The Epic T-Rated Contest

1. No lemons. Must be rated 'T.'

2. Has to have a line or reference to a cannibal.

3. Has to have a line or reference to a fireman.

4. All canon pairings.

5. Has to be a one-shot, but is allowed to be continued once the contest is finished.

6. Must copy/paste these rules to the top of your submission. Two entries per person. Collaborations acceptable.

7. Must PM Bronzehairedgirl620 to alert them of your entry so we can add your story to the C2 if it fits the requirements.

The contest will run until June 6th, 11:59 MST (Mountain Standard Time.) Submissions need to be posted to FF and must follow the rules above.

Firetrucks, Burgers and Vegetarians

Alice and I had just left the office and were heading out to lunch when we pulled up to an In n' Out Burger.

"Alice, I thought you were a vegetarian! Why are we going to In n' Out Burger?

She giggled. "Take a look."


Parked to the side was a huge, red fire truck.

"You know I have a thing for firemen. That truck is parked here every day around this time. "

"So, the girl who says eating meat makes you a cannibal is going into an In n' Out Burger to hit on some meat-eating fireman? I just want to be clear on how big of a sellout you're being. You do know you'll have to kiss his meat-eating mouth, right?"

"A small price to pay…"


"Bella Swan. Drastic times call for drastic measures. You and I need to find some quality men. I'm tired of going to clubs and being groped by drunken guys. I'm looking for a real man. A guy who volunteers to run into burning buildings and save lives sounds like a quality man to me. So buck up, come in there with me, and find yourself a hottie fireman!"

What could I do? She was driving. Plus, I wasn't the vegetarian.

We walked inside and there were two firemen placing their orders. The one on the left was a lanky guy with wavy blonde hair and crystal blue eyes. Very good-looking. I couldn't believe it. Was Alice psychic or something? This guy looked like she'd ordered him in the mail. I turned and looked at the other guy. Once I did, my heart picked up the pace, and I had to remind myself about the importance of breathing. He was breathtaking. I could only see his profile, but DAMN. His jaw alone sent me into fantasyland. The man looked like he was sculpted from marble. Fortunately, it was taking a long time for him to order, so I could stare unabashedly for a bit.

'Is his hair bronze? Maybe he is a statue come to life. Nah. Hair's too messy. Sexy messy. Grrrrrr… STOP! Get a hold of yourself, Swan - he's about to turn around!' I was finally able to look away and turned to Alice, but she had the same slack-jawed expression I probably had just a moment ago, only she was looking at the lanky guy.

"Alice," I whispered, "pull it together."

She managed to snap her jaw shut just in time for the guys to turn around.

'Holy… uhhh…'I should have prepared myself more fully. I mean, really, with that profile, he wasn't about to be average-looking, right?

Still, in my defense, I hadn't seen his eyes - and lordy, those eyes! Just so damn green and sparkly and… I was staring. I was just staring. I needed to stop this right now. I'd already embarrassed myself fully, but I couldn't pull away. Maybe because I just realized that he was staring back at me with the most adorable amused expression on his face.

Thank God for the cashier who finally pulled me out of my trance by calling "next in line."

I was mortified by my own behavior. I turned away and, lo and behold, the same staring contest was going on to my left. I pulled Alice with me to the counter. I could hear soft chuckling behind me, and since the hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end, I knew it was the green-eyed fireman.

If I got out of here with any dignity, I was going to kill Alice.

I looked at her, wondering what the hell she could order here. "Do you make your fries in animal fat?"

"No ma'am."

"Fine. I'll take a small fries." So much for nutrition. Plus, their fries sucked.

I sighed and ordered a burger, protein-style. We paid and waited for our number to be called.

Off to the side were the firemen, also waiting for their order. I was sure they were going to be waiting a while. They probably ordered for the whole station.

Every muscle went into maintaining control. It was essential for my wellbeing. Why, oh why, had I never taken up meditation?

No time like the present to give it a go. I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. When I opened my eyes, I realized Alice wasn't standing next to me any more. Further investigation revealed she was talking to the blond fireman. Well, crap. Alice always did have bigger balls than I did.

My guy - wait, myguy? - was looking at me with that same amused expression he'd had earlier, only now he added a heartbreaking crooked grin to go with it. Help me. Here I was, adrift, drowning in the hottest man I'd ever seen – or would ever see.

Why was he just staring at me? Why wasn't he coming over?

Then it dawned on me. Were we having a battle of wills?

Huh. So, let me think about this a minute.

Firemen, in general, were considered hot just for their profession. This guy must be a total chick magnet. I'd bet while their house was on fire and he was trying save their lives, women were asking for a pen and paper to write down their number.

Humph. If he wanted to talk to me, he could walk his fine ass over here. I turned away. Then I felt someone by my side, but knew it was just my overly-perky best friend. "How did it go with tall, blonde, and sexy?"

"Great! We're going out Saturday night. "


'Three… two… one…'

"I saw you making goo-goo eyes at the green-eyed hunk. Why didn't you go over and talk to him?"

"I'm sure the 'green-eyed-hunk' is quite used to having women throw themselves at him. I'm not interested in being one of his groupies."

"So you're making assumptions based on how he looks?"

"Well, that, and the cocky smirk he has permanently affixed to his face."

A number was called and our firemen walked by us to retrieve their orders. On their way out, Blondie turned, his wavy hair falling over his eye, and gave a sweet smile towards Alice.

"See you Saturday, Alice."

She beamed. "See you Saturday, Jasper!"

The whole time, Green Eyes was watching me. I feigned disinterest. They left.

"Jasper? Who names their kid Jasper in this day and age?"

She giggled.

"What's so funny?"

"Green Eyes is named 'Edward.'"

'Oh. Joke's on me then.'

We went up to retrieve our order and left. When we got outside, the fire truck was still there. Jasper leaned out the passenger-side window.

"Hey Alice?" he yelled.

"Yes, Jasper?" She batted her eyelashes, even though I doubt he could see it from here.

"Edward wants to know why your friend hates him."

We walked closer to the truck. Oh, good. An old-fashioned game of Telephone. I sighed.

"Alice, tell Jasper to tell Edward I don't hate him." Alice just stood there with her hands on her hips.

Jasper went back inside the truck before leaning out the window again. "He doesn't believe you."

I looked up to the sky. All I wanted to do was grab some damn lunch.

"Maybe this would go better if we were passing notes and he just wrote 'do you hate me' and gave me yes and no check boxes."

Jasper went back into the truck. He leaned his head out again, only this time he was waving a piece of paper. I went to take it, but Alice interceded.

"Okay, this stops now! Edward! Get out of the damn truck and talk to Bella directly! Bella, swallow your pride and talk to Edward!"

Edward got out of the truck and came over to me. We stared at each other. Again. Damn, that man was fine. 'Shut up, hormones. Focus!'

Alice looked back and forth between the two of us. "I think I see what's happening here. I can't believe I'm doing this. It's how I resolve arguments with my two and three-year-old niece and nephew. On the count of three, you will both say 'hello' at the same time."

We waited, holding our standoff.

"One…two…three!" Both of us said nothing.

I realized at this point, as Alice pointed out, we were both acting like children, but I refused to be the one to break - even if it was just on principle.

"Okay, so we've established you both don't have the maturity level of a two-year-old. You really deserve each other."

More staring.

"Edward, Bella, you will come out with me and Jazz Saturday night. We will double date. Edward, you will come with Jazz. Bella, you will dress up and let me put makeup on you."

I started to object, but she put up her hand.

"Save it, sister. First of all, you've made me forget the complete happiness high I was on, which has now been replaced by aggravation. Second, I know you like him, so I'm doing you a favor here."

There was that damn cocky smirk again. I turned to scowl at Alice.

"And Edward, you can get that smirk off your face, because I know you like Bella too. You've been mentally undressing her with your eyes the entire time we've been standing here."

He turned to scowl at her, too.

"Well, since I don't hear any objections, I'll assume this plan is acceptable to both of you. Edward, Jasper, we'll see you guys on Saturday." With that, she grabbed my hand and dragged me to the car.

"Jazz?" I whispered.

"Shut up," she said and pulled harder.

Saturday night. Date night. Despite my arguments with my hormones, I had butterflies in my stomach. It was not like I was a teenager. I'd been on dates before. Of course, the circumstances surrounding this one were a bit bizarre in that

I didn't exactly get asked out on this date.

The date-in-question and I have never actually spoken to one another

This could be an extremely awkward evening. At least I'd have Alice there. That girl could sit and talk to a paper bag.


Crap. Was that the doorbell? A quick look in the mirror told me that, once again, Alice had worked her makeup voodoo. She'd stuck me in heels, which I assumed were for the comedic possibilities. I wasn't what you'd call "light on her feet."

I made my way down the stairs. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot. All the way down. I congratulated myself on a job well-done while keeping my eyes trained on my feet just in case, until I got near the door. I looked up to see our dates for the evening.

If I thought seeing those boys in uniform was the epitome of hotness, I was wrong. Both men could only be described as "dashing" - which, perhaps, was fitting, considering their names were from another century.

Edward. What could I say? A woman could only take so much, and seeing this man dressed head-to-toe in black, his sex hair all crazy, and his smoldering green eyes boring holes into my soul, it made me crack like a coconut.

Suddenly, awkward teenage Bella was back, complete with blushing and extreme klutziness. My right foot fell sideways, much like it would if I was wearing ice skates, and I stumbled forward. Edward saw what was happening and rushed to catch me, but he was too late. I pitched forward and managed to bang my head on the banister on the way down. If you were wondering - yes, I saw stars and little birdies, just like in the cartoons. Dazed and embarrassed, I sat up, only to find the green eyes that have haunted me for days. I could only blame the banister for what flew out of my mouth next. I said "Damn, you're beautiful" at the same time he said "Are you OK?"

I nodded, but this guy was an EMT, so he started holding up fingers and asking how many I saw and made me follow his finger with my eyes. All I could concentrate on, however, was how long and beautiful his fingers were and how I wanted them to touch me… like now. I was a sick, sick woman.

Alice must have gone to the kitchen at some point, because she handed me an ice pack, which I applied to my head. So much for trying to be smooth and acting like I didn't care. If he didn't sprint out the door and bail on this date right now, I'd really be surprised.

'Run for your life, Edward!'

He sat there with a look of concern on his face. "Is the ice helping?" he said.

"The head wound, yes. The pride, not so much."

He laughed.

I wish I had heard his voice and that sexy laugh before now, because I swear I thought I heard violins playing, and I couldn't afford to lose what was left of my mind. I was already embarrassed.

"Finally!" Alice said.

"I thought I was going to have to mediate all night. I even brought paper for passing notes!" Jasper managed to say, in between laughing his ass off. Edward and I looked at each other and realized fully just how utterly childish and pathetic we'd been. We laughed with them.

Smiling looked good on Edward. It made his eyes sparkle even more.

"You okay to stand?" he asked.

"Yeah. I did much more damage to myself in high school. Brings back memories of the not-so-good, ol' days. I relinquished my ice pack to him, and he put it on the table. He helped me up and wouldn't let go until it appeared I could stand on my own. Then he put out his hand.

"Hello. My name is Edward Cullen. I don't believe we've officially met."

I remind myself to keep it together, and I shook his hand. "Hello, Edward. I'm Bella Swan. It's nice to meet you."

With that, he extended his elbow, and I wrapped my arm around his. We walked out the door together. I glanced to my side to see a very self-satisfied look on the face of my formerbest-friend and roommate.

We went to an Italian place. If you asked me what I ate, I really couldn't tell you. I could tell you I nearly smacked a bitch. The waitress made goo-goo eyes at Edward. When he wouldn't bite, she turned her attentions towards Jasper. I think she became frightened of ittle, bitty Alice and the look being directed at her, because she quickly vanished and was replaced by a waiter.

When Edward talked to me, I felt like I was the only woman in the room. This surprised me. I'd expected him to be scanning the place for hot babes.

Suddenly I hear "…Bella and I were singing 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood with the windows open, when a group of nuns walked right in front of the car!"

I blushed and everyone laughed.

Edward said, "One time, a guy on Hollywood Boulevard came up to Jasper and handed him a religious pamphlet. Jasper started to have a philosophical discussion with him about all the different religions. By the time he finished, the guy didn't know which end was up. I think he converted to Buddhism on the spot!"

Jasper said, "One day, Edward was standing outside the station, by the truck. This woman rolled down her window and yelled "Help! Help! My bush is on fire!"

We all cracked up.

"I would imagine you guys get that a lot" I said.


Alice said, "C'mon. We know women love firemen, and you guys aren't exactly mutants!"

Edward said, "We get our fair share of phone numbers."

"That's what I figured," I said.

He looked at me. "Is that why you wouldn't approach me?"

Damn. Caught. Me and my big mouth.

"That was part of it," I said honestly.


I sighed. I figured he should know the truth about me upfront. None of that pretending to be someone else crap on the first date, only to find out you were not at all that person by the fifth.

"Yeah, really. I took one look at you and figured you had enough women fawning over you. I didn't want to be one of The Droolers."

He laughed. "The Droolers?" He laughed some more - his stupid, musical, sexy laugh. This must stop, because everything about him was drawing me in, and I was leaning toward him without even realizing it. I pulled back a bit.

"You must have a name for them." That stopped him dead in his tracks. He and Jasper both looked uncomfortable. Alice looked horrified. "What do you call them?" she said. When Alice demanded an answer, people started talking.

Jasper took it upon himself to answer, taking one for the team. "Fire Floozies."

I looked at Alice. Her expression was unreadable. I was trying not to toss back up… whatever the hell I just ate. Wait. Was that a mushroom? I hated mushrooms. What were we talking about? Oh yeah. I was in the process of being humiliated.

We sat for a moment in what can only be described as "stunned silence."

If anyone had wine left in their glass, they finished it. Jasper cleared his throat. He looked at my expression before turning slowly to look at Alice. He took her hand. "You have to believe, and I know I can speak for Edward here too, that neither of us thinks of you that way. The women we're referring to are not class acts like you two."

"Jasper, that's very nice, but the fact that you even think of women like that is a little disturbing."

I nodded in agreement and looked down.

"Hey," Edward said, and I looked up. "I guess we kind of lump them all together and don't think of them as individuals. Seeing it through your eyes, I can understand we look like jerks."

I looked over and Jasper and Alice appeared to be having a similar conversation. "So I guess you understand now why I was reluctant to approach you. That's exactly what I assumed you'd think of me, especially with that smug look on your face."

Edward sighed and looked down. "I deserve that. When I go out in uniform, I do tend to get a lot of attention from the opposite sex. I don't really have to try. They come to me. It's probably why I was so intrigued by you."

I looked up, surprised. "Intrigued? By me?"

"You turned your back on me and ignored me. I'm not used to that. You threw me for a loop after you stared. Usually that's the first step."

I laughed. "You do have quite the hypnotic stare."

He looked me dead in the eye. "So do you."

I found myself back at square one, with Edward staring into my eyes and me staring back, only this time the amused, cocky asshole expression was gone, replaced by a softness I didn't know he was capable of showing. Then he leaned in and kissed me delicately on the lips. The minute our lips touched, there was a small electrical charge.

I looked up at Edward, and by his expression, I was sure he felt it too.

I heard Jasper laugh and breathed a sigh of relief when Alice joined in.

"That certainly broke the ice, didn't it?" she said, still laughing.

Edward and I ordered tiramisu for dessert. I always remembered what I have for dessert, but especially when a certain green-eyed hunk decided to feed it to me. I tried to convince myself this wasn't some smooth move he pulled on all women to get into their pants, because this was a fantasy of mine – a hot guy feeding me dessert. Two of my favorite things at once. Heaven.

We finally got up to leave. As we walked to the car, Alice and Jasper had mentally taken off for parts unknown. I could hit Alice upside the head with a brick right now, and she wouldn't even feel it.

I started to point this out to Edward, when I realized he was gazing at me with a lovestruck expression. "Edward?" I said.

"Yes, love?" he said then immediately looked shocked.

I laughed. "Don't worry about it. I know you didn't mean it."

He chuckled. "Sorry. I got caught up in the moment." He pulled me close to him. God, he smelled good.

We rode back in silence. I sat in the front with Edward. He held my hand. I tried not to look in the back but figured some sucking face was going on.

We made it back to our place a little too quickly. Alice and Jasper got out.

Jasper said, "We're going to take a little walk. We'll be back in a little bit."

I was sure they wanted to have their goodnight kiss in peace. I turned to Edward, suddenly very aware that we were completely alone. I was excited and frightened at the same time. He looked down at me and pulled me close. This was it. The moment of truth.

The kiss could only be described at magical. His lips were the softest I'd ever felt. He must own stock in Chapstick. I started to feel my knees go weak but figured this was no time to look like a silly girl, so I held on.

I would have been remiss if I didn't run my fingers through his hair, and by God, I did a thorough job of it. When we finally pulled apart, it looked like he'd been through a wind tunnel. I laughed and tried to straighten it, but it was a lost cause. He laughed too.

"I really had a good time tonight, Bella. I would love to see you again, next time just the two of us."

"I'd like that, Edward."

"I'll call you during the week."

"Okay," I said, and started to walk back into the house. He pulled me back.

"Bella, I just want you to know, I really don't consider you a groupie. I think we have the start of something here."

"So, does that mean you won't be picking up any more babes at In N' Out?"

"Not unless I see you there again."

I smiled at him. He leaned in to kiss me again. Just a light brush of his lips, yet it was better than any kiss I'd ever received, barring the one he gave me a few moments ago.

I open my eyes to see him looking at me with the most intense expression.

I heard Jasper and Alice approaching. Edward squeezed my hands.

"I'll call you this week," he said and walked to the car with Jasper.

Alice and I stood together and watched our Romeos get into their car and drive away. We both sighed then drifted back into the house.

One Week Later.

Second date. It was both more nerve-wracking and calming at the same time, if that was possible. On the one hand, this time I knew he wanted the date, and we had actually spoken to one another. As a matter of fact, once we started talking, you couldn't shut us up. I think we spent two hours on the phone on Wednesday.

On the other hand, a whole lot was riding on this date. I was really into this guy, especially after that phone call. We had a lot in common, and I hadn't been this attracted to a man since forever. He was intelligent and beautiful and everything I'd said I ever wanted in a man, but he wasn't mine yet, and that made for a very precarious situation.

The doorbell rang. This time I didn't have to be as careful. I wore flats. Screw Alice.

I opened up the door and - whoosh, there went all the air from my lungs. I didn't know how I could forget how intensely handsome he was, but I had. I was alone this time. Jasper had picked up Alice a half-hour before.

Maybe that was why he felt comfortable enough to sweep me up in his arms and give me a hug to end all hugs. I let all my senses have their way with me. The feel of his hard body, the smell of potential happiness, the sound of his voice saying "I couldn't wait to see you again" as we ended the hug and stared into each other's eyes.

I looked at those startling green eyes as they moved closer… closer… until I closed my eyes and succumbed to the kiss, tasting his sweet lips again. Ambrosia. That electrical crackle was still present, only now it was stronger.

We got to the park, and he went to his trunk and took out a huge picnic basket and a large blanket. I stared wide-eyed. He laughed.

"All I did was order it and pick it up. I can hardly do peanut butter and jelly."

We both laughed.

"Well, then, it's probably been a while since you've had a home-cooked meal. Maybe one of these days I can make you my world-famous lasagna."

He looked at me with an intense expression before he said, "I'd like that very much."

If he kept doing that, I was going to pass out. Well, he was medically trained.

We walked to a big, shady tree, and he laid out the blanket. We sat down and began taking the food out of the basket. It was like a clown car. I didn't know if he was expecting a party to show up, but we had enough food to feed them.

"Geez, Edward!" I said as I removed yet another container. He chuckled.

"I guess I went a little overboard, huh?"

"Yeah, maybe just a little," I said.

We sat back down on the blanket and dug in. The food was amazing.

Edward plucked a grape and leaned forward to feed it to me. I opened my mouth. We stared into each other's eyes as I chewed. Then he kissed me. Before I knew it, we were lying on the blanket in a full-on make-out session.

When we finally came up for air, I said, "wow." So much for being witty and eloquent.

"Indeed," he said.

We lay there, feeling the light breeze against our skin, the sun providing warmth, the sound of the wind whistling through the trees. All of those sensations, plus the feel of Edward's body against mine, was, to date, the most intensely beautiful moment of my life. I'd never experienced anything more perfect.

"What are you thinking?" he said as he ran his fingers lightly up and down my arm, leaving a trail of goosebumps.

"Just how perfect this moment is," I said. I'd been on an honesty kick since I met him. I couldn't stop now.

"I couldn't agree more," he said as he leaned in to give me a sweet kiss.

We continued to lie there for a few more moments, just looking at each other. Then Edward fed me more grapes, and I fed him some too. Watching him was an extremely sensual experience. His full, red lips glistening really didn't help matters. I could watch him do that all day. Well, probably not. At some point I'd probably lose control and attack him.

We talked some more. He told me about growing up in Chicago. I told him about my life in the small town of Forks.

He told me he became a fireman because of his childhood sweetheart, Tanya. Her house burned down, and her parents didn't get out in time. She moved away to be raised by her aunt.

I told him about the time I was nearly crushed by a van and how the guy driving the van thought he could make it up to me by insisting on taking me to prom, thoroughly pissing off his current girlfriend, but that I wound up going with my childhood friend Jacob.

Then I asked, "Do you ever think about how dangerous your job is?"

He looked pensive. "I try not to. You need to push those feelings aside when you're rushing into a burning building."

I laughed.

"What's so funny?" he said.

Again, the honesty kicked in. "You probably don't know this, but Alice is a vegetarian." He looked at me. "I know, 'what was she doing at In N' Out' right?" He nodded. "She wanted to go because she would always see your fire truck there, and that she wanted a 'real' man. She said that a guy who volunteers to run into burning buildings and save lives sounded like a quality man to her."

Now he was laughing too.

"I see," he said. "So do you think I'm a 'quality man'?"

I pretended to ponder. "I dunno. Have you rescued any kittens from trees lately?"

"Not lately," he said.

"Oooh. I don't know then. This is a toughie." He tackled me then and tickled me. While gasping for air, I said, "So you're resorting to torture to get me to admit you're a quality man? That doesn't sound very quality-ish to me."

I broke out into another fit of giggles.

Then he was kissing again as he pressed his body to me. I lost any coherent thoughts and enveloped myself in him.

He finished by kissing my lips lightly and pulling away. We sat wrapped up in each other for a while, not saying anything, but feeling everything.

Eventually it got colder, and we put everything away and went back to the car.

We drove back in silence, stealing glances at each other. When we got back to my place, he walked me to the door. Edward pressed me up against it and kissed me. I hope that feeling never goes away.


"Yes, love?" he said.

I stared at him.

"That was no mistake," he said.

I grinned like a damn fool."Do you want to come in?"

He shot me that crooked grin."Don't mind if I do."