How Twilight Should Have Ended

James sniffed the air and rocked back on the balls of his feet eagerly. This was it. The moment they had all been waiting for had come. He glanced over at his companions. Laurent was sitting Indian style on the ground reading the dictionary and Victoria was doodling a picture of the three of them torturing a group of what looked like small children.

"It's time," he stated.

The other two peered up at him, sinister smiles curving across their lips. They leapt nimbly to their feet and strode over to stand by him as he surveyed the white house in front of them.

"All right, Laurent, you take the school. Victoria, take the house. I'll hunt down the reddish brown haired one and his snack, er, girlfriend. Kill anyone who gets in the way. Or whoever tastes good, I'm not picky, really.

As Laurent disappeared, he glanced at the paper in Victoria's hand.

"Is that the group of kindergarteners we ate when we went to Ireland on our honeymoon?"

"Not quite," she answered. "I decided to illustrate what it would look like if we replaced them with these…Cullens. You see," she pointed to the drawing, "that's the doctor there, and that's the youngest son..."

As she went on to describe their bloody ends, James smiled faintly to himself, remembering why he loved her.

They parted ways, and he plunged into the forest.

Laurent stalked forward, keeping to the shadows. This served only to cast him in more suspicion in the eyes of the passing students and teachers, but he ignored that detail. He gazed through one of the outside windows and muttered irritably under his breath. They were all in class. Normally slaughtering them all would have been a pleasant prospect, but it might draw attention to them too early. So, he contented himself to reading while he waited. He sank to the ground, and, after looking about warily, pulled out his favorite book. He became so engrossed in the story after a few minutes, that he didn't become aware of the shadow hovering over him until the person it belonged to spoke.

"Who are you and what are you doing here?"

He raised his eyes to meet those of the teenage girl looking down at him.

"I'm here to write a report on the effectiveness of the school's curriculum." He smiled dazzlingly, but the girl just frowned at him. She wasn't fazed a bit.

"Oh really, then why aren't you inside?"
This made him pause; he didn't have an answer. Waving a hand in front of her face, "This is not the droid you are looking for."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm immune to Jedi mind tricks, sorry." She peered at the cover of his book which he clutched protectively. "Is that…Harry Potter?"

"What," he demanded, panicking, if Meyers ever found out…. "What do you care?"

She smiled faintly for the first time since he had met her. "I adore Harry Potter. And here I was thinking you were just another stupid, sparkly vampire! Wait," she held out a wand.

He fished his out of his cloak.

"Cool, is that blood wood?"
"Yep, Phoenix tail feather core. And yours…?"

"Ebony, dragon heartstring, ten and a half inches."


"Then will you help me slaughter Alice, Emmet, Rosalie, and Jasper Cullen/Hale in cold blood?"

"Of course, that sounds like fun!"

Victoria tilted her head, listening to the two elder Cullens.

"Really, Carlisle, I don't think watching someone while they sleep is very healthy to a relationship. It might be considered by some to be…stalking."

"Hmmm….you're right; I'll talk to him about it."

"Good, I just hope he listens to you. More tea, Jacob?"

The pedophile werewolf replied, "Yes, thank you, Mrs. Cullen."

"Of course. You know you're always welcome here because you irritate that annoying brat, Bell…I mean, because you mean so much to Bella," Esme replied in her overly cheerful manner.

Victoria put a hand to her nose. So that was where the smell was coming from.

She sighed and strode boldly into the kitchen.

The Cullens and Jacob froze, looking up at her.

"Greetings," she said making a Vulcan hand sign. This was gonna be fun.

James crept forward, following the melodramatic teens' scents. They were walking hand in hand through the forest while the human girl gushed over how 'gorgeous and godlike' she thought Edward was. It made James want to puke. Suddenly, they stopped.

"What is it?" Bella asked.

Edward didn't answer. Instead, he wheeled around, shoving her behind him, and faced James.

"Get back, Bella. I will protect you with my amazing sparkliness. You aren't smart enough to figure out a plan anyway."

"Of course," she agreed.

The urge to vomit increased.

"Good grief, man, you're a jerk," James exclaimed.

"….What?" they questioned in simultaneous bewilderment.

He continued, "Why exactly are you two dating again?"

They didn't answer for a minute. "Um, he was…like, hot." "And….she smelled good."

"So you're not really in love, are you?"

Silence met his words.

"And another thing, typically, worshiping your boyfriend or girlfriend isn't good. And you're just…a controlling jerk who lets her beat up on herself." He didn't add that he personally thought they were both idiots. "If I told Victoria half the things you tell her, I would be dead by now."

Again, silence followed his statement.

"Um….so, why are you here?" they asked.

"Oh, I'm here to give my overdramatic monologue, cackle madly, kill you both, and be rewarded by the people of Forks for performing a community service."

"No, I will stop you!" Edward proclaimed, stepping forward so his sparkly skin would blind James.

Nothing happened.

"Epic Fail," and he pounced.