Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the Twilight characters. Which is probably lucky for them.
It seemed like a normal night for the Cullens. Except for Edward, who was still engaging in his self inflicted stay-away-from-Bella torture somewhere in South America, they were all sitting in Tanya's cedar walled living room, doing nothing out of the ordinary. Carlisle was reading a medical text, Esme was staring at him with passionate love, Rosalie and Emmett were cuddling on the couch and mentally considering what they could do this night (if Edward had been in the room, he probably would have asked Esme to kick them out of the house again), and Alice had coerced Jasper into helping her make a map of all the shopping malls within a four-hour drive. Then, all of a sudden, she froze completely still, let out a piercing shriek, and fell to the ground.
Immediately everyone, even Emmett and Rosalie, were staring her, and Jasper had darted to her side at vampire speed.
"Love, what is it?" Rosalie rolled her eyes.
"She's had a vision, what do you think. Gosh, for being the second oldest here, you sure aren't very smart." Jasper growled menacingly at Rosalie, but kept his eyes fixed on his wife, who was slowly opening her own eyes. Abruptly, she jumped to her feet.
"BELLA JUMPED OFF A CLIFF INTO THE OCEAN AND KILLED HERSELF!" she shouted, and then dashed out the door. The reaction in the room was instantaneous. Esme fell against Carlisle's shoulder and sobbed. Carlisle clutched his medical text so hard his fingers ripped into it. Jasper banged his head against the floor (thought not hard enough to make a hole, luckily, because Tanya wouldn't have liked that at all) and cried that this was all his fault. Emmett stared around the room and said,
"Wait, what?" And Rosalie stood up to her full height on the couch and screeched almost as loud as Alice had,
"WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE CLIFFS?" Now everyone, with the exception of Jasper, who was still face down on the floor, was staring at her. Finally, Carlisle collected himself enough to ask,
"Rosalie, what are you talking about?" Rosalie was bouncing up and down on the couch now.
"Well, you tried to jump off cliffs to kill yourself for being a vampire. Then Esme jumped off a cliff to kill herself because she lost her baby. Now Bella jumped off a cliff because Mr. I'm-going-to-screw-up-everyone's-life-because-I-think-I'm-a-monster decided it was a better idea to hide in slums and be miserable about not being with her than actually be with her-" At this, Carlisle interrupted her with a frown.
"Listen, Rosalie, you know how hard the decision was for Edward and why he thinks it was for the best. He's moved on uncomplainingly for the rest of you; you need to be more considerate."
"None of the rest of us ever ran off for 6 months after making everyone move, though." Emmett pointed out brightly. Rosalie smacked him over the head with what remained of Carlisle's medical text.
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!" she shrieked. "THE POINT IS THAT THIS MEANS-" she paused for a moment to count on her fingers "THAT 3 OUT OF 8 OF US HAVE JUMPED OFF CLIFFS! THAT'S-" she paused again "THAT"S 37.5%!"
"Yeah, well, you know that's a failing grade, Rose," Emmett pointed out. "Maybe a few more of us should go." Rosalie growled and whacked her husband with the medical text again, before it was suddenly snatched out of her hands by Jasper, who proceeded to beat himself over the head with it until it had been reduced to confetti.
"This is all my fault!" he moaned.
"You know," Emmett observed slowly "if you jump off a cliff too it'll bring our total up to 50%." Letting out another growl, Rosalie leaped down to the floor and walloped him with the couch.