(9/30/00 & 1/28/01) Episode #3: Dude, where's the bus?

CHARACTERS:

JESSE

JAMES

NEKO-CHAN

GALAXIA

MEOWTH

CHAN-SAW

E. BEAR

The Twerp Trio plus PIKACHU & TOGEPI

MAN who looks like—

BUTCH

CASSIDY

GIOVANNI

his PERSIAN

a BUS DRIVER plus some PASSENGERs

an old lady with a shopping cart

and some talking pineapples

Scene I

(Team Rocket [minus Meowth] and the Rocket Girls are just getting out of the theatre)

GALAXIA: That was such a good movie!

NEKO: It had a crappy plot.

JAMES: I didn't like it.

JESSE: What movie was it again?

NEKO: (sigh) I can't remember.

JESSE: Oh well. I didn't watch much of it anyway.

GALAXIA: Okay, we don't need to know this!

JAMES: (ahem) What do you girls want to do now? (hastily) Not requiring money, of course!

JESSE: (pout) There isn't much you can do without money.

NEKO: Face it: money makes the world go round.

GALAXIA: I thought it was love?

NEKO: No, that's the meaning of life.

JESSE: Love is the meaning of life?

NEKO: (starry-eyed) Yes…

JAMES: I told you that this morning, koishíi.

JESSE: It just made more sense the way you said it…

GALAXIA: Well I can believe that. Nothing Neko says makes sense.

NEKO: That's because my mind is more superior than all of yours'.

JESSE: Oh is that so? Solve ¾x – ¼ = 2 and graph it on a coordinate plane for me!

NEKO: Aw, advanced algebra?! That's dirty!

JESSE: Do it! Now!

NEKO: Aaagh, no way! Galaxia, help me! Don't let her make me do it!

GALAXIA: Cut it out, you two. We need to think of something to do!

JAMES: Let's go back to the hideout and play Ghost in the Graveyard.

NEKO: Good idea! (smacking him on the back) JAMES IS IT!

JESSE & GALAXIA: (hitting him as well) YEAH! JAMES IS IT!

(The three girls run off laughing towards the bus stop)

JAMES: (evil snicker) They think they're so smart… (giddy) I'm going to scare the crap out of them! (runs after them)

Scene II

(Back in the annals of time, when giant lizards of death ruled the earth…)

CHAN-SAW: Ooh, look, a pizza shop!

MEOWTH: WHAT?! WHERE?!

E. BEAR: Chan-saw, this is primordial earth. There aren't pizza shops.

CHAN-SAW: Ohhh…

MEOWTH: (still rubbernecking) WHERE, WHERE?!

E. BEAR: Okay, so let's run over this again. We are stuck in like, really, really ancient times when ugly killer lizards roam the earth and Meowth busted our only means of getting out of here, neh?

CHAN-SAW: And then lost it. Don't forget that part!

MEOWTH: Ha, ha, you guys, it's not funny anymore, okay?

E. BEAR: Oh yeah, it's not funny alright, it friggin' SUCKS!

CHAN-SAW: I can't believe you could be so dense!

MEOWTH: (dryly) This coming from an overgrown marshmallow…

E. BEAR: Enough sarcasm, Darwin. Just get us out of here already!

MEOWTH: Well whaddya want me ta do?! Snap my fingers and say "hocus pocus" or somethin'?!

CHAN-SAW: Would that work?

MEOWTH: Why don't you try it. I'm goin' ta retrace our steps and try 'n find dat time machine.

E. BEAR: Ooh yay, let's go for another wonderful mud-hike, everyone…

MEOWTH: Got any better ideas, Einstein?

(E. Bear looks thoughtful while Chan-saw screams "hocus pocus" over and over again in the background)

MEOWTH: Well?

E. BEAR: (cheerful) Lead on, oh fearless leader!

MEOWTH: (sigh) I have a feelin' we're headed for more sarcasm…

CHAN-SAW: The "hocus pocus" thing doesn't seem to be working, guys. Guys? Hey, wait for me, damnit!

Scene III

(Present time, present…bus stop) [- Recognize the Lain reference?]

GALAXIA: I hope I have enough money left on my bus pass.

NEKO: We might have to walk. God, where the hell is the bus?! Hey Jess, when's the bus s'pose to come again? (silence) Jess?

(Looks over her shoulder and sees Jesse and James making-out)

GALAXIA: Jeez, the least they could do is wait for the bus ride home.

NEKO: (huff) Aw, forget it! I'll just complain until it comes, I guess!

GALAXIA: When don't you complain, Né-chan?

NEKO: Heh, heh, shut up, G-chan…

(A lanky looking middle-aged man with scowling features walks up to the bus stop, broken beer bottle in one hand and a board with a nail in it in the other)

MAN: Hey, do either of you girls know when the bus is suppose to arrive?

NEKO: (scoff) I wish!

GALAXIA: (pointing to Jesse) The only one who knows that is her, but I don't think you should interrupt her right now…

MAN: Damn! I'm in a hurry!

NEKO: (irritated) Yeah, so are we. (yelling into the night) Hurry up, you traffic-school reject!

GALAXIA: Hey, you look familiar. Kind of like—

MAN: No relation.

GALAXIA: But I didn't finish.

NEKO: Stupid-ass bus company! I am so complaining about their service! (looks at man) Hey, you look just like—

MAN: No relation.

NEKO: Oh well.

JESSE: (coming up for air) Hey, is that half-wit bus here yet?

NEKO: Nope. You can go back to your CPR training.

JAMES: (whiny) Aw, I'm tired! Neko, make it come sooner!

NEKO: (huff) Look, I'm trying Jamesie-wamesie, but I'm not Jesus!

JAMES: (whine) Why not? (double-take) Né-chan, stop calling me that!

(Misty suddenly sits up on the nearby bench)

MISTY: Agh, I'm sleeping on a bench at a bus stop!

ASH: (mutter) Wha—? What's going on…?

TRACEY: (drowsy) Is the train here yet?

MISTY: I think we fell asleep. But I don't remember how we got here.

TRACEY: Hey, what's that smell? And why does my butt hurt?

ASH: Ooh, breath on Misty, rummy!

MISTY: One of you should go call someone to pick us up! I'm sick of being stuck in this stupid town!

ASH: Who am I? And what's a phone?

MISTY: Stop playing stupid, Ash!

PIKACHU: Piii—ka… My butt fell asleep…

GALAXIA: Hey, do you guys hear that?

JAMES: (scared) Sounds like voices! Jesse, what if it's ghosts?! (jumps in her arms) I'm scared!

JESSE: Urk, James, get offa' me…!

MAN: (twitch) Hey, one of those voices sounds familiar…

JAMES: (blink) Hey! You're—

MAN: No relation.

JAMES: But you look just like—

NEKO & GALAXIA: No relation!

ASH: Look, Misty, why don't you call someone? I'm going back to sleep…

MISTY: Ash Ketchum, get up and call me a cab, you street bum!

TRACEY: Urrgh…Too much noise…(looks green)

PIKACHU: Pii! Arrgh! It's still asleep!

JESSE: Hey! That sounds like—

MAN: (raising his weapons) Ash Ketchum!

JAMES: You know him?

MAN: He's the little brat who called in a fake bomb threat to my photo development store! I'M GONNA' KILL THAT LITTLE JACKASS!

JESSE: (whisper) It's the clerk from the photo place!

JAMES: Eep!

MAN: What?

JESSE: Oh, nothing! (angry) Let's get him!

MAN: (diving at the three on the bench) AAARRRRGHHH!

MISTY: Agh, gang-bangers!

NEKO: (to Galaxia) Hey, that must be the bomb threat at that place we brought Gastly's film to!

GALAXIA: Yeah! He cost us priceless memories!

NEKO: And blackmail material! LET'S GET 'IM!

(Jesse, James, Neko, Galaxia and the strange man who looks like—)

MAN: No relation.

(—dive on the three clueless Pokémon trainers and accompanying Pokémon with a variety of blunt objects)

TRACEY: Ooh, I think I'm going to be sick…!

PIKACHU: Pi, pi ka! Damnit, wake up!

(Pikachu unwittingly fries everyone present trying to wake it's own ass up)

NEKO: (crispy) What the—?!

MAN: God DAMNIT!

JAMES: Ooh, look, your hair stands on end, Jesse!

JESSE: AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!

MISTY: Oh my God! Togepi! He's dead!

GALAXIA: Why do I smell scrambled eggs?

TRACEY: Ooh, I really think I'm going to be sick…! (pukes his guts out)

(And as the entire group stands there recovering from the shock [pun totally intended] the bus stops and drives by)

ASH: Uh, wasn't that the bus?

NEKO: Our ride! Nooooo!

JAMES: (whining) I'm tired! Make it come back!

MISTY: (weep) Togepi! Wake up! Come on, wake up!

MAN: I really need to find a new job…(shuffles off)

(Long, uncomfortable pause)

NEKO: (eyebrow twitch) Jess, when does the next bus come?

JESSE: (twitch, twitch) Two-fifteen, Neko-chan…

JAMES: (droop) Is that AM…?!

GALAXIA: I swear I'm smelling scrambled eggs…!

MISTY: (indecipherable blubbering)

PIKACHU: (happily) Pi-ka! That's better!

ASH: (mutter, grumble) …Stupid Pikachu…

TRACEY: (really green) You guys, I think I'm really sick…(starts puking again)

NEKO: (to Jesse) You're kidding me…

JESSE: Nope. (blink, scowl) You know what? This is all—(grabs Ash) your fault!

ASH: Yaa-aagh! WhatI'ddo?!

MISTY: (wailing) OH, THE HUMANITY! CUT DOWN IN IT'S PRIME!

JAMES: It's just an egg.

MISTY: But it was a BABY egg!

GALAXIA: (eye roll) Well, duh!

ASH: OW, OW! NOT MY EYES! PLEASE—JESSE, NOOOOO!

(Jesse has pinned Ash to the ground and is spraying mace from her purse in his eyes)

JESSE: STUPID PUNK! Take that!

ASH: (weeping like a little girl) Ow, ow, it buuuuuu-rrrnnnss!

NEKO: Isn't mace illegal in this state?

GALAXIA: What state are we in?

NEKO: (exasperated) Well I have no idea!

TRACEY: (stumbling around) Whoa, is it just me or does the ground tip here?

JAMES: …Misty, could I have your Togepi?

NEKO: James, quit harassing Misty.

JAMES: What?! I'm not harassing her!

GALAXIA: I wish we had lawn chairs or something. These benches feel like concrete.

NEKO: Well while you're getting those lawn chairs, G-chan, why don't you just pick up some beach umbrellas and a bottle of suntan lotion too?

JAMES: Hey, I'd call that harassing!

NEKO: That's not harassment! This is harassment! (shoves Misty into the street)

JAMES: Oh, I see. Because I thought harassment was like this! (shoves Misty several times, making taunts)

MISTY: Waagh! What's going on?!

NEKO: Jamesie, don't you know you're not suppose to hit girls! (punches him)

JAMES: Eeee!

NEKO: Now get back here on the sidewalk, you psycho! You're also not s'pose to play in the street!

JAMES: (weep) Neko, you sound like Jessebelle! Cut it out! (climbs up on the sidewalk)

MISTY: (sniff) You people are creepy and weird!

GALAXIA: (jumping up) Hey look! It's the bus!

EVERYONE: WHERE?!

(WHAM!)

NEKO: Nope. Just a semi.

EVERYONE: Awwww…!

JAMES: (pouting angrily) This sucks!

ASH: (squinting from the mace in his eyes) Hey, where's Misty?

PIKACHU: Pika, pika! Ah, it fell asleep again!

JAMES: (blink) I don't know.

NEKO: Um…I think the bus hit her.

ASH: …

TRACEY: Agh, help! The cement's coming at me! (falls on his face)

JESSE: Er…

JAMES: (happily) Scrambled eggs! (grabs a fork and knife and dives at the fried Togepi)

ASH: (sigh) I'm going home…(stumbles off blindly)

TRACEY: Ash, wait! The cement's got me…!

NEKO: (yawn) Damnit, I'm tired! Move over, James! I'm using your shoulder as a pillow!

JAMES: (pout) Awww! (hopeful) Does anyone have any salsa?

JESSE: Just move over so I can sleep on your other shoulder…

GALAXIA: Hey, what shoulder do I get?!

Scene IV

(On a runaway bus on its way out of town…)

CASSIDY: We're running out of road! What'll we do?!

BUTCH: You take the wheel! I'm going to try and disarm the bomb!

CASSIDY: You don't know how to disarm a bomb!

BUTCH: I also don't know how to drive a bus.

CASSIDY: You moron.

BUS DRIVER: As soon as you stop this bus, I'm calling the police! You can't just walk in here and take over my bus!

CASSIDY: (evil laughter) It seems we have, tubby! Why don't you just enjoy the drive?

BUTCH: Yeah!

CASSIDY: BUTCH, WATCH OUT FOR THAT POLE!

BUTCH: AAAAGGGHHH! (swerves)

PASSENGER: You're going to kill us all, you moron!

PASSENGER2: Can I be refunded? Hello?

BUS DRIVER: Look, it doesn't say anything in the hand guide about psychos taking over the bus being a cause for bus tab refunds, buddy.

PASSENGER2: Man, that sucks! I'm going to slash your seats!

BUS DRIVER: Hey, those are city property!

BUTCH: Sis, what's the point of us stealing this bus and strapping a bomb to it anyway?

CASSIDY: (irritated) You moron! Don't you know anything?! … (long pause) Well…it doesn't matter! And Butch, we didn't really strap a bomb to the bus. That was just a lie to get them to hand the bus over to us!

BUTCH: (sweat drop) Uh, we didn't…?

(Long pause)

CASSIDY: Butch, please don't tell me you really strapped a bomb to the bus…

BUTCH: Okay, I won't.

CASSIDY: YOU HALF-WITTED IMBECILE!

BUTCH: What?! I didn't say it!

PASSENGER3: (screaming insanely) AAAAGGGHHH, WE'RE BEING DRIVEN TO OUR INEVITABLE DEATHS! WE'RE ALL GONNA' BE SWALLOWED BY THE FLAMES OF DAMNATION! (dives out the window, screaming in horror)

PASSENGER2: Jeez, lighten up dude.

(Back at the bus stop)

NEKO: Dude, where's the bus?

JAMES: Where's the bus, dude?

GALAXIA: Dude, where's the bus?

NEKO: Where's the bus, dude?

JAMES: Dude, where's the bus?

JESSE: I'm not saying that.

NEKO: Dude, say it!

JAMES: Say it, dude!

JESSE: Stop saying 'dude'.

GALAXIA: Dude, why do we keep saying 'dude'?

JESSE: That's what I want to know.

JAMES: …

NEKO: …

GALAXIA: …?…

JESSE: (annoyed) What?

JAMES: You didn't say 'dude'.

JESSE: (whacks him)

JAMES: DUDE!

NEKO: Dude, that was harsh.

GALAXIA: Yeah, dude. Harsh.

JAMES: Ow, dude!

JESSE: Quit it, you three! It's bad enough we've been stuck here all night—I really don't need this crap!

NEKO: What crap?

JAMES: My head still hurts!

JESSE: Well, at least you stopped saying—

GALAXIA: Oh my God, she's gonna' say 'dude'!

NEKO & JAMES: GALAXIA! (bonk)

JESSE: (sigh) You three are morons…

GALAXIA: Ow, dudes! Why'd you do that?!

NEKO: Dude, you are so lame.

JAMES: Way lame, dude.

JESSE: (on her knees) Where is the bus?!

(The bus flies by)

CASSIDY: AAAAAAAGGGHHHH, BUTCH SLOW DOWN!

BUTCH: I CAAAAAAAAANNNN'TTTTT!

CASSIDY: WHYYYYYY?!

BUTCH: THE BUS WILL EXPLODE IF I GO UNDER FIFTY-FIVE MPH!

CASSIDY: AT LEAST WATCH OUT FOR THAT PARK BENCH!

BUS DRIVER: THAT'S NOT A PARK BENCH, THAT'S AN OLD LADY PUSHING A SHOPPING CART!

ALL: AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

BUTCH: RUN, OLD LADY, RUN!

GALAXIA: Hey, is that an old lady pushing a shopping cart?

NEKO: Ohmigod, they're gonna'—

JAMES: FOR THE LOVE OF FUZZY-BUNNIES, RUN, OLD LADY, RUN!

(Once again we return to the brutal, primeval swamps of ancient earth…)

CHAN-SAW: Oh my, isn't that an old lady pushing a shopping cart?

E. BEAR: Chan-saw, what the hell are you talking about?

CHAN-SAW: (weep) I don't know! Everything's such a blur!

MEOWTH: (grumble) Good God, she's delirious…

E. BEAR: It must have been those strange-colored mushrooms we fed her awhile back.

MEOWTH: Don't look at me! I told her not to eat 'em!

E. BEAR: I guess I'm to blame. I was kind of curious what they'd do to her.

CHAN-SAW: You guys?! Where are you guys?! And where did these talking pineapples come from?

MEOWTH: Maybe some more mushrooms would reverse da effect.

E. BEAR: Let's try it.

CHAN-SAW: Agh, stay away from me, pineapples! I have a chainsaw!

E. BEAR: Ow! She's hitting me, Meowth!

MEOWTH: Good idea, buddy! You keep 'er busy while I shove da mushrooms down her throat.

CHAN-SAW: Take that! You won't get me, pineapple!

E. BEAR: Hurry up! Before she remembers how to rev it!

MEOWTH: Wow, she's really givin' ya a beatin' with dat t'ing!

E. BEAR: QUIT GAWKING AND GIVE HER THE 'SHROOMS, DAMNIT!

MEOWTH: Dis reminds me of an Eminem song…

(Back in the present…)

JESSE: Well, it sure is a good thing the bus missed that old lady.

GALAXIA: Her poor shopping cart, though.

NEKO: Yeah, it's also a pity it MISSED US!

ALL: ARRRRGGGGHHHH…!

BUTCH: I sure am glad I missed that old lady.

CASSIDY: Butch, what does it matter?! We're still stuck on this explosive bus!

BUS DRIVER: (looking through some papers) I hope my insurance covers bombing and hostage situations…

PASSENGER3: AAAAAGGGGHHHH, THE BUS HAS BECOME A VEHICLE OF EXPLOSIVE FLAMING DOOM! WE'LL ALL BE SENT TO A FIERY, HELLISH DEATH! (dives, screaming, through the window)

BUTCH: Hey, didn't that guy already dive out the window?

CASSIDY: This is getting creepy…

[Author's Note: Don't people ever die around here?!]

(As if to prove my point, Misty and Togepi can be seen sleeping in the back of the bus)

[Author's Note: This is getting creepy…]

CASSIDY: That's what I said.

BUTCH: Sis, can we stop at the next rest stop? I have to go the bathroom!

CASSIDY: You moron, the bus will explode if we stop!

BUTCH: (whine) But I really have to go…!

CASSIDY: Next time we steal a blimp.

PASSENGER: Hey, I have to go to the bathroom too!

PASSENGER4: Could we stop for burgers?

PASSENGER2: The guy next to me just threw up all over my lap!

BUS DRIVER: Aaargh, it's not covered in my insurance!

Scene V

(The front stoop of Team Rocket's secret hideout)

GIOVANNI: Where are those buffoons? I've been waiting here for hours!

PERSIAN: Rowwwrrr… Damnit, my butt fell asleep…!

GIOVANNI: You said it, Persian! I should drastically cut their paychecks!

PERSIAN: (growl) …Wake…up…!

GIOVANNI: Hmm, I see your point. There really isn't anything to cut.

(Jesse, James, Neko-chan, and Galaxia come crawling out of the woods)

NEKO: (gasp) Finally!

JAMES: (in tears) I'm just going to lay down here on the steps and take a nap now…Wake me up in a few days…

JESSE: (crying rivers) Urrgh…Me too…

GALAXIA: (weep) Will someone help drag me to my bed?

GIOVANNI: What are you half-wits doing crawling around like a bunch of mindless worms?!

(Everyone jumps and looks up in surprise)

ALL: B-BOSS?!

JESSE: What are you doing here?!

JAMES: This place is a secret!

GIOVANNI: I bribed some pathetic pizza boy to give me the location.

GALAXIA: (shaking a fist) That stupid pizza boy!

GIOVANNI: You four have a lot of explaining to do!

PERSIAN: Rowr!

(The four jump to their feet, at attention)

ALL: Yessir! Sorry, sir!

JAMES: (weakly) Um, could we take a nap first, sir?

GIOVANNI: NO!

ALL: Awww…

NEKO: (mutter) This looks bad.

GALAXIA: Yeah, now we're never going to get any sleep!

NEKO: That's not quite what I meant.

END EPISODE THREE