Update 1/30/14: The crackiest crack I've ever written. I did try to improve it slightly, but will it ever be lovely? No. No.

Yaoified

Let me tell you all a little story…


Tsunade, Temari, and Sakura were having a pleasant time with one another. It was kind of like a drinking party, except the only one who was actually drinking alcohol was Tsunade. Due to their young ages, Temari and Sakura were drinking apple juice in an attempt to look a bit more sophisticated. As sophisticated as a crazy drunk, apparently. Anyway, it all started with one conversation. One, that most people, would consider quite normal.

"I can so turn all the boys in the village gay!"

Yeah. Normal.

"Temari… I just don't think it's possible to turn someone gay."

"Exactly. You can't turn people gay, squirt. Let alone everyone in the village."

"With a special jutsu I can!" said Temari, looking quite smug.

"I still don't believe it. Face it, kid, you can't convince me." Tsunade looked back at her stoically.

"Fine! I'll show you all! By the end of the day, I'll have yaoi-fied this town. And you can't tell the other's it's me. That would just be cheating," said Temari, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

"I… Have a bad feeling about this. Sakura, go warn the boys that someone is trying to turn them all gay!" Tsunade ordered.

"But shouldn't we tell them it's Temari?" asked Sakura.

"Nuuuu, that would be cheating!"

"Yeah, she's totally drunk," Sakura mumbled under her breath, as she went to go tell all of the boys the bad news.


'I'll start with Sasuke and Naruto!' she thought, spying them in the training grounds. She walked up to them calmly and said,

"Hey guys! What's going on?"

"Oh nothin'. Just training with the bastard over here!" Naruto replied, grinning.

"Oh, that's cool-yaoi jab of doom!" she said, jabbing him hard in the side.

"What the hell!?" exclaimed Sasuke as he looked at Naruto worriedly.

"Yaoi jab!" said Temari again, jabbing Sasuke in the side, as well.

"My work here is done," she sang, seeing them look at each other with lust in their eyes. She then ran off, searching for her next victim.


"Oh my god!" yelled Sakura, as she saw what Temari had already done to the village. All of her friends had been yaoified! She realized that she had been too late to save her friends, but if she told Tsunade what was going on then maybe she could save everyone else. She quickly leapt over the rooftops of the village.

"Whaaaaat?!" Tsunade screeched, "She really made them gay?!"

"It appears so Tsunade-sama. I think that we should stop her before she goes after the civilians," Sakura explained.

"Come on! We've got to track down that crazy kunoichi!"

Just as Temari was about to pounce on a group of unsuspecting teenagers, Tsunade and Sakura appeared in front of her.

"The fuck!" she shouted, losing her balance in the bushes and falling on her face. "That's not cool!"

"What isn't cool is that you're trying to make our village die out! Change everyone back this second!" Tsunade said in a commanding voice.

"Well, actually, I feel like Naruto and Gaara could get pregnant because-"

"Change them back!"

"Fine!" she said irritably. Then she leapt off with Sakura and Tsunade right behind her.


"Why are we breaking into Gaara's hotel room?" asked Sakura.

"Because!" said Temari, obviously still upset that her fun had been ruined.

But once inside they saw an unexpected sight… Well, unexpected for Tsunade and Sakura. Gaara and Neji were in the bed, draped over each other. Naked.

"Oh my god, you paired Gaara with Neji!?" Sakura shouted.

"Well yeah, I totally ship it." Temari reasoned soundly.

The shout was enough to wake them both from their slumber, and they didn't look happy at all.

"Get out! Can't you see we're fucking busy in here?!" yelled the Kazekage.

Just one look told them that Neji agreed with the statement- but obviously they didn't listen.

"Look, we're here to change you back. Temari did some kind of fucked up jutsu on you and now she's going to reverse it," said Tsunade, annoyed at how he had spoken to her.

"I don't give a frick what you're doing just-" Gaara immediately went silent as Temari poked him on the shoulder.

"Gaara, what's-" and Neji never got to finish as Temari poked him on the shoulder.

"Good. Now let's go and change everyone else back, too," said Tsunade, as the three of them left the hotel.

Neji and Gaara just stared at each other with their mouths hanging open. Neji broke the silence.

"Soo… Do you want to go to a movie later?"


Next they came across Lee who was proclaiming his love to a squirrel.

"The jutsu didn't work properly on him. I don't really know what went wrong…" Temari said as explanation. She tapped him on the shoulder and they all ran away quickly.

"I am so sorry," he said to the squirrel with tears running down his face, "But my youthful love for you has faded! Please accept my youthful apology of youth, but we can be together youthfully no longer!"

He then ran away sobbing youthful tears. The squirrel stomped off sadly, ready to tell his other squirrel friends about his failed relationship.


The next two that they saw were Shino and Kiba. They were walking down the street holding hands and smiling at each other.

"Aw… Please don't make me change them back! Look how cute they are together!" Temari squealed.

"You have to. Now go on!" replied Tsunade.

Temari grumbled quietly as she tapped the both of them on the shoulder.

"What the heckie?" said Kiba as he remembered what the day had brought him. He then saw Hinata run past him, sobbing with her hands over her face.

"Wait Hinata! This isn't what it looks like!" And with that, he ran right after her down the street.

Shino was left standing there all alone.

"That was… really weird."


Shikamaru and Chouji were playing a game of shoji when Temari, Sakura, and Tsunade appeared.

"Can I help you?" Shikamaru said.

"We're just here to make sure you haven't been… I dunnoooo… In love or anything? Gay? Yaoi-fied?" asked Tsunade.

"Tch. Whatever you're talking about sounds troublesome. But no, we haven't experienced any of those things."

"But I did my jutsu on you guys! Why didn't it work?!" shouted Temari.

"Do you really think we would fall for such a lame jutsu? All you did was stab us in the side with your hand. Troublesome."

Temari walked off looking dejected, her jutsu had backfired on three people now! The other two were quick to follow.

"Chouji, what do you say to making out in the forest?" Shikamaru said with a grin.

Chouji looked just as eager.


They found Sasuke and Naruto still in the training grounds. The two were sealed together in a passionate lip-lock. Temari sighed and said,

"Here goes. The last two," and poked them both on the shoulder.

Nothing happened. The two were kissing with just as much vigor as before.

That was not quite what they were expecting.

"Hey! I told you to release the jutsu!" shouted Tsunade.

"But I did!" Temari replied, "I don't know why they're still kissing!"

"I think I do." said Sakura with raised eyebrows.

"Oh… Oh." Tsunade suddenly realized. "Well then, um, we should probably leave them to it."

Sakura and Temari agreed, Temari looking very pleased with herself.


The next day, Tsunade banned Temari from ever using that jutsu, or any similar jutsu, in her village ever again. But hey, there was still the sand village…

Gaara and Neji decided to start going out, Lee and the squirrel went to relationship counseling, Shino and Kiba were awkward around each other to the point of insanity, Hinata refused to speak to either of them, and Shikamaru and Chouji started a secret relationship.

Sasuke and Naruto had much fun together that night, admitted their undying love for each other, started going out, got married, had a baby, and lived happily ever after.


And that's how Sasunaru is going to happen. Yeah, mark my words.


It is done.