AN: Well, well, well. Here I am with a Star Wars parody. This will amuse, really, only people who know me...and those who like cheap stories. Anyway, I'm keeping a lot of the script from the movie in here, with my own touches and changes. Hrmm...maybe a Robot Chicken reference in here somewhere...oh well. The usual disclaimer, I own only my own characters, I don't own Star Wars in any way, George Lucas does.
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away...
*Insert John Williams*
Episode IV: A New Hope
It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.
During the battle, Revel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet.
Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy...
In the deepest recesses of space, a battle ensued between an Imperial Star Destroyer and a small rebel ship. The crew of the latter rushed to their stations and prepared to be boarded by the Star Destroyer. On that ship, a golden humanoid robot, C-3PO scurried nervously around on stiff legs with his counterpart, a short blue and white droid, R2D2. A direct hit caused the ship to tremble tremendously.
"Did you hear that?" 3PO asked R2. His answer was a jumble of mechanical high-pitched beeps. "They shut down the main reactor core, we'll be destroyed for sure!" More beeps.
"We're doomed. There'll be no escape for the princess this time."
A rumble at the door hailed the arrival of Imperial Troops. Spark flew as the door was cut. An explosion opened the door, and Troops rushed in, firing shots blindly into the haze. The droids hurried away from the action to find a safer place to hide.
Bodies soon littered the floor, mostly of the Rebels. Out of the smoke stepped a figure enveloped in a black, with a cloak that trailed along the ground and hid her face. She was a taller than the Clone Troopers. It was none other than the dark lord herself: Darth Vader. She looked at the carnage around her feet and shook her head.
"What a mess" she proclaimed, almost to herself.
Meanwhile, 3PO had lost R2D2. His frantic search was ended when he spied him in a secluded section of the ship. In front of him was a woman in a white robe, her blonde hair tied into tight buns on the sides of her head. She appeared to be talking to the droid, about what, 3PO didn't know. In the hallway, Rebel soldiers were being hunted by the Empire's troops. The woman checked that the coast was clear and then pressed something on the R2 unit. As the droid rolled away, she pressing herself against the wall, making herself hidden.
R2 rolled up to the shiny droid beeping and whistling."At last! Where've you been?" 3PO asked, as quickly as he could. He began to drone on about how doomed they were, about how they were sure to be made into scrap metal. R2 was having none of it. He rolled off with 3PO at his tail, demanding an explanation in his always proper voice.
The Rebels aboard the ship had been taken prisoner. Darth Vader had one in her gloved grip, holding him above the ground so his feet dangled as he fought for air. An Imperial Soldier reported to Vader: "The Death Star plans are not in the main computer."
She was not pleased by this. "What have you done with those plans?!" she demanded of the man in her hands. His answer was gurgled and hard to understand. She was able to make out "We're...on a...diplomatic..."
"If this is a diplomatic ship, then where is the ambassador?!" The man did not answer, as he had breathed his last before Vader had even finished her sentence. With disgust, she threw the body against the wall. She turned and made an order to her troops.
"Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found the plans. And bring me the passengers, I want them alive!" With that, she walked off, and the troops carried out her orders.
In the snug hallway, the woman in white watched the Imperial Soldiers coming ever closer. She held a weapon, ready to fire. She was noticed. "There's one, set for stun!" She fired two shots before making a run for it. She didn't get far before she was knocked unconscious by her adversary. "Inform Lord Vader we have a prisoner."
R2 had rolled himself with 3PO in tow, still babbling, to the ships escape pods. R2 beeped something only 3PO could understand.
"Secret mission? What are you talking about?" Before he could get an answer, shots were blasted close to them, taking off some of the wall aside 3PO's head. With renewed vigor, he rushed into the pod as fast as his stiff legs would go. The pod, thusly, jettisoned.
3po noted, "That's funny, the damage doesn't look as bad from out here" as he and R2 gazed at the two swiftly shrinking ships. R2 beeped in agreement. The droids were hurtling toward a planet colored with browns and yellows, most likely a desert.
The woman in white, with cuffed hands, was being escorted by the Imperial troops. Down two hallways, they encountered Lord Vader. The woman in white regarded her with contempt briefly before saying: "Darth Vader, only you could be so bold. The Imperial Senate will not sit still for this. When they hear that you've attacked a diplomatic-"
She was cut off by the arrogant explanation Vader gave. "Don't act so surprised, your highness, you are on no mercy mission. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies. now, I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you."
The woman in white was dumbfounded for a fraction of a second while she formulated a lie that would satisfy Vader. "I don't know what you're talking about" was the best she had. "I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan!"
"You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor, take her away!" the order was carried out by the Storm Troopers at the woman's side. They marched her away to the Imperial ship while Vader turned the other direction to continue her fruitless search. A commander, dressed in a black uniform, approached Vader.
"Holding her is dangerous. If word gets out it could generate sympathy for the Rebellion". Vader didn't seem too worried.
"I've traced the Rebel spies to her. Now she's my only link to finding their secret base."
"She'll die before she'll tell you anything!" Vader had grown tired of the conversation. She gave the commander orders to send a distress signal, and to make it appear as though everyone on board was killed. Someone called to her presently with unpleasant news.
"Lord Vader, the plans were not aboard this ship, and no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the attack, but no life forms were registered on it."
"She must have hidden the plans on the escape pod." She gave the man orders to send a team down the the planet and search for the pod. "There'll be no one to stop us this time" were her parting words as the two men saluted and carried out her commands.