(9/22/01 — 9/23/01) A Piss-Drunk Special, Part III: Bilingual Debacles

NEW CHARACTERS:

PROFESSOR OAK

MRS. KETCHUM (Ash's mom, duh)

TRACEY

the DIRECTOR

the PRODUCER

the ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

some pet supply store CLERK

a credit card machine

a BARTENDER

and some muffins

Scene I

(Just for a change of pace—and scenery—we go now to some distant mountaintop—)

[NO, NO, PLEASE, I WAS JUST KIDDING EARLIER ABOUT YOU BEING A HACK! *sob* PLEASE, PLEEEEASSE DON'T GO BACK TO THE YODELER!]

(*blink* I wasn't going to. *irritated* Now please shut up! Interloper…)

[*sobbing in relief* Oh thankGodthankGod, thank God! Nice narrator person, you…!]

( … ;; … )

PROF. OAK: (blink, blink) Oh dear…What are we doing on this distant mountaintop?

TRACEY: (clinging in terror to the Prof.) The scenery just went WOOSH! and suddenly—HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAB?!

PROF. OAK: (sweatdrop) Tracey…would you mind letting go of my arm?

TRACEY: (sheepish) Oh, uh…yeah. Sorry, Professor!

MRS. KETCHUM: (walking out of nowhere smiling cheerily) Oh, Professor! Would you like some of these bran muffins I baked? I just stopped by to see how you were—(abruptly looks down at cloud-scape surrounding them) What in HELL is going on?!

PROF. OAK: (still relatively calm) Oh, hello, Delia. It appears we have been caught in some sort of plot hole, no doubt. Ooh, muffins! (takes the proffered plate from Mrs. K's hands)

MRS. K: (still looking around dubiously) Oh. Is that it? (turns to Tracey, apparently unfazed) Tracey, would you care for some bran muffins?

TRACEY: Yaagh! (face faults in disbelief)

PROF. OAK: He's a little off-kilter with this whole business.

MRS. K: Oh, the poor boy. Do you like the muffins?

PROF. OAK: (grinning eagerly) They're delicious, Delia! Arigato gozaimasu.

MRS. K: Ah, doo itashimashite, Oak-san! [1]

TRACEY: (shocked & confused) Demo…demo…! [2]

MRS. K: (blink) Nan desu ka, Kenji? [3]

(Kenji?)

[Hey, what happened to the dubbed voices?]

(Ah, oro… I think the American funding ran out. All the script is in Japanese from here on…)

[What?! Not even subtitles?!]

(*looking over the script* Ano, it looks that way)

[Aaiie! They've got you, too!]

(*blink* Ah…ah…oro? *annoyed* Nani kuso) [4]

KENJI: Gomen, demo…nihongo de wa omou koto o iiarawashinikui! (bursts into loud sobbing & tearing at his hair) [5]

[At least I can still write the side-notes in English]

(Nani? Nani? Sou da ne?! *looking crazed*) [6]

DIRECTOR: Sorry, guys, but they cut the budget on us. You'll just have to improvise.

(Nan de mo soo iu uwasa desu! *grrr…*) [7]

DIRECTOR: Um, yeah, whatever you just said…(sweatdrops & looks at author)

[Don't look at me—I'm not bilingual!]

DIRECTOR: (looking at production notes) We're screwed.

(Naruhodo hontoo desu, baka na!) [8]

[*long unending sigh* … ]

KETCHUM-SAN: (confused) Naze ka shiranai. Anata iru Nipponjin. [9]

PROF. OAK: Hai, Kenji. (smiles & hands Kenji the tray of muffins) Taberu, shonen! [10]

KENJI: (smiles) Hai! Arigato, Professor-san!

[Damn-ass cheapskates! Where are those goddamned subtitling machines?!]

(*loud, profuse swearing in Japanese*)

PRODUCER: (signaling the director) Got it, Michael. Our dubbing crew is back online.

DIRECTOR: Where the hell did you get the moolah for that?

PRODUCER: Let's see…The networking officials said not to tell you because we might get in trouble so…um, I can't tell you. So, ready to start filming again?

DIRECTOR: You bet, Norman. Okay, everyone, let's keep that film rolling!

ASS. DIRECTOR: You think we should change the set?

DIRECTOR: Nah, keep it. Nobody will even notice.

ASS. DIRECTOR: Got it. Okay! Places everybody!

TRACEY: (pout) I wanted a scene change!

PROF. OAK: Oh, shut up, boy. Eat your muffin!

Notes on translations:

[1] Doo itashimashite: You're welcome (Nothing at all/Don't mention it)

[2] Demo: But

[3] Nan desu ka?: What is it?

[4] Nani kuso: Damn it

[5] Gomen, demo…nihongo de wa omou koto o iiarawashinikui!: I'm sorry, but…it is difficult to express my thought in Japanese!

[6] Sou da ne?: Is that so?

[7] Nan de mo soo iu uwasa desu: So they say/So I hear

[8] Naruhodo hontoo desu, baka na!: I can see that, stupid! (I see it is true, stupid)

[9] Naze ka shiranai. Anata iru Nipponjin: I don't know why. You are Japanese.

[10] Taberu, shonen: Eat, boy

Scene II

(Meanwhile, at a pet supply store in RockDanville [that's TR's hometown, no da]…)

GIOVANNI: (severely PO'd) What do you mean my credit card doesn't compute?!

CLERK: (bored tone) I mean just that, sir. It doesn't compute. The machine's rejecting you.

GIOVANNI: (face purpling w/rage) WHAT?! No one rejects me! It MUST take my card, or I'll kick your ass so hard, you're teeth will shake! (snatches the credit card machine) Give me that insubordinate piece of machinery, you incessant dimwit!

(He proceeds to continually ramming his credit card into the offending machine, sending the credit card-swiper into a fit of high pitched beeps)

CLERK: (becoming concerned) Sir! Sir, please don't treat the machinery—

GIOVANNI: (now in angry tears) GIVE ME MY MONEY, YOU SHODDILY CRAFTED P.O.S.!

(Hmm…interesting)

[Those naughty network officials…]

(Alright, that's enough of that, now. Back to the story?)

[Back to the story!]

JAMES: Haa-AI! Itadakimasu! (-'Let's eat', or literally, 'Thank you for the meal')

(AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!)

JESSE: (smacking him over the head) James! Not yet! The fireworks just started!

JAMES: (small voice) Aw, gomen, Jess-chan! But I'm so hungry!

(DON'T DO THAT!)

JAMES: (cower) EEEEEeeeeeEEEeeE!

JESSE: (hits him again) Baka! Now what are you whining for?!

(*grumbling darkly* Stupid anime bilingual expressions…!)

JAMES: G-chan, save me! (glomps onto her desperately)

GALAXIA: (still drunk) Eee! Rape! Murder! Gerrof! (beats on him w/a sake dish)

MEOWTH & E. BEAR: (sweatdrop) …

(Meanwhile…)

[It's pretty quiet in here. *lecherous grin*]

(Hai. *blinks, then smacks himself* Ahem, anyway…Neko-chan and Kiosuke, unaware of the festival below—)

[Get it on! *snigger*]

(No! Perv! *ahem* Nothing has yet happened…other than the…neck kissing—but anyway! They are still currently—guiltily and nervously—occupied with one another, despite their usual clashing personalities)

[Get to the nasty, you lame-O's!]

KIO: (pulling away nervously) I'm…I'm sorry. I don't know what I was…

NEKO: (fixing her collar self-consciously) Uh…n-no, that's okay. I—thanks for the massage. I'm feeling a lot better now. (climbs to her feet hurriedly)

KIO: (following in suit) Oh. Yeah, you're welcome. (shifts nervously, unable to tear his eyes away despite his embarrassed flush)

(Suddenly a loud cracking boom splits the air, causing the room to light up in a cascade of colors. Both Rocket cadets jump nervously)

KIO: (blink) Oh yeah, the festival! I forgot!

NEKO: (horrified) That's right! They're expecting you! (shoves him towards the door) You should go!

KIO: (hesitant) But…

(There's another loud, quaking boom, and someone comes flying in through the large observational window, shrieking loudly)

NEKO: (jumping back) What the—?!

(She stumbles backwards into Kio, sending them both sprawling to the floor in a compromising heap)

GALAXIA: (jumping up from the heap of rubble) Owwie! I have glass in my yukata!

NEKO: (from the floor) G-chan?! What happened?!

KIO: Oof! (hisses in pain and shifts from under Neko) Ow…hip bone…yeah.

NEKO: (blushing, embarrassed) Oh! (eyes widen further; she jumps off of him hastily) Sorry!

GALAXIA: (weeping drunkenly) Waagh! I got too close to the fireworks stand!

NEKO: (sweatdrops) Ano…Galaxia, let's get you fixed up.

GALAXIA: Okay. (sniffling childishly) I think my obi's ripped…

KIO: (irritated) Hey. In pain here, too, y'know!

NEKO: Then go find yourself a Band-Aid, you baby! (shoving him out of the room) Now get out—we're changing in here! (slams the door on him)

KIO: (sweatdrop) Huh. So much for the moment.

(James comes running down the hall, huffing loudly in exertion)

JAMES: Ah…ah…! Kio! Did you happen to see—

KIO: (sighs & puts a hand on James' shoulder) You just missed her. Come on, let's go get a drink…the girls should be awhile.

JAMES: (hopeful) Ooh, yes! Order up a plate of hot wings as well, and I'll take you up on that offer! (runs off for the bar laughing madly)

KIO: (shaking his head sadly) Gotta' get me some new peeps…

[Since when is Kiosuke ghetto?]

(Since I wrote it in the script, homey. Now shut up)

[*indescript grumbling*]

(I'm getting a headache…)

Scene III

(Back at that pet supply store…)

GIOVANNI: Yes!

CLERK: No.

GIOVANNI: Yes!

CLERK: No.

GIOVANNI: (turning purple) YES!

CLERK: (getting fed-up) Sir, we don't have in-store loans! You'll have to come back later when you have some cash.

GIOVANNI: I don't want to wait until later, you MINDLESS TWIT! I WANT MY "HAPPY KITTY-MEOW CHOW" NOW!

CLERK: No.

GIOVANNI: Yes!

CLERK: (yelling towards the back) Manager?!

GIOVANNI: (calming somewhat) Fine! You leave me with no choice…(clasping his hands) Please?

CLERK: (thoughtful pause) … No.

GIOVANNI: Grrr…!

(That's becoming frightening)

(So anyway, on a nearby road off the edge of a forest…)

[Just curious, but why are we going everywhere but to the actual story?]

(Because we've got LOTS of extra funds to burn)

[Okay. Just asking. TALLY-HO!]

MISTY: Any answer yet, Ash?

ASH: (putting down the payphone w/a puzzled expression) No. I think I got the answering machine.

BROCK: What'd it say?

ASH: (further puzzled) Something about some remote mountaintop and bran muffins…I don't know. Religious pilgrimage or something, I guess.

MISTY: (confused) She's in Tibet?

ASH: (shrug) I dunno'. Let's just see if we can find a bus or something.

MISTY: No way! No more busses!

BROCK: What's her damage?

ASH: (sigh) Don't ask… (blinks suddenly) Um, Brock…you're still wearing that apron. Just that apron.

BROCK: (irritated) Yeah. So rub it in.

MISTY: (sweatdrop) Let's try someone else. Who else do we know who lives nearby? (looks at remaining change) Because we sure can't afford long distance.

ASH: (huffily) Well if you'd just wait until after six, we could afford it!

BROCK: Hey, isn't Team Rocket's Secret Hideout nearby?

MISTY: Yeah, you're right.

ASH: Huh. Some 'secret hideout' if you both know about it.

BROCK: Look up their number!

MISTY: (horrified) But they're bad guys!

BROCK: So? We need help.

MISTY: Yeah, but…they could assault us or something—steal our Pokémon.

ASH: (cringe) Or belittle us with petty insults and torture us with their horrible motto…

(They all collectively shiver in horror—"Urrgh!")

BROCK: (torn-looking) But…but…I'M WEARING AN APRON FOR CHRIST'S SAKES!

ASH: (thinks, then nods eagerly to that) Okay, call them. I'd trade them Pikachu just to get Brock some clothes.

MISTY: You've got a point. (hurriedly grabs for the phonebook & starts searching)

DIRECTOR: (turning to the producer) I'd say these funds are going towards a good cause, wouldn't you?

PRODUCER: Yep. Definitely. More caviar?

DIRECTOR: Ooh, please.

(*muttering something about corrupt production companies & so forth*)

[This is the mid-season special?]

(Try explaining the perks some other way)

Scene IV

(Things have calmed down somewhat at the Yin&Yang Hot Springs Resort)

[Somewhat?]

(Yes, somewhat. We find our favorite troupe of heroes gathered around the resort's elaborate bar)

JESSE: (chewing out James) I told you not to eat until the fireworks were over! We were suppose to watch them together! It was suppose to be romantic!

JAMES: (still stuffing his face) How's it s'pose to be romantic with all these people around?

(Jesse smacks him over the head w/a plate. Then—just for the hell of it—she kicks over his bar stool in frustration)

JAMES: Yaaa—OOMF!

KIO: Sorry, Jesse. I didn't realize he wasn't supposed to eat.

JESSE: (taking a seat at the bar) Oh, it's not your fault, Kio. Bartender!

BARTENDER: What'll it be, miss?

JESSE: (heavy sigh) Fuzzy navel, please. Heavy on the liquor.

MEOWTH: Oh great, ya got her started, James! (kicks James irritably) Now dere'll be no stoppin' her!

KIO: (to Meowth) Jesse's not a heavy drinker, is she?

JAMES: Only when she's driven to it.

(Meowth nods in agreement and steals the last of the hot wings. James jumps up hastily, grabbing onto Jesse's arm pleadingly)

JAMES: Jeeee-sseeeeee, don't do it! I'm sorry! The festival's not over just yet!

JESSE: Lemme go, James! It's just one drink! (tries to shake him off)

JAMES: (glomping onto her waist in desperation) Please, please, please, PLEASE, don't start binge drinking, koishíi! We can do something else that's romantic! Eee-hee-hee!

MEOWTH: (eye roll) Embarrassin'. Da way he throws 'imself at her mercy.

KIO: (shaking head sadly) It's not lookin' good for male-kind.

(Galaxia, giggling excitedly, comes rushing into the bar and throws herself at the complimentary beer nuts)

GALAXIA: Yay! Beer nuts!

(Neko-chan follows shortly, rubbing a temple & sweatdropping silently. In light of the festivities, she's changed into a light pink yukata w/a pattern of cherry blossoms and embroidered with translucent, silver butterflies)

NEKO: Ugh. Don't ever try 'cleaning up' a drunk who flew through your window!

JAMES: (turning from Jesse momentarily) You missed the fireworks!

NEKO: Yeah. I figured. (flaps a hand dismissively) No matter. Bartender, get me a—

(Kio jumps at her, pinning a hand over her mouth hurriedly)

KIO: Not you too!

NEKO: Mmmmphff! Gerroffame! Mmmm!

JESSE: (sweatdrop) I can just feel the love in here…

MEOWTH: Some vacation…Jesse, pass me anotha' of dose hot wings.

(Sighing hopelessly, Jesse shoves him the plate, nursing her drink sullenly. Meanwhile, both James and Kio are busy restraining Neko-chan...)

JAMES: You mustn't resort to drinking!

KIO: You're not even old enough to drink!

NEKO: (whining) But this is a vacation! Come on, lay off! (weep)

GALAXIA: Here, Né-chan, have some beer nuts! (smiles cheerily)

[Author's Note: Galaxia's yukata is pale lavender with silver designs embroidered over it. Just thought I'd tell ya]

(Just ta tell ya?)

[No one gets the joke, y'know]

(*sweatdrop* So, what about Jesse's?)

[Um, yellow. A very pretty yellow with rose buds and embroidered rose petals scattered along the hems]

(Ah, kawaii, de shou?)

[Hai. Now back to the story]

JESSE: Oh G-chan, you're still sloshed…(sigh)

MEOWTH: Somebody get dis goil a cold bath.

KIO: …

NEKO: (seeing his look) No baka hentaii! (smacks him w/a harisen)

GALAXIA: (tee hee hee) How funny! I feel fine! (falls off her bar stool)

(Everyone shares a collective sigh, even the bartender)

MEOWTH: No more parties for you, missy.

(Galaxia pouts angrily)

NEKO: (looking around suddenly) Oh great, where'd E. Bear get to now?

(Wait, what about the guys!)

[What about 'em?]

(What are they wearing?)

[*irritated* Clothes, that's what! Now shut up! Talk about role reversals…]

JESSE: (thinking) Hmm, he's around here somewhere, I suppose.

NEKO: Great. Guess I gotta' go look for him again.

MEOWTH: Probably lookin' up skirts somewhere.

GALAXIA: (poutily) Little pervert. (starting to look green) Urrgh, Né-chan, I don't feel so good.

NEKO: (sweatdrop) Let's get you to your room first, neh? (helps carry Galaxia away)

KIO: (to the others) I'll go check out the festival and see if I can find E. Bear.

JESSE: Not much of a festival left to search, but have fun…

JAMES: (nervous) Jesse, that's going to be your only drink, riiiiight?

JESSE: (cracking a grin) Oh, James, where's your sense of fun? We're on vacation!

JAMES: (groan) Oh, I think I'm going to need a drink, too.

Scene V

(On a completely different note…)

DIRECTOR: We think you interfere too much.

[What?!]

PRODUCER: We feel you add too much of your two-cents to the story for our liking.

(Come on! We're just informing the audience! We help explain little plot nuances)

['Artist license' mean anything to you guys?]

PRODUCER: I'm sorry, boys, but we're going to have to replace you. At least for now.

DIRECTOR: As soon as the special's over, you can have your jobs back.

(This is insane! You can't just fire us! We're the most important element of the story!)

[Is this about the clothing descriptions?]

PRODUCER: Like I said, I'm sorry.

(Alright then. Who's your new fancy-pants narrator, then?)

DIRECTOR: An associate of ours has volunteered, and we took him up on the offer, seeing as how he's going through a bit of a hard time.

GIOVANNNI: Now, Mr. Haigney, I'm confused. Do I have to speak in all caps, or in boldface?

(YOU'RE REPLACING ME WITH TEAM ROCKET'S BOSS?!)

DIRECTOR: (to Giovanni) No, Mr. Giovanni, just the boldface. Don't pay attention to our current narrator's example.

PRODUCER: Hey, we like to help those in need.

[He's only IN NEED because of your—]

PRODUCER: Do you want your job back when this is over?

(Um, this makes no sense. You can't fire the author)

DIRECTOR: Hmm. (turns to producer) He's got a point, Norman.

PRODUCER: (looking at a clipboard) But we need him to shut up, Michael. Ratings are plummeting.

[Hey, that's not my fault! Blame this cheesy, sappy plot twist you've got going on!]

DIRECTOR: Um, you wrote it.

[*pause* Um, it's his fault then. *points to the narrator*]

(Thanks a lot)

[Don't mention it]

PRODUCER: That fact aside, you're both out of the project for the time being. Mr. Giovanni, if you will…

GIOVANNI: Thank you, Norman.

DIRECTOR: Sir, you need to get in boldface now.

(NO, NO, BOLDFACE IS MINE YOU BACKSTABBING BASTARDS! DON'T TOUCH MY $# %^&$ BOLDFACE! *runs away insanely w/the keyboard*)

PRODUCER: (sigh) Michael…Call security.

[*sweatdrop* He's really not helping himself…]

TO BE CONTINUED…