Disclaimer: Yeah, I own Naruto. In this dream I had once.

Whipped

Chapter One: First Impressions

It was a beautiful day in Konoha. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and Naruto was hating every single moment of it.

"Ero-sennin, isn't it time for a break already?" he panted, bringing a dirtied arm over his eyes to try to block out the glare of the late morning sun. Various kunai and shuriken were scattered amongst the training grounds, and already Naruto had every ache and pain known to mankind.

To top it all off, he was sweating like a pig and didn't even get the chance to indulge in his customary eight-cups-of-ramen-before-training-meal. Evidently, Kami wasn't on his side today. He turned around to grace the sannin with a glare that would have made most people with a healthy amount of survival instincts run for it, but the toad sage remained almost painfully oblivious.

Jiraiya was perched on a large boulder and was currently scribbling on a very long manuscript, obviously a long-awaited sequel to a certain silver-haired jounin's favorite X-rated book.

"Oh, hell no. You mean to tell me I've been working my ass off for, oh I don't know, eight hours, just so you could work on your pervy books? You said you'd be supervising me!" Naruto exclaimed.

Contemplating a particularly juicy scene, Jiraiya pondered out loud with his eyes staring dreamily up in space, with an expression that was slightly disturbing for a fifty-something man to have. Indeed, lecherous grins and the occasional girlish giggle did not bode well with his orange-clad apprentice.

". . .and he roamed his hands up and down his companion's womanly sides, whilst casting her a dark and lustful look that would have made any self-respecting woman melt in his muscular arms. Tilting her chin up, he utterly ravaged her mouth while flicking his tongue into her moist cavern that had her whimpering in ecstasy. . ."

"Oh, that's good!" Jiraiya practically shouted, earning him a half-amused, half-exasperated glare from Naruto.

"Surely there is no end to my manly imagination!" he snickered, eventually laughing roguishly. "Haha, ladies, come get me!"

*Crickets chirping*

Jiraiya gave an audible cough and looked down at Naruto, who was currently tapping his foot impatiently, arms crossed with a look that would have made Orochimaru toss in his grave.

"Eh? Why the long face, puny and hormonally-deprived apprentice?"

"Nothing, I just thought you'd actually be doing something productive and try to help me with my—What the hell did you just call me?"

"Hm, what? Oh, don't be embarrassed about it! I was just as romantically handicapped as you are when I was your age," said Jiraiya, privately thinking of another ex-student of his that was remarkably similar.

"Now shut up and run along now, while I do some good in this world with my new sequel, Icha Icha Bondage!" he proclaimed with a giddy chuckle.

"You basta-"

"Now, now, Naru-chan!" he admonished, waving a finger at him while his eyes inched back to his unfinished manuscripts scattered about. "Where would you find a suitable lady friend with that foul mouth of yours? Haven't you learned anything from my awesome tutelage? Aside from brushing up on our usual ninja skills and whatnot, the teaching that we prioritize above all else. . ."

Naruto's eyes widened.

". . .that has been passed down from sensei to student for generations. . ."

"What, what? Tell me, ero-sennin!" cried Naruto with child-like anticipation, clasping his hands under his chin.

". . .is how to find a suitable partner, of course!"

Naruto visibly deflated. "Urgh, that's all you talk about!" he grumbled. Then a thought hit him, and he smirked. Grinning slyly, he said in a casual voice, "But you wouldn't know anything about women now, would you?"

". . .and he tore her clothes from her body with wild passion. . .—What did you say?"

"You heard me."

Jiraiya snorted. "Oh, and you would. How, pray tell, can you claim to know more about women than your sensei?"

Chuckling quietly to himself, he casually leaned against a tree and continued, "You know what I mean. You spend every day trying to woo Tsunade baa-chan and all she gives you is a black eye and threatens to rip of your - you-know-what."

Jiraiya instinctively tightened his legs together and brought a hand to nonchalantly rest against his crotch, shuddering a little at the memory.

"And let's not forget all the times you were caught peeping at the bathhouse and all the girls beat you to a bloody pulp, with you crying out in regular intervals for your mommy."

Ignoring the fact that the vein on Jiraiya's forehead was almost pulsing to danger point, he continued, "They even filed for an arrest warrant." He nodded to the wanted posters tacked to the trees, each reading: WANTED: 50 000 ryo for this idiot pervert. Approach with caution. It was accompanied with a picture of Jiraiya in a rather compromising position with a lamp post.

Figures.

"Wha-? When did those get there?" the sage asked, scratching his head.

"Not to mention the time when you-"

"Alright, I get it!" he pouted, resisting the urge to smack Naruto around the head for his nerve.

"But you have to give me some kind of credit, you know," he said indignantly. "I was the reason why your parents decided to get together."

"Oh?" Naruto asked skeptically.

"It's true. After I exhausted all my match-making skills on getting the two of them together, you can only imagine how hard it was to keep my ego in check," he laughed.

"It's really not that difficult, actually."

"What was that brat?"

"Nothing, nothing. . .so how exactly did you get the two of them together?"

"It all started when Minato was appointed to spend a few days at Whirlpool Country. He was asked to serve as Konoha's peace ambassador and I decided to come with him to offer him moral support and motivation." (A.K.A. To check out the local women.)

Flashback: 15 years ago.

"Finally," Minato thought with barely concealed relief.

After traipsing through Fire Country and then spending a month travelling to Water Country, nobody could blame him for sighing in relief. It also didn't exactly help things that he was traveling with Konoha's number one pervert who kept getting both of them side-tracked by obscene amounts of alcohol and women as they passed through the many villages.

Why did he agree to this mission again?

"Whew, we're finally here, eh Minato?"

"Yeah. . .and it only took us, what, five months?" he replied with a long-suffering sigh while dragging his muddied sandals through the damp earth.

"Such insubordination. . ." Jiraiya sniffed. "None of the women we became acquainted with along the way your type, huh?"

"Nice try, ero-sensei. . ." he replied while studying the terrain.

Whirlpool Country was situated in an isolated island with lush vegetation and plentiful wildlife. It was a sight to behold and true to its name, small whirlpools could be found occasionally disturbing the surface of the otherwise calm waters.

"I'm not really interested in looking for a match right now, anyway. I mean, with the war going on. . . Let's just focus on getting this over and done with, hm?" Minato said in a subdued tone.

"Whatever you say, oh wise pupil," his sensei replied. But Jiraiya was not the sort of man who willingly gives up, no matter how stupid his goals may seem. And this time was no exception. Screw the war. At the end of this mission, he was going to find Minato a girlfriend or die trying.

As the two elite ninjas walked towards the entrance of their destination, five jounins intercepted them. Clearly, Whirlpool did not take too kindly to outsiders.

"Stop! What is your business here?" a burly man asked them, casting a wary eye on their Konoha headbands.

"I was assigned by our Hokage to extend our peace treaty to your village leader," Minato replied.

"You're the Konohagakure envoys? We were expecting you for. . .almost a month now."

"I apologize for the delay. My ero- er, sensei and I lost track of the days."

The Whirlpool ninja peered at them more closely from under hooded eyes and gave a barely noticeable undertake.

"Ah yes. . . I recognize both of you now," he murmured. "Forgive me. My name is Shiroi Takashi."

Giving a slight bow to Minato, he continued in an awed voice, "Minato Namikaze, the Yellow Flash. I heard stories about you. Stories on how you take out your enemies with a single technique, then you castrate them while scooping out their innards with a wooden spoon."

"Well, you should be relieved to know. . ."

Relief flooded the other ninja's face.

". . .that they're all true, Shiroi-san!" Minato continued quite cheerfully, enjoying how Shiroi's face turned pale.

"R—right." He gulped. "Uh. . .and of course!" he gave another slight bow.

"Jiraiya-sama," he said in a reverent voice. "One of the legendary sannin and toad sage. . ."

Jiraiya puffed up with pride, "Oho, I see my reputation precedes-"

". . .and pervert extraordinaire," Shiroi continued.

"-me," he finished lamely while Minato tried to hide a laugh.

"Anyway, allow me to escort you to our Namikage's tower. Please follow me," he said.

"Will do!" Jiraiya saluted enthusiastically, already thinking about all the gorgeous women this village had to offer.

Minato agreed with a more reserved affirmative before following the other ninjas towards the village gates. He pleased to see that they understood the importance of strengthening their village's defenses, judging by the large stone walls surrounding them and the various chuunin posting as look-outs atop the walls.

As they entered, their guide quickly steered them to the direction of the Namikage's tower. Minato could see that it was built similarly to their own Hokage tower, excluding the fact that they favored stone motifs and the color blue. A large whirlpool insignia was carved directly at the top of the entrance.

They followed their guide towards a flight of stairs and as they climbed up, Shiroi began briefing them on what to expect.

"Now, Namikage-sama is a patient man. But since we kind of have been expecting you for almost a month now. . ." he ended awkwardly while Minato gave Jiraiya a glare that had him grinning sheepishly.

"Although, he will be pleased to see that both of you made it here safely. But I have to warn you, he can be a bit of a handful."

"In what way?" asked Minato.

"Well, he's a bit loud at times. He's also kind of bossy and easily distracted by the opposite sex. . ." he trailed off.

"So, he's like, loud, bossy and more importantly, a pervert?" Jiraiya asked. "Cool."

"Uh, I wouldn't exactly put it like that. . ." coughed Shiroi delicately.

But they had already reached the top of the stairs, so Shiroi didn't care to elaborate.

"Here we are," he nodded to an extravagantly carved, wooden door to their left. "I'll leave you two here."

Jiraiya and Minato inclined their heads. "Thank you for leading us here, Shiroi-san."

With another slight bow, he disappeared in a burst of smoke.

Turning around to face Jiraiya, Minato realized he was already incessantly knocking at the door.

Rolling his eyes, he strolled up to him and said, "Hey, ero-sensei, where's all this enthusiasm coming from?"

"The faster we get this introduction done with the faster I can get you- ah, I mean me, a girlfriend."

"O-kay." Perturbed, Minato waited until they heard a booming voice say, "Come in, come in!" accompanied by a womanly purr saying "Oh, Namikage-sama, do I have to leave you right now?"

Exchanging looks, they both entered at the same time while the door clanged shut behind them with an ominous thud.

Their eyes roamed the rather opulent room, before settling on the Namikage who was sitting on a plush armchair behind a desk scattered with official-looking papers.

The man was not ordinary-looking by any stretch of the imagination. For one thing, he was wearing a rather eye-watering set of pink kage robes. He set the outfit off with a silver brooch shaped liked a whirlpool and a large, if slightly intimidating, smile. But then, it was hard to feel intimidated by a man who was a wardrobe disaster and who also gave off the stench of one who spent one too many years abusing alcohol. Minato had the feeling that given the chance, Jiraiya and the Namikage would get along exceptionally well.

Blinking blearily at them, he then said, "Ah, welcome! You must be the ninjas Konoha sent. Tell your old man Hokage thanks for arranging this thing."

"Uh, thank you for accepting this meeting, Namikage-sama," they both bowed.

"Now, now, there's no need for formalities!" he said jovially. "You can call me either Takeda or Takeda-san, whatever floats your boat. Pull up a chair and while you're at it, take care not to spend too much time ogling my hot secretary here!" he said cheekily.

Ignoring the fact that his sensei was already drooling over the rather busty blonde at the Namikage's side, Minato plowed on. "Takeda-san, I assume you already know the details of this peace treaty-"

"Yes, yes, I have already reviewed it with utmost care—"

'That's doubtful' Minato thought.

...-and I agree! Wholeheartedly!" he slurred. "Now let's put this thing behind us, as you Americans say."

Silence.

"We're Japanese," they chorused.

Opening a nonchalant, if bloodshot, eye, he regarded them coolly. "And your point is?"

"Right," Minato carefully said. "Anyway, me and my sensei are glad that you accepted this proposal so easily and I'm sure you-"

"Oji-san!" a loud, feminine voice suddenly cried out.

The door opened quite abruptly and a young woman walked into the room.

Minato immediately noticed that she had the longest, reddest hair he'd ever seen on a ninja; it easily reached down her waist. She had deep, blue-green eyes and a pale, if slightly tanned, complexion. She walked with an air of confidence about her, even though the Whirlpool jounin uniform she was wearing was tattered and splattered with mud in some places.

She was the most beautiful woman Minato had ever seen.

"Ah, Kushina-chan!" the Namikage boomed. "How was your mission? Not too difficult, I hope?"

"It was a piece of cake, actually. That enemy bastard never knew what hit him!" she said gleefully.

"Hm, violent and crude. My kind of woman," Minato thought dreamily.

"Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything," she said, noticing the Konoha ninjas for the first time.

"Not at all. Kushina-chan, these are the ninjas from Konohagakure. You know, about that peace treaty thing?"

"Ah, yes. Better late than never, I see," she said with a raised eyebrow while Minato noticeably flushed and Jiraiya gave a great guffaw.

"Oh, I should probably introduce all of you then. Gentlemen, please meet my granddaughter, Kushina Uzumaki. And Kushina-chan, this is. . .er. . .?" he gestured helplessly at Minato.

Minato gulped, before reaching out his (sweaty) hand to grasp hers. "My name is Minato Namikaze, pl—pleased to make your acquaintance."

Kushina sincerely smiled at him before trying to discreetly wipe the sweat he so kindly left on her palm.

Embarrassed, he nevertheless continued in a slightly braver tone, "And this is my sensei, Jiraiya."

Kushina then looked away from him to acknowledge Jiraiya. "Pleased to meet y- ARE YOU STARING AT MY CHEST?"

Mentally groaning, Minato looked on as Jiraiya gave a guilty start. "Wha-? No! It's not what it looks like!" before being slapped on the face by Kushina that sent him toppling to the floor.

Amid the shrieks of "Perv!" and the pitiful sounds of choking courtesy of Kushina and Jiraiya respectively, Minato gave a pained grimace and thought, 'I can't believe ero-sensei actually had the balls to stare straight at her chest! Even though I have to admit she does have a nice chest. . .possibly a B-cup- BadThoughts!'

Minato then heard the loud chuckling made by the Namikage, who was seemingly unconcerned that possible bloodshed would occur at any moment.

Nevertheless, Jiraiya had already escaped Kushina's violent wrath and was now currently trembling at the opposite side of the wall.

Clapping his hands, the Namikage proclaimed quite cheerfully, "Excellent! Now that you've all been introduced, I suggest you go and enjoy the sights and sounds of my village. Kushina-chan, be a dear and show our guests the way to the apartment they'll be staying, will you?"

Shooting both of them a venomous look, she cried heatedly, "Oji-san, please tell me your joking!"

"Now don't take that tone with me, young lady," he reprimanded. "Don't mind her, I'm sure she wants nothing more than to help you find your sleeping quarters," he said while pointedly ignoring her grumble of wanting to chew her arm more.

"Well, off you go! Me and my secretary still have some, ah, unfinished business to do."

Casting all of them one last glowering look, Kushina proceeded to stomp away towards the door. Jiraiya and Minato hastened to follow her, though after making sure a safe amount of distance was between them.

As they were closing the door, the Namikage could be heard saying to his secretary, "That went exceptionally well, don't you think?"

The three of them walked through the bustling streets where ninjas and civilians alike were either eating at the many restaurants or haggling with irate stall owners over their merchandise. Minato hardly spared a glance at any of the sights surrounding him, more intent on giving the man he called his sensei a piece of his mind.

Making sure Kushina couldn't hear them, Minato gave his Jiraiya a pointed look before saying, "Unbelievable. You haven't even met her for five minutes and she already knows you're a pervert like no other."

"How was I to know she'd notice me that quickly? Women really are irrationally sensitive creatures," he scoffed. "Anyway, I prefer that blonde secretary over her temper any day." But the longing and the way his eyes twitched begged to differ. "What about you? Saw anything you liked? I could swear I saw that secretary eyeing you. . . Jiraiya trailed off. "Nah, most likely it was me."

'It had better be you,' thought Minato. A raunchy secretary twice his age who took to wearing excessive amounts of makeup did not exactly add up to 'attractive' in his book.

As they neared the edge of the village, they came upon a large apartment painted a faded red. Even though it looked to be several decades old, it managed to retain a homey quality about it.

"We're here," Kushina said. It looked like the long walk had calmed her temper somewhat, but she still had that pissed-off look in her face.

They then entered a door where it took them directly to a pristine hallway filled with tasteful wooden decor. As they ascended a short flight of stairs, they came across another hallway, where its only difference with the previous one was that it had six doors.

She then proceeded to open the second door on the right, indicating that this was where he and Jiraiya would sleep.

More to prove to her that not all men wanted to get into her pants, Minato then said, "Thank you for accompanying us, Kushina-san," then gave her a slight bow. Kushina gave him a small smile before giving a curt nod to Jiraiya and then heading off into the opposite direction.

Then suddenly, "Kushina-chan! Wait!"

Oh no. His sensei really did have a death wish.