*Authors note: This my first attempt at Buffy Fic so please be gentle. *grin

Disclaimer: Everything is Joss', not mine. I own nothing. Except an overactive imagination and a horrible lack of writing ability.

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Trying for B/A, but we'll see.

Spoilers: Season 6 general knowledge through Wrecked

Feedback: I would love it, but I'm not sure I deserve any. Please remember this is my first time and I'm trying very hard. I should probably stick to non-fiction.

Dedications go to the people at the Bronze: Beta who have fueled my Buffy- fan fire.

A Week to Find Life's Fire

1 Day 1, Buffy tries to find comfort in her room

Buffy sat on her bed clutching Mr. Gordo. Not because it offered any solace, but because she needed something safe to cling to. Since her return from heaven, she felt like she was standing at the edge of a precipice with nothing to hinder her fall.

"Was everything always this hard and painful and I never noticed?" she thought aloud. "What is wrong with me? Why can't I just move on with living? I did it when I sent Angel to hell. I did it when I lost Mom. I just can't care. I can't capture the fire no matter what I d…"

Then she blushed remembering her times with Spike. "Well except for then, but that doesn't count. Why is it always vampires who set my world on fire? Maybe my problems started before I died."

She reached under the bed and procured a small leather bound book.

"I wonder if Dawn is right and writing out my thought will help. She says it helps her with her feelings, but I wonder if it will do the same for a lack of feeling." She mused. "Well it can't hurt."

Buffy grabbed the pen off her bedside table and chewed the end for a moment. "Dear Diary is way too lame. I need an original…"

"Write to Angel." She heard whispered in her mind. "Write to him about your life and your feelings." With the inspiration given, she opened the book and began to write.


Dear Angel,

You always listened to my schoolgirl concerns and my rants about my calling. Somehow it seems right that I'm drawn to write my newest life problems to you. I may never send this journal your way, but somehow it just feels right. My Angel, I sometimes wonder if the nothingness I feel is the way it feels to lose your soul. I am no longer Buffy. I'm this hard shell that cares about nothing. I have done so many things since my return that would make you ashamed of me. I wish I could say I have regrets about them, but I don't. Every moment that makes me feel something other than cold, hard emptiness is worth it. Even if I'm desecrating my soul and myself. Of course, I'm not even sure I have a soul. All that is left is the Slayer, what happened to the girl a soulful vampire once loved…

I find myself unable to care about much of anything these days. Even your disgust does not frighten me, but this never ending cold does. Please Angel help me!