(9/13/00 – 9/28/00) Episode #2: Fore! Flying Garbage

CHARACTERS:

JESSE

JAMES

MEOWTH

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

CHAN-SAW

EVIL BEAR-MON

Team Rocket's Pokémon

The Team Rocket Girls' Pokémon

GIOVANNI

PERSIAN

ROCKET, ROCKET2, ROCKETGRL: several of Gio's lackeys; (you know, those guys in the purple uni's w/the newsboy caps?)

the Twerp Trio

PIKACHU

TOGEPI

a

Team Rocket's answering machine (a.k.a. MECHANICAL VOICE)

and some irritated movie patrons

Scene I

(A creepy primordial swamp)

MEOWTH: Why did I ever make dat stupid time machine?

CHAN-SAW: At least you got it to work finally.

EVIL BEAR-MON: But now we're trapped in ancient—who knows where! YOU DUMB-ASS! (smacks Meowth with a nearby stick)

MEOWTH: OW! Don't call me 'dumb-ass', moron!

EVIL BEAR-MON: You know you're my friend if I've called you a 'dumb-ass'.

MEOWTH: Dat's a stupid excuse!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Yes, I know. (smacks him w/the stick again) YOU DUMB-ASS, GET US OUT OF HERE!

CHAN-SAW: I'm scared. I've never seen Evil Bear-mon lose his temper before.

MEOWTH: It's not scary, it's painful! Aagh, cut it out!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Get us out of here and I'll stop.

MEOWTH: I don't even know how I got us here!

CHAN-SAW: (dryly) Some scientist you are.

MEOWTH: (snappy) Never said I was one!

CHAN-SAW: I wonder if anyone has noticed we're gone yet?

EVIL BEAR-MON: Probably not.

MEOWTH: (proudly) Maybe youse guys, but not Meowth! I bet Jess 'n James are cryin' like babies right now dey miss me so much!

JESSE: My it's peaceful without Meowth around.

JAMES: (sigh) I wish it would stay like this forever!

E.B. & CHAN-SAW: Yeah right.

MEOWTH: No, really! Dose two are helpless wit'out Meowth! Dey couldn't find dey're way outta' an open closet wit'out me!

JAMES: Hey Jesse, come look! I just came up with the meaning of life and the secret to immortality!

JESSE: That's great, James-chan! Like my solar-powered wireless modem?

JAMES: Ooh, is it IBM compatible?

CHAN-SAW: Hmm, I guess you're right about that one.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Those two are really hopeless.

MEOWTH: I'm da true genius behind Team Rocket.

CHAN-SAW: Don't push your luck!

EVIL BEAR-MON: To get back to our original dilemma…

CHAN-SAW: (crying rivers) Yeah, we're stuck in some icky primordial swamp and Meowth's too stupid to get us back!

EVIL BEAR-MON: And me without my galoshes.

MEOWTH: If I'm so stupid, you make a time-machine and get us home!

CHAN-SAW: (haughty) I'm just not the creative type.

EVIL BEAR-MON: Yeah, you're the psycho-destructive type.

CHAN-SAW: (big scary face) I AM NOT PSYCHO!

EVIL BEAR-MON: AAAGH, NOT THE CHAINSAW!

MEOWTH: Shut up! If youse want me ta get us back home, be quiet so I can t'ink!

BOTH: Sorry.

MEOWTH: (thoughtful) Now let's see…dis button brought us here…

CHAN-SAW: (helpful) Maybe if you turned that button that way—

EVIL BEAR-MON: (shoving her out of the way) No, give it a few good whacks and push that button!

CHAN-SAW: Don't break it, meathead!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Well what's turning that button gonna' do?! We already tried all the buttons anyway and they don't work!

CHAN-SAW: (looming) WELL TRY THEM AGAIN!

(Chan-saw begins to chase him w/her chainsaw angrily)

EVIL BEAR-MON: (crying rivers) COME ON, CUT IT OUT!

MEOWTH: (sigh) Urgh! I'm gonna' be stuck in dis backwater century with dem two morons for da rest of my life… (bursts out crying hysterically) OH GOD, SOMEBODY SAVE ME!

(With a mighty roar, a ferocious T. Rex crashes into the clearing)

CHAN-SAW: Uhhhhhh…

EVIL BEAR-MON: Yipe.

MEOWTH: (sobbing hysterically) We're all gonna' die and I never even got ta go skydiving in my life!

CHAN-SAW: (sobbing as well) I NEVER GOT TO TEST MY CHAINSAW ON A TOUR BUS!

EVIL BEAR-MON: I NEVER FIGURED OUT IF THE CHICKEN CAME BEFORE THE EGG OR VICE VERSA!

BOTH: IT WAS THE EGG THAT PROCEEDED THE CHICKEN!

EVIL BEAR-MON: BUT IT CAN'T BE PROVEN!

: (groan) Oh, I hate it when your meal gets all emotional on you! It's so unappealing! (chasing them) Shut up or I'll make your deaths slow and painful!

Scene II

(We find the crew back home wasting time. As usual…)

GALAXIA: Right hand on red.

JAMES: Ow! Neko-chan, get your elbow out of my ribs!

NEKO: I can't move you twit or I'll fall over!

JESSE: James, your foots on the last red, damnit!

JAMES: Can we share colors?

GALAXIA: No!

JESSE: Move over, damnit!

NEKO: Jesse, quit shoving him! You're going to knock him into me!

JAMES: Ow, cut it out! It was my red first! (whine) Find your own red, Jesse!

GALAXIA: Everyone quit pushing or you're all disqualified! Left foot blue!

JESSE: Oof!

NEKO: Jesse's out!

JAMES: Yay! I get her blue!

JESSE: No way! I'm not helping you win! (covers the blue circle possessively)

NEKO: Jesse, get off the board! You're out!

JAMES: Aagh! Interference!

GALAXIA: Jesse, off the mat! Quit cheating!

JESSE: Well James switched greens!

JAMES: I did not!

GALAXIA: I'm not listening!

NEKO: As if you didn't switch yellows!

JESSE: She called double yellows, damnit!

GALAXIA: (yelling over their arguments) LEFT FOOT RED!

(Both James and Neko reach for the nearest red circles but Jesse jumps in the way angrily, causing the two to lose their balance and land in a tumbled heap)

GALAXIA: (angrily) Jesse!

JESSE: What?!

NEKO: You dumb bitch! You do that every time you lose!

JAMES: (whining) I was going to win, too!

JESSE: I would have won if James hadn't stolen my red!

JAMES: (weep) I didn't steal it, Jess! My foot was there the whole game!

GALAXIA: (throwing down the game board angrily) That's it! I'm not playing with you guys anymore! All you do is fight and bitch and cheat and try to knock each other over!

ALL: Isn't that the object of the game?!

GALAXIA: I GIVE UP!

NEKO: (sigh) Oh well. (pause) Wanna' play Charades?

JAMES: Double teams!

JESSE: We get first draw!

NEKO: No we get first draw!

JAMES: You went first last time!

NEKO: No, that was the time before!

GALAXIA: (mutter) I'm not being part of this…(walks off)

JAMES: Give me the pen, bitch!

NEKO: You went first last time, jerk!

(The phone rings)

JESSE: No, give me the pen because I'm drawing first!

JAMES: I thought I was!

JESSE: You got to last time.

NEKO: Well you both went before me last time so I get to go first!

(Phone rings again)

GALAXIA: Could someone please answer the phone?

JESSE: (not listening) Give me that pen back, you hussy!

NEKO: Over my dead body!

JAMES: Tackle her, Jess!

GALAXIA: You guys?! The phone!

NEKO: Ow! No hair pulling, damnit!

JAMES: OW! She bit me!

GALAXIA: SOMEBODY ANSWER THE GODDAMN PHONE!

(Another ring)

GALAXIA: (answers it huffily) Yeah?

GIOVANNI: Who is this?

GALAXIA: Uh, Galaxia. Who the hell are you? (eyebrow raise) Please don't tell me you're going to ask what my favorite scary movie is.

GIOVANNI: OF COURSE I'M NOT! THIS IS THE BOSS YOU INCOMPETENT HALF-WIT! HOW DARE YOU LET THIS PHONE RING THREE TIMES!

GALAXIA: Well I didn't know it was you at first. For all I know you could be some weirdo in a phone booth with a voice-changer.

GIOVANNI: YOU IMBECILE, I—(thinks) Oh, you're right. Maybe I should stop talking like a psycho killer all the time. (pause) Nah!

GALAXIA: Um, yeah. Anyway…

GIOVANNI: Why did I call you again?

GALAXIA: Um, I have no idea, sir.

GIOVANNI: Oh, dear, I think I dialed the wrong number again when I was trying to order a pizza. (cheery) Well, sorry to bother you, cadet! Keep up the good work!

GALAXIA: But I'm not working, sir.

GIOVANNI: WHAT?! YOU DARE SLACK IN MY ORGANIZATION?!

GALAXIA: Actually, sir, you put my partner and I under the tutelage of Jesse and James and put us all on vacation right now.

GIOVANNI: (calming) Oh yes, I did, didn't I? Well, in that case, enjoy your vacation, cadet! (muttering to himself) What on earth?! Put those imbeciles in charge of training cadets?! I must have been on crack! (hangs up)

GALAXIA: I really think the Boss is loose one screw…Or he's just a crack-head. (shrugs and puts down the phone)

NEKO: Hey, who was on the phone, Galaxia?

GALAXIA: I don't know. Some guy wanting to know what my favorite scary movie was or something…(leaves the room)

JESSE: Damn horror movie fans!

JAMES: Did you tell them it was Scream? Because that is just so cliché!

NEKO: No, no, I think hers was Lake Placid.

JAMES: That movie's not scary!

NEKO: Well neither is Scream!

JESSE: You're both forgetting that Urban Legends is the ultimate horror flick.

JAMES: No way! Silence of the Lambs is so much scarier!

NEKO: How about Child's Play?

JAMES: A talking psycho doll? Yeah right!

JESSE: The Shining is pretty classic.

NEKO: Ooh, you're right.

JAMES: How about Cujo?

NEKO: Not as scary as the book.

JESSE: Of course, then there's the many sequels…

Scene III

(The downtown bus stop. Ash, Misty, and Tracey are just standing around)

ASH: My feet hurt. When is that stupid bus going to get here?

MISTY: How should I know? Besides, I don't even have a watch.

ASH: Do you?

TRACEY: (shrugs) No, never needed one before.

ASH: Of all the stupid…!

MISTY: Ash, shut up—you don't have a watch either.

TRACEY: Why are we waiting at the bus stop, anyway? We don't even have any money.

ASH: I don't know.

MISTY: It was Ash's idea.

ASH: Was not!

PIKACHU: Pi-ka!

ASH: Pikachu, don't side with her!

TRACEY: Um, why don't we walk like we always do?

ASH: Because I'm sick of walking and we do it everyday!

MISTY: (poking his cheeks) He just wants to get home in time for Barney!

ASH: (growl) Cut it out, Misty, that's not funny!

TRACEY: I thought it was the Power Rangers?

PIKACHU: Pika, pika?

TOGEPI: (laughing) Brriiiiiiii! Toké, toké!
TRACEY: Hey, you guys, I just thought of another thing.

BOTH: QUIT THINKING!

TRACEY: Sorry. It's just that, um, didn't your guys' Pokémon get run over by semis yesterday?

(Both blink)

ASH: (looks down at Pikachu) Maybe…it didn't hit them really hard.

MISTY: Togepi seems fine to me.

TRACEY: (shrug) Ah, well! The miracles of modern medicine!

ASH: So what do you guys want to do now?

MISTY: I want ice cream!

ASH: We don't have money, Misty.

MISTY: So what. I want ice cream, so I will get ice cream!

TRACEY: What's up with Misty?

ASH: (shrug) She's been scaring me like that lately.

TRACEY: (slowly) Hey Misty, why don't we go down to the bridge and look at the pretty water Pokémon, huh?

ASH: (mutter) Before she does something really stupid.

TRACEY: Yeah, I don't like the way she's eyeing that ice cream vender.

ASH: HEY LOOK, A TENTACRUEL!

MISTY: (hyper) WHERE?!

TRACEY: Quick, grab her arms!

PIKACHU: Pika!

Scene IV

(Ten minutes later in Giovanni's office…)

GIOVANNI: Wait a minute, I was calling Jesse and James!

PERSIAN: Rowr?

GIOVANNI: Oi! I don't even like that pizza place anymore! (picks up the phone and hits redial)

(Rings several times)

GIOVANNI: (impatient) Somebody pick up the damned phone…

JESSE'S VOICE: (evil laugh) You've reached…

JAMES' VOICE: …Team Rocket!

GIOVANNI: (yelling at the phone) God damnit!

JESSE'S VOICE: We're not home right now, so leave a message after the beep!

JAMES' VOICE: (angrily) And if this is you again, Botch: No, you can not borrow my Hot Wheels track! *beep*

GIOVANNI: (enraged) YOU INGRATIATING MORONIC HALF-WITS, HOW DARE YOU NOT BE HOME WHEN I CALL, I'M CUTTING YOUR VACATIONS FOR THIS AND YOU ONLY GET ONE DRINK TICKET FOR THE ANNUAL SPAGHETTI DINNER NOW! GOD-DAMN YOU, YOU SLACKING NIT-WITS I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I CALLED YOU FOR, JESUS CHRIST! OH YEAH, and have a nice vacation! *click* Damn, I hate answering machines.

PERSIAN: (sweat drop) Mrowr…

GIOVANNI: Aargh, now I'm cranky! Come on Persian, let's go mini-golfing…!

(And back at the Pad…)

*Pre-translated*

LICKITUNG: (drowsily) Wha' was that…?

FLAREON: Um, Darth Vader?

RAICHU: Didn't that Luke dude kill him?

FLAREON: Well it sounded like him.

WEEZING: No one home. TV not on when no one home.

RAICHU: Who says? I'm gonna' play N64, y'know. (walks off)

LICKITUNG: Count me in. (follows him)

WEEZING: Masters be angry.

RAICHU: Screw your master. Your master's a moron.

WEEZING: (gasp) Not Master!

ARBOK: Oh, shut up, he is too a moron! Just like you, you brainless gas cloud! (whacks him over the head w/his tail) Now can it and let me sleep!

FLAREON: (vicious) What did you say about my James, you creep?! (dives on Arbok)

ARBOK: (hiss) AAAAAGGGHHHH! DEAR GOD, SHE'S RABID!

(Flareon begins beating the crap out of Arbok in the background)

VICTREEBELL: What's this blinking light? (pokes answering machine)

RAICHU: Don't touch that, dumb-ass! That's the answering machine!

VICTREEBELL: Don't touch what? (hits random buttons)

RAICHU: Stop that, moron! You're gonna' get us in trouble, y'know!

VICTREEBELL: What trouble? (keeps hitting buttons and accidentally hits the 'Delete Message' button) *BEEEP*

MECHANICAL VOICE: Messages deleted.

(Hushed silence)

FLAREON: Eep! It wasn't me!

ARBOK: AAAAAGGGHH, YOU IMBECILE!

VICTREEBELL: (still confused) What?!

LICKITUNG: So are we playing Nintendo or not?

RAICHU: Let's go.

GASTLY: (popping into the room) You're all dead.

FLAREON: (ditzy) What's it like?

GASTLY: Well, there's this bright light…But I turned it off because it was really hurting my eyes.

FLAREON: (awed) Ooh…!

VICTREEBELL: Oh, well. (swallows the answering machine)

ARBOK: AAAGHH! You imbecile, what did you do that for?!

VICTREEBELL: It sounded like Master. (sticking his tongue out distastefully) Ick! Didn't taste like Master, though. Much too dry.

ARBOK: Excuse me. I must go find my wa before I kill you all…(slithers off) [Wa = harmony]

FLAREON: Wait, come back! I'm angry at you! Stupid snake! (running after him) I don't remember why anymore…but…maybe if I bite you some more it will come back to me…!

Scene V

(We find our two teams walking aimlessly around main street)

JAMES: I'm bored.

NEKO: No kidding! Are we gonna' do something or not?!

JAMES: (heavy sigh) I'm really bored, damnit…!

JESSE: Okay, we get the point.

GALAXIA: Let's go see a movie!

JESSE: I used up my money for the bus tab.

NEKO: I wasted mine on candy.

GALAXIA: No problem! James will pay for us!

JAMES: What?!

JESSE: Good idea! Milk my boyfriend for all he's worth! (holds him possessively by the arm)

NEKO: (patting him on the shoulder) Did I ever tell you that you're my best friend?

JAMES: (dryly) Yeah right. (hasty) Wait a second, I'm not paying for all of you!

GALAXIA: (pouty face) Come on!

NEKO: Some gentleman you are…

JESSE: (dangerously) You're paying for me, though, right James…?

JAMES: (nervous) Ah, of course, koishíi! [Koishíi = dear, beloved]

GALAXIA: (giggle) Aw, koishíi! How sweet!

NEKO: (crying pathetically) DAMNIT, I WANT A BOYFRIEND!

(Galaxia pats her shoulder comfortingly)

JESSE: Stop sucking up and take us to the damn movie.

JAMES: (scowling at Galaxia) You owe me, G-chan!

GALAXIA: What'd I do?!

NEKO: I wanna' see Bring It On!

JAMES: (angrily) You'll see what I take you to, damnit!

GALAXIA: But you just told me you wanted to see that the other day too, James!

JESSE: She's got you there, James-chan.

JAMES: (whine) Don't take her side!

(Ten minutes later…)

JAMES: (pouting) I can't believe I let you guys talk me into this!

JESSE: Oh, quit whining! You wanted to see a movie just as much.

JAMES: But now I'm broke!

JESSE: (snuggling against him) So what's new?

GALAXIA: Neko-chan, why are we sitting in a different row than Jess and James?

NEKO: Because I didn't want to have to put up with all their mushiness while I'm trying to watch the movie. Blech! (makes a face then starts wolfing down her popcorn)

GALAXIA: I think they're cute.

NEKO: You would!

GALAXIA: (sticks out her tongue) Jealous, party of one: you're table's ready!

NEKO: (scowl) Huh! Jealous! Yeah right! Blech! Look at them?! I think I'm going to heave popcorn all over the seats! (makes gagging motions)

GALAXIA: (dryly) Riiiiiggggghhhhttt…

NEKO: (stands up in her seat w/a megaphone) HEY! YOU IN THE SIXTH ROW! WE'VE GOT A PDA LAW AROUND HERE! BACK AWAY FROM THE PERSON SEATED NEXT TO YOU AND PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!

JAMES: (sweat drop) I wasn't doing anything, I swear!

JESSE: (hiss) Put that megaphone away, you twit!

NEKO: (ignores her) IF YOU DO NOT MAINTAIN A TWO-FOOT DISTANCE FROM EACH OTHER, I WILL BE FORCED TO REMOVE YOU FROM THE PREMISES FOR INDECENT PUBLIC BEHAVIOR!

VOICE: Down in front!

VOICE 2: I can't see the movie screen!

(Odd pieces of garbage are thrown at Neko from around the theatre)

JAMES: The movie hasn't even started yet and the crowd's already rioting.

JESSE: (groans and slides down in her seat)

GALAXIA: (covering her head) Neko, sit down! I'm getting half-eaten Gummi Bears in my hair!

NEKO: (huffy) I suppose I might as well… (throws a well-aimed soda container back at it's owner) There's still pop in there, you dumb-ass!

JAMES: (groan) I hope this is a short movie…

JESSE: Is it over yet…?

Scene VI

(Back at the lovely primordial swamp—er, actually, a really wet and icky primordial forest not-so-far from the primordial swamp…)

MEOWTH: (trying to catch his breath) Mee-OWTH! We made it away from dat T. Rex!

CHAN-SAW: Uh, actually, only you and I made it. Evil Bear-mon got eaten.

MEOWTH: (disgusted face) Uu-uugh…! What a gross way ta go…

EVIL BEAR-MON: Who got eaten?

CHAN-SAW: Oh, there he is! (casual laugh) I guess I was mistaken!

MEOWTH: (dryly) Yeah.

EVIL BEAR-MON: What say we get out of here?

CHAN-SAW: Yeah, there's really big mosquitoes here and they're giving me really big mosquito bites. Ow!

MEOWTH: Um, whoops…

EVIL BEAR-MON: "Whoops" what?

CHAN-SAW: "Whoops" 's aren't good.

MEOWTH: Well, I kinda' t'ink I dropped da time machine when we ran from dat Rex…

EVIL BEAR-MON: Well that was helpful of you.

CHAN-SAW: (projectile crying) WE'RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT OUT OF THIS PRIMORDIAL NIGHTMARE!

EVIL BEAR-MON: Great, now you're starting to use that word. How cliché…

MEOWTH: Are youse just gonna' sit dere cryin' or are ya gonna' help me find it?

EVIL BEAR-MON: (dragging Chan-saw along) Come on, Chan, let's get this over with.

CHAN-SAW: (amid sobs) …nightmare…!…it's a nightmare…!…oh, we're all gonna' die…!…

(Back in the present)

GIOVANNI: Fore!

(Giovanni's little black golf ball [with the symbolic red 'R', of course] flies across the miniature green and whacks a fellow golfer in the head)

GIOVANNI: Interference, damnit! (penciling in his score) Let's just say it was a hole-in-one…

ROCKET: Uh, sir, your ball wasn't even on the green.

ROCKET2: (muttering) It hasn't been the entire game…

ROCKETGRL: (whisper) I wonder how many other players he's hit by now?

ROCKET: (rubbing his head) He hit me twice…

ROCKETGRL: Well that's because you were blocking his shot—

ROCKET2: Which was nowhere near the hole.

GIOVANNI: Nitwits, quit flappin' your gums and play, damnit!

ALL ROCKETS: Yes, sir!

GIOVANNI: (to Persian) Huh. This is such a lousy game, neh?

PERSIAN: Mrowr…

GIOVANNI: (irritated) All that damned interference! Infantile scum! Now where is that cocktail waitress?

PERSIAN: (sweat drop) Peeer-sian? Cocktail waitress? At a golf course?!

ROCKET: FORE!

PERSIAN: MRROOWWR! (the ball knocks him out)

GIOVANNI: (rubbing his temples) Jesse and James better be home soon because I'm really getting sick of this game…

ROCKET: UM, BOSS, I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T SEE YOUR CAT THERE, I SWEAR!

GIOVANNI: SHUT UP, BUFFOON, AND GIVE ME THAT 9-IRON!

ROCKET: AAAAGGGHHHH!

ROCKETGRL: He's been askin' for it.

ROCKET2: Ouch. He's going to feel that in the morning…

END EPISODE TWO