(9/29/01 — 10/13/01) A Piss-Drunk Special, Part IV: The Touching Conclusion









Scene I

(Do I have to say the scene title? What? Oh—OH! *ahem* Our first scene—what? You want me to…? I don't understand? What? Turn the what off? … )


*cue standard issue elevator music*

JAMES: What happened to the narration?

JESSE: (totally drunk & falling all over him) (sweetly) Jamesie-wamesie, the bartender man says I've overextended my tab! Buy me a drink-sie?

JAMES: … (sweatdrop) …Uh…(sweating nervously as she begins to unbutton his shirt) …Jesse—koishii—don't you think you've…eep!…had enough drinks for one night?

MEOWTH: Let alone one vacation.

JESSE: (adorably pouting) ((she's REEEEALLLY drunk…)) What's 'a matter, darling? Don't you like me when I'm all loosened up? (eyelash flutter)

(Meowth and James share a look)

MEOWTH: She's got a point—can't believe I'm sayin' dis…—she is a whole lot betta' like dis.

JAMES: (looking connivingly thoughtful) Yes…very…

JESSE: (climbing into James' lap & giving him the innocent-eye treatment) So…One more drink? Pre-tty, pre-tty, pleeease, honey? (coy look) I could always pay you back some…other way, hmm?

JAMES: (blank stare of a truly lost man) …Uh…uh-huh…

MEOWTH: (ready to gag) Where did everyone else go again? 'Cuz I need to be there. I have a feeling 'naughtiness' is about to ensue…

(He could be right, there)

JAMES: (snapping out of it momentarily) Hey, there's the narrator!

JESSE: (grrr) …!

(She grabs his face roughly & pulls him back around)

JESSE: Buy me a drink now, sweetheart, or no playtime!

JAMES: (terrified) EeeeE!

(On to other things…Is this really how they behave in public?)

*Pre-translated—of course—for your viewing convenience*

CHAN-SAW: How come you're all at home alone?

RAICHU: Dunno. They forgot us or somethin', y'know.


CHAN-SAW: Now what's he yammering about?

LICKITUNG: No one really knows anymore.

VICTRIBELL: We can't seem to get him to take his Ritalin. (swallows Arbok's head)

ARBOK: Mmmphff! Curses! Let go of me, you filthy cretin!

FLAREON: Must we entertain ourselves this way?

RAICHU: Ah, go hump a 6-pack of Ballpark, y'know.

FLAREON: (gasp) How dare you! I never! (stalks away to do just that)

CHAN-SAW: Sometimes I wonder why I hang around a bunch of raging psychotics like you. This is one of those times.

LICKITUNG: Now you're mumbling too? Hey, can I lick your head?

CHAN-SAW: (brandishing her chainsaw in terror) AAGH, GET BACK!

(What the—?! What is this; 'tonight on Wild America'?! This is utterly pointless & irrelevant to the rest of the story!)

DIRECTOR: Yeah, but it's funny! Isn't it? (girlish giggling) Tee hee!

(…he pays you, he pays you Right. Um, okay, anyway…so, back to the…story. Uh, Neko and her drunk little friend what's-her-name—)

GALAXIA: Waaagh! The narrator forgot my name!

NEKO: Oro? (blinks as Galaxia falls over & passes out) ((-remember, she is drunk))

(…Yeah…Galaxia. Anyway, those two go to Galaxia's room where Neko is dropping Galaxia off to sleep off the effects of all the sake she downed)

(Neko somehow manages to drag her friend into the room and drops her somewhat unceremoniously onto the bed)

NEKO: Oof! No wonder they call it a 'beer-gut'! Sheesh!

GALAXIA: (suddenly sitting up) Ha! I'm awake!

NEKO: Would've helped me a lot sooner!

GALAXIA: Sorry! ^_#

NEKO: (sigh) 'S'okay. You sleep now. I'm gonna' go back down and make sure Jesse hasn't seduced 'ol Jimmy-boy into buyin' her more booze… (goes to leave)

GALAXIA: (suddenly sober) Hey, Neko…something wrong? You're acting…weird lately.

NEKO: (blinks at her slowly) No. I'm…(looks thoughtful) I am acting weird, aren't I?

GALAXIA: (nervously pressing her index fingers together) You're acting all funny-like…around Kio…this isn't like some sort of mid-life crisis thing, is it? I mean with the hot flashes and maternal guilt complex thing…

NEKO: WHAT?! (blushing) N-no! That's—no, that's not it! (sobering again) There's something about this place, though. I just can't quite put my finger on it…

GALAXIA: Like it's controlled by some demonic spirit that eliminates people's inhibitions and draws out their deepest, darkest desires in order to feed its own feelings of betrayal deriving from some hundreds-of-centuries-old, tragically destroyed romance, trapping it within the walls of this resort as a form of eternal damnation?

NEKO: No, that's ridiculous! I think it's the water.

GALAXIA: (blink) Oh, right. It could be that.

NEKO: Definitely the water.

GALAXIA: (getting oogly-eyed) ((I think she's drunk again)) Or it could just be this overwhelmingly romantic atmosphere, you know! Like today, I almost had feelings for Meowth when we were at the fireworks! (frown) Well, but then my vision cleared and I attempted to gag myself…so maybe not…

NEKO: (sigh) G-chan, lay off the crack.

GALAXIA: Hey, I'm a drunk, not a crack-head! Get that straight! (promptly passes out again)

(New scene already? Yeesh, this thing jumps around so much I'm getting motion sickness…!)

(*sigh* So anyway, back in the resort's nice, cozy anteroom…)

JAMES: (nervous) Uh…Jesse? Jess-chan? Meowth…how do I get her to stay upright?

MEOWTH: Prop 'er up with some pillows, Jimmy. Now pipe down—I'm watchin' Friends! (cranks up the volume & stares engrossed-like at the television)

(James obediantly proceeds to suffocate Jesse in a wall of fluffy pillows, who has finally passed out from her drinking binge)

JAMES: La, la, la…! ((-way too easily amused))

(Hey, where are these smart-assed comments coming from, anyway?)

((Nowhere. Go back to narrating))

(*monotone voice* Yes, master…Hey, what the?!)

JAMES: (strained) La, la, la… ((he's trying to ignore 'the voices'))

MEOWTH: I said shut up! (throws a coaster at James)

JAMES: Eep! (ducks behind the mountain of pillows holding Jesse up)

JESSE: …mmm…?…more pudding, James-chan? You rogue…! (drunken, passed-out giggling)

JAMES: (pouting) I buy her two more drinks and this is what I get? Even 'dream' me is getting more action than I am!

MEOWTH: Don't feel bad. Chandler never gets any either and his friends still think he's witty and lovable.

JAMES: Yeah, but everybody thinks he's GAY!

MEOWTH: (cheerily) Hey, so you're even more alike dan I thought!

(We now allow a momentary respite for James to properly beat the living snot out of Meowth. … End respite)

JAMES: (dusting his hands off smugly) So, Meowth, who are you most like, then?

MEOWTH: (twitching painfully) Urrgh…pain…!

JAMES: (cheerily) I know! You're like Marcel, the monkey! And…Jesse's like Rachael, because she's the hottest, of course, Neko's like Monica…well not really but we'll just pretend. (thinking hard) Hmmm, who's left?

MEOWTH: (mostly recovered) What about Galaxia?

JAMES: Oh, that one's obvious. She's like Joey!

MEOWTH: Whaaa—?! (face faults)

JAMES: What? She's not?

KIO: Who's not what?

JAMES & MEOWTH: WAAAAGGGHHH…! (face fault violently)

KIO: (sweatdrop) I found E. Bear.

E. BEAR: (shaking his head sadly) Eeevil…

MEOWTH: (to James) So, who's Kiosuke like, huh?

JAMES: (quaking nervously) He's like…scary!

MEOWTH: (jumping up in Kio's face) Do dat again and I run ya over with my car!

JAMES: It's not our car, Meowth. It's the company car!

MEOWTH: (jumping down) Details, details! (turns the volume up a couple more notches & goes back to watching Friends)

KIO: …Um…((-really disturbed)) …Anyway, where is everyone?

JAMES: Neko hasn't come back yet from dropping off Galaxia. (points sheepishly at Jesse, who has tipped over and is now drowning him in pillows) And Jesse passed out from alcohol poisoning.

KIO: That was fast.

MEOWTH: Blame it on James. You shoulda' seen 'im loading 'em off on her.

JAMES: I was not! I was just being helpful!

MEOWTH: To your libido.

JAMES: It's times like these that prove the wisdom of not teaching Pokémon how to TALK.

MEOWTH: And it's times like dese dat make me wonder how a creature so DENSE somehow retains the ability to.

KIO: (sweat drop) I think I'm gonna' go look for Neko…You coming, E. Bear?

E. BEAR: (hastily) Evil!

(Run! Run as fast as your little legs permit!)

Scene II

(Where are my Tums? … Oh! So, anyway, back to Neko-chan)

NEKO: I wonder if those guys are still down at the bar or they all passed out somewhere?

(Where is she anyway?)

DIRECTOR: Hey, you're the narrator—you're supposed to tell us!

(Oh, damn)

ASS. DIRECTOR: Another plot-hole?

DIRECTOR: I think the author is pissed-off.

CAMERA MAN: No kidding.

(Guys?! Ahem!)

ALL: Oh. Sorry.

NEKO: (pausing suddenly) What the—? I just had the weirdest feeling… (looking around suspiciously)

(*panicking* Uh, uh…A weird feeling, which must have been the cause of…of…)

DIRECTOR: The mysterious stranger!

CAMERA MAN: Yeah, good one, Mike!

(Ah, yes! The mysterious stranger, who was lurking nearby in the numerous shadows)


DIRECTOR: Shut up! (clobbers him w/his clipboard)

(*through his teeth* You imbeciles are going to ruin it…!)

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER: Hmmm…this girl…She may be more of a challenge than I had expected.

CAMERA MAN: (cheerily) Because she's a bitch!

(Can we gag the stage crew by any chance?)

(The mysterious stranger's eyebrow twitches warningly, but otherwise she ignores the stage crew)

M. STRANGER: So stubborn and afraid…What makes you so afraid? (thoughtful)

NEKO: (spinning around nervously) Creepy…My mind's playing tricks on me. (laughs nervously) Ha, ha, Neko, you've gotta' stop watching those psycho-killer flicks!

M. STRANGER: (another eye twitch) I'm insulted. (collects herself again) Well, young lady, your fears are fruitless. I will show you what your fears are keeping you from.

CAMERA MAN: I don't get it.

DIRECTOR: She's being evasive. Shush!

ASS. DIRECTOR: That is SO like a woman! (the Director stomps on his foot) OW!

(*sigh* Meanwhile, down an adjoining hall…)

KIO: This is getting redundant. How many times have I gone off to find people now?

E. BEAR: Ee…evil?

KIO: No. Seriously. (sigh) Jeez, where'd she run off to, anyway? And why am I looking for her? I thought she was going to drop off G-chan, but when I got to her room, all I found was Galaxia passed out and muttering about giant toast-monsters and some evil house thing.

E. BEAR: (shrugs) Evil.

KIO: (looks down at E. Bear w/a weird look; sweat drops) I'm talking to a bear…

E. BEAR: (grrr) Evil! (bites Kio's leg angrily)

KIO: Yaaagh! (tries to kick him off) I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

(Hopping around on one leg, Kio loses his balance and stumbles forward into someone who was coming around the corner in the opposite direction)

KIO: Aaagh—OOMF!

NEKO: Eeek!

(Meanwhile, E. Bear climbs to his feet dazedly, stumbling around w/swirly eyes)

E. BEAR: E…ee…ee…e…eh?

(The hall being practically pitch black, Neko and Kio haven't quite figured the situation out yet)

NEKO: (terrified) Whaaa—what the?!

KIO: (embarrassed) Sorry! Sorry! Uh, I…Neko?

NEKO: (freeze) Kio? (blushes crazily) Um, WHAT exactly are you doing…?

(As our heroes' eyes adjust, we find them in a rather uncomfortable situation. Kio apparently had fallen straight into Neko, sending her sprawling on the floor w/him balanced rather precariously over her)

KIO: (blushing nuclear red) Um…I…heh, heh…(waits nervously for her to clobber him)

NEKO: (blushing further) Kio…

KIO: (opens one eye hopefully) Huh?

(Opening both eyes, he finds himself staring down at her, entranced. Neko is doing the same to him)

M. STRANGER: (from the shadows; smiles softly) Finally…You are both mine.

CAMERA MAN: (crying in frustration) I still don't get it!

M. STRANGER: (dives on him in anger) SHUT UP!

KIO: (jerking at a sound; looks around suspiciously) Whaa…What was that?

NEKO: (awkwardly pulling herself to a seated position) I don't know.

KIO: (eyebrows furrowed) Is it just me…or is this place…strange?

NEKO: No, I feel it—

(She freezes as Kio suddenly turns back to face her, and the two of them realize how close they are once again)

NEKO: (blush returning) Kio…I think we should…

(He silences her by leaning forward and kissing her hesitantly. She looks shocked for only a second, and then grabbing his arms nervously, she returns the kiss eagerly)

M. STRANGER: (turning away from beating the camera man to a pulp w/a triumphant grin on her face) YES! It is done!

CAMERA MAN: (crying rivers) Owwiee!

KIO: (finally pulling away; blinks in surprise) Did I just…?

NEKO: (astonished) Uh, yeah. Kind of.

KIO: (still amazed) And did you…?

NEKO: (nodding breathlessly) Uh-huh… (gazes at him longingly)

(Pulling her to him again, Kio kisses her again, this time w/no hesitation)

ASS. DIRECTOR: (cornily) Aw, how romantical! ^_^

(Regaining his wits, E. Bear spots the two love-birds & decides to make his feelings known as well)

KIO: (jumping) OUCH! Damnit!

NEKO: E. Bear! I told you to quit doing that! (attempts to tear the bear off of Kio's arm, where he has clamped on w/a deathgrip)


(Oh, God…)

M. STRANGER: (jumping up triumphantly) Now! I will have my revenge! After all these long years of loneliness and damnation! The hour is at hand!

Scene III

(So, to recap, our two heroes, Neko-chan and Kiosuke, have just shared a "special moment" in the halls of Yin&Yang Hot-Springs Resort—)

KIO: Neko-chan!

NEKO: Kiosuke!

KIO: Neko-chan!

(No, not like that! This isn't Fushigi Yuugi, people! So anyway, out of nowhere pops the mysterious stranger who has been lurking around since the beginning of this special, & is apparently some sort of psychotic soul-sucking demon…)

KIO: What the—?!

NEKO: Psycho bitch! (cowers behind Kio in terror)

M. STRANGER: (grinning maniacally down at Neko) You, with all your petty fears and stubborn will, it is I who has brought your true feelings out to the open! And now…With the budding feelings buried deep within both of your hearts, I will tear your souls apart and be free of this eternal hell that was forced upon me so long ago by the one whom I thought loved me most!

KIO: (sweat drop) This sounds like an anime… (turning to Neko) You don't have any superpowers I don't know about, do you?

NEKO: Shut up and let's get out of here!

(The two get up and—wisely—run. Like hell)

KIO: (pant) Where are we running to?

NEKO: How should I know?! I'm just following the blind animal instinct buried w/in my psyche!


NEKO: (irritated sigh) Oh. Right. Guys, big words. Got it. (freeze) Wait, where's E. Bear?!

KIO: Right here. (raises his arm, to which the bear is still ferociously latched onto) Um, he doesn't have rabies or anything, does he?

(E. Bear's eye twitches angrily, a blood vessel in his forehead popping. He bites down harder)

KIO: (gritting his teeth) S-sorry I asked. (tries in vain to shake E. Bear off again) God damnit, it's like Chinese hand-cuffs!

(Neko spots a room off the hall which is apparently empty)

NEKO: (grabbing Kio's arm hastily) Come on! In here!

KIO: Gotcha'!

(They run in, Kio shutting and bolting the door behind them, and then they pause to catch their breaths)

NEKO: You think we lost her?

KIO: I hope we lost her! Jeez, what the hell was that all about?!

NEKO: I don't know, but (eyes wobbling) I don't like this place anymore, y'know!

KIO: (sweat drop)

NEKO: (concerned) Do you think the others are okay?

(Cut back to the lounge where Jesse & James are passed out on the couch amid a mountain of pillows and Meowth is watching re-runs of ER)

JESSE: (mumbling in sleep) One more drink, bartender…

JAMES: (ditto) Mmm…stop that, Jesse—it tickles! (sleepy giggling)

(Another cut to Galaxia's room, where G-chan is now up and making a fort out of her blanket and some chairs)

GALAXIA: This week on Survivor, torrential rains dampen spirits in both tribes. Will the alliances hold out against the flood? (in man's voice) "This is it. Jerry's driving me up the wall. The bitch has gotta' go." (in snotty voice) "I'm so hot, I bet I'll win."

KIO: (sweat drop) I'm sure they're fine.

(They stand in silence for awhile, nervously looking over the room & avoiding each other's eyes)

NEKO: (nervously) What she said…about how she controlled us…is it true?

KIO: What do you mean?

NEKO: I mean, did you really…mean that back there? (furious blushing) Oh, God, just ignore that. Forget I said anything.

KIO: (smiling affectionately) Yeah, I did. Did you?

(She looks at him, surprised, then looks away in embarrassment)

NEKO: I…I don't know.

KIO: (looks thoughtful for awhile, then walks up to her) You did, didn't you? Did you hear what she said? She didn't control us, she simply…

NEKO: (understanding) …Affected the feelings we already had.

(Smiling softly, Kio nods. Raising a hand to her face, he freezes suddenly, making a face. E. Bear is still hanging from his arm, growling in annoyance)

KIO: (dryly) This is really getting to be a problem…

NEKO: (laughing) Stupid bear…(tickling E. Bear's chin teasingly, she gently extracts him from Kio's arm) There you go. Bear free.

KIO: (rubbing his arm testily) Evil bear…

(E. Bear ignores him and snuggles further into Neko's arms)

VOICE: Yoo-hoo!

NEKO: (jumping into Kio's arms) Yipe! It's her!

(Kio pulls her further into the room, putting himself between her and the door)

KIO: Quick! Get away from the door!

NEKO: How are we supposed to get out of here?!

M. STRANGER: (slipping straight through the door; grinning friendly-like) There you are! How nice—you're already cornered and everything!

KIO: (glaring fiercely) Jeez, back off, bitch—what's your damage?!

NEKO: You're a ghost, aren't you?! What do you want with us?

M. STRANGER: (getting wobbly eyed) With you? Nothing personal, y'know, I just want my revenge!

KIO: (sweatdrop) That makes no sense whatsoever.

M. STRANGER: Bear with me please.

(E. Bear, who has been looking increasingly pissed by the ghost's intrusion, suddenly leaps out of Neko's grasp and latches onto the mysterious stranger's arm)

M. STRANGER: (shrieking) Aaaggh! Eeek, gerroff! (flailing her arm madly)

NEKO: I knew that talent would come in handy some day.

KIO: Um, isn't she a ghost? How can he bite her?

NEKO: (grabbing his arm & running for the door) Let's not give her a chance to figure that out!

DIRECTOR: Hmm, these plot-holes are numerous and intriguing.


NEKO: Where are the others?!

KIO: Head for the lounge! Hopefully they're still there!

(Meanwhile, the mysterious stranger/ghost chick has gone SD—that is, super-deformed for those of you unfamiliar w/the term—and has proceeded to have a tantrum upon the floor in an attempts to shake E. Bear off)


E. BEAR: (grrr) …

GHOST CHICK: Hey, wait a second, you numbskulls, I'm a ghost! (glares at E. Bear) Get off, you mangy furrball!

(E. Bear promptly falls through her arm to the floor, looking disappointed)

E. BEAR: Eeevil…

GHOST CHICK: Oh shut up—I do not taste that gross!

Scene IV

(We return once again to the resort's lounge…)

(More suggestive giggling from the two passed out on the couch…)

MEOWTH: (getting irritated) Wake up, numbskulls! (hits them both w/pillows) You're making me sick!

JAMES: (jumping awake) Wha—wha's goin' on?! (rubbernecks wildly)

JESSE: (yawning) Ugh…what's all the ruckus? (cringes painfully) Oh, God, my head feels like a semi ran over it…

(Kiosuke and Neko-chan suddenly dash into the room, panicked looks of terror on their faces)


KIO: Um, now might be a good time to cut our vacation short, you guys!

MEOWTH: (ticked) Now what's goin' on, you blabberin' idiots?

GALAXIA: Haunted?! I'm scared!

NEKO: G-chan! I thought you were in bed—where'd you come from?!

GALAXIA: (blink) I don't know.

JESSE: Urrgh…Everyone quit yelling, already! My head feels like it's splitting.

JAMES: (sigh) I told you not to binge drink, koishíi…

NEKO: Can we just leave already? I think I've had enough fun for one day…

JAMES: (pout) But we have all-week passes!

JESSE: We hardly even did anything!

JAMES: (mutter) Except pass out drunk.


KIO: (hurriedly) Hey, look, I'll reimburse you, let's just GO!

GHOST CHICK: (popping out of the nearby wall) Hey, I didn't say you could leave! Get back here!

ALL BUT NEKO & KIO: AAAAAGGHHH! A GHOST! (predictable spazzing)

(Yeah, we've figured that out by now)

JAMES: (nervously) Hey, yeah, I'll take you up on that offer, Kio!

GALAXIA: Home sounds nice now!


GHOST CHICK: (pout) Aw, come on! Why is everyone so scared of me! All I want is revenge against those who betrayed me in my lifetime! (wobbly eyed again) It was the summer of my eighteenth year, and I was young and naïve…


GHOST CHICK: Hey, come back here! I'm not finished!

JAMES: Quick, who's got the car keys?!

(And so our heroes escaped the accursed hot-springs. The end)

PRODUCER: That's not the end.

(Aw, come on!)

DIRECTOR: (impatient glaring) Giovanni…

(Alright, alright already! *mutter* Cheap bastards…)

Scene V

(Even though nobody cares about this part…)

DIRECTOR: Hey, isn't this your paycheck? Oh, whoops! Was that zero supposed to be there?

(*hastily* The next day, back at Team Rocket's Secret Hideout…!)

TV REPORTER: …due to mysterious circumstances, the new hot-springs located just west of here was shut down earlier last night. No further information on the matter has been released to the press…but if there's one thing us reporters are good at, it's getting the dirt. So stay tuned to WTMR for the shocking inside scoop on the Yin&Yang Hot-Springs scandal! And now, for the weather…

JESSE: Do you think they took care of that ghost?

MEOWTH: 'Course dey did! You can't leave loose strings like dat just hangin', y'know.

JAMES: Besides, it was only after Neko-chan, anyway! I think… We're safe! (Jesse hits him) What was that for?

GALAXIA: I can't believe I was right about it being a damned soul locked w/in the walls of the resort, just waiting for some innocent soul in which to facilitate it's revenge!

(Everyone sweatdrops)

EVERYONE: Galaxia, lay off the crack.

GALAXIA: (weep) Would everyone quit saying that?!

(Outside on the porch…)

NEKO: (leaning on the rail & watching the stars) Think she'll come after us?

KIO: (drowsing on the porch swing) Hmm? Who?

NEKO: The ghost, idiot! Who else?

KIO: Oh, her. (looks up thoughtfully) I have a feeling we don't have to worry about her.

NEKO: (rolling her eyes) Yeah, well, I have a feeling it's cold out here and you're a whack-job…

KIO: (grinning) Need me to warm you?

NEKO: (grrr) You're still at it?

KIO: (shrugs & sobers) I'm just trying to act normal, after all the weird stuff that's been going on.

NEKO: (sigh) Don't bother. I don't think things will ever be normal again.

KIO: Not with a spaz like you around.

NEKO: Shut up, Kio.

KIO: Make me, Né-chan.

(As the scene begins to turn decidedly dangerous—or kinky—E. Bear suddenly pops out of nowhere, and latches himself onto Kio's arm)

KIO: Oh, man! Not this again! (crying rivers) Come on, Neko, get him off!

NEKO: Hmm, I think not. (evil grin) It looks good on ya, Kio-chan. ((-it's the Big Red slogan!))

KIO: You know I'm gonna' get you for this, right?

NEKO: I didn't do anything. (laughing evilly)

KIO: Come on! It's your stupid bear!

NEKO: (shaking her head hopelessly) Goodnight, Kio. (goes inside)

KIO: Aaarrgh! (looks down at the bear on his arm dejectedly) At least she called me "Kio-chan".