4AN: Another songfic. So yea. This one is emotional...
Lullabies
JimmiePOV
"Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye
It could be for the last time
And it's not right"
It was 3 years ago today. She's gone. She would've been 20 today. But she's not here anymore. I still remember clearly the day it happened. It was my fault. I provoked her. On her birthday of all days. They say I had nothing to do with it. That it had been a long time coming. But it's a lie. They know it and I know it. They just didn't want me to do the same.
"Don't let yourself
Get in over your head," he said
Alone and far from home, I'll find you"
"I can't believe you! How could you tell Mom and Dad?" I yelled at her.
"I don't know why the hell your out that late. Why do you sneak out so much Jimmie? What are you doing? Who are you seeing? How the hell am I supposed to be sure that you're safe? You're thirteen!" my sister, Morgan, yelled back.
She had told my parents about my sneaking out in the middle of the night and of course they got pissed. Now I'm subject to late night check-ins.
"You're not! You're my sister not my mother! Just because you're older than me doesn't mean you can dictate my life! And if you must know, I go to the park down the street!" I shouted.
"Why?" she asked.
"I go to think. To have some peace for once. Mom and Dad arguing all the time doesn't help with the random splitting headaches I get. I have enough pressure as the captain of the basketball team and I have to come home to hear them yelling and screaming at each other! And now thanks to you I can't even have time to myself." I said as I pushed her out of my way. She grabbed onto my elbow and spun me around with a look of remorse on her face, but I was too angry to care.
"Jimmie, I-I'm sorry. I didn't know-" I cut her off.
"No. You didn't, because you didn't ask. Why? Because you just love being the "golden child" don't you? Them fighting doesn't affect you because they treat you like a freaking princess! 'Oh Morgan all A's and B's! Let's buy her a new ipod! Jimmie, why can't you be as respectful and committed as your sister?' " I said, yanking my arm away walking to my room.
"Jimmie, you know that's not true! And you don't know how it affects me!" She yelled, tears coming to her eyes. But I still didn't care.
"No! I don't know! And frankly I don't care!" I yelled back, storming into my room slamming the door and locking it. It was a few minutes later that I heard her radio blasting "Last Resort" by Papa Roach.
"Dead, like a candle you burned out
Spill the wax over the spaces
Left in place of angry words
Scream to be heard
Like you needed any more attention
Throw the bottle, break the door
And disappear"
Later that night I was sitting in the living room staring at the black screen of the TV. I felt terrible for going off on Morgan like that but she just got me so angry. I got up and walked up the stairs, walking towards her room where I could hear Green Day playing on her radio.
I knocked once, twice, three times.
"Morgan?" I called. I had gotten the present I made her. I felt terrible because it was her birthday today and I'm pretty sure I ruined it by being a brat. It was burned cd's of every song I knew she loved.
"Morgan?" I called before opening the door. She was on her bed and her sheets were bloody. I dropped the cd's and ran to her side.
"MORGAN!" I yelled, checking for a pulse, anything that would tell me I wasn't too late, that she could still be alive. I was yelling her name, hoping she would hear me, not believing what was in front of me. I called my mom and dad and 911. An ambulance was on it's way. I knew tears were streaming down my face. My throat was constricting, causing my breathing to become shallow and I was covered in the blood coming from her arms and legs and stomach.
The ambulance came and they had to pull me off of her. They asked what happened and I told them that we got into an argument, that I didn't mean for her to get so angry. I just walked in to give her her present and to apologize for being a jerk. I knew the words were coming out but I was somewhere else. I was in the park, sleeping, hoping this was just a terrible dream.
"Sing me to sleep
I'll see you in my dreams
Waiting to say
"I miss you. I'm so sorry."
At her funeral, people came up saying how sorry they were and how she'll be missed but I wasn't listening. I was staring at her casket. It was shiny, black, and closed. A picture stood next to it. It was one taken last summer. Her smile was as beautiful as ever. Her chocolate brown eyes were smiling with her and her jet black hair framed her round, pale face.
As I walked closer I could see people staring at me, wanting to see what I would do. I got closer and my heart was beating faster than ever. As I stood in front of her I placed a hand on her casket.
"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I miss you. Please." as I said this my mom walked up and wiped away the single tear that had fallen from my eye before pulling me into her arms as I came undone and cried for the first time since the day it happened.
"Forever's never seemed so long
As when you're not around
It's like a piece of me is missing
I could have learned so much from you
But what's left now?"
After that I wasn't the same. I went through everyday motions. I went to school, listened to kids apologize for what she did when all I wanted was to be home in bed. After a while we moved to New Mexico because it was too hard to walk past her open door and know she wouldn't be there.
I was supposed to learn what I could from her. I could have learned so much but I can't now. She's gone and it was my fault.
"Don't you realize
You brought this family a world of pain?
Can't you see there could have been
A happy ending we let go?"
At the same time I was so angry. She did it to get away from everything. She was selfish. I don't know if she thought about how this would affect my mother, who became depressed. Or my dad, who threw himself into his work, leaving early and coming home late.
There wasn't a note. There wasn't any closure. Without that, I don't know that we could ever truly come to terms with what happened.
"Sing me to sleep
(You've taken so much with you)
I'll see you in my dreams
(But left the worst with me)
Waiting to say
"I miss you. I'm so sorry."
I'm sorry, I'm sorry"
I see her though. Every time I dream I see her. Sometimes it's a good dream. One where we talk about random things and laugh till we cry. Sometimes it's bad. Like a replay of that day. I wake in a cold sweat and tears down my face.
She took her life, and left the pain of it with me. But I would never forget the words that I so badly want to tell her.
I'm sorry.
An: I heard the song and I had to write a songfic. Review?