Do not even question it, just read it and appreciate all it's clever parallels and revel in my glory. You wish you were this cool. So without further ado. No ado at all. I wouldn't want to but a damper on how awesome this is by delaying you from reading it so IT'S GOING TO START RIGHT NOW.


Ok, but really, right now. Go.


A sudden jarring knocked Harry awake. He had been sleeping on a hardwood floor so there wasn't anything to soften the impact except for his knees and elbows.

"Ow buggery, ow," Harry said, as a painful tingling sensation shot up his arms and legs. He rolled onto his back to wallow in self-pity and angst for a good minute or two. There were small indents in his face from the spaces between planks of the wood he had been sleeping on. Although angsty, Harry had become accustomed to it enough to multitask. Somewhere between thoughts of dead parents, a horrible aunt and uncle, Snape and HOW EVERYTHING BAD HAPPENED TO HIM; Harry also managed to ask himself, "Why the hell am I in the Shrieking Shack?."

Harry couldn't remember exactly what it was he was doing in the Shrieking Shack or before he got there, but his watch informed him that it was mid-afternoon and he was missing his classes. Hedwig (appearing out of nowhere) was in tow. Harry spent five minutes feeling around, knocking on the wood floor, and prodding things with his wand, but absolutely could not find the latch. Then, after an uncharacteristic stroke of genius, he tried the front door. It was locked.

"Alohomora," he said, flicking his wand. The front door opened just like magic.

What Harry saw next shocked and astounded him. SHOCKED AND ASTOUNDED. All he could see was a land worthy of a children's novel. Grassy fields invaded by flowers of every colour of the spectrum (some infrared and ultraviolet), trees with fruits that shouldn't logically grow in the same geographical location, and every beautiful species of bird. No ugly birds, like turkeys or vultures. Belch.

"Hedwig, I don't think we're in Hogwarts anymore."

(If Hedwig could have responded she would've said, "Well no duh.")

Harry became entranced by a particularly beautiful, fiery-red bird until Hedwig nipped him in the ear and he noticed a strange crowd forming. They were small and funny looking, er, things, that had huge eyes and long sticky-out ears. Four approached Harry. There were three males and one female as far as Harry could tell. He'd never been gifted at judging other species' gender. The creatures were dressed oddly. They wore things like tea cosies and pillows as clothing. In fact, the only clothing they wore that was actually considered actual clothing were horribly mismatched socks. As for colour, all their "clothes" were mostly crimson red.

When the four approaching were only a few feet away they stopped and whispered, high-pitchedly to each-other. Soon, one stepped forward.

"You are most welcomed here in the land of house elves, great wizard sir. We are very grateful to you sir, for having killed our horrible mistress, the Wicked Witch of the East, Bellatrix. You set us free from our slavery sir." The elf strained to get the parts about how horrible his former mistress was out, and as soon as he finished he ran to the side of the house and started to head-butt it.

Harry was embrangled by this house elf thing. How had he/she/it know he was a wizard? He wasn't brandishing his wand at them or anything. And he didn't recall killing anyone either.

"Er, I think you're mistaken," he told the elves, "I haven't killed anyone."

"Pardon me sir, but your house did anyway. And that is the same thing sir! See?"

The house elf gestured to two feet poking out from under the house, clad in a pair of rather *~*~awesome~*~*looking sneakers.

"Oh, er... oops. So who was she?"

"The Wicked Witch of the East, sir," the house elf said slowly so Harry would understand this time.

"And're house elves?"

"They most certainly are. Poor house elves, having to do such dreadful, constant, work for that horrible women," said a rather huffy girl. She had joined the three remaining conscious elves, carrying an abused book-bag that was straining to hold it's contents. Her hair was a brown mess of utter madness. Someone needed to avoid humidity and discover product.

"My name is Hermione. I am the Good Witch of the North and the representative for house elf kind and president of the Society for the Protection of Elfish Welfare. And you are?"

"Um, Harry Potter?"

"Charmed. The elves sent me an owl with the news of you killing the Wicked Witch of the East. I would have done something about her myself but I am not nearly powerful enough," the Good Witch Hermione said matter-of-factly.

"How many witches are there then?" Harry asked.

Hermione sighed exasperatedly, "Well four, one for each compass direction. The other Good Witch is of the South, but she's a bit off if you ask me, she claims that her land is that of the Crumple Horned Snorkacks, which are a load of rubbish. And now there's only one Wicked Witch, well Wizard actually, that of the West."

Harry's blood ran cold. "Voldemort?"

Hermione looked confused. "I do not know of this Voldemort person, the Wicked Wizard of the West doesn't really have a set name. He can't quite find one that's satisfying. Last week I believe he was Lo, I am Lord Tom Vador but now he's Evil Lord Doom Mart. Rather unfortunate if you ask me. I believe his real name is Tom Marvolo Riddle and he's just not doing a very good job off anagramming it."

Harry had to resist the urge to laugh at hearing Voldemort's name in this world. "Who are the wizards then?" he asked.

"Dumbledore is the Great Wizard. He's the most powerful of all of us and the wisest. But he is a bit off his rocker if you don't mind me saying. He lives in the Philosopher's Stone City."

"This is all lovely but I'd really better get back to my school, Hogwarts. I'm missing all my classes, do you know the way?" Harry asked. He had had enough of these crazies and was surprised to find himself wishing he was in potions class right now. Was anything sacred? The Good Witch was about to answer when a House Elf squealed and pointed at where the Wicked Witches legs were formerly poking out. Now all that remained were her *~*~awesome~*~* sneakers and a pile of dust.

"Those sneakers are yours now, but they must be obtained through magic seeing as the Wicked Witch had some sort of enchantment put on them. I'm not sure what it was but it could be very dangerous, so be careful. Allow me." Hermione began to recite an incantation.

"Snake-skin sneakers, sneakers great

Leave the feet of she who's late

With the power of all that's merry

Grace the feet of the one named Harry"

Absolutely nothing happened.

"Absolutely nothing happened...," Harry said.

"Well of course nothing happened, that's not a real spell, is it?"

Harry could only wonder why she had bothered with the incantation if it wasn't an actual spell in the first place.

"Accio sneakers," said Hermione, flicking her wand. The sneakers flew over to her and she caught them and handed them to Harry. Harry, totally enchanted by their snake-skin and *~*~awesome~*~*, took of his own shoes instantly and put them on instead.

"Right so about getting out of here and back to Hogwarts?" he said once the laces were done up tightly. Even though they were originally a woman's pair of shoes, they fit perfectly.

"Is this Hogwarts a civilized place?" Hermione the Good Witch asked.

"Er, well, there are a few trollish Slytherins, but yeah, I guess," Harry answered.

"No, no. Civilized. Like to civilize. As in to bring a place or people to a stage of social, cultural, and moral development considered to be more advanced."

"Oh, er, well yes then."

"Well this is the Land of Oz, it's never been truly civilized; it's cut off from the rest of the world. That's why there are so few true witches and wizards. There's a great desert to the East, West, South and North that no one has ever been able to cross alive." Hermione said.

Harry was about to ask what the possibilities were of people having crossed the desert and just didn't come back were, or perhaps be a smart-ass and ask about Southwest or Northeast but he was interrupted by the Good Witch's continuations.

"But you could always stay here and be the secretary of the S.P.E.W.. We're rather short on members, you see. I was originally going to name it Stop the Outrageous Abuse of Our Fellow Magical Creatures and Campaign for a Change in Their Legal Status, but S.O.A.O.F.M.C.C.C.T.L.S. didn't fit on the badges so that's just the heading of our manifesto."

Harry was stricken with a sudden bout of homesickness. Never see Hogwarts again? Sure this place was better than the Dursley's place, but Hogwarts was his true home. He turned very red trying not to cry. Hermione heaved a sigh.

"Oh all right, I suppose I might be able to do something."

Hermione the Good Witch pulled a crimson red envelope out of her overstuffed book-bag. It started to steam and smoulder until if finally ripped open and screamed loudly, "LET HARRY POTTER GO TO THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE CITY!" It then tore itself up and floated away in the slight breeze.

"Well that's that, perhaps Dumbledore will help you. He's a great wizard, although I've never seen him. The city is in the centre of the country and it's a long journey that you'll have to walk. Just follow the Golden Road and you'll get there eventually. Unfortunately it's rather dangerous sometimes and I can't go with you, but I can give you this S.P.E.W. badge so magical creatures will know you support their rights and will lend you a hand if you need one."

"Ok, thanks I guess," Harry said, accepting the obnoxiously coloured badge.

"You're welcome, I usually charge two sickles for those," Hermione said, and then disappeared with a crack. Hedwig ruffled her feathers, unnerved by the sudden departure, but Harry had expected her to disappear in exactly that way.

After the House Elves bid him a cheery and encouraging good-bye, Harry set off towards the Philosopher's Stone City.

Read and Review. Let me know if you see any mistakes and I'll fix them. I read through it a few times already but you never know. I don't own Harry Potter or the Wizard of Oz, etc., etc.. Hope you enjoyed the first chapter. TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS.