Title: 3x22 - Turn and Face the Strange Parody
Translated by sweet_babymomma
Word count: 927
A huge THANK YOU to hiding_duh for betaing this mess! All mistakes are mine.
ANGELA: I slept so well in the House of God! Oh joys of Catholicism! I had such a wonderful dream about Danko and oysters and... Anyway. Now we need to find Nathan and Claire before they put Nabokov's «Lolita» into practice.
Janice Parkman's house
VIEWERS: Wow, she's bought herself one neat place with her ex's alimony!
HIRO&ANDO: We are fed up with trying to save the Cheerleader, but we still need to save someone otherwise the script writers will get rid of us. Give us Parkman-junior, Matt Parkman's ex-wife!
*there's a knock on the door*
AGENTS SMITHS: Janice Parkman, we need to question you and your son.
JANIS JANICE: You see, he can't talk yet...
AGENTS SMITHS: We are the government agents. We can make ANYONE talk.
AGENTS SMITHS: Get a gun-butt in the teeth!
HIRO: Time, stop! (in 5 minutes, dragging a truck with Ando in it) #$%, Ando! American food is evil! No more waffles for you!
NOAH *is drinking in the sight of the dead Sylar*
DANKO: Stop groping him you pervert! The man is DEAD!
NOAH: How did you do that? I was hunting him down for YEARS and you killed him in a week.
DANKO: Unlike you, genius, and your brainiac daughter, I knew that the glass melts in the fire. That's why I used my pocket knife. I suspect that you didn't really want to separate from him – just like you don't want to divorce from your estranged wife.
SOME WOMAN: Mr. Bennet, your wife is here.
NOAH: That's weird!
SOME WOMAN: She wants to see you!
NOAH: That's even more weird!
SANDRA: I'm sick of staying at home and talking to a dog! I need company! Where's our daughter?
NOAH: She's safe. Honey, why don't you...
SANDRA: WHERE THE HELL IS CLAIRE?!
DANKO: You must be Mrs Bennet? I saw your picture *smiles as suggestively as if that picture was published in «Hustler»*
SANDRA: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE SEEN!
DANKO: It's always nice to talk to a true lady! *leaves*
MOHINDER: I'm going back to India!
MATT *is polishing his gun* Uh-huh.
MOHINDER: Are you coming with me honey?
MATT: No, I'm staying. They killed my girlfriend and I want to take vengeance.
MOHINDER *is hurt*
A public rest-room
DANKO: You scared the shit out of me! Thank goodness I'm already in the rest-room!
DANKO!SYLAR: You know what's the best thing about the shapeshifting? Your clothes fits me perfectly!
DANKO: Can I ask you something? Why do you like chatting with strangers in the bathrooms so much? Do you remember where it's led George Michael?
A phone call
ANGELA: I had a dream!
NOAH: So what? Call your shrink!
ANGELA: Ever heard of Coyote Sands? I need you there, now!
NOAH: Don't want! I got Sylar's body here in the morgue and I just can't stop thinking about it...
ANGELA: No wonder! Have you SEEN that body? Even I, at my age...
NOAH: Shut up, you dirty old lady, I don't want to hear it!
ANGELA: ...Just look at those arms... or that chest... or...
NOAH: OMG, that's Claire-Bear's grandmother, ladies and gentlemen!
On the street
MATT *is looking at Danko from his car* You're scared! You's SO scared... You've never been so scared in your life! Ever seen «It»? Well, that evil clown from that movie... IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU! Are you scared yet? Good! Now you have to take a taxi and go to the person you're scared for the most! Good boy! And I'll escort you there...
Near the crematorium
NOAH: Belay the barbecue! This body doesn't belong to the person you think it does!
CREAMATORIUM WORKER #1 *to his colleagues* Do you think it's time to call the psychiatric team?
CREAMATORIUM WORKER #2: I'm not sure...
NOAH *to the body* If you're not Sylar, then WHO ARE YOU?
CREAMATORIUM WORKER #2: And now it's time!
Alena Mikhailov's home
RUSSIAN VIEWERS: Why is she «Mikhailov»? The suffix «ov» defines the masculine gender. Is she an Alena with a penis?
ALENA: Йа всьегда рада тибья видеть, Джейкоб!
RUSSIAN VIEWERS: Ну бля...
DANKO: Let's talk English, ok?
ALENA: Okay, mai deer! I vil spik in Inglish for you!
ENGLISH-SPEAKING VIEWERS: *facepalm* D'oh!
Suresh Senior's Apartment
Suresh Junior: I'm alone and talking to myself... Again.
DANKO: Alena? How'd you get here?
MATT: We came in through the door.
DANKO: You brought Alena here to prove that I'm not a salesman, I have no family and my name is not Jacob? You wanted to show her that I'm actually a cold-blooded killer?
MATT: Damn it! You spoiled all the fun! So much for vengeance. Kill me.
DANKO: With pleasure!
HIRO: Time, stop! *drags Parkman away*
Оn the street
MATT: Why did you save me?
ANDO: Matt Parkman? Take your son away from me – otherwise this stupid grin will get stuck to my face forever.
MATT: Right! I have a son!
PETER: What are we doing here?
NATHAN: Why did I try to get here during the whole episode?
CLAIRE: Where's the bathroom?
ANGELA: If I tell you everything now, what would we do during the next episode? Who knows the correct answer?
PETER: Are we gonna save the world?
NATHAN: ...Make me the President of the USA?
CLAIRE: ...Look for a bathroom?
ANGELA: Take the shovels. The correct answer is: we gonna DIG.
to be continued