A/N: Oakey doke. I'm doing this story as a challenge I saw on FF by Lunar Kitty Kat and basically I really loved the idea plus it gives me an excuse to write a story that's both Puckleberry and Finchel! So here's chapter one (and hopefully I'll update a lot quicker than I usually do). Story title comes from Alanis Morrisette's song 'Ironic'. The spoon bit has no real connection to this story, I just thought the song fit.
Spoilers for everything really; although this is an AU from 1x11 Hairography.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. There are a few lines in here from the actual episode too; Puck's one line and the start of the convo between Kurt and Quinn.
Chapter One: Just the Beginning
Quinn Fabray liked to think she wasn't a particularly deceitful person. Her mother had taught her that every lie or particularly cruel thing was necessary in the life of the High School elite and that by habitually attending confession she would stay as pure as intended and no-one would be the wiser. And then four words made their way into Quinn's life and tore it apart.
Wine. Coolers. Noah. Puckerman.
Nothing could fix that. No lie, no cleverly aimed insult, no increased amount of confessing could cover up the fact that Quinn had lied and cheated and gotten pregnant to someone other than her boyfriend. His best friend.
Some could say, and Quinn believed this strongly, that it was Glee Club and Rachel Berry who started this all. Either way something needed to be done to fix this. She had already been kicked out of her own home and if she wasn't careful, she would be kicked out of her replacement home. And so she did what she did best; made a plan.
She could either try her baby's real father out on a test-run, see if he lives up to her standards, if he can prove to be the father he wants to be, so that when the Hudson's kick her out, she'll have someone to shelter her baby or she can con Finn into 'accidently' cheating on her so that they're both in the wrong and all will be good again. She hopes.
So in true Quinn fashion she decides to attempt both objectives and still come out on top. There was just one leeetle flaw in her plan. She needed Rachel to help. As much as she despised the idea, Quinn knew that of all the people in Glee, Rachel was the only one Finn was attracted to sexually. Trust her, she'd seen him staring. Besides she didn't trust anyone else with Finn, Santana was too hot, and Quinn only wanted slight cheating not full-on 'romping in the sack' cheating, Brittany was as intelligent as Finn himself so neither would even think to makeout, Tina was too hung up on Artie and Quinn knew Mercedes scared the bejesus out of Finn so it was a no-go there and under no circumstances whatsoever was Kurt being given the chance to turn her boyfriend gay. So Rachel it was, Quinn knew she wasn't opposed to physical interaction with the opposite sex – thanks to that infamous celibacy club meeting – plus she was smart enough to stop anything before it got too serious. As well as she was starting to grow on her, but tell that to anyone and you'll feel the full force of Quinn's pregnancy – uber-bitch – hormones.
Finding Rachel wasn't the hard part, seriously the girl practically lives in the auditorium, the hard part was actually convincing her to spend time with Finn.
"Look I know we don't get along that well and normally I wouldn't ask favours from you but really you're the only one who can do this," Quinn said upon cornering Rachel during their lunchbreak,
"Uh Quinn? I really don't think it's a good idea. I've got to help my dads with things and can't Kurt help? He's the only one I trust to have more dance experience than me," Rachel muttered and Quinn wasn't sure if it was a good thing that she was trying to avoid being alone with Finn. So the big guns were going to have to be pulled out, Rachel wasn't the only one who could cry on demand.
"I know and I'm sorry, it's just that Finn and his mum have done so much for me lately and he really needs help with the Don't Stop Believin' number and I know you choreographed almost all of it and I would help him but I just really need some time to myself. I would ask Kurt but I don't think he likes me all that much and I'm a little worried because he keeps making eyes at Finn and Finn seems to dance better with you anyway," she burbled, letting her eyes well lightly with tears knowing that no-one could deny the sweet-looking upset pregnant teen look. Rachel's cheeks flushed,
"Umm...I suppose I could help him for an hour or so. That should be an appropriate amount of time for Finn to at least pick up the more basic yet essential steps for the number. But I really cannot offer more than that hour; my fathers do need my help as neither of them quite knows how to set the karaoke machine up properly."
Internally Quinn cheered, thankful that the tears had worked. Phase one seemed to be complete.
"Karaoke?" she questioned, partly out of courteousness and partly out of personal curiosity.
Rachel smiled shyly, "My fathers often have monthly cocktail-type parties which is more so a blatant excuse for them to invite friends over and to get completely inebriated. The karaoke is only one minor part of the amusement. That and the fact none of the supposed mature adults quite realise that swimming pools and alcohol never mix well."
Quinn laughed, "Next time you should invite the Glee club and we'll make a night of it." she said as a partial olive branch to the unfortunate fate she was thrusting on Rachel – the other woman to counterbalance Quinn's accidental 'other man'.
A hesitant nod greeted Quinn's suggestion as she waved lightly and organised to let Finn know he would be meeting Rachel at her house on Friday evening. As Quinn walked away, lightly rubbing the side of her slight baby bump she felt a pang of hope that if all of this didn't work out, maybe she still might get a friend out of Rachel in return.
Dodging several younger giggling Cheerios and that creepy Jacob kid, Quinn finally came upon the object of phase two.
"Puck!" she called out softly, grabbing his arm lightly as he turned to look at her,
"Hello Ms. Fabray. Aren't you looking nice and pregnant this fine lunchtime? And how is our dear baby-mama and my baby?" he drawled and Quinn hit his arm as hard as she could while still looking subtle.
"Puck! Shut up. While I may take back calling you a Lima Loser, I will not call you the father of my baby. However you have a chance to redeem yourself. What're you doing Friday night?"
"Just the usual. I was gunna stand outside the Seven-Eleven looking depressed until someone offered to buy me beer. I'd say you're welcome to join me but the baby bump might put people off," he said, "What's it to you?"
Quinn rolled her eyes, this was the guy she was thinking of letting help raise her baby? "How'd you like to help me babysit instead? And you can show me just how good with children you are." she said and Puck smirked,
"Oh you know I'm good with children. I'm not a deadbeat like my dad, I practically raised my sister and she turned out fine. A little slow but she'll live. Who're we babysitting?"
"Mr. Schuester's nephews. They're around your sister's age anyway. You can meet me there. Bring your guitar."
Without waiting for an answer to her demands, Quinn span on her heel and marched back up the hall. Now there was only phase three to complete. And there he was.
"Hey Kurt. Can I pick your pink brain for a second?" she said, partially running to catch up with the self-declared fashionista.
"Why hello Quinn. To what do I owe the honour? I do believe this is the first time you've ever spoken to me." he proclaimed. Quinn sighed and plastered a cheerful smile on her face.
"I'm sorry about that. Anyways I have a proposition to make. A makeover!" Quinn held back a laugh at how quickly Kurt agreed,
"I'm in. Makeovers are like crack to me. My suggestion? Spanks, or a double-knit camisole with a control-top for the baby bump-"
"Not for me. For Rachel."
Kurt laughed, "And why would I wanna do that? I admit I like a challenge as much as the next guy but Rachel somehow manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time."
"My point exactly." Quinn stated, "And that's why she needs your expert help. I spoke to her earlier and she mentioned something about her fathers hosting a cocktail party on Friday evening. And while I can't guarantee it, if you can somehow transform her, maybe the judges won't treat us too harshly at Sectionals because of her."
Kurt seemed to be thinking hard about it, "Alright. I cannot deny that I haven't wanted to get that girl into something that isn't a plaid skirt or an argyle sweater. I'll see what magic I can perform." he decided and Quinn mentally cheered. It appeared everything was going to plan, soon enough Finn and Rachel will have – hopefully – made-out and given Quinn an argument to throw back when Finn accuses her about the baby not being his, and Puck will have – once again hopefully – proven himself to be an decent father-figure to her, their baby so Quinn can stop worrying about what will become of them when it all comes out. That thought made her feel a little better about screwing so many people over.
But because nothing ever goes exactly to plan, no-one could have guessed what happened next.
A/N: I give you permission to ignore that last line. I don't think it makes very much sense. Anyway here's chapter one which is kinda more of a prologue-type thing. Any thoughts? I know I kinda shuffled Quinn's character up there but I didn't really like her that much in the actual episode with the way she was so adamant about Finn being the baby's dad until this point when she's like oh maybe I'll give Puck a chance. Anyway so I made her a bit nicer and the whole she and Rachel maybe becoming friends is just my internal hope that next season Quinn ends up living with Rachel and her dads (cuz that'd be one of the funniest things ever).
Some things in this will be the same as the actual episode and some not so much. So it's up to you guys, what do we want next? Quinn and Puck's night or the Kurt, Finn and Rachel night? Ooo and if anyone wants to do a story based on my vague mention of the Glee kids at Rachel's dads cocktail night let me know! I've had that idea in my head for ages!
Anyway should update again soon. And a thank you to my bestest friend ever who I conned into reading over and checking my grammar for me. Love you!