Author Note: The poem isn't by me, it's by someone by the name of Emily.
Chapter 4 – Darkness
I stood outside Lilian's office for the longest time. I was just standing there, starting at the golden plaque with her name it, wondering if I really should go in there and tell her everything. For some odd reason I trusted Lilian now. I didn't know why, as I barely even knew her, but it really didn't matter anymore. All that matters is that I trust Lilian, and I promised her that I would tell her everything. Besides, she told me that she was going to help e, and I definitely not going to pass that up. I want a chance to live a normal life.
I opened the door and walked in. Lilian was sitting in her usual place behind the desk, going over some notes. She was wearing all black today. She smiled as I entered and closed the door.
"Hi, Jason," she said taking off her glasses and laying them on her desk.
"Hi..." I replied quietly.
"Take a seat."
I nodded and walked over to the sofa and sat down.
"So Jason, are you going to tell me anything new today?" Lilian asked. I nodded my head slowly and looked out of the window.
"I want to tell you everything, Lilian..." I say. She looked up at me and smiled again.
"Tell me, Jason. Tell me everything about you."
"Yes, Lilian. I'll tell you, I promise..."
Oh God, Jase! You're so stupid! You've been trying to get help for all this time and then a pretty girl comes into your life, and all of a sudden you want to tell her everything? Have you completely lost your mind? Don't tell her ANYTHING!
I wrap my hands around my head and shut my eyes. It's so hard trying to ignore the voice in my head. He's forever telling me what to do and I hate it. It's like being a kid and having my mother nagging at me again. Even though it continues to talk to me, I manage to block the horrid voice out and concentrate how I'll tell Lilian about my life. I hug my legs to my chest tightly, all the while looking at Lilian. I smile inwardly at the look of curiosity on her face, how can someone always look so beautiful? I took a deep breath and began my monologue.
"I guess it started when I was younger. My dad was very abusive towards my mum, because he had anger problems... I've never understood that, people always blame that shit on having 'anger problems', it's cowardly. Anyway, when he got bored with taking his crap out on Mum, he decided that he was going to take it out me. H-he got so worked up one night that he err... h-he..." I stopped for a second, forcing myself not to cry. "Anyway, my parent's got divorced not long after it happened. My mother couldn't bear to look at him after what he had put me through... A few months later my father found out where we had moved to... He slashed my mum's throat, I wanted to help her but I was afraid, then before I could stop him, my father shot himself." I took another deep breath, trying to clam myself down.
"As you can imagine, I've never been able to get over that. I had come home from school expecting my mum to be in the kitchen baking... she loved baking, it was her passion. She wasn't in the kitchen. I started panicking as I was walking up the stairs, I knew something was wrong. When I walked into my bathroom, I saw Mum laying there on the floor... There was blood, so much blood. Then I looked at him, he was standing over her with a fucking knife in his hand. I watched the knife fall to the ground before I heard the safety being taken off of the gun... He said 'sorry' before he put the gun in his mouth..." By this time I had silent tears running down my cheeks. Lilian came over and sat on the couch next to me, she didn't touch me. She was probably afraid that I would push her away again.
"I would still go to school, but I didn't tell anyone what had happened... I refused to tell anyone what had happened, so I had to take care of the situation myself... My parent's never had a proper burial, I'm the only one who knows where they are. My friends parent's found out that I was alone... My friend also found out that I was having nightmares and I-I..." I cut myself off, allowing the tears to fall freely from my eyes.
"You what, Jason?"
"I... I began to draw..." I took another deep breath, pulling myself together. "I began to draw things... different, disturbing things."
"What did you draw, Jason?"
"Just weird things, Lilian. I would draw my mum and dad... My grave... the monsters from my dreams. Just really strange things. Apparently, my friend found them and gave them to his parents, they decided the best thing for me was to put me in therapy. Then... my nightmares..." I stopped again, crying.
"What were your dreams of, Jason?" Lilian asked putting her hand on my shoulder.
"I dreamt a lot of different things... My suicide... Monsters eating me alive. I would often wake in the middle of the night screaming, and I heard whispers and see shadows on the wall. I got so scared, but there was no one there to help me. I used to cry at night, wishing my mum was there. But... she never was."
"I was a normal kid when my parents were around, things got bad when they were gone. I was picked on and teased at school. It got to the point where they would wait for me after school and beat me up, just for the fun of it."
"And?" Lilian asked me.
"And... That's when I met him... His name was Chris. Chris was my first best friend, and he seemed to be the only one that was willing to care for me. Things started to get confusing, I started to have feelings for him and I realised that I was attracted to both boys and girls. At the time I was worried that I was gay, and for a time I guess I was. Chris helped me cope with these feelings that I was having. He told me that he loved me and we started seeing each other. Then... He also... you know," I looked at Lilian and she nodded. "And I was left on my own again. After that, I would write and I had further thoughts of my suicide. I wrote a ton of poems..." I stopped looking at Lilian and stared at the wall. She was rubbing my shoulder which made me feel a little better.
"Can I see one of those poems, Jason?" She asked quietly, lightly squeezing my shoulder. I nodded and pulled my notebook out of my pocket and handed it to her. I was fightened that someone else was about to read one of my poems. But I knew that Lilian wouldn't judge them. She flipped the pad open and started reading aloud.
I'm swimming all alone in a pool of darkness
And I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under
I yell for help but no one is there to hear it
I begin to see the water at eye level
And I kick and flail
Fighting to stay above the darkness
But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me
And I slowly begin to give in
To the feeling that lies below the water line
The waters starts to fill my lungs
The lungs that once held so much life
Yet now they allow the murky water to replace that
I know that this path doesn't lead to happiness
But why doesn't someone grab my hand
Pull me from darkness's grasp?
Because no one knows I stand at the boundary
The boundary between light and dark
So I give in to the thing that holds me
All of the strength and all of the courage
That I once held in my heart
Can't save me from the water
So I slowly slip below the world of conscientiousness
Undetected by the occupants of that world
I don't want to fight anymore
I've given into darkness"
I could feel her looking at me as she finished reading it, but I refused to look at her.
"Jason…" she began, but I cut her off.
"I started to become more and more confused with my sexuality… Girls or boys? I couldn't decide… I still can't. I don't think I'll ever be able to answer that question," I said still looking at the wall. "Because of that reason I began cutting myself, there's just something thrilling about the way the blood flows out of my body, and the pain gives me release. The weird thing was that when the kids at school were kicking seven bells out of me, I liked it!" I began to laugh. "I fucking liked it... I liked it to the point where it turned me on. I'm a mac-maso… What's that word?"
"That's the one. I'm a masochist… The only problem is that the pleasure that I found in the pain left me with a lot of scars… I hate looking at myself, I just want to change who I am, I want to be someone else…" I tried my best not to look at Lilian, so she took charge and made me face her.
"Jason…" she said. "Jason, it's ok, I promise. Everything will be alright…" I started crying and she pulled me into a hug. She hugged me so tight that I was afraid that she wouldn't let me go. I stayed in her arms for what felt like hours and for the first time in my life I felt truly loved.
Thanks to my reviewers: Loz, JeffHardyLover21, loves-boy-slash, Tina, WF4 and DK. You know I love you all!
A couple of small apologies. First I'd like to apologize for how long it's taken me to write this chapter and secondly I'm sorry about the monologue of this chapter.
Hope you forgive me… Please?