Disclaimer: I own nothing affiliated with SWAC.
So, this is going to be the last installment of Douche Nozzle. It's been a great run and I truly think that this was one of my better multi-chaps, because I wasn't especially disappointed in many of these updates. I'm also very glad that you guys liked 'em, and I hope that this one is up to par with your standards. ;) But first, there are two people I owe a thank you to. Camirae and AHigherOctave, I opened my email one day and saw that both of you left me a rather large influx of reviews. Because I am a complete Douche Nozzle, I'm giving you my humble thanks here: Thank you so much.
For everyone else, thank you for your humorous burns, your wise-crackin' jokes. Everything. And now, without further ado, here we go...
3:28 PM, June 9th, 2009
Hello, boys and girls. Our name is Veronica and today we'd like to welcome you with a picture of Chad Dylan Cooper naked. You will only find it here children, and it might be only a few hours before we're forced to take it down by higher ups, so you better click fast! ;D (Oh, come on girls. You know you want to see how many inches his 'little soldier' is.)
For the past six days we've poked, jabbed, and viciously stabbed the world's favorite Douche Nozzle. It's been nothing personal. He's just a large source of our amusement, and as bored little teens with nothing but time, we figured we'd let you all in on our self-made personal joke.
We've just got to ask you guys one tiny poll question.
Quick Poll: What in the hell does douche nozzle even mean?
A.) I have no fucking idea.
B.) I don't know, but it's funny to say. ;)
C.) Douche Nozzle - a little fucker fun to fucking make fucking jabs at!
If you answered A, all we really have to say to you is, "Yeah. I know." XD.
If you answered B, we agree. It is funny to say!
If you answered C, you gotta stop watching Jay and Silent Bob videos. :P
If you answered D, we're officially voting you off the island. Pick a different letter. :P
We'll let you think about it while we work on that blog. ;)
3:40 PM, June 9th, 2009
Now, before we introduce today's layer, before we bring Douche Nozzle's shit-fest full circle, there's something we've got to mention first. For the past few days, we've asked you guys to send in your best burns. Some of them had us crawling on the floor, cursing you for making our stomachs hurt. Others made us simply deadpan, "What the fuck?"
We don't see the need to be all mysterious about our winner. Overuse of Emoticons clearly outshined all of you little Burners. ;) Our personal favorite was her: "You know that look Douche Nozzle does when he's interviewing? Well, is it just me, or do people get that same look when they really gotta go take a shit?" Seriously, girl. We were in tears; it was that funny.
We also loved Kylie Robbins', SheBeexLee's, LilyTheSilly's, and LaPaige's burns. They were fucking brilliant. And of course, pyrolyn-776. You stole our heart with the condom joke. And Camirae! Douche Nozzle like a slinky? XD. Nice comparison, sweets.
Ah, so our congratulations goes out to Emoticons. You're one feisty child, yes. You're almost good enough to be a Veronica. ;)
And now we'd like to pull out layer seven. Douche Nozzle's final layer of sexy. It is the last one and we know many of you have been anticipating this. But.
(OH SHIT! DID SHE JUST SAY BUT!? WHAT THE FUCK!?)
Shut up and read.
But. You see, we've decided to grant mercy on DN's poor unfortunate soul. And thus. We present to you, layer seven: The genuine, sincere, romantic things he does
He may look like a douche, talk like a douche, interview like a douche, 'act' like a douche...but Chad Dylan Cooper is only six parts Douche Nozzle. And one part total sweetheart. Beneath all those layers, a sweet guy resides. He brings flowers to the ladies, he holds doors open, and he cares.
Ah. I know there must be millions of you with your jaws dislocated right about now, seeing as how we're supposed to be 'vicious' and all. The truth is that we have met Douche Nozzle. And he's not all bad.
Grudgingly, we must admit that he is pretty cute.
In a Douche Nozzle kind of way. ;)
Sigh. And so now the week of Douche Nozzle has ended. These seven days (and layers) shall remain timeless in our minds as we've shared laughs and tears of mirth over and over and over.
Oh, and to the Douche: We really hope you didn't jump off that cliff we talked about. Sonny would be pretty heartbroken. :PPPPP!
Hugs and 'special' brownies,
3:48 PM, June 9th, 2009
Okay...weird...you guys kind of complimented Douche Nozzle there. Well, alright. He is pretty hot. XD.
3:51 PM, June 9th, 2009
Overuse of Emoticons Posted:
YEAH! I WON, I WON, I WON! MUAH HA HA! TAKE THAT, PYROLYN! :PPP YOUR CONDOM JOKE GOT NOTHING ON ME! XD.
3:54 PM, June 9th, 2009
See, Chad? The Veronicas don't totally hate you. ;)
3:56 PM, June 9th, 2009
Thanks, guys. Chad really needed that. :) *hugs*
4:00 PM, June 9th, 2009
Yeah, yeah. Whatever. :P
"You. Are. Related. To. A. Vicious. Veronica?"
Sonny smiled sheepishly. "Maybe?"
"Okay, yeah. Ronnie's sixteen and - "
Chad's face crumpled at her confession. "You mean to tell me that a sixteen year-old mocked me from hell and back, made a national mockery out of me, and you're her sister."
"That's fuck-tastic," he mumbled under his breath, crossing his arms.
She laughed at him, gathering him into a hug. Rubbing his back tenderly, she pulled away when her phone began to ring. "Hey, Ronnie. What's up?" Chad glared at the phone for a while before Sonny presented the phone to him. "She wants to talk to you."
He sighed before taking the phone. "What do you want, she-devil?"
Cheerfully she returned, "Aww, don't be like that! You're my favorite Douche Nozzle, after all."
He could feel her smiling on the other end of the line and frowned. What could she possibly have to say to him? He asked her again what she wanted and when she told him his eyebrows went way up, causing Sonny's to do the same thing. She mouthed to him, what did she say!? But he simply shook his head.
After hanging up the phone and returning it to her, Chad stared at her, confused. "Hey, Sonny?"
He grabbed her wrist and pulled her into his chest. He breathed in her vanilla scent and encircled her waist with his arms. "Veronica wanted me to do something."
"What?" she whispered, not sure why he was being so...sweet.
"This." He kissed the corners of her lips and she stiffened in his embrace.
"Why'd you do that?" she asked him quietly.
"Because I wanted to, and because your sister opened up my eyes a little."
Sonny's eyes narrowed. "That rat. She told you."
He shrugged sheepishly, smiling. "Maybe she's not as bad as I thought."
Sonny laughed with a twinkle in her eye. "Maybe I should get her to show you the real layer seven!"
It took me a while to figure out how I was going to write this one, but I hoped you enjoyed it. A lot of you wanted to know how Sonny/Chad were going to hook up and there it is. There's not much masterful descriptions here since this is a humorous piece and all, but I hoped this last chapter made sense for you and that you still laughed at what I've written. Thanks for going on this rollercoaster with me. ;) It was a blast.