As The Ship Turns

By: Esmerelda and The Jaded One (besties who wrote this NUT JOB Fanfic over email during the course of a day instead of doing our actual WORK!)

Please note: this is just fun, we know its silly, but its fun!

As The Ship Turns

Captain Kathryn Janeway shifted her gaze from her ready room window to the door as it chimed.

"Come in." she said.

Harry Kim entered her room and took the customary place in front of the desk. Janeway looked him full in the face and she could see the shame and embarrasment that passed over his features as he looked back at her. Eventually Captain Janeway won the battle of the stares and Harry looked down at his feet.

Janeway sighed. She hated giving disciplinary action, but knew that it was a necessary evil of her position as Captain of a starship.

"Ensign Kim, you've been called before me, Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager and Commander Chakotay for disciplinary action on the following incidents." Janeway paused and looked over her shoulder, where Harry finally noticed Chakotay had been lurking. He picked up a datapadd from the edge of Janeways desk and began reading.

"On Stardate 84727.4 you knowingly and willingly ate Leola Root stew for dinner and asked Neelix to make it again the following day.

On Stardate 84726.5 you willingly participated in the Hokey Pokey but it was NOT your left leg you put in…..

On Stardate 84725.3 you called Seven a BABE in Silver Sparkles repeatedly and over the Comm.

On Stardate 84724.7 you ran through the entire ship NAKED.

Mr Kim this cannot be allowed. You must be held accountable and you will. We hereby and forthwith give you the following punishment. For item 1 you are hereby denied access to Neelix. You may make no further requests regarding the items that are served from the mess hall, and you are to maintain a 2 metre radius from his person at all times. If you are observed to have breached the 2 metre radius, then the punishment shall be 2 weeks in the brig with only those weird green pastries from poker night on Friday to eat. For item 2 you are hereby banned from dancing, singing, playing any musical instruments, or in general saying anything more than yes or no until Captain Janeway states otherwise. For item 3 you must make a formal apology to Seven in front of the entire crew, stating in a clear voice the exact words you used to describe her. We expect this apology to take place in exactly 1 hour after this interview and it will be recorded and played every hour over the comm for the next week regardless of time and for the enjoyment of the rest of the crew. And finally, for the 4th item, you will be required to wear a burkha, 24 hours a day until such time that Captain Janeway feels you are sufficiently remorseful for your actions. How plead you?"

Harry thought carefully before he answered. These were serious charges and he knew that in order to maintain his dignity he had to be as honest and forthcoming as possible.

He took a deep breath and spoke " Captain, Commander.. Firstly, I'd like to apologise for my heretofore mentioned actions, there were extenuating circumstances, which I will outline in a few moments, but I must indeed plead guilty. As to Charge 1, I did eat Leola Root stew willingly and asked for more, but you see, it was all for the love of a HOT woman, and a dare put forth by one Lieutenant Paris. I was stupid and it won't happen again, but I must say, I LOOOVE those green pastries and would love to eat them every tnight.. it ROCKS.. thanks dudes… I mean Ma'am, Sir.

Charge 2, what can I say but OOPS… hey, Seven was there and I was trying to get her attention, so to speak, and I didn't really think about the effect it would have on others. I am truly sorry and I shall cease and desist from dancing, singing or playing musical instruments til you say Ma'am.

Charge 3, I didn't actually call her a Babe in Silver Sparkles, I did in fact call her a Hot Babe in a Sexy Silver Sparkly Skinsuit! And you have to admit, its true, have you seen her… um.. (gesturing wildly)… anyway… I did say it and repeat it I shall, for your enjoyment and the fact that I get to call her that repeatedly.. man oh man.. thast awesome..

Charge 4… I plead not guilty, it was not the ENTIRE shipt I ran through naked, just the bridge, commissary, holodeck, astrometricts and engineering… and I was trying to find Seven who STOLE MY CLOTHES! All of them.

All in all, I say you blame Paris and Torres for it all cos I don't wanna be blamed.. but would love to have some of the punishments."

Harry had been staring at the wall while pleading his case, but at the end of his recital he turned his eyes back to Janeway and Chakotay. Janeway was in fully surprised, open-mouthed, drooling shock, while Chakotay was rolling around on the floor in fits of laughter. There was a suspicious wet patch on the carpet where he had been previously standing.

Janeway was the first to recover her wits. She wiped the dribble off her chin and straightened up in her chair. Chakotay got to his feet and made an attempt to stand on the wet patch so Janeway wouldn't noticed he'd piddled in her ready room.

"Well, Ensign Kim. We'll take those pleas under consideration. Please wait in your quarters until Chakotay or I call you."

As Harry turned on his heel to exit the ready room, Janeway stopped him, "Mr Kim, how many times do I have to tell you that I am royalty on this ship. Do not turn your back on me!"

Harry sheepishly turned backed, resumed his original position, and then took three steps backwards, bowing on each one, until he ran bum-first into the door. It swooshed open and he fell out onto the command deck on his butt. The doors swished closed on his surprised face.

"So, Chakotay, what do we do with the accomplices in this debacle?"

"Well, first, nice one on the Queen of the Ship your Highness! Totally sweet!.. As to Tom and B'Elanna… well, first, we remove there plungers (if one remembers the plungers with tongues joke), 2, we make B'Elanna participate in regular bouts of Captain Proton with Tom as her punishment, and he must take regular Batlith lessons. Tom… actually, can that.. I say we let them get off scott free. It made things amusing here and…. Got Mr Perfect Harry Kim in trouble and up to no good. Lets face it, that boy seriously needed that poker taken outta his butt, so I say, good on them. Oh, we could also make Harry courtsy and call you Your Highness at all times. Oh, we could make Tom and B'Elanna throw us a cool party?"

"Make it so Commander, and whilst your at it.. perhaps you could clean up that puddle of piddle you made on the floor. I mean, I know he was funny, but that's just taking the piss…. All puns intended". Chakotay looked at her in horrified fear. He couldn't believe she saw what he did.. although that huge wet patch in his uniform kinda gave it away. He bowed, kissed her hand and left the room backwards, at which stage Action Kate promptly fell on the floor laughing, doing her best to avoid the wet patch!... Sometimes she loved her job!

Chakotay sidled up the side of the consoles pretending to observe things on the screen so that no one on the bridge would notice his wet pants. He had almost made it to the doors when they swooshed open and Tuvok and B'Elanna rushed onto the bridge. Tuvok ran into Chakotay and apologised immediately. Torres screwed up her face, (if you could screw up a part-klingon face any further) and said, "What is that damn awful smell. It's smells like a Klingon orgy in here."

Chakotay, looking horrified, made a dash for the exit.

"What's up with him?" asked B'Elanna.

"I'm not sure," replied Tuvok, "but it must be important."

B'Elanna didn't understand him, so she shrugged her shoulders and made a dash to Janeways ready room before Tuvok could get there. Tuvok, already knowing what was in her mind, executed an impressive display of cartwheels and a double flip over the rail to arrive at the door scant seconds before Torres. B'Elanna scowled at him and put a well-aimed punch in his solar plexus. As Tuvok was bending over with his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath and pretend like he wasn't crying, Torres pressed Janeways doorbell. The melodius tune of God Save the Queen crossed the bridge, causing most of the crew on shift to smile, and not too few to giggle like schoolgirls.

"Come," said the authoritative voice of the Captain.

B'Elanna almost fell through the door with Tuvok as he made for a rugby tackle to her knees before she could say anything. Landing in a tangled heap, they both started talking at once.

"Captain, I think that you should…"

"Ma'am, there is no need to listen to this drivvel….."

"Both of you stop behaving like gorillas in my royal presence and stand up. I will not be disrespected!"

B'Elanna and Tuvok stood up simultaneously and stared at the back wall. Janeway was standing in profile to them, but at the split second that Torres screwed up her nose for the second time in as many minutes, Janeways head snapped around and she demanded an explanation of the Klingon womans facial expression.

"Well, uh, it's just that…ummmm, we just passed Chakotay trying to get off the bridge in a hurry and I noticed a bad smell on the bridge. I'd just like to say that your ready room also smells like a Klingon orgy, that's been going on for quite a few days, I'd like to add."

Janeway gave Torres an icy stare and shifted her gaze to Tuvok. Taking a deep breath, she spoke "Tuvy…. Honey… GET LOST! This is secret women's business! Next time my Queen in waiting Princess Torres wishes to speak to me, you are under orders to allow her. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" The sheer force of her voice had Tuvok quaiking in his boots.

"Yes ma'am"… and he backed out the door looking suspiciously like he had pee'd his pants also.

Snickering, B'Elanna turned to Janeway "So, ma'am, this smell….?"

"Chakotay! I think he pee'd his pants laughing at Harry. Harry was making excuses for his actions of late and it was so funny Chakotay ended up on the floor, but not before he pee'd himself. I have to say, we should really find a way to annihilate all the Leola Root Neelix has. Cos that stuff STINKS on the way out. You should smell my bathroom this morning.. no really, feel free to pop your head in for a good old wiff!".

"Um, thanks for the oh so kind offer, but I'll pass thanks! So, did Hazza try and blame Tom and I?" B'Elanna was still trying not to gag at the putrescence emanating from the office. She HAD to find a way to destroy the Leola Root.. or Neelix, one or the other.

Janeway looked at her and silently agreed. It WAS nauseatingly stinky in here. "Let's move onto the bridge and see what Tom has run us into today?"

Linking her arm with B'Elanna they skipped onto the bridge, where an impromptu game of volleyball using the flight control console as a middle line was in full swing. Tom Paris was just about to make a lightning fast serve when Janeway and B'Elanna appeared. In his haste to get his booty back in his seat he forgot to catch the volleyball that he had already chucked in the air. With a resounding thump and an echo the ball hit him fair on his gigantic noggin.

"Oh, mother….fu…..fuchia!" he exclaimed as he rubbed his pounding head.

"Totally unacceptable Mr Paris! screeched Janeway. "You've been a very naughty boy. Go straight to my room."

Tom looked at B'Elanna with surprise and a look that said, "I thought you said you'd told her about us."

B'Elanna looked back at him and scowled. She knew Kathryn had a bit of a thing for Tom since they had slug sex, and she had been waiting for the right moment to tell her about their relationship.

Tom slowly crossed the bridge and as the ready room door swooshed open he physically recoiled and saw his one chance to get out of this situation.

"I'm sorry Captain, but I can't perform with that smell coming outta there."

Janeway calmed down a bit as she realised the just accusation of the stench emanating from her room. "It's OK Mr Paris. Let's call a raincheck, shall we," she purred.

Tom's only thought was Eiuwwwww, to the room and sex with Janeway… Sooo not happening. With a huge sigh of relief he ran back to his consol and started madly pretending to tap bits of screen to make it look like he was actually doing something.. he was certain there was a PacMan game there. Or Tetris, either would do.

Suddenly, a loud screech was heard throughout the ship as Seven flew onto the bridge…. "That's Disgusting. I am fairly certain that the Borg Queen would have eradicated the entire ship just on the strength of the smell of that transport. Commander Chakotay stepped out and when I was in there the smell was overwhelmingly repugnant. Captain my Queen, permission to eject the Commander into space.. or at the very least, can I put him in a high pressure bath and remove the first few layers of skin from him, in the hope he may not smell so bad. Freaking Leola Root! Whilst I'm at it Madam, may I please evacuate all the Leola Root from the ship, this has become impossible to live with. Every day after we've been forced to eat it the ship smells like a million skunks sprayed in a room after a Klingon Orgy!" Suddenly she stopped, sat down and cried.

The bridge went silent at this unusual display from Ten out of Ten. Their attention was drawn away from her at that moment when Harry Kim decided to reappear on the bridge. He'd gotten bored with his own company, so he started replicating the items he would need to fulfill his sentencing requirements from earlier in the day. In a full length lemon yellow burkha, complete with veil and little spangly bits, he made his grand entrance back onto the bridge. At seeing Seven of Nine on the stairs, he cleared his throat and stated in a loud voice so all crew members could hear, "Seven of Nine. I am sorry that I called you a Hot Babe in a Sexy Silver Sparkly Skinsuit over the comms. It was very sexist of me. I humbly ask for your forgiveness."

Seven looked up from her crying in surprise. "Oh Ensign Kim, I thought it was lovely what you said to me. I wasn't offended at all."

Harry looked at Janeway with a smug, "Gotch ya" look. Janeway glared back and Harry wilted. "Ensign Kim," she said coldly, "you were given express demands that you were only allowed to say yes and no until authorised to do otherwise by me. You were also to wait until called to make this formal apology. You will have to do it again now because I hadn't pressed 'record' on the comms system."

"Excuse me Captain," interrupted Tuvok, "but I pressed record on the comms system when Ensign Kim entered the bridge in his multi-national dress."

"Oh, is that right Tuvy? Well now that's all just peachy isn't it." Janeways blood pressure was beginning to rise and an explosion was imminent when Neelix came on the scene. Without noticing any of the tension in the room, he bowled up to Captain Janeway, stood on tiptoe and planted a big mooshy kiss on her….kneecap.

"Captain, thank you."

Janeway, looking somewhat surprised said, "What for?"

"For getting Ensign Kim away from me. He's been following me around since the poker game the other night, hassling me about making those Creolian Spice Puffs." Neelix grinned at Janeway, got down on one knee, kissed Janeway's hand and shouted, "All hail Queen Kathryn."

Kathryn blushed and very prettily thanked Neelix for his devotion. Looking around the bridge her gaze again fell on Harry Kim and her expression hardened. "Mr Kim, you are less than 2 metres away from Mr Neelix. That's a violation of your punishment. To the brig!"

Chakotay chose this moment to re-enter the bridge in a clean uniform. Janeway glared at him.

"Captain, I think we may need to resolve a few outstanding issues that have evolved from Mr Kim's antics."

Janeway looking much like a beetroot that is about to burst, suddenly saw the sense in Chakotay's words and ordered most of the crew to her ready room, which had thankfully been on the automated cleaning program for the better part of an hour and no longer stunk like leola root puke.

So, the crew filed in behind her. Chakotay in his clean duds, Tom looking nervous, B'Elanna still attached to Janeways arm, Neelix looking stupid, Tuvok looking Vulcan, Seven of Nine looking sexy and lastly Harry in his burkha.

Janeway sat in her oversized chair that was obviously comensating for something and looked at each crew member. Starting with Harry Kim she demanded that he at once went to her room and replicated himself a proper uniform. Harry disappeared from view and Janeway turned her attention to Neelix.

"Mr Neelix, I'm not sure you're needed here, please bugger off."

"Commander, I'm glad that you are all spruced up and clean again." Chakotay blushed.

"Lieutenants Paris and Torres, for your part in the activities of Harry Kim in the past few weeks, the following punishment is applicable. Mr Paris must, at a minimum once a week, engage in Batlith battles with Lieutentant Torres. B'Elanna, I can't punish you, you're just too cute, not to mention next in line to the succession. There's no way I'd risk you, so you're off scot free." Tom started to object, but at a blistering look from Captain Janeway he quickly shut up.

"Mr Tuvok, like Mr Neelix, I have no idea why you're in here. Get lost!"

As Tuvok left, Harry returned to the ready room in a correct Starfleet uniform albeit in lemon yellow.

Janeway sighed. "Mr Kim, what am I to do with you?" She rubbed her temples and swatted away Chakotay's hand when he attempted to help her in that process.

"I have new punishments for you Mr Kim. Firstly, I won't be throwing you in the brig for being in violation of the 2 metres from Neelix ruling. I hereby decreee that you annoy Neelix as much as you want. Did you see that little crawler before? Sucking up to me like I did it all to save his skin! B'ah! Secondly, the burkha thing is out. You look ridiculous at the best of times, it's not like you need any extra assistance. Thirdly, it would appear that Seven wasn't offended by your sexy comments." At this Janeway looked to Seven for confirmation. She nodded her head and looked dreamily at Harry.

Janeway continued, "Therefore, the public apology you made earlier on the bridge will suffice and the recording will be deleted off the record. We won't be playing it over and over and over and over and over again to embarrass you. I also decree that you are allowed to speak freely and are allowed to resume your dancing and musical arts, or whatever it is you call that atrocious noise every evening emanating from your quarters." I think that takes care of everything, doesn't it? You're all free to leave"

No one dared argue with Janeway, so one-by-one they began filing out.

Once the room was again shrouded in silence, Janeway smiled, an evil smile that showed her true Galactically Ruling Dominance. It was good to be Queen!