31The rattling golf cart zoomed down the sidewalks of Gotham's busy downtown, causing pedestrians to shriek and jump out of the way. The Joker, who was the group's designated driver, was set on hitting someone or something and doing a pretty good job. Zigzagging onto the curb and into the streets, the psychotic clown had already managed to destroy several food and newspaper stands, cause a car pileup, chase a homeless man down some stairs, and drive through the small city pond.
"I feel sick," Al groaned, clinging to his seat and desperately wishing the cart had seat belts.
"Can we listen to the radio? Please, please, please?" Harvey begged.
Crane rolled his eyes and shoved Harvey's ugly head out of the way. "Why couldn't we have taken a taxi like normal people? It would have been a muster faster way of getting to the mall." he covered his face with his hands, noted the irony, and screamed, "Oh, right! Because I'm not with normal people! I'm stuck with a self obsessed ninja, a whining corpse, and a stupid clown who thinks stabbing himself in the leg is fun!"
The Joker pulled his knife out from his leg and threw it at a random pedestrian. "Least I'm not a potato head."
"That's a terrible come back!" Crane said. He reached into his coat and gently petted his mask, trying his hardest not to cry.
The Joker looked into the rear view mirror and mischievously grinned at Harvey. "You, uh, wanna listen to some music, Bacon Face?"
"No, Harvey! Don't give into peer pressure!" Al pleaded. "Just say no! Just say no!"
Harvey excitedly, but naively nodded, clapping his hands together.
Cutting across the street and running over several jay walkers, the golf cart headed toward a parade that was just turning the corner. It seemed like a perfect plan to the Joker at first. He would simply go straight forward and part the band like the red sea. What he hadn't expected was for a mother with a stroller to randomly decide to cross the street as well.
"No! Not the baby!" Crane shouted, jerking the wheel sharply to the left. The cart turned on its side wheels and zoomed into the Gotham City Mall, crashing through the glass doors and speeding past all the shops.
"Now, where oh where did our dear Gordy say our book would be?" asked the Joker.
"Let's see," Al said, pulling out an unnecessarily detailed map of the mall and a bag of coupons. "He said it was at…Barnes and Noble. Yes, that is the place! Ooh! I and just so happen to have a buy one get one free coupon! Isn't that-"
"Can we stop at Build A Bear?" Harvey innocently asked.
Al's eyes turned on the poor man and in an unearthly voice, thundered, "You dare to interrupt me? Do you know who I am, you mortal fool? I am the great Ras "Al" Gul!"
Artificial thundered echoed from the speakers and a group of ninjas danced around the cart, throwing sparkles in the air.
"You have got to be kidding me…" Crane muttered, covering his face.
"I have lived for thousands of years and have seen the rise and fall of civilizations!"
"Oh my!" the ninjas shouted.
"I have lead armies through the most dangerous lands and the most treacherous seas!"
"How brave!" echoed his minions.
"I have fought the strongest warriors and have defeated them all!"
"Isn't he handsome?" resounded the followers.
"What do you say to that mere mortal?"
Harvey's one good eye had grown several good inches. Whimpering, he grabbed the unfortunate Crane and sobbed, "I just wanna a Build a Bear!"
The Joker slammed on the brakes, stomped toward the back, grabbed Al by the hair and shouted, "Get him that stupid Build a Bear or I will personally demonstrate how I got these scars!"
Al's larger than life ego was instantly popped. He stared up at his roommate's imitating glare and sniffled, "Okay," and ran toward the shop with Harvey skipping along behind.
~Four Hours Earlier~
Jim Gordan was running around his office like a panicking turkey, knocking over paperwork and file cabinets and screaming his bushy head off. His fellow officers were standing outside his door and office window; some laughing, others recording him on their phones, several not really sure how to react, and others, mostly the older officers who had worked with Gordan for years, rolled their eyes and placed bets on whether Gordan would jump out of the window or climb into the air vent.
(Because you see, Gordan believed that whenever his mustache twitched, that something bad was about to happen. Thus, his blood pressure shot up and he went into serious panic mode.)
"We're all going to die!" he screamed, rushing toward the crowd of amused/terrified/not really sure how they felt police officers. "We have to save the penguins before it's too late!"
The crowd laughed/screamed/kinda stared at Gordan.
"My mustache knows! It's twitching!"
Out from the crowd, an older police officer pushed through and glared at Gordan. "Gordan, what have I told you about upsetting head quarters? Do I need to give you a sedative?"
"But the penguins!" Gordan exclaimed, throwing up his arms.
"There's no buts about this, soldier."
"My mustache is having a seizure! You have to save us!"
"Gordan, just because your mustache is having a convulsion does not mean that the world is going to end!"
"You don't know that! Something really really bad is about to happen. I'm sure of it!"
At an unplanned, but perfectly timed moment, the Joker fell through the ceiling and landed on Gordan's desk.
There was an awkward silence.
Then the crowd burst into chorus of unmanly screams and charged away, leaving Gordan triumphantly shouting, "I knew it! I knew it! I-"
He looked down at the amused Joker.
"Well, that's the, uh, last time I use this deodorant." The clown mused.
Gordan blinked, suddenly realized that the entire police station had evacuated the building, promptly screamed, "HOLY SHIT!" and ran around his office once more.
"Shit is not holy," Crane muttered as he shoved Harvey down through the hole in the ceiling.
The four villains were soon assembled, but it took a while before Gordan finally passed out, became conscience, screamed, passed out again, and was finally revived successfully.
"Now, Mr. Gordan," Al began in his most business like tone, "we have come here, because you seem to be the sort of man who would be able to assist us in our greatest hour of need."
Crane raised an eye brow, Joker snickered, and Harvey lopsidedly grinned at the ceiling.
"Okay, not really. You're actually a really bad last minute resort." Al said, correcting himself. "But anyway, you're a married man and since none of us are married, we need someone who can help us with a particular situation."
"Does it involve penguins?" Gordan suspiciously asked.
"…no."
"Oh. Okay, then." Gordan instantly seemed to relax and cheer up. "How can I help you?"
"Well, a certain nemesis of ours has recently presented a challenge to us." Crane explained. "We must…entertain, so to speak, a certain female tenant. We must offer an invitation, she must on her own terms agree to accompany us, and she must have a pleasurable time."
"So…this is a date?"
"No. No!" Al shouted. "A date involves two individuals! This is merely an outing involving one lady and…four guys…" he frowned as if he was suddenly realizing that the opportunity to have some alone "date" time with said tenant would be extremely impossible.
"Five's an odd number," Harvey helpfully pointed out.
"Shut up! You're ruining my fantasy!" Al snapped.
Gordan stroked his mustache and in a very wise and unnaturally high pitched voice said, "I know just the book. My dear villains, to know everything there is to know about a woman, there is only one source that will tell you everything there is to know. For a low price of 19.99, Women for Dummiescan be yours!"
"Oooh! Awww!" the villains cooed.
"Wait a minute," Harvey said. "You mean we have to go out and buy the book? Why can't we just barrow yours? I promise we won't bend the corners."
At that moment however, a SWAT team hurried into the room, shooting at every living thing in sight. Gordan climbed up into the air vent and the four amigos flew through the window.