********Here it goes…..
I went by your office today to look for your medical license, and when I went through your desk drawers I came across a letter that you had written about me.
I didn't mean to read it. It was just impossible to put down.
I know that you will be too angry to hear me out. But I need you to know how I feel.
Please, please, give me a chance.
Greg I am sorry.
When I read that letter today a rush of emotions overtook me so hard that I had to leave work. I had to drive and get away and stay away.
The thought that I could have made another human being feel that way. The thought that I made you feel that way. That I hurt you. So much.
Greg, I am so sorry. I should have been there for you. I should have come to Mayfield. I should have been waiting when you came back. Damn it House, after so many years of wanting you….I let you go right at the very end. Right when you needed me.
I was scared. I was terrified and stubborn and stupid. You were so cruel to me on that night in my office. You always knew how to hurt me the most, and poor Rachel was your constant target. And the next day, the smirking, the public humiliation….I didn't know how sick you were House, I just thought…that you were hurting me, punishing me, I didn't know.
I tried so hard with you. When I lost Joy, you came to me…I thought we had something. I tried , and you pushed me away. You never wanted to start something, to be serious. I always felt such hope, and then you would crush it.
When Wilson told me how serious your hallucinations had been. When he told me about me, about us. House I was frightened. I was scared that you had lost your mind. That you would be gone, to me. I just, I couldn't bear to lose you…so I just acted like I had never had you.
It wasn't easy. I closed myself off. I had Rachel, the hospital; it's easy to lose yourself when you have to. You've been there.
Lucas….I needed an investigator. When he showed up, I was so alone, so stressed and tired and overworked and alone. It was easy. He is so light, and easy and flexible. He wanted me, he wanted Rachel, and he made it work. And I just went along with it. I had been so submerged in my career and my desire for motherhood for so long. I can't remember the last time someone took care of me, my needs, my wants.
I should have never told him about you; your hallucinations, your stay at Mayfield. I am sorry; I know you will never forgive me. I was alone, I needed to talk to someone, I never thought he would act the way he did. He was jealous, and afraid; he knows there is something between us that he will never be able to understand.
When you came back, I knew I should have told you, told Wilson; somehow let it be known that I was involved. Yes, it's true, I with-held it, you did seem fragile, and it seemed so absurdly presumptuous and cold for me to drop that in your lap. By the time I realized that you had come back with strong feelings for me, I was too afraid to tell you, too much time had gone by, and…I was afraid to open my heart up to you again.
At the convention. Jesus House, I never thought that you would be there. I never imagined I would find you at that party, in that costume, waiting for me. What was I supposed to do? You asked me to dance, it was a fast song, I said yes. Then it turned slow, and I was in your arms. I should have told you, but I couldn't. God, I melted into your arms, into your eyes, into remembering that one night we spent together. I hadn't been touched, or spoken to like that, by you, in years. No fighting, no sarcasm, only us together. I didn't want it to end. I wanted to stay in your arms forever.
The next morning, with Rachel. I lied. I….I never considered how my actions would hurt you. It's not that I didn't trust you with Rachel; I never thought you would have the interest. I called Lucas to help me, not to hurt you. I am so sorry.
I'm sorry about so many things.
Your leg. I never said I was sorry because I never wanted to admit my role in that. As a doctor, I did no wrong; I saved your life dam it, and was pushed into a legal corner by Stacy. Oh House, I did know that you would never agree to that procedure, you are stubborn to the end, but I would not let an infraction kill you. There is no way that I would have stood by and watched you die, and you would have. You know that and I know that. I am sorry, that you are in constant pain. I am sorry that you feel that I went against your wishes. I have never been sorry, that I chose a procedure that saved your life.
House, you are brilliant to me, to me and to everyone that meets you. In Michigan you were…larger than life…a genius, a mad scientist, an athlete, a god. I never thought, any less than that. When you found me here, I was so happy to have you back, to have you….consider me. You were difficult, are difficult. I always knew that. I didn't realize you felt humiliated by my behavior. I didn't even know you were capable of that. I feel privileged every day to have you here working for me. I should have let you know that. I am sorry that as an employer I made you feel anything less than that.
Greg, your leg, your pain, your addiction is so complicated. Your pain exacerbated your arrogance, your anger your aloofness. When Stacy left, you plummeted to such a dangerous level of self destruction, it was frightening. The only way I knew how to deal with it, was by building walls, and playing games.
For twenty years I have been attracted to you. Your immeasurable genius, you acerbic sense of humor, the rare sweetness you try so hard to hide. I have always been attracted to you. And once Stacy left, and I saw an opening…. I tried so hard to not fall in love.
You and I have never been at the same place in our lives. When I wanted you, you left Michigan, then you came back to me years later and you had Stacy, then the drug addiction and five long years of toying with me. Well, now maybe you feel ready, but I have a child….and Lucas.
Did we miss our window? I just don't know House. We had five years. So many opportunities, before Rachel, before Lucas, before your breakdown, before all this resentment. Five long years.
Maybe you didn't know I wanted you. You say you were angry, scared. I was scared too. To love someone like you is frightening. You have a strong self-preservation instinct, and you push people away to save yourself. You pushed me away, for so long. What was I supposed to do? Give up my dreams of motherhood? Remain single in hopes that you would eventually realize that you wanted me?
I'm with someone now. Do I love him, I'm not sure. I thought I did, until you came back in my life. It took one minute of looking up into your eyes for all the feelings I tried so hard to hide to come rushing back to me.
Do I love you? Yes. Yes of course I love you. I have loved you for twenty years.
I don't want it to be too late.
I don't know if it is.
All I know is that I'm sorry that I've hurt you, and that I love you.