Writer's note: You'll all hate me for saying this, but I'm a little tired of Kat/Patrick fics which is why I wanted to write something different for a change. I love the show because it's got other great characters and stories too and not just Kat/Patrick - I love Joey, Cameron, and especially Walter Stratford (hope he and the woman from last week's episode get together). I'm sure most of the fic here will be Kat/Patrick, but I really enjoy the other relationships on the show. My favorite is the big brother-type relationship developing between Cameron and Patrick, it is hilarious but also kind of sweet. Patrick is a little ornery to Cameron (the husband one-liner in Light My Fire was so funny!) but I also like how he genuinely tries to help Cameron when Cameron asks for it. It inspired me to write this, another future fic.
Summary: Patrick gives Cameron another pep talk in the only way he knows how – by being Patrick.
Bull, Not Bear
Cameron James paced back and forth constantly on the church room's hardwood floors. Back and forth. Back and forth.
It was, decided Patrick Verona, one of most annoying things he'd ever seen.
Finally running out of patience, Patrick irritably slapped shut the Harley Davidson magazine issue he'd been trying to read for over half an hour. It was bad enough that he had to wear this stupid monkey suit again, but Bianca wasn't ready, Dr. Stratford hadn't come in yet to help Cameron with his tux, and were it not for the fact that Kat had threatened to maim and castrate Patrick (not necessarily in that order) if Patrick didn't show up for the ceremony today, he would've taken off long ago.
"Dude, would you quit pacing already? You're starting to make me motion sick!" Patrick tossed the magazine on the couch and walked to over to a very agitated Cameron. "What's the matter with you, are you getting cold feet?"
Cameron was sweating profusely. Patrick wrinkled his nose and pulled away. Catching the look on Cameron's face, however, Patrick sighed resignedly. "Okay, what have you done now?"
"I'm getting married to Bianca today!" squeaked Cameron.
"No, really? And I thought I was wearing this to enter a penguin-look-a-like contest," said Patrick sarcastically.
"You don't understand!" cried Cameron feverishly, starting to pace again. "I am getting married. To Bianca!"
"Okay, are you trying to start a state-the-obvious contest or did you have a lobotomy over the weekend? I know that, we've all known that for the past 6 months-"
"I-I can't go through with it!" Cameron was visibly shaking now. "What if she doesn't like me after a few months? What if she decides this is the biggest mistake of her life?" Cameron's voice rose hysterically with every syllable. "What if she's had enough of me and runs off with the cable guy? What am I supposed to do then?"
"Switch to satellite?"
For the first time, Cameron glared at him. "This isn't funny, okay? What if we have a horrible marriage and she has an affair with the gardener?"
Patrick clutched his temples. He knew he should've brought that aspirin with him to the church.
"Dude, one, you don't have a gardener. And two, quit watching Desperate Housewives reruns, okay?"
"Now listen," said Patrick calmly. He went over and put his hands on Cameron's shoulders. "You have been in love with Bianca Stratford since high school. Or possibly since you were in your mother's womb. Or maybe even when you were a little sperm rolling around in you-know-where. If I had to guess, I'd guess it started when you were the sperm. But never mind that! You. Love. Bianca. And she loves you too, which normally would surprise me, but since she's related to Kat, and they're both crazy, not so much. Oh and by the way, if you have kids, there's a good chance they'll be crazy, too."
Cameron started to look even more freaked out. Oops, ix-nay on that topic.
"But that's okay!" added Patrick quickly. "Because you love each other. And your testicles have finally dropped and you are no longer that bear that sells the fabric softener, right?" Getting no response from a terrified-looking Cameron, Patrick took a step toward him and glared at him sternly. "Right?"
"Um, right," said Cameron meekly. Patrick glared at him harder.
"I don't think I heard you."
"Right. Right!" cried out Cameron in a more forceful voice.
"Now," said Patrick in the same military commando voice. "Get out there and get married to the woman of your dreams. You can do it!" He gave Cameron a hearty slap on the back that resulted him in almost getting knocked over.
"I can do it!," yelled Cameron, straightening up and started to head toward the door when Patrick grabbed his tuxedo tails and held him back.
"No, you can't do it. Not yet, Monsieur Love. Bianca's not ready yet. And you still have to wait for Dr. Stratford. Take a seat." Patrick gently shoved him onto the couch and plopped down beside him.
They sat in silence for a few moments.
"Hmm?" grunted Patrick.
..."I'm afraid of Dr. Stratford."
"He's a doctor, he has a scalpel! And he said if I ever hurt Bianca, he would cut my heart out with it. And not one of those sharp ones, he said he'd use a really dull scalpel that hurt a lot more." Cameron paused. "What did he say to you when you married Kat?"
"That if I ever hurt Kat, he'd cut my heart out with a dull scalpel," said Patrick conversationally, flipping through the magazine once again. "Well, after she stabbed me first."
..."Kat would stab you first?"
Patrick frowned. "Yeah, something about her cactus. Or eating a cactus. I can't remember." He shrugged.
Suddenly, they heard a knock on the door. "It's Walter. Can I come in?"
Cameron sprang up from the couch. "Just a minute, Dr. Stratford," said Cameron nervously. Patrick shot him a warning look.
"Now remember, you are no longer the fabric softener bear," hissed Patrick in a stage whisper. "Say it!"
"I am no longer the fabric softener bear," parroted Cameron obediently.
"You are a bull, powerful and strong!"
"I am a bull, powerful and strong."
"That's my boy," said Patrick slapping him on the back again. "Now you two have a nice chat," he started toward the back door.
"Hey, Patrick? Thanks," said Cameron gratefully.
Patrick hid a smile. "You're welcome, kid...hey, Cameron?"
..."I'm a little afraid of Dr. Stratford, too," admitted Patrick begrudgingly.
Cameron gaped at him.
"Oh, and Cameron?"
"If you tell anyone I told you that, I will cut out your heart with a dull scapel and stab you with a cactus." Patrick smiled warningly (or was it menacingly?) at Cameron. "Okay?"
"Okay," said Cameron meekly as he watched his best man saunter out the room.