91Disclaimer: I do not own The Legend of Zelda, unfortunately.
A/N: GUESS WHO TURNS 2 TOMORROW? ;W; THAT'S RIGHT, TOVIA~! ...and, well, this whole story, actually... I don't really have anything special for it other than another chapter, but that's only because Skyward Sword is out tomorrow, so go celebrate with that and if you don't have it yet, wellllp... You're kinda screwed.
Link grabbed Epona's reins and led her along behind them as they trod along on foot. "This is your first time in Tovia's body, right?"
Tovia's face looked at him incredulously. "You kidding me? Whether you mean taking over or generally being here, the answer's a big fat 'no'."
"Oh! Right... I forgot about the desert. I wasn't really there, so Lois had had to fill me in."
"Besides that, I've taken him over loads. When you were around, even. I've been me... let's see." He counted off his fingers. "Kakariko, but you weren't really there... I've snuck off a bunch. Uh, there was the Lost Woods, and then the Temple of Time -"
"You mean to tell me that you've been pretending to be Tovia?" Link let go of Epona's reins. "Is there even a Tovia to begin with or is that just a big cover?"
Tovia let out a sharp laugh. "That's a good one. Philosophical. No, don't be so dramatic. I only pretended to be him once. And that was Lois's idea."
Link glared up at the sky. "She's insane, isn't she? Goddesses, why do I know so many insane people?"
"You're one to talk," he snorted.
"More insane than me," the Hero amended. "Walk a little faster. I'm going to trip over you."
Instantly, his eyes narrowed, but he didn't say anything about the matter as his pace increased. Instead, he looked over to the green-garbed Hylian. "You know, you're a jerk."
"What?" Link matched his pace.
"Just generally. I've died three times, you know, and each time it was your fault." Quickly, he added, "Well, I guess you kind of had to, seeing as how I was trying to take over the world. But you don't have to be such a douche about it."
"I never did anything to you. Va... Vaati? Your name's Vaati, right? Vaati, this is my first time actually meeting you."
He shook his head. "You're the same every time. Even your clothes. Look at you!" Tovia's arm motioned up and down the hero's height. "You've never changed except for your pixelation."
"What? What the hell are you going on about?"
"Reincarnation. You do know you're the legendary Hero, right? Well, you're always reborn, like, apparently, I was supposed to be." He looked away in thought. "Or maybe I did. Was that me? Can't be. From a theistic-" He shook his head. "That's not the point. My point is that you always have the same personality."
Link nodded slowly. "Reincarnation? It's not too far fetched... So I had to stop you before how many times?"
"Three." He held up three fingers in case Link had forgotten the meaning of the word. "Can't remember the exact details, not when I try. But I was trying to take over Hyrule and you killed me. Well," he corrected, "not really. Twice you just sealed me in a sword. But the third time you killed me."
"You have to do what you have to do. I'd apologize but you said it yourself, you're an evil bastard."
He rolled his eyes. "Well, duh." He furrowed his eyebrows. "By the way, you're much more talkative than usual."
"I haven't had human contact for a bit. Give me a few minutes, I'll start to quiet down."
"I don't mean now, I mean usually. Your whole life. In the years B.T., I never heard more than three words come out of your mouth." He paused. "Honestly, I thought you were mute."
"Me? Mute? No... I just don't like to talk a lot."
"B.T. means 'before Tovia'. I was talking about your past lives."
"I wouldn't know. Maybe I was mute before."
Tovia heaved a sigh. "Never mind. There's no use talking to you about it."
Link gestured to a statue. "Well, at least we found the next character. Slow down a bit, I need to get out the Dominion Rod."
Tovia complied (not that he'd had much choice in the matter) and crossed his arms, thinking that while it was a cool enough nickname, the girls probably wouldn't go for it.
Link waved the rod at the statue and a green ball of light flew to it, then fit into its hole perfectly. Link stepped forward, and that statue followed. "Go get me the character." He tossed a book at Tovia's body. Surprised, he caught it, and looked around.
What confused him the most then was something that, though the revelation was nearly pointless, shed some light on the nature of Vaati's predicament. The fact was that he himself had no idea what the 'character' was or where he might find it, yet in spite of this, he found himself walking forward and peering into the crevice in which the statue had been resting. Inscribed on that, he found upon inspection, was the 'character' they were looking for. "Huh," he said, looking it over. Only a few short moments after that, his body made the trip back to Link, scribbling into the journal.
"Did you write it down?" Link asked.
"Yeah." He handed the book over, an almost entirely lost expression on his face.
"Thanks." Link took out his map. "I think I got them all. Ready to go back to Kakariko? I have to give them to Shad."
He grimaced. "We have to go back already?"
"You could stay out. I'd rather you didn't, though."
"I just... don't want to be around Lois."
"You don't have to be around Lois?"
Tovia eyed Link. "You don't even know what I'm talking about," he stated.
"I don't. Why don't you want to be around her?"
"We got into a fight."
"About...?"
He let out a breath. "Her." He shrugged. "It doesn't matter."
Link patted his back lightly. "Come on, we're done. Let's just get back and relax."
Tovia nodded, then, with a second of surprise and an odd, twisted expression, he stumbled, and his arms reached out for support. "Whoa," he said.
"Are you okay?" Link steadied him.
"That was fast..." Tovia rubbed the back of his neck."We were stuck like that for a while."
Link eyed him. "Stuck like what?"
"Vaati and I couldn't switch back."
"So this is Tovia I'm talking to?"
He nodded.
"You two are going to drive me insane." Link sighed. "You can ride Epona with me," he offered as he mounted her.
"I still feel weird, though..." Tovia frowned.
Link helped him up onto the horse. "Feel weird?"
"Yeah... I don't feel so uptight." Tovia shook his head. "I just feel like I don't have to worry so much. I think Lois might have done something."
"Lois? Why do you two keep mentioning Lois?"
"It's a long story..." Tovia closed his eyes, thinking back. "She told Vaati not to be so dramatic... I'm not dramatic, though."
Link held his tongue. "Er..."
"I'm dramatic?"
"Well..."
"Link, please tell me if I'm being dramatic or not."
"You're not being dramatic at the moment... Otherwise I would have gotten a mouthful. Let me test something." Link stopped Epona and glanced at Tovia. "You're gay."
"No I'm not," he corrected, an eyebrow raised.
"Yeah, you're not being dramatic."
Tovia shrugged. "Is that a big problem?"
"It's part of who you are. It's like if someone made you evil. You just wouldn't be Tovia anymore..."
"Can you order me to be dramatic?"
"Order you to be dramatic?" Link echoed, confused.
"Again, it's a long story."
"Um... okay, I guess." Link straightened up. "Tovia, I order you to be dramatic...?"
"Try something?"
"You're gay."
"No I'm not! Stop saying I'm gay! I'm not gay! Why does everyone even think that?" Tovia pouted.
Link laughed. "Maybe you're bisexual and we're all wrong."
Tovia glared. "Now you're sounding like Vaati."
"You're one to talk."
"See! Just like Vaati!" A look of horror passed his face. "Oh Din, I was being nice to Vaati."
"Isn't that a good thing?" Link asked. "I mean, he's not a good guy. Maybe if you two were nicer to each other, things would be better for you."
"You're not helping, Link." Tovia groaned. "I can't believe I was nice to him!"
"How does not being dramatic make you nice to someone you hate?"
"I don't get it either."
Lois poked Shad. "What the fuck's that?"
Shad looked over the monstrous device.
"I think it's a cannon," Link commented.
"Yes," said Shad. "That's what it is. But why is it here?"
His remark went ignored. "Another cannon?" Tovia cringed.
"Yeah, but it's broken."
"That doesn't mean it's not a cannon."
Lois rapped on the side of the stone contraption. "How the fuck are we fucking going to fucking get it fucking fixed?"
The room fell silent for a few minutes.
"...Didn't the guy at Lake Hylia say he fixed cannons?" Tovia asked quietly.
"He did..."
"How are we going to get it all the way over there?"
Lois' eyes swept to Link's shadow. "Shad, fucking kindly get the fucking fuck out?"
Shad looked at her. "What? Why? This is perhaps the best thing that has ever happened to me - er, humanity! I just - I mean, we just made the biggest discovery in the legend of the sky beings!"
"Shad, you seriously need to get laid." Lois tutted. "When this is all done, I'm finding you and Tovia a nice man. Maybe each other."
"For the last damn time, I am not gay!"
"I must see this," Shad insisted. "I must analyze it. How old is it? How did it come to be here? Perhaps Renado can help me!" He turned for the door. "Don't you go anywhere, you should be here to see this." He grinned at them, then left for Renado.
Lois glanced at Link. "So, we ditching him?"
"I don't know... I feel kind of bad. He's been at this for years and now his dreams are coming true. But we really need to save the realms, so... Midna?"
The imp flew out of his shadow. "I'm on it." Her hair curled open like a giant palm and her fists clenched as she gritted her teeth. The cannon slowly lifted up and broke into pieces up into a portal, the rest of the group shortly following.
A few minutes later, Shad re-entered eagerly, followed by a stoic Renado, to find a huge, empty room. A few paces into it, he stopped dead in his tracks, staring openmouthed at the vastly empty space. "What..." he breathed, his eyes stretched wide.
"So Fyer said that we've got four days to just kick back and fucking relax before that damn piece of shit is fixed," Lois yawned.
Tovia ran a hand along the rusty cannon. "It doesn't look that bad... It can be fixed."
"Are you fucking feeling that fucking damn fucking cannon up?" She watched him from the ground, snickering.
"W-What? Lois..." Tovia shook his head.
"Just kidding, Tovs." She turned her head away from him. "Although it'd be fucking hilarious to fucking see you fucking actually feel a fucking cannon up... Or fucking Link..."
"I'm not gay!"
Lois snorted. "Tovs, don't fucking get me started."
"Shut up, Lois."
She grinned. "Your moron is fucking showing again. Tovs, you're really in no fucking position to be a fucking asshole towards me at the fucking moment. Remember what I can fucking do?"
Tovia turned away from her. "Remember what I can do?" he muttered under his breath so she wouldn't hear him that well.
"What was that?"
"I said, 'You wouldn't do anything to me because we're best friends.'" he lied smoothly. Tovia turned back to face her and smiled. "Right?"
"Yeah right. What a fucking load of shit." she laughed in Tovia's face.
He sighed. "Lois, forget it. You're just pissing me off."
Lois rolled her eyes.
"Goddesses, Lois. I thought you liked me..."
"This again?" she growled.
"Yes 'this again'! You said you loved me, Lois. Did you actually mean it?"
"That isn't any of your fucking business!"
"It isn't any of my business? I'm the one you said you loved! How the hell is it not my business? That doesn't make any sense, Lois! Just tell me!"
"Get lost, Tovia!" she shouted with finality, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
He gritted his teeth. "Fine!" Tovia ignored the fact that his feet were moving by themselves and stomped from her sight.
"Good riddance, asshole!"
Link strode toward her, watching the blonde leave. "Lois, where's Tovia going?" he asked.
"Who fucking knows, who fucking cares?"
He took a glance at her angered face before sighing. "You guys got into a fight again?"
She glared at him. "Shut up, Link. It isn't your business." Lois turned on her heel and sauntered away from him.
He raised his eyebrows, then shook his head and silently wished Tovia luck.
"Can you believe her?" Tovia's voice echoed in... somewhere. He didn't really know where he was. All he knew was that he was lost and angry. "I mean, what kind of person acts like that?"
"Someone's PMSing," Vaati observed, just as lost as Tovia was.
"Shut up. It's just... I mean... is she insane? There has to be something mentally wrong with her. It just doesn't make sense!"
"What doesn't make sense?"
"How she could act like that to her best friend!"
"Well, you're the one who said she was pissing you off," Vaati said, his projection walking steadily beside Tovia.
Tovia stopped. "Where am I? Fuck, I really did get lost..."
"I don't think she took that into account when she was yelling at you."
"Right... she can still order me around..." Tovia looked over at Vaati. "Have you ever known anyone like her?"
He raised an eyebrow. "I've known thousands of people, Tovia. I'm sure one of them was like her."
"How do you deal with someone like that? I mean... goddesses, I love her, but... she makes it so difficult."
Vaati's red eyes bore into him. "You love her?"
Tovia nodded, blushing. "Of course I do... I mean... she's different and when she's not being a jerk she's really nice..."
He grinned and looked away, or at least the projection did. "So, you love her and she loves you, you want to kill each other..." He shrugged. "Seems like you have your work cut out for you."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, everyone knows that two people who belong together hate each other's guts. It's how the world works."
"So that means we'll be fine?" Tovia smiled.
Vaati raised an eyebrow. "I wouldn't jump straight to the end. Here's a literal example, me and you. I wouldn't say we belong together, but we couldn't not, could we, not being able to not be together, you see? And we hate each other's guts. But you don't know we'll be fine."
"...What? Vaati... that made no sense. You lost me after 'I wouldn't say we belong together'."
He paused, then shook his head. "It was a bad example anyway."
Tovia shrugged. "It doesn't matter, though, right? We'll be okay. I mean... yeah, we'll have our ups and downs, but, we love each other. ...I think. I hope she still loves me."
Vaati projected a long, complicated sigh of exasperation. "She probably does," he said, and he very nearly caused Tovia to grimace.
"What do you mean probably? That doesn't make me feel any better!" Tovia exclaimed.
"This is a very irritating topic. Can we change it to something else? Where the hell are we?"
"I don't know where we are! I already said we were lost!"
"Bitches need to watch their mouths," Vaati grumbled.
"I wish she thought before she spoke."
After a pause, the projection offered, "If we find Cassandra, we can get her to reverse the spell."
He shrugged. "Why not? What's the worst that can happen?"
"Dear God, Tovia!" Vaati exclaimed, stopping and crossing his arms. "Why did you say that?"
Tovia came to a halt next to him. "What? What's wrong?"
"You're never supposed to say 'what's the worst that can happen'! Everybody knows that!"
"Well it's not like anything can go wrong!"
"Oh, goddammit!" He put his face in his hands, shaking his head. "Now we'll go into the woods and get strangled by beetles or something!" He looked up, irritated. "Come on, let's just go set up camp somewhere and wait for someone to pass by."
"What happened to the woods?"
"Well, it's not like we'll be able to find the right woods. We don't even know where we are."
"That's true..."
"Now go find some place to set up for the night."
Tovia nodded. "At least things can't get any worse..."
Vaati glared at him.
A/N: This chapter sucks and I'm sick, soooo deal with it.