If I was a Shinigami.

A Bleach one-shot.

Author's Note: I wrote this story in one day as a Christmas present for a friend. Assume this all just before the start of the show and I'm a self-insert. Also as a side not to anyone waiting for the next chapter in my Mass Effect Fanficiton. Next chapter should be out before the end of the year. Reasons as to why, will be in the next chapter.

(Division 1)

"As I glaze into my crystal ball, the future shall open to me... I see... I See...I SEE-"

"GET OFF ME!"

(Scene break)

Mean while at 11th division, Kenpachi was playing Yachiruball. This consisted of throwing Yachiru at the wall and catching her as she bounced back. Yachiru was the one who came up with it and insists that Kenpachi do it all the time. All of sudden Kenpachi stops and cocks his head to the side.

"What's wrong Kenny?"

"I hear the screams of the damned."

As if on cue I go runnning by screaming "I'm sorry that I used your head as a Crystal ball!" This was followed by Yamamoto chasing after me in full Shikai form screaming back "I don't care!" Kenpachi stands up, grabs Yachiru, and puts her on his shoulder.

"Come on Yachiru! There's a fight with my name on it!"

Conclusion: With Kenpachi and Yachiru trying to find where Yamamoto and I were, accidentally crash through several Division headquarters while thinking there were fighting Yamamoto. This leads to all of the shinigami having an all-out brawl with each other and me getting away. In the chaos Aizen 'accidentally' got stabbed 75 times with his ownZanpakutō.

Rank: Rankless in 1st division (Formely 14th seat.)

(Division 2)

Soifon was currently at her desk working on paperwork when the door slid open and through it came her lieutenant. Soifon paused and looked up. "You're not my lieutenant.'

At that 'Ōmaeda' got offened. "What? Are you telling me that you don't believe that I am Marechiyo Ōmaeda, but that I am an imposter. And that the real Marechiyo Ōmaeda is currently in a medical induced coma in 4th Division because even Captain Retsu was sick and tired of him. And are you also implying that I took his Clothes and Armband to even further make me seem like him. Madam you insult me!"

Soifon just cocked an eyebrow and said "You need to get a haircut."

"I refused to get it cut like that. It's a horrible haircut."

Conclusion: Everyone is aware that I am just an imposter of Marechiyo Ōmaeda but no one cares. Not even his own family. Marechiyo Ōmaeda is in the coma until I do something that they can blame on him and then demote him back to unranked. I am then made lieutenant for proving my self on an 'classified infiltration mission that lead to an enemy of Soul Society being rendered harmless.'

Rank: Lieutenant (formerly unranked)

(Division 3)

Two rankless third Division were staring wordless, and with no color in their face.

"They've been smiling at each other for three days." It was true. Gin and I were having a creepy smile contest for the last three days. However Gin was ready to snap right about...now.

"OKAY OKAY! YOU WIN! JUST STOP SMILING!" I didn't. "STOP IT PLEASE! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!? YOU WANT TO BE CAPTAIN!? FINE YOU CAN HAVE IT!" At that he throws his coat at me and runs screaming out of the room. I take the coat, put it on, then go to his, well now it's mine, desk and look through the drawers.

"Let's see here. Porn, porn, porn, Sake, porn, porn, porn, all of Aizen's plan with Gin's and Aizen signature on them, more porn, flashlight, and porn. Jesus, how much porn does one person need. Oh wait I found a Copy of Ranma 1/2- wait that just Ranma porn. No wonder Gin was always smiling."

Conclusion: Aizen was arrested and found Guilty of Treason due to the plan I found. He was able to escape at the Last second but lost use of his Right arm and eye due to Kenpachi. Gin was found huddling in a corner in 4th division and is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation. He just mutters to himself and has been deemed not a danger to others or himself. In all the confusion I was made permanent captain due to Yamamoto just signing all the paper work and an obscure law that says if a person says that they are an Captain and and the Captain-Commander signs the paper saying that they are.

Ranking: Captain (formerly unranked)

(Division 4)

"Get him to the burn ward! He has 3rd degree burns to 45 percent of his body. Anyone knows here the hell is Hanataro?"

"Right here!'

"Good get this man to X-ray. I need to know if one of ribs punctured his lung."

"Right!" Hanataro got behind the gurney and took of running towards the X-ray room. That was the last of the patients that were in critical condition. Everyone else in the ER where either the Walking wounded or carried the patients here. So I spoke what was on the entire 4th divisions mind. "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED THAT CAUSED THAT MANY PEOPLE TO BE INJURED!" One of the 11th division members spoke up.

"Captain Kenpachi crashed into 12th division labs and caused several experiments to go critical. He got lost and asked Yachiru for directions" At that I face palmed. "Even when they're not trying they give us more work."

Conclusion: Not much happened other then I got promoted an extra seat for my actions during the emergency.

Ranking: 12th seat (Formerly 13th seat.)

(Division 5)

"I have to go to an all Captain's meeting again. So You and Momo just hold down the fort while I'm gone." Aizen ordered us while he was getting ready to go. Momo saluted him. "Yes sir Captain Aizen!" I slapped on the back. "You get them Captain Aizen." He smiled and left the office. After 90 seconds I turned to Momo. "He's clear of the building." Momo nodded "Do it." I pulled out a detonator out of my robes and pushed the button. A loud explosion is heard and a scream. Aizen's glasses come through the open window and landed in front of Momo. She crushed them underneath her feet. She spoke to me. "Thanks for showing me what a horrible person he was." I shrugged "You think an Evil Genius of his Caliber would learn to not leave his evil plans laying around.

Conclusion: Most of Bleach story Arc is solved before even the Soul Society Arc. Ichigo and His friends live long and happy lives and it takes three years for Rukia to get her powers back and winds up graduating with Ichigo and company.

Ranking: Lieutenant with Momo as Captain. (Formerly 3rd Seat.)

(Division 6)

"Greeting CaptainByakuya. Greeting Lieutenant Renji." They both nod at me before sitting down in their seats. That is when the sounds of breaking wind fill the air. Renji immediately reaches under himself and pulls out a Whoopee Cushion. Renji starts laughing and Byakuya, in an out of character moment smiles.

Conclusion: This leads to a three way prank war between myself, Renji and, surprisingly Byakuya. This leads to when Byakura and Renji have to get Rukia them thinking this was a rather eleborate prank on my part due to the fact Rukia would never turn traitor against Soul Society. Due to that they hide the fact they have captured Rukia until they can get back to, thus ruining all of Aizen's plan.

Rank 5th seat.

(Division 7)

"You know that if you tell anybody about this I will hunt you dow and kill you right?"

"Yes Captain Sajin. Also you don't have to threaten me. I'm not about to tell anyone that I have to give my Captain a Flea bath due to the fact I'm the only one in my division that is the only one tall enough to reach his back during it."

Conclusion: Well not much other then every Saturday evening I have to give Sajin a Flea bath. I quickly get promoted due this and the fact this allows me to pratice with him afterwards.

Ranking: 3rd Seat.

(Division 8)

"Okay... I think that he finally down." I was standing over Captain Shunsui who was on the floor with a large welt on his head, while I was breathing heavily over him. Nanao has next to me with her hair messed up and her glasses knocked off. I point to her. " We keep him drunk no matter what from now on. I do not want a repeat of that ever again." She just nods her head and rushed off to get more sake while I pour the bottle in my hand down the Captain's throat.

Conclusion: Nanao managed to get me promoted to 3rd seat, however all my time was just making sure that the Captain was drunk, making sure we had enough Sake to keep him drunk, or knocking him out if we ran out.

Ranking: 3rd seat

(Division 9)

"It was a dark, cold, rainy day. Actually it wasn't. In Soul Society it always seems to be Warm, bright and sunny day but that spoils the mood. I was told to investigate the disappearance of Shinigami Rukia of Division 13. She disappeared while on routine Patrol in the Human world and I was about to investiagate what happened to her." That was when the lights turned on. I looked to the door and saw Lieutenant Shuhei at the lightswitch. "I know the he are the investigative brach of the Goten 13 but lose the Fedora and trench coat."

"Come on! Do you realize how long it took me to find these in Soul Society. Like two tailor even knew what I was talking about!"

Conclusion: When I was hunting down where Rukia was I stalled for time trying to wreck Aizen's plan. However he had planed for such a thing and Sent Byakura and Renji anyway. To make up for it I help them break into Soul Society and was able to stop Aizen from escaping. This was due to shooting him in the spine with my Zanpakutō which of course was a revolver do keep in the theme of Noir.

Ranking: Lieutenant as a reward of stoping Aizen (Formerly eightenth seat)

(Division 10)

I walked into the Captain's office "Captain Hitsugaya I have so more finished Paperwork... Where is he? Lieutenant Matsumoto have you seen the Captain?" She just shakes her head. I leave the room and close the door. When I do so I hear Matsumoto burst out laughing and she spits out. "He didn't...see you...even though...you were in.. front of him..." I hear the Captain say. "I would hurt him if I knew he doesn't do it on purpose and the fact he seems to like doing my paperwork for me."

Conclusion: I look down now when asking for the Captain. He pretends to not notice that I have to look down to see him and Matsumoto gets a good laugh whenever we meet.

Ranking: 4th seat (Glorified Secretary.)

(Division 11)

"Alright Time to break in the new guy." Kenpachi throws open the Dojo doors only to see Yachiru there. "Yachiru have you seen the new guy?"

"No Kenny. At least that what he told me to say when he gave me this candy." Kenpachi looks at the large pile of candy in front of Yachiru.

"Well can you tell me where he is."

"Sorry Kenny he made me pinky promise not to tell you." Kenpachi looks frustrated.

"Never mind! I'll just find him." He then proceeds to run right through a wall and doesn't stop. When he leaves a Cardboard box that was next to Yachiru gets up and starts to make it's way to the door.

"Bye Candyman! Bring me more candy next time!"

Conclusion: I managed to make it to the Human world in the box. I was decleared MIA when everyone really knows I deserted but no one tried to find me due to the fact that they all felt sorry I got stuck with Kenpachi.

Ranking: Traitor

(Division 12)

"Now it's time for the next test subject... I mean beloved member of my Division. Where is he?"

Captain Mayuri was looking around the room trying to find me. He eventually wanders out of the room. Thankfully he didn't look up. I was currently holding onto a pipe attached to the wall and praying to every deity that I know of to not let him see me.

Conclusion: I managed to get away from Division 12 and I am currently hiding in the Shinigami Women's Association building working for them.

Ranking: President of the Shinigami Women's Association newsletter. (Bribed Yachiru with Sweets for her Position)

(Division 13)

"Alright Captain. He'll treat you with isoniazid, rifampicin, and pyrazinamide for two months, followed by isoniazid and rifampicin for four months. If all goes well you should be fully cured. Just keep a surgical mask on for this time because the last thing we need is for a Drug resistant strain to infect someone during that time."

"Thank you (Cough) No one was been able to cure me. How are you able to?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Before I was hit by that Ice cream truck I was a Biochem Major in college.

Conclusion: The treatment went fine and after six month Captain Ukitake was cured. He was so happy he promoted me to Lieutenant.

Ranking: Lieutenant (formerly unranked)

(Karakura Town)

"Oh Orihime! You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life. Come with me and We'll check into a love hotel and-" Chizuru gets cut off by a soccer that hits her in the head.

"Back off Chizuru!" "Who asked you Tatsuki! How dare you get in the way of our true love."

"YES I AGREE CHIZURU! WE WERE MEANT TO BE!" I run up and hug on of Chizuru legs.

"AHH! Get off me you man! I hate men!" She is currently kicking me, and then runs off screaming when I finally let go.

"You okay?" Tatsuki asks me.

"I'm fine. If only we could get her into Karate club. She could clean house with the strength in her legs alone. Oh yea!" I snap my fingers. " I got a gift for you!" I hand Tatsuki something.

"It's a shoe." She says deadpan while looking at it.

"Correction. It's Chizuru's shoe. I grabbed it while she was kicking."

"Sorry you have to do that everyday just for me." Orihime apologies.

"It's okay. I like bothering her by giving her a taste of her own medicine." At that the bell rings and we quickly gets to our seats. The teacher walks in and begins class.

Conclusion: I damn nearly drive Chizuru insane with my behavior and makes friends with everyone. I wind up taking Yoruichi after 'mistaking' her as a 'poor defenseless kitty.' The surprising part was that she kept coming back and acting as a house cat. Later on I asked her why and she admitted that against her wishes she really likes the taste of cat food. I also help Ichigo rescue Rukia in the Soul Society Arc, during which I punch Aizen in the face and knock out some teeth.