This is the first oneshot of the ten I am going to do. The ten that I am going to do are, numbers 5, 7, 12, 14+15 (as one), 16+17, 20, 28, 35, 41 and 49+50. They are not going to be in the order of highest votes (numbers 49+50 won!), they will be in numerical order.
Apologies in advance for the shortness and crapness...
NUMBER FIVE: ASK THE POTIONS PROFESSOR WHETHER THE DAY'S ASSIGNMENT CAN BE USED AS A SEXUAL LUBRICANT:
"Have a seat, everyone! Sit down please!" Professor Slughorn called, ushering the seventh year students to their seats.
Once everyone had unpacked their belongings and had settled, he began. He tapped the blackboard with his wand, causing the professor's curved writing to emerge, forming the word Amortentia.
"Right, today we will be working on the potion Amortentia. Now, first of all, who knows what this potion actually is?" His eyes immediately found his favourite student, Lily Evans. Slughorn waited expectantly until Lily's hand shot into the air, and was fully prepared to call out her name, when from his peripheral vision, he spotted another arm waving in the air.
Confused, he turned his heavy body slightly, surprised when he noted whose arm was in the air. With a raised eyebrow, he acknowledged, "Mr Black?"
"It's a potent love potion."
After a split-second's hesitation, Slughorn's face grew delighted and he bellowed out a laugh. "Well done m'boy! Five points to Gryffindor!"
Sirius grinned smugly and leant back in his chair; ignoring Remus' suspicious amber eyes and James' thunderstruck ones (He just willingly answered a question! And he got it right).
"And how exactly does it work?" the potions professor asked, eyes again locking on Severus Snape and Lily Evans.
And again, Sirius' hand lifted up into the air. Remus frowned at him, "What's wrong with you?" he mouthed, narrowing his eyes at Sirius' nonchalant shrug. James, eyes wide, tried to tug his best friend's arm down.
"Stop it!" Sirius hissed.
"Since when do you answer questions?" James whispered back, horror colouring his tone.
"Sirius, are you feeling okay?" the werewolf reached out to place the back of his hand on his boyfriend's forehead.
"I'm fine! Let go of my arm James!" Yanking his arm out of the stag animagus' grip, he raised his hand till it was clearly visible.
"Miss Evans?" Slughorn's voice boomed, picking on one of his best students after deciding that maybe Sirius was ill or something equally worrying.
"It is recognised by its distinct mother-of-pearl sheen. The potion gives off a different aroma for everyone who smells it; the unique smell reminds the maker of the things they find most attractive."
"Excellent! Another five points to Gryffindor!" Lily smiled at Slughorn, eyes sparkling at the praise.
"Come on, Padfoot, the question's already been answered (by my lovely Lily...). Put your hand down! Now!" James glared at him. The stag Animagus had a feeling they may have to take a detour to the hospital wing on the way back to the common room. Sirius' behaviour was really, really, alarming.
"No," Sirius muttered out of the corner of his mouth, "I need to ask him something. Professor!"
Slughorn turned to look at him, frowned and then turned away, thoroughly unsettled. Sirius Black had never, ever, contributed anything useful in any of his lessons. Why was he starting now?
"Ugh! He ignored me!" the dog Animagus mumbled, irritated. Still, he kept a smile on his face and his hand in the air. "Professor! I really need to ask you something!"
Slughorn glanced back at the young Black, sighing resignedly, "What is it, Mr Black?"
"I just wanted to ask you-" Sirius began.
"Black, are you ill?" the potions professor couldn't help but let the words slip from his mouth. Snape sniggered, glaring maliciously at the three Marauders. Who glared right back.
"No, professor! Believe me, I'm fine." he replied eagerly. And then with a poker straight face, he asked, "can Amortentia be used as a lubricant?"
"... What?!" Slughorn spluttered, sincerely hoping Black didn't mean it in the way he thought he did.
"As in, in sexual activities... You know, like sexual lubricant...?" Sirius smiled cheekily at him, disregarding the horrified, mortified (Remus) and positively gleeful expressions (James) next to him.
The entire was still and silent, watching the exchange with shock and surprise. Everybody knew that Sirius Black had guts... but this... He'd just better thank God that Slughorn wasn't as strict as McGonagall...
"Mr Black! I cannot even begin to tell you how inappropriate-"
"'Cause Remus and me... sometimes we can't find the lube... and well- Mmphf!" Remus clapped a hand on Sirius' big, stupid, stupid mouth. While the poor werewolf was scarlet with humiliation, irritation shone brightly in his eyes.
"I'm ever so sorry, Professor. Sirius fell off of his bed this morning and I think he banged his head particularly hard... We'll get him to the hospital wing as soon as possible." Remus stared up at the professor imploringly, keeping his hand clamped on Sirius' lips, trying to ignore the tongue licking his palm.
The werewolf turned his head to glare at Sirius, communicating his annoyance through his eyes.
I'm warning you, Sirius!
Sirius cocked his head to the side, biting the inside of Remus' fingers lightly, his grey eyes sparkling cheekily.
I love you too, Remy baby!
Remus' eyes narrowed.
Any more misbehaviour, I will hurt you...
"It's fine, Mr Lupin... just keep Black under control, please..." Slughorn cleared his throat uncertainly and waddled back to the front of the classroom, trying to regain some control of the situation.
Remus lowered his hand slowly and wiped his wet hand on his trousers. "You are disgusting!" He hissed, trying desperately to get Sirius' saliva off his palm. James simply sniggered, shaking his head at his friend's craziness.
"Brilliant, mate!" The stag animagus clapped him on the back. "I'm proud of you!"
"What can I say, Prongs? I'm just brilliant... but I suppose I shouldn't take all the credit... after all it was Remus' idea." Sirius grinned at his boyfriend and best friend, reaching into his bag to pull out a piece of parchment boldly titled, '50 Things Sirius Black Is Not Allowed To Do'.
James guffawed loudly, almost drowning out the rhythmical sound of Remus' head crashing into table over and over again.
There's the first one of the ten I am going to do!
Hope you like and apologies for the crapness...