New Moon

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, I just enjoy torturing people's work. The tiny screams of the written word being mangled by my twisted imagination make me smile. Like this: =)

Scene 1: Cullen House

Cullens: Happy birthday, Smella!

Bella: IT'S BELLA! *bursts into tears*

Esme: what's wrong? Did our offensive nicknames make you upset, walking dinne-..I mean Bella?

Bella: No, well YES, but that's not why I'm crying. It's because I'm OLD! Soon I'll be fat and smell like old peoples!

Alice: not to mention wrinkly!

Edward: Alice, that is not helping!

Alice: I'm know, that's why I'm doing it.

Edward: *under his breath* Your shoes are ugly…

Alice: RAAAAWRRRRR!

(Bella falls on a conveniently placed knife.)

Bella: Oh no, a paper cut.

(Edward pops up wearing a cape and leaps at Jasper, who jumps towards Bella. At this point, the author ran out of synonyms for 'Jump'. How sad.)

-GENERAL EPIC BATTLENESS, BUT ONLY FOR ABOUT 4 SECONDS-

Bella: Eddie-kins, get your coat, we're leaving!

Edward: But this is my house…

Bella: Get in the car!

Edward: And that was MY line…

Carlisle: Edward, do what she says. You can never win an argument with a woman. Painful memories, very painful.

Edward: I see them in your mind. Did Esme really do that?

Carlisle: (Darkly) And worse…

Edward: (In high-pitched voice) Ok, let's go.

Scene 2: A Place

Edward: I'm leaving, Bella.

Bella: Oooh, Edward. Look at the prettyful flowers!

Edward: I don't want you any more…

Bella: *Is singing random ABBA song* …prancing bean, blah blah blah, are your windows clean?…

Edward: It will be as if I never existed.

Bella: I wonder if a tree fell in a forest, and there was no one around to hear it, would Jacobs dying screams as he was slowly crushed still make a sound?

Edward: AAARGH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!

(Edward storms off. Bella is still prattling on…)

2 hours later…..

Bella: ….so, what do you think Eddie-weddie? Eddie-kins? EDWARD ANTHONY MASEN CULLEN, GET BACK HERE NOW!

(Silence reigns, then there is a brief but bloody rebellion by Noise, during which silence is exiled to libraries, graveyards and horror movies.)

Bella: Nooo, my ickle Eddie-kins has been kidnapped by aliens! Or else he left me. OH GOD NO HE LEFT ME! HE SHALL PAY! Once I stop being a zombie-Bella. BRaAaInS…

Scene 3: Charlie's house, several months later

Bella: zOmBiEs LiKe bRaAaIns….

Charlie: Get a social life or I'll send you to your reckless, irresponsible mother, where you shall be happy and have a loving family.

Bella: BrAa… What! No, I'll do anything! Even go to the cinema with a girl who kidnapped and tortured me with shopping!

(Bella phones Jess)

Bella: Hi, evil woma- …I mean Jess. How'd you like to go to the cinema.

Jess: Umm…

Bella: You WILL go, or I'll eat your face.

Jess: Sounds great!

A/N: Yes, I was bored and decided to write this. Now I will have to continue, whether I want to or not so REVIEW! And sorry for all the capital letters in the story, it annoys me too. =)