Hey everybody! I'm back with my first real attempt at a humorous story called A Very Espada Christmas. It'll be a few chapters long, so please enjoy the hilarity that will ensue!
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. If I did, I would probably be too busy drawing instead of writing Fanfictions
1: 'Tis the Season to be…Wait, What?!
If one were to ask the Espada what Christmas was, they would most likely respond like so.
Starrk: You interrupted my nap for that?!
Barragan: It doesn't sound very regal.
Harribel: Wait, it's that—uh…
Ulquiorra: Sounds like a trash word to me.
Nnoitra: What the fuck is Christmas?!
Grimmjow: Do you really think I give a shit?
Zommari: It's a human holiday celebrating the birth of the Christian's Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Szayel: Can I experiment on it?
Aaronierro: If I can't eat it, I don't care.
Yammy: … (he's not the brightest at these kinds of things).
Aizen found this to be unacceptable.
So it's no wonder Aizen called in a special Espada meeting to enlighten them on the season. He called them in rather early and had a chipper expression on his face as they all sat down. Needless to say, their expressions weren't as joyful when they had to wake up at such an early hour.
"My dearest Espada, it has come to my attention that none of you truly know what Christmas is about."
His sentence was answered by an abnormal amount of coughing and shifting in chairs. Aizen took notice of this and asked, "Would any of you like to take a guess as to what it is?"
Once again, more coughing and shifting of chairs. Zommari, however, shot his hand up and moved around eagerly like an impatient elementary school kid who knows the answer to a question.
"It's a holiday the religious Christian humans celebrate; it's the day Jesus Christ, their lord and savior, was born, Aizen-sama."
Aizen smiled even wider.
"Very good Zommari. However, we here at Hueco Mundo are nondenominational; that and the fact that I am the only Lord and Savior you will be worshipping, so we're leaving the religious aspect of this holiday out."
Most Espada were too tired to hear him say the "Lord and Savior" part.
Aizen clapped his hands together and continued, "Now, back when I was a Captain of that deplorable Soul Society, we used to celebrate Christmas every year. It was a time of love, caroling, good will towards men, and of course, getting presents."
Most Espada weren't tired enough to ignore the fact that Aizen had said "love" and "good will towards men".
"Being the generous God that I am, I have decided that we shall replicate that feeling back here in Hueco Mundo. And although it doesn't snow in this desert, we shall do the best we can to put on the best Christmas Party ever!"
The Espada were silent at first, until Aizen dropped his happy-go-lucky face and replaced it with his narrowed glare and massive outpouring of reiatsu, forcing them to clap.
When the clapping subsided, Aizen's cheer resumed. "Now this is where you Espada come in. I have decided that in order to make the party better, you will all have Secret Santa's."
Aizen could tell by the lack of response they didn't know what "Santa" was. Sighing, he answered for them:
"Santa is the person that makes every kid on Earth whatever gifts they want and on Christmas night, he delivers them in his sleigh to every house in the world."
This time, Szayel raised his hand.
"I find it highly improbable that one man—in a sleigh no less—could go to every house in the world in one night. He would have to be a master at sonido to do such a thing."
"Well, he does Szayel, so do me a favor and don't question it."
Nnoitra raised his hand now.
Aizen was clearly getting annoyed now. "Yes Nnoitra?"
"So he just breaks into people's houses at night to give presents? That's fucked up! How do they know what he's really doing in there; he could poison their food or kill them in their sleep. Why are people okay with that?!"
"You know what," Aizen started, "I don't know why, Nnoitra. He just does and people accept it. Just leave it at that!"
Nnoitra slumped back in his seat and grumbled something under his breath.
Aizen sighed yet again as he put his palm to his face, shaking his head. "Anyways…in order to replicate what Santa does, we're having what we call a 'Secret Santa', where all of you get a secret person that you have to buy a gift for."
He produced a big red box with a circle cut in the top. "Now each of you come up here and put your hand in the box. You will pick one piece of paper with one of the Espada's name on it. Do not look at the paper until I tell you to. Let's start with you Starrk."
Starrk yawned, stretched, and lazily got up to put his hand in the box. He produced one piece of paper and sat back down. All the Espada then got up in order of their rank, picked up a piece of paper, and sat back down.
When all of the Espada got their paper, Aizen said, "Now look at your paper, but don't tell anyone whose name is written on it."
The Espada did as they were bidden as they all opened up their paper. Some groans could be heard, while some snickers could be heard as well. When the noise died down, Aizen continued.
"Now I need to set down some ground rules on what you can or cannot do. Rule number one: The gift must be bought; there will be no handmade gifts. Number two: All of you must also buy me a gift. Number 3: Espada ranked one through five must also buy Gin a gift, and Espada ranked six through ten must buy Tosen a gift. Number four: You will each be given $100; $25 must be spent on your fellow Espada, another $25 must be spent on either Gin or Tosen, and the remaining $50 must be spent on me. Do you understand?"
All of the Espada nodded.
"Very well," he finished, "The party will be in two days from now. You must all go to the human world within that time and purchase your gifts. Are there any questions?"
When no one raised their hands, Aizen bid them ado. "Go and think about what your fellow Espada like and spend your money wisely. Meeting dismissed."
All of the Espada clambered out of their seats to go back to their own personal chambers. Most were going back to sleep, while only about two were actually thinking about what to buy.
What insanity will ensue as the Espada are released into the World of the Living to buy some gifts.
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