The evil behind two faces
"A taste of a life I never had" by Axel Nakayama.
The moment Cloud opened the door for Roxas and me, I knew he didn't like me. He gave me a very unfriendly look, making it clear he didn't want me there, but would accept it, as Roxas asked him. I figured Cloud was the 'big bro from hell', very protective over his brothers and fulfulling the parental role at the same time.
Roxas had warned me about what Cloud would be like and I was very thankful for the warning. If he hadn't warned me I would've waved our plans goodbye and ran back to my house, no matter how much I hated it there.
Those two weeks allowed me to forget most of what was going on at home. For me, it was a taste of the life I never had. Cloud warmed up to me pretty quickly, when he realised I wasn't rebellious, like he thought I was, and found Roxas apperantly acting more 'normal' than he used to.
I wasn't used to this whole 'happy family' thing, and was convinced I didn't deserve knowing what it was like to be in a family like this. I had never done anything to deserve anything that was this positive, and I couldn't comprehend why this was happening to me. I had the idea that I didn't suffer enough in those two weeks, so I tried to keep to myself, which appeared to be impossible if Sora's around. He made sure I didn't miss out on anything.
No matter how much I liked the taste of this life, I couldn't get rid of my habits. Old habits die hard, isn't that a saying? Well, mine were far from willing to die, or even stop for a moment. Yes, the cutting had gotten less for both Roxas and me, but quitting was something that might happen in a future far from today. I was very careful, trying to make sure Roxas didn't find out about them, which, of course, he did. In the end. It wasn't pretty.
Something else that I had to get used to was sleeping in the same room as Roxas. They didn't have a guest room, and Roxas somehow got on a bad note with Sora, so them sharing a room wasn't an option. Even though I slept with loads of different people, I never fell asleep beside them. The only person I had ever slept next to was Demyx, and he knew what to do when I was having a nightmare. Roxas didn't. Roxas didn't know that sometimes I'd wake up screaming, or barely managing to keep the scream inside. It was something I hated, hiding everything was easy when I'm awake, but apperantly it was very hard when I'm asleep.
What I, on my part, didn't know was that Roxas is a very light sleeper and wakes up to anything and everything. But, I have to say, Roxas handled it pretty well. I woke up screaming the first night, then managed to muffle the screams the next few nights. Of course, he woke up from it every single time. He had a funny habit of touching me with a single finger, almost poking me, before moving in to touch me, to see how I'd react. It was a wise thing to do, as my reactions were very varying. When I didn't flinch away from the touch, he knew it was safe to come closer and hold me, when I did flinch away from it he'd wait calmly for me to approach him, which could take quite some time, and then he'd hold me. It always ended with him muttering comforting things to me, while he held me and we both drifted off to sleep. Falling asleep like that was very comforting and peaceful, it made me feel wanted, a feeling I had never really had before.
With Christmas approaching, it was time to go gift shopping, another first on my part. Apperantly it was a tradition to go to a giant mall together, then split up, find small gifts and meet up at the local cafe. I had never been to this mall before, and the size kind of freaked me out. Roxas solved this by just dragging me from store to store, telling me what Sora and Cloud liked, and pretending to look away when I found something for him. I did the same when he found something for me, which made him chuckle. We made our way to the cafe within an hour of arriving, to find Cloud texting someone with a giant cup of coffee in front of him, and two rather big bags next to him. My bewildered look sent him into a fit of laughter, a very rare thing, I learned later. It took Sora another hour and a half to show up with five rather big bags. It made me feel bad about my one bag, which wasn't even that big...
Sooner than I expected it was Christmas, and when Roxas and I came downstairs after sleeping through the night in one try (a rare thing for both of us) we found Sora sitting near the Christmas tree, all ready to start unpacking. Soon after Cloud came downstairs as well, muttering nothing but "coffee" and disappearing into the kitchen. Fifteen minutes later he came back, still looking half asleep and after Sora complained about how long he'd been away, Cloud replied that you shouldn't drink good coffee too quickly. I laughed, Roxas smirked and Sora gave a frustrated sigh. Once the gifts were unpacked, they seemed happy with my gifts, which made me feel less bad about having only one bag.
The christmas dinner was simple, but very good. Cloud had spent most of the day in the kitchen, sometimes asking for help with this or that, and produced a three course dinner which was better than anything I had ever tasted.
Later that night, Roxas found out about my most recent cuts, the ones from while I was staying over. Just before I fell asleep, he somehow managed to take a look at my arm, see the cuts, sit up, turn on the light and just stare at my arms for five full minutes. When I felt tiny drops hitting said arms I felt worse than I had in a long time. I had noticed his arms were cut free from the moment I slept next to him, and he assumed I had done the same. The moment he looked me in the eyes my heart broke into a thousand little pieces. Those eyes said what he couldn't put in words: why? Why, oh, why? The hurt they exclaimed was incredible. He didn't say a word, just turned off the light and went to sleep on the other side of the bed.
I fell asleep after a long time, to wake up screaming about an hour later. I could've known nightmares would hit me that night, but I still went to sleep. I knew for sure Roxas woke up because of me, but he still didn't respond. When this scene repeated itself an hour later, and another time later in the night, I couldn't deal with Roxas ignoring me any longer. I really needed his comfort, his touch, his words, anything. I needed him. I crawled to his side of the bed and cuddled up against him, hoping he wouldn't refuse me. Thank god, he didn't. He turned around, and gave me the biggest hug ever. While muttering apologies on my part, and comforting words on his part, we fell asleep holding each other and slept peacefully for the rest of the night.
AN: Well, not the same day, but a day after. That's something, right?
I couldn't imagine Cloud laughing out loud like that, but I thought it would be funny to put in.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next one is also written by Cloud, like chapter 16.
The usual disclaimers and inspiration stories :).