Haven't really got anything to say this time… Except maybe the plot is starting to crumble. Time for the literary super-glue…

Chapter 4
Inner Conflicts
Nami's P.O.V.

I shivered beneath my blanket, checking the log pose again in my paranoia. I had always hated night watch – the monotony, the boredom, the cold. Except now it was even worse, because in the dark, on my own was the perfect time to think and thinking was a dangerous thing nowadays. It was all his fault. He had told me how much he cared about me and then gone about life as normal, as if our conversation that night had never even happened. All be it after having normal explained to him.

He had just waltzed up to and opened the door I had locked my feelings for him behind, leaving them to tumble out and rebound around my head. I had been attracted to him the moment I saw him – what girl wouldn't be? Those muscles, the chiseled face and the dark, mysterious expression it often wore, not to mention the confidence and power which seemed to radiate from him. I guess even the green hair had its own appeal and after a time, lust grew into affection. I loved the way he would go out of his way to protect me, even though it would earn him unnecessary wounds, either from his opponent or Sanji. I thought back to Arabasta, the only other time I'd acknowledged the way I felt about him. Seeing him almost sliced apart by Mr.1, I'd thought I had lost him and yet he still found the strength and energy to carry me through the city after minimal whining on my part. It wasn't because it pained me to walk, it was because I had needed to feel close to him, checking we were both really still there and alive. But still, feeling his muscles moving beneath me, his smell intoxicating as I buried my head in his neck, I had let myself lust over what it would be like to cling to him in a very different way. That night after the feast, I wanted nothing more to follow my the direction my heart was calling me in and climb into his bed with him, but I knew I couldn't.

But saying it like that made it sound like I just wanted him for sex, and that wasn't it. See, my inner voice chided me, you've just gone and confused yourself all over again. I guess I had always just wanted to know he cared, but I needed to stop with this. I was going to drive myself insane if I kept following this train of thought. I had two options – shut the door again and ductape over the lock or talk to him about it. Logic told me to chose the first, it would be easiest for everyone, but there was still that part of me which dared to dream of me and him together, and I knew that this was the part of me I would inevitably listen to. Now I just needed to work out what the hell I was actually going to say or do. Leaving it a day or two to come up with a plan wouldn't hurt.

I returned to my stargazing, distracting myself by finding shapes and patterns between the shining light.
A bird.
Some trees.
A couple holding hands.
Wait, a couple? I gave an exasperated sigh. This was hopeless. So absorbed was I in my self-reprimanding I didn't notice somebody walk out onto the deck below me.
"Oi, Nami?" Called out a deep voice, resonating straight to my heart, "Are you keeping watch or what?"
"Of course I'm keeping watch, baka. I just didn't do anything because I knew it was you," I lied over the edge of the tub.
"Sure," was the sarcastic reply I received. I watched with more than mild curiosity as he put aside his weights and climbed up the mast, before dropping down besides me, "We need to talk," he said. His mood had changed so dramatically in the last few seconds from his usual arrogant front to the thoughtful man I had seen the night he had regained consciousness.
"Everything about you is confusing me. The only way we really seem to communicate is through orders, arguments and criticisms but when we do it's like your body and eyes are telling me something different to your voice. You whinge and moan and sure, it annoys me, but it should annoy me so much more and then there's the way you always look so…" He waved his hand vaguely in the air, as though trying to conjure up the word he was looking for, "Ah, I dunno. Kind of like you want it to be me who answer all of your pleads and solves all your problems. Now tell me, am I seeing what I want to see or is that really the way things are?"
He looked up, his gaze locking forcibly with mine, his eyes hiding a plea he wouldn't put into words. I lowered my gaze to my lap, unsure, only to have strong finges clamp on my chin an draw my face back level with his. He looked angry but for such a short amount of time I had to wonder if it was something my mind had made up, before his features softened apologetically and the hand losened its grip. A thumb traced lightly across my jaw before dropping away completely.
"I need an answer Nami. I can't remember how to ignore you anymore."

His face, his smell, those eyes, so much to take in that I didn't know how to look away. He wasn't asking if I wanted him to help me all the time, he was asking if his feelings were requited. Yes! I wanted to say. So badly. I wanted to know what it felt like to care and be cared about, to feel what it would be like to know he was always going to be there for me, whenever and wherever. To see him smile at me and actually let that warm fuzziness spread through me. But for somehow these reason still couldn't shut up that logical little bitch inside of me. What will happen to the crew if it all goes wrong? Will you still be able to work together? Luffy won't stand to lose either of you. And Sanji. So what you don't want him as a lover, you still love him, and that would be like sticking a dagger through his heart. He's a git for asking you this, after all, if you say 'no' it will probably drive you apart too.

SHUT UP! I yelled back at her.I chewed my lip and I knew the battle was showing in my eyes. I heard my companion give a short, understanding sigh. He lifted his hand again, this time bringing it to rest gently on my chest, above my heart. He looked down to his hand, relieving the pressure of his stare.

"What is this saying?" He asked, his voice so low and soft it was barely audible. I couldn't lie to him. Not now. I would be lying to myself, too, but words wouldn't cover all the things I wanted to tell him. Instead I laced my fingers through his, bringing his hand to my lips for a short moment. Such a small gesture I hoped would convey so much – that yes, yes from the bottom of my heart, but my heart wasn't the only thing controlling me. I could only hope this would enough for him, for now at least.

To be continued...