The Master Who Hated Twilight
Characters: Twilight book, Master Yoda, Obi Wan Kenobi
Genre: Humor, Parody
Summary: Title says it all. See how Yoda gets furious over a book and how he deals with it. Sort of a hatefic.
Disclaimer: Who would fancy Twilight and have its copyrights? (shudders at the mere thought of it) Well, Yoda isn't mine. I'm thinking about stealing Obi Wan. "May the force be with me."
A/N: The power was suddenly cut off and I'm doing this on notepad. The original wasn't saved so I'm doing it all over again. The damn black out wouldn't stop me from hating Twilight! Twi-hards, be my guest. Flame away. Unbeta-ed.
Once upon a time, out in the vast spaces of the solar system, beyond limits of time (ahem), an old, green space creature (sorry Yoda), on a plush chair of the circular room, he sat. His long wrinkled hands were holding a rather thick but nonsense black book, entitled Twilight, with a pair of limbs holding a small, red apple printed on the cover. His nose was scrunched in disgust and his deep, large bronze eyes illuminated a strong sense of revulsion.
"What a Mary-Sue-ish this book is," he noted as he flipped one page after another, not even bothering to skim it over, after he had finished reading three pages.
"Dispose of it, I will," he aimed to no one in particular while standing up to his feet and making his way outside of his room.
Obi Wan Kenobi was awakened by the putrid (I know) whiff of burning garbage. He pushed the entangled blankets off his legs and stood up, making his way to the direction of the scent.
He reached a curved door, a puff of black smoke emerging from the gap of the main furniture to the floor below. Curiously, he hauled it open.
"Good Lord," he exclaimed as he ran up to the center of the room, up to the familiar form of his Master. "What are you doing, Master Yoda?"
"Burning such vile book, I am," the master in question nodded in contentment as he spoke.
"Vile? Where did you get that?"
"Earth. Polluting the mind of our younglings, (is the term correct?) I will not allow."
"You've seen it on the archives?" Obi Wan asked incredulously. He couldn't believe that such book would slip inside the archives. "How on the whole galaxy would this book reach us?"
"The enemies, lurking, they are."
Author's Long Bitch:
Yoda can name a lot of reasons why he burnt the book, and away from the curious gazes of his younglings. For one, Bella is a good-for-nothing best friend. Jacob has been there the whole time and yet, she doesn't even have the nerve to reciprocate all the things her best friend had done for her. She chose love over friendship, which, in my opinion, is much more important than anything else (aside from family) because your best friend is the only bloke you can depend on. I've experienced that when I felt so alone. Plus, Charlie. She's such a rebellious teenager. How can she lie to Charlie so much, and to think he was her father? Your parents are irreplaceable and still, she doesn't even care. What kind of daughter is that?
Edward is perfect. Edward is so smart with his super-sharp brain. Edward is god-like and everything. For goodness' sake, nobody's perfect! And god-like? How can Meyer even compare a vampire (blood-sucker and murdered just because of blood lust) like Edward to God? "Thou shalt not put the name of the Lord in vain." Had she forgotten that?
Jacob is a motorcycle-rider and suddenly turns into a large dog. Isn't that Sirius Black? In addition to that, he 'imprinted' Bella's daughter, Renesmee. If I grew up falling in love with a man of seventeen years older than me, I'd rather live in the monastery.
The Volturi equals the Ministry of Magic. I don't get it.
Edward Cullen is a stalker. If I found out my boyfriend follows me home and sneaks inside to watch me sleep, I'll put him on a restraining order. Don't I have the right to privacy?
Edward can read minds-even before he became a vampire. If I was hearing voices inside my head that I didn't make, I'll freak out. And besides, the mind is a complex thing and reading people's mind would top the law regarding invasion of privacy.
How can Alice, Jasper and Edward have extraordinary powers while others don't? Can't she be more consistent? It's kinda confusing.
It's poisoning the minds of kids, teenagers and even adult. Adults!
Indeed, Master Yoda had made the most important decision for the whole Jedi community. Because if he didn't burn the book, it would be the fall of their history.
(curtsy) I'm done.