or so I've heard.) "Ugh, I'm just glad I found the right house this time! The last few houses I went to were really rude!" L crossed his arms and pouted.
"You…went to other houses?" Soichiro asked.
"There are a million other houses with your exact address in this area, Yagami-san," L stated. "They all say different numbers on their mailboxes, but I think they all made mistakes. They painted the wrong address on, the stupid…stupids."
Soichiro almost felt like shooting himself. "Sigh… Come in, Ryuzaki," he said, moving out of the way.
Now seated at the dinner table, L was staring intensely at Sayu. "Hmm… Yes, very nice…"
On the receiving end, Sayu was a little freaked out. A stoned genius with no iris displayed in his eyes was checking out a 14-year-old middle schooler. "Dad," Sayu complained in a near-inaudible voice, "what's he doing?"
"He's the world's smartest man, Sayu. Let him do as he pleases," her pitiful father told her.
"…Mr. Yagami, if I die within the next few days, your daughter is Kira," L said.
Soichiro gasped, a look of sheer horror coming over his face. "What did you just say, Ryuzaki?!"
"If I die within the next few days, your daughter is—" This time the other genius of the series was interrupted.
"What did you just say, Ryuzaki?!"
"If I die within the next few days, you're Kira," L changed his wording, unamused and irritated.
Soichiro was in a state of inarticulacy.
Up in the Shinigami Realm, the Shinigami were having a meeting.
"Hey guys," Sidoh said in a nerdy voice, "wouldn't it be cool if they put Cloud from Final Fantasy VII in Super Smash Bros. Brawl?"
"Go die, Sidoh," responded the Shinigami King.
"Hey, where's Rem these days?" Asked that weird Death God whose name strikingly resembles Justin Timberlake.
"Didn't you hear? She was killed by some detective a few days ago in the human world," replied that weird, fat slug lady.
"Wha—?!" Exclaimed that small rock thing with thirty eyes.
"…How the hell can you talk? You're a freaking ROCK, dude," Justin Timberlake remarked.
Ide was actually on a date. Yes…Ide. His mommy had set him up on a blind date with a Chinese uggo. Otherwise, he couldn't have gotten a date. Because he's Ide. And no one actually likes Ide.
"So, you like cats…?" He said. "My mom said you liked cats. Do you like cats? Personally, I don't care for cats. I don't care for anything. I care for Aizawa, but I don't care for anything, really. I'm anti-Kira."
The ugly Chinese woman stared at him. "Me no speak-a Nipponese," she responded in English, oddly enough. And she used Japan's Japanese pronunciation.
An annoying voice rang in Ide's head. 'See, Ide? I told you that you couldn't have much of a romance!' Matsuda's teasing hung inside Ide's mind.
"Arrgh…" Ide grunted. 'If anyone should be killed by Kira, it should be you, Matsuda…'
Over at Matsuda's place rang the doorbell. "Ooh, pizza!" He exclaimed happily. "…But wait, I didn't order any pizza… Hmm…so that only leaves…SURPRISE HOOKERS!" He dashed to the door and swung it open, only to fly along with it and hit his head hard against the white-painted wooden door.
He cracked his skull. His body slumped to the ground.
At the door was Aizawa. He came over to see if he'd look cooler if he put a '70s comb in his afro. But instead, he now had the responsibility of dragging Matsuda's bleeding ass over to the hospital. But first, he stole Matsuda's wallet.
Later, once Matsuda was inside the hospital, Aizawa sat down in the lobby. A couple hours later, a doctor stepped toward him and notified him of his idiot friend's condition.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we could do nothing about his head," he informed.
"Y-you mean he's going to die?!" Aizawa shouted.
"What? Who said anything about dying? He's going to be fine," the doctor clarified (somewhat). "I meant we couldn't do anything about what's inside his head. He's too dumb to have his brainpower increased medically."
"…Oh." He proceeded to leave the building. "…My comb is cool…" –End of story!
This was fun to write... Maybe I should make more of these sometime...? What do you think? Tell me how you liked it! Review and we're all happy! ^^