Written for Tylah for the Jello Forever Secret Santa. Prompt: 'who stole the cookie…no, it wasn't Rigsby.' Enjoy!
Also, just to be clear: I don't own anything. Not even said cookie.
Who Stole the Cookie?
Lisbon stood there in all of her fiery glory. It might have been Rigsby's imagination, but as he blinked at her with fear, he thought he may have glimpsed smoke steaming from her ears and flames burning in her eyes.
But alas, once he peered closer he realized that there was neither smoke nor fire. Just her intimidating death glare. He took a moment to be thankful that human beings could not send lasers from their gaze. He was sure that fact had saved many a person from Death by Lisbon.
Cho glanced up briefly from his work. He had only looked back down for a few seconds before his head rose, his boss' fury obviously just sinking in. "Um, something wrong, boss?"
Lisbon scoffed. Understatement of the century. "Is something wrong?"
Her growl reverberated through the bullpen and Van Pelt flinched. This wasn't good.
Lisbon took a step forward—unfortunately, that step put her closer to the members of her team, who visibly shrank into themselves, trying to become as small as possible in the hopes of making themselves smaller targets for her anger. All but one. That one lounged lazily along the couch, seemingly unaware of imminent danger.
"Did you just ask if something was wrong, Cho?" The petite agent's hands went to her hips as two guys from Narcotics ambled into the bullpen from across the room. They froze, sensing Lisbon's wrath without seeing her. Their joking countenances fell and they slowly, as if trying to keep out of the notice of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, turned their heads to see the senior agent of the Serious Crimes Unit. Oh yeah. It was time for a hasty retreat. Within moments, it was as if there had never been an interruption and Van Pelt knew that the two would warn the rest of the building. For their well-being, of course. Nope. There would be no more interruptions. Everyone would be sure to steer clear of the Serious Crimes' desks.
Because Lisbon didn't often get this angry. But when she did, it was best to keep the casualties to a minimum. Johnny from Internet Crimes had never quite recovered. Emotionally. And his superiors always wondered why he avoided macaroons at the annual Christmas parties…
Lisbon stepped forward once more, the soft click of her heel echoing like the crack of a gunshot in the room that seemed to shrink by the minute. "Someone. Ate. My. Cookie."
She enunciated very clearly. Just in case they didn't understand the severity of the situation. Her eagle eyes turned to Rigsby, the most obvious choice.
Panicked, he waved his hands and started to shake his head in frantic denial. "No, boss. I swear! It wasn't me! I brought plenty of lunch and fruitcake from my mum. I still have it at my desk. See? See?!"
He pointed with a fervor to his desk where there was, indeed, a massive tupperware of what seemed to be fruitcake. Lisbon nodded briskly. She knew Rigsby wasn't stupid. He wouldn't risk eating her cookie unless his food supply was depleted. Okay. Suspect one: innocent. Her gaze transferred to the next.
"I pack my own food every day." Van Pelt's plaintive reasoning was logical. The rookie did always pack her own food and made sure never to step on anyone's toes by eating food that belonged to someone else. Suspect two: innocent. Lisbon crossed her arms as she wordlessly looked to Cho. Her gaze had just barely brushed him and he spoke, tone monotonous and matter-of-fact.
"It was Jane."
Her eyes narrowed as she zeroed in on the culprit. His eyes remained closed and his breathing even, but she was sure he had heard it all and was merely faking his slumber. He had dared to eat her cookie?! Her scrumptious, melt-in-your-mouth, kill your lover and hide his body, disown your brother to get one, delicious cookie?
Who did he think he was?
She contemplated the situation. How to emphasize the full weight of his crimes? How to make him understand just how wrong it was to touch anything that she claimed? …especially that cookie.
Couldn't yell at him. She did that often enough already.
Couldn't suspend him. He'd probably just pick the lock to her apartment and lay in wait until she returned. She shuddered to think of him in her apartment alone, unsupervised.
Couldn't do him physical harm. Not that she didn't feel the urge to kick him. Hard. But (aside from it being assault and/or battery) bruises healed. The pain was temporary. He wouldn't feel the keen loss that she had gone through minutes ago upon realizing that her cookie was gone forever.
Her eyes caught sight of grey in her peripheral vision and a sinister smile spread across her face. The team trembled in fear, wondering if they should warn the consultant. A harsh and penetrating stare from their boss destroyed any idea of cautioning the blond-haired man who was idiot enough to provoke Lisbon.
The man who thought she was cute when mad. Cute. Really.
After over five minutes of complete and utter silence, Jane couldn't bear the wait any longer. What was she doing? He cracked open one eye and noticed that the team had gone back to work. Ah. Lisbon must be back in her office. He opened his eyes and grinned openly. Now maybe he could go ruffle her feathers a bit since she'd cooled off. She never returned to office if she hadn't blown off at least a little steam. He figured his body would be safe now. Sitting up, he swung his feet over the edge of the couch. Except they didn't touch the floor.
Rather than the hard tile, they encountered something soft that slid a little as his shoes rested on it. Leaning down, he picked up a mass of grey cloth. Neat little strands of cloth piled together.
As he looked closer, dread began to build inside for the first time since this whole debacle started.
When he realized what he was holding, what he was staring at, he gasped loudly. His colleagues looked over to him, some in sympathy, some with a feeling that he had only asked for it.
In her office, Lisbon smiled in satisfaction as she heard his following exclamation.
"That was my favorite suit jacket!"
Ah, payback was oh-so-good.
The next morning Lisbon discovered an entire box full of cookies identical to the succulent one she had missed out on yesterday. A note lay on top.
I may have been hasty in my choice to eat your cookie yesterday. It won't happen again.
So please kindly refrain from redesigning any more of my clothes. Yes, I did find my extra suit vest. And no, I do not think it makes good strips of toilet paper.
She smiled. His own fault for keeping an extra set of clothes at the office. She wondered when he'd find his dress shirt…
She just knew he'd see the error of his ways.