Disclaimer: Don't own magic
This came out of a game session me and some buddies were playing. You ever wonder what some of the cards would be like if put into actual practice?
"General the armies of the swamp are preparing for our assault!" The young scout reported saluting stiffly. The General just rocked back on his heels, folding his hands behind his back as he did so. He peered out across the field to a point only he could see.
"Is that so?" He murmured. The scout saluted again, gauntleted hand knocking against the helmet.
"Yessir! At our current strength we will not be able to break through the defensive line!" The general suppressed a wince. What was it with scouts and the need to yell every time they opened their mouths? It wasn't like he was deaf or anything, he wasn't standing half a mile away, he was right next to the scout.
"Sir?" The significantly quieter voice of his aid cut through the general's tirade. "About the swamp armies sir." Oh yes, the swamp armies, well this shouldn't be too hard.
"Humph, looks like one good hit this turn will finish them off." The scout squawked.
"But general! Didn't you hear what I said?!" And there it was again! Come on people! He was only thirty five years old! He wasn't old enough to lose his hearing or go senile yet!
"Yes." He snapped the scout blanched at the sharp tone of voice. "I heard you. Aide." His aide sighed.
"I do have a name you know it wouldn't be much trouble to remember it."
"Bah! I'm too old for that!" Well if everyone was going to assume he'd gone senile, he might as well make the most of it and torturing his aide seemed like a good idea. His aide let out another put-upon sigh.
"You're only thirty five sir." The general snapped out orders before the aide could finish the sentence.
"Release the taunting elf! And then send our grizzly bears, trained aramdons and throw a couple pythons in there for good measure." The general nodded, pleased with himself as his aide relayed the orders.
"Why do I have to do this?" The elf whined as his fellow soldiers strapped lightweight armor on him.
"Because you won the unpopularity contest." The soldier buckling his chest plate said, tugging the straps a bit too tight.
"What? When was that? A solider strapping on his weapon's belt answered gruffly.
"Last night, weren't you paying attention?" The elf cocked his head to the side, a light dawned.
"Oooohhhhh….so that was what all those white strips of paper were for." Several of the foot soldiers nodded. A thought suddenly struck the elf.
"What-exactly-am I supposed to do?" He obligingly lifted his arms for one of the soldiers to drop a bright red and white tunic over his armor.
"Run." Was the one word answer. The elf looked confused as he was led to the forefront of the army.
"Because why?" By now they had reached the very front lines and the trees of the forest had thinned out.
"Because they'll be chasing you." The soldier who had spoken pointed out across the way to where a thick black line of powerful looking creatures were gathered. A bad feeling slowly stole over the elf. He hesitantly asked his next question:
"And uh…what will happen when they catch up?" The soldier shrugged.
-Back with the General-
"Did you hear that scream?" One of his advisers asked.
"Nope, I'm going deaf." The general answered sulkily.
"No really. It sounded very high pitched." The adviser persisted. "There it is again! It sounded like: Oh dear lord please don't make me do this." The aide forestalled anymore questions and denials.
"Looks like the taunting elf has been deployed sir." A small figure was thrown bodily out into the middle of the field. It stood up and began to brush itself off.
"Sir I feel the need to express my doubt that the swamp armies will fall for such an obvious tactic." The adviser stated bluntly after getting a good look at the taunting elf tactic his general was about to employ.
The swamp army general was having what constituted as a good day. The troops were not eating each other…much, the advisors were not being annoying, his scouts were not yelling at him. Yes today looked good, the defensive line was built up such that even though the army had suffered major attacks early on, the forest enemy would not dare attack now-wait a minute…what was that moving around in the field….it looked like an elf…an elf wearing a bright red tar-Oh No.
And just like that, before the general could even blink his entire defensive line, actually his entire army, advisers included, was off, chasing after the elf. Who upon feeling the ground begin to vibrate had looked up, seen the advancing army, let out an ear piercing scream and high tailed it as fast as he could away from his pursuers. The swamp general was left in the dust, he looked around, nope no one besides him, he shrugged his shoulders, when in Rome…
-Back with the Forest General-
The general whirled around on the advisor a triumphant smirk on his face. The adviser sighed, and pinched the area between his eyes. The general turned back to the forest army.
"My soldiers! The swamp armies have fallen for my brilliant military tactic! Even their general has gone chasing after our taunting elf!"
"Wasn't as much taunting as running and screaming." One of the soldiers mumbled under his breath. The general continued having not heard the comment or the quiet sniggering from the soldiers that accompanied it.
"And now we shall attack with part of our might! Go forth and conquer our enemy's territory!" Needless to say when the dust settled, the forest army was the victor…except for the taunting elf. He wasn't the victor of anything.
-Just for fun not really serious. If you liked it let me know and I might write more.