65In My Blood Like Holy Wine, Part VI
Oh, but you are in my blood
You're my holy wine
You're so bitter
bitter and so sweet.
Oh, I could drink a case of you darling
still I'd be on my feet
I would still be on my feet.
Flashback, Before Joey Leaves New York
His agent had gotten him an audition, a potential part in a new sitcom, an opportunity too good to pass up (at least, that's what she had said). At first he had scoffed at the idea... leaving New York, leaving his friends? He couldn't even think of it, but then Monica started her new tradition of inviting them all over for Saturday dinner, and he realized how little of home was left to him. Heartbreak was quickly swallowing up everything he thought he had known. Watching Ross and Rachel snuggle and laugh, being together and happy, made jealousy well up inside him, and he hated the feeling. He hated the regret. And surrounded by all the paired off couples, just seemed to make it worse somehow. After years of being part of a group, he was suddenly the odd man out.
One of those Saturday nights, Monica's lasagna still warm and heavy in his stomach, he opened his mouth. "So, uh, I've been thinking about moving out to California, you know for new acting gigs."
The silence was deafening, complete. He had squeezed what he had wanted to say after Phoebe's long tale about one of her new clients and what he had assumed would be Ross telling them about dinosaurs again. Their shock was evident.
"You're thinking about doing what?" Monica asks, voice raising to a near screech on the last word, making Joey wince.
"Moving to California," he explains, speaking slowly. "I think it would be really good for me."
Chandler clears his throat. "Is this such a great idea though, Joe? I mean you wouldn't have a place to stay, you don't even know anybody. It would be like starting all over again."
"I know that, but still I think..." Joey began but was interrupted when Ross spoke up.
"- I think it sounds like a great idea. Think about the amount of work you'll get out there."
Joey hadn't expected anyone to really have that opinion and when he makes eye contact with Ross, Joey understands. How many times had Ross caught him staring at Rachel when no one else had noticed? Just a week before Chandler had asked Joey if he was still in love with Rachel and he had answered with a quick and simple "no." Chandler had believed him, but Ross apparently knew better. Perhaps because Ross had been in Joey's shows before, pining.
Monica, Pheobe, and Chandler were opening their mouths simultaneously to argue, but Joey was quick to head them off. "Look, guys, you're not my keepers, and I appreciate it and everything, but -"
"Buddy, we know we're not your keepers, we're just worried is all. This seems sudden,"
Chandler replies.
Joey shakes his head. "I've been thinking about it for awhile."
"You've been thinking about it for awhile and you only say something now!" Phoebe half-yells, having risen out of her chair.
Uh oh. "Well yeah, see I bought the plane ticket and –."
"You've done what?!" It was Monica's turn to be angry now and her screech had risen in pitch to a tone that made Joey's ears ring.
He hadn't really thought it through very far, Joey realizes as he sits there, looking from face to face. Chandler looks hurt and confused, Monica and Phoebe seem just pissed off in general, Ross looks increasingly more and more uncomfortable by the second, and the one face he can't bear to look at for too long is Rachel's. She isn't really looking at him or anybody else really, her eyes are cast down, seemingly watching herself push a piece of lasagna around and around on her plate. But Joey can see the lone tear on her cheek and watches as she angrily wipes it away. She doesn't cry any other tears though, just the one.
"I can't believe you bought a plane ticket without saying anything to us. What about the apartment?" Chandler finally asks after a short stretch of silence.
"The lease is up in a month," answers Joey. "Guys, it really isn't that big of a deal. It's not like we won't see each other again." At least, that's what he has been telling himself to save his sanity... although to save his sanity he was also moving across the country, really it was a double edged sword.
Suddenly, the load noise of a chair being pushed back broke the ensuing silence, and Rachel stood angrily to her feet, throwing her napkin down onto her plate.
"No big deal? How can you say that you leaving is no big deal?" she wasn't yelling but the tone of her voice cut through him like a knife.
So this is what being torn in two feels like. He'd always wondered. After their "break-up" and definitely after her and Ross got back together, Joey had kept his feelings close to his chest. If she knew the real reason why he was leaving, it would hurt her, and Joey never wanted that. It wasn't her fault after all, wasn't anyone's fault really. It was fate and fate apparently hated his guts.
Joey's voice turns soft, placating, he's looking at Rachel while he speaks and it's almost as if he's speaking only to her. "Parts are getting hard and harder to find in New York, the writers at Days Of Our Lives aren't giving me very many scenes. I know I should have told you a long time ago that I was thinking about moving, but I didn't even know I was actually going to until just a couple of days ago."
Eventually she sits and her hand is noticeably shaking as she takes a drink from her glass.
The silence in the dining room is heavy and uncomfortable and most of all, it hurts to know that he's hurt his friends. He watches as Ross takes Rachel's hand and squeezes it and Joey knows that he's doing the right thing. He wants to be happy for his friends and he can't do that with his heart broken like it is.
Joey was gone within the following week.
Waiting for Rachel to get out of the shower is torture, plain and simple. Joey isn't sure what to do with himself and so he paces the room, trying not to listen to the water running in the shower. And of course trying not to think of Rachel in the shower, all naked and wet – and soapy.
"Ugh stop it!" he tells himself, smacking his forehead with the heal of his hand.
He's not even sure if they're going to have sex. It's not like they talked about it, and now that he's thinking about it, it's all that he can think about. With her though, he knows it would never be just sex. He loves her so much... in fact, the strength – the depth – of the feeling still terrifies him. There are still unanswered questions, things he doesn't understand, like what had happened with Ross? Or what about Rachel's feelings? Had she spent the last two years he'd been in California regretting the choices they had made? Wishing that their short-lived romance had gone differently?
Joey throws himself down on the bed, staring at the ceiling and takes a deep breath. His mind goes back to that first moment when he realized just how much he wanted her. When they'd been at the end of their date when she'd still been pregnant with Emma and Rachel had leaned into him, showing him her "end of night move." The longing had nearly bowled him over, sent him to his knees. It hadn't been just desire though (there had been a lot of it though, that night) it had been a longing for something he had never had, had thought he could never have. The desire to hold her, move aside her hair and press a kiss to the back of her neck and make her shiver. The desire to be the one she wanted, that he could be the man that she needed. Maybe the time hadn't been right for them then, but maybe it could be right for them now.
Suddenly the beds dips and Rachel is beside him on her knees – she'd finished in the shower and he hadn't even heard. She's dressed, not naked like he'd imagined her being, in a long t-shirt that falls mid thigh. It still makes his blood run hot though and his pulse quicken – he recognizes that its his shirt, and a flare of emotion careens through him, something he's never felt with any woman before. Unbidden, his hand rises from the bed and touches her smooth thigh, palm gliding up an inch or two until fingertips graze the edge of her panties. His touch makes her shiver... she doesn't slap him away either.
Rachel's voice his breathy when she speaks. "Joey, can we just lie here for a little while? Not do anything yet?"
He removes his hand from under the shirt, places it on her lower back, a safe distance from anything he'd have gotten a slap for before. He's waited four years, he'll wait another lifetime if that's what she wants. "C'mere baby." It isn't lecherous but natural, falls from his lips like a prayer.
Rachel lies down with him, as close as she can get to him without actually lying on top of his body, every line of her body pressed into his. She rests her head on his bare chest and he puts an arm around her, kissing the top of her head and inhaling the scent of her damp, clean hair. He thinks of his younger self, the man that he had been when he first saw an extremely hot, wet bride in a wedding dress run into Central Perk all those years ago. Knows that his younger self would think he was a dumb, stupid sap now, but knows at the same time that he would have been burning with envy.
They stay like that for several minutes, Joey's fingers trailing lightly up and down her arm, before the questions he had posed to himself before come back. He has to know before they go any further.
"Rach, what happened with you and Ross?" he asks, breaking the quiet.
She doesn't stiffen next to him, stays all still and relaxed, the only way he knows she's heard him is the breath she's blown out before she answers.
"We've been bad for awhile. It took us time to realize that we bring out the worst in each other."
Joey's eyebrows furrow in a confused expression. "What do you mean?" he asks.
She sighed. "Oh sweetie, I'm not the same woman I was when he and I dated a decade ago, and he's not the same man either. But we still fought, snarked at each other constantly, and it just got worse as time wore on. Ross and I, just don't work well as a couple." Her voice became quiet and small at her next words. "And it isn't good for Emma... to hear her parents fight like that. No matter how hard we tried, Ross and I can't stop dragging up the past." Rachel was silent then for a long moment before speaking again, her voice gaining strength. "We would have broken up sooner rather than later anyways, even if you and I hadn't done what we almost did last night."
Rachel tilts her head, presses a light kiss to the skin above his heart. "When you left for California it was like... do you know the saying 'you don't know what you have 'till you lose it'?"
"Yeah."
"It was like that. I missed you so much and then when you finally came back home, I realized how lonely I'd been for you. You're not only my best friend but I've been in love with you for years and I don't think I even realized it, at least not completely."
Finally he turns, cradles her face with one of palms, brings her even closer. Emotions war inside him, like waves in a storm against a beach. He runs his thumb softly across her bottom lip, watching and feeling the soft, supple skin move with his touch. Her lips part, and she nips lightly, playfully at his thumb, grinning and winking at him when he groans throatily. Heat flares through him, red hot and smoldering.
"God Rach you're killing me here."
She rolls onto her back, pulling him with her so that he is on top of her, and with a hand on the back of his neck, she pulls him down to kiss him. His lips slant over hers and what starts off as a soft, almost innocent kiss, turns hot, hungry, and desperate almost as quickly as the kiss had started. Their tongues tangle and dip, hands grasp and pull, and he only pulls away when they both need air.
Joey moves down to taste the skin of her neck and the little bit of collarbone exposed by the dip of the shirt. Rachel arches hard, breathing fast, and curls one of her legs around his. "Make love to me," she whispers, fingers pulling gently at his dark hair.
He lifts his head away from where he'd been loving her neck and looks at her, uncharacteristically seriously. "You sure Rach?" he asks.
She answers by bringing him down for a kiss again. He had never made love before (because scoring and getting laid can't possibly ever compare to what it would be like with her) and he finds that he is up for the challenge.
Time sees to fly by and slow down all at the same time. It seems forever, but no time at all, before he's touching her – trailing searching fingers down the leg wrapped around his body. He releases her lips and backs up to take off her panties, pulling them down her legs and tossing them somewhere behind him. Rachel is tugging insistently at his pajama bottoms and he's gazing down, enthralled by the image she makes. She's still in his shirt but it's pushed up nearly to her breasts but other than that, she's completely naked.
Finally he touches her between her legs and her back arches like he's touched her with a live wire. Moaning, Rachel reaches for him. "Oh God, Joey take off your damn pants," she gasps.
He could, but everything would be over way before he had planned.
He eases two fingers inside her and watches as she falls back on the bed again, her fingers clutching her own hair, whimpering his name. He scissors his fingers in and out, his thumb rubbing circles on her little bundle of nerves before making a come-hither motion with the fingers buried inside her. Rachel jerks on the bed, and a sound is ripped from her throat that he had only imagined her making in his wildest fantasies. He does it again.
Her head is turned to the side, buried into the pillow as he works her with his fingers; her thighs quiver and her whole body is practically shaking. Joey wishes now that he had completely removed her shirt, curses himself for not having done so - he wants to see all of her. But there's no way he's removing the hand that's between her legs to get the shirt off, so he shoves it further up instead. And when her breasts are revealed he bends back down to take one of the hard peaks into his mouth, suckling softly before giving a particularly hard suck. Her back bows and she moans loudly. He does the same to the other breast.
Then her fingers are pulling hard at his hair, pulling his face away from where his mouth is lavishing attention on her breasts.
"Kiss me, please kiss me," she pants.
She's starting to tighten around his fingers and he knows that she's close, and he kisses her again and she kisses him back like she's a dying woman. There's very little finesse to it now, it's hard and wet and hot.
Joey pulls away when his lungs burn for oxygen and he has to focus on what his fingers are doing. He presses kisses along her jaw and her neck, nips lightly at her ear lobe.
"God you're beautiful, you're so fucking beautiful." And she is... the way she moans his name, the way she's holding onto him, how she's getting damp with sweat and how red her face is, the way she feels around his curling, reaching fingers. His heart feels like its going to burst in his chest. "Come on Rach," he murmurs, and she comes, exploding around his fingers with a hoarse cry. He prolongs her orgasm as long as he can, only stopping the action of his fingers once the rhythmic spasming around them has stopped.
He slips his fingers from her and brings her close, holding her as she comes down from the high. Joey kisses the top of her head, the room silent except for her heavy breathing.
"Wow," Rachel says after several moments, curling around him like a cat, one of her legs thrown over his.
He thinks back to the all the times he's hit on her over the years and feels his lips curl into a smile. "So, that do somethin' for ya?" he asks, running the fingers that are still sticky-wet from where they had been inside her, down the length of her torso.
She erupts into giggles against him. "Oh I think you know that you definitely did something for me."
A surge of male pride sweeps through him. "Yeah I do!"
Rachel laughs, sitting up at the same time to straddle him. Joey watches as she mounts him with heavy lidded eyes. She grounds down on him, feeling the hard evidence of his arousal trapped between their bodies; arching her back, she rotates her hips in tight figure eights. She rips off her shirt, still bunched up under her arms and throws it away.
"I think I'm doing something for you too," she moans, dipping a finger beneath his waistband. "I thought I told you to take these off?" Smirking and looking very pleased with herself, she shimmies down his legs to finally pull his pajama bottoms down.
When the bottoms are somewhere on the floor, she wraps her hand around his erection. Tilting her head to the side, she licks her lips and simply looks at him naked for a long moment.
"Uhh Rach, makin' me kind of nervous over here," he finally says, groaning when she moves her hand eventually, running a thumb over the sensitive head.
"Yeah, you definitely have nothing to be nervous about," she replies while shimmying further down his legs.
Before he can say anything else she's bending down over him, there's a ghost of hot breath over sensitive skin and then the sensation of her hot, wet mouth encircling him. "Oh Mary Mother of God!" he exclaims, his hips shooting off of the bed.
She backs off, coughing a little bit before diving back down, taking him into her mouth once more, her arm thrown over his body to keep him still. Pleasure is ricocheting through his body, all emanating from the point where she's got her mouth wrapped around him. Every brain cell he has is focusing on not ruining everything and thoroughly embarrassing himself in the process, because what's she's doing to him is way too good. He tells himself not to look at her, because if he looks down... he's going to come. Except he can't help himself and he does look down. She's got one hand wrapped around the base of his erection and her mouth is sucking on him to the point where her cheeks are hollowed out, like she's got a particularly delectable piece of candy in her mouth, and...
"Oh God Rach you're going to have to stop what you're doing or this is going to be over way too soon."
She releases him with a wet pop and looks up, her lips all wet and shiny. He pulls her back up his body and kisses her hard, their tongues battling for dominance, hands wandering and caressing. Rachel fumbles for his wallet on the nightstand and is finally able to grab it while they're still kissing. Restraddling him she pulls out one of the condoms from the wallet and with shaking hands, rips the packet open and rolls it on him.
He watches with a racing heart as she takes him in hand and slowly slides down his length. In that moment it feels like she's breaking him into thousands of little pieces and then painstakingly, carefully putting him back together again. He reaches for one of her hands and threads their fingers together while his other hand holds her hip. Rachel is still for another moment before she begins to move, raising herself up before sinking back down; she's taking him as deep as she can, making a throaty-gasp like whimper each time she does.
What starts off as slow and deep, soon becomes fast and hard as she begins to ride him with abandon. Their fingers detangle and she grabs hold of the headboard for leverage; his hands are digging into her hips, holding on tightly as he drives up into her in time with her own movements.
The blood's rushing in his ears and he sees her lips moving, and doesn't so much hear what she's saying as he just knows. It's mixtures of his name, yes, and oh Gods. She works a hand between them and begins to touch herself, speeding towards her climax and he knows that he's not going to be far behind. He tilts her hips and enters her at a different angle, hitting a sweet spot, and her whole body jerks.
"Joey!" she cries, her head thrown back, dark blonde hair falling down her back, fingers working furiously between her legs.
He plants his feet on the bed for purchase and begins to thrust harder, faster, hitting that same spot again and again. He doesn't even realize he's talking until the sound of his own voice reaches his ears – whatever filter he had (which, albeit, wasn't much of a one to begin with) is just gone. How much he loves her falls from his lips, how good she feels, how fucking beautiful she is practically sobbing with pleasure. How he's going to fuck her all night.
She comes with a shuddering cry, in the end slumping forward, unable to hold onto the headboard any longer. He thrusts twice more before he too lets go – comes so hard that later he'll realize that he saw stars.
Joey holds her boneless, satisfied body against his, presses a soft kiss to her head once he has the presence of mind to do so. Once his breathing is down to at least a pre-stroke level, he discards the condom in the waste paper basket next to the bed. He moves them around on the bed until she's next to him instead of on top of him, but still nearly every inch of their skin is touching. He brushes a sweaty lock of hair off of her forehead so that he can see her better.
"I love you, so much," he murmurs, heart full but also a vulnerability lurking somewhere in the back of his mind. He had never felt anything so... intense before, had never experienced sex that way.
In turn she presses a kiss to his forehead. "I love you too," she whispers back, cuddling into him as close she can.
He finds that he doesn't mind it at all and only wants her closer, craves the contact, the affection just as much as he craved her body a short time before. He hadn't imagined their first time being like that, he had always pictured it as soft, slow, and sweet, but the passion had been overwhelming.
"I didn't hurt you did I?" he eventually asks, remembering how it had been like by the end of their coupling.
"No, not at all... I loved it," she answers softly, her fingers dancing across his skin.
"You're sure?"
She nods, smiling at him, looking at him with an expression he's never seen on a woman's face before – like he's given her the moon.
Joey pulls the sheet over the both of them, the sweat beginning to cool their overheated bodies. He pulls her close once again and kisses her forehead, breathing her in like she's air... he hadn't known until this moment that such happiness could really exist.
Rachel wakes first the next morning – warm, groggy, and naked. She smiles when she feels Joey at her back, spooning her, with one arm around her torso, still fast asleep. She tries to remember if she's really ever woken up in a man's arms like this before and finds that she can't. Ross (and certainly Barry) always liked their space while in bed; while Ross was always up for a post-sex cuddle, but when it came to sleeping, there was his side of the bed and her side of the bed and an invisible line that should not be crossed. Over the years, other boyfriends were a hit or a miss, but Joey is wrapped around her as close as he can get. Rachel finds that she likes it – a lot.
Her mind plays over their love making, feeling desire curling low in her belly at the memory of what they had finally done. She had been a jumble of nerves when she'd come out of the shower last night but then it had become effortless, easy as breathing – like they had always meant to be together like that. The act itself surpassed all her fantasies, and now lying cuddled with him, she's never felt so loved.
Joey stirs behind her, tightening the arm around her middle before he relaxes with a sigh. "Hey," he says thickly, voice rough from sleep.
"Hey," she whispers in reply.
She turns in his arms so that she can see his face. He's smiling at her, eyes sleepy but crinkled at the corners with happiness. His hand trails down her side, caressing her face before his fingertips map her body under the sheet. More wakeful now, he smirks and cups her ass, pulling her closer, to accommodate she throws one leg over his hips, opening herself up to him. It feels natural and right – there's no awkwardness between them and her heart sings with the knowledge.
"How did you like my moves last night?" Rachel asks, giggling as he groans when she squirms against him.
Joey laughs heartily. "You've ruined me woman, completely."
"Oh, really?"
"Oh yeah, once you've had the best, why settle for anything else?" His eyes turns serious before going soft once more. He trails his fingers back up her body and circles her mouth softly with his index finger. "I wish I didn't have morning breath, I really want to kiss you."
She's breathless when she replies, "Kiss me anyways."
And he does.
It's slow and sweet with the passion from hours before just sizzling under the surface. If they weren't naked and in bed together she'd almost call it chaste. He stops the kiss, looking at her face as her own hands begin to wander, touching his chest and moving down to the space that's hot and wanting between them.
"Rachel Green, if it's alright with you, I plan on spending the rest of my life with you," he murmurers.
Tears jump unbidden to her eyes and she blinks them away. How can he be so sweet and hot all at once?
"Honey, that's my plan too," she answers, moaning as he pushes her onto her back, covering her body with his own.
Rachel arches into him, grasping his biceps as she spreads her legs and he settles between them. They both groan as their bodies meet. Their passion goes from a sizzle to boiling in an instant and she lets it take her away, gasping and moaning as he kisses his way down her body.
"This time I'm gonna do this right," he says, lips making love to each breast before continuing down her abdomen.
She's very near to being passed the ability to speak but manages it anyways. "What do you mean? We definitely did everything right last night." The last word ends on a high note as he pushes her legs wider apart and up. "Joey, oh God…."
"I'm going to make love to you this time."
And he does.
They leave the hotel a few hours later, hand in hand, ready to drive back to Chandler and Monica's place. They're nervous of the unknown road that lies ahead of them. Real life awaits them now, filled with Ross and their friends and families, but they feel strong together, knowing that now they're on the right path.
Rachel starts driving as he pulls out his cell phone at her prompting. He dials Chandler, it's time to let the gang know that they are on their way home.
"The Bings, how may I direct your call?" Chandler answers after a few rings.
Joey chuckles. "Seriously dude?"
"Ugh, you won't believe how many people have been calling here. Both of your parents, Ross, both Judy and Jack – at this point it's just easier to answer the phone this way. Sooo… are you heading back yet?"
Joey winces internally. Jack and Judy, how could they know already? He can imagine Ross's mother's voice saying the words four divorces. Ouch. "Yeah, we're in the car now."
There's silence for a beat and then Joey can hear talking on the other end, Phoebe and Monica putting their two cents in for good measure. Chandler clears his throat. "So everything go okay?" The this time remains unspoken but still hanging there between he and Chandler.
Joey looks across the console to Rachel and as if knowing he needed it, she reaches and takes his hand, giving it a squeeze, he squeezes back. She's smiling and she's glowing – happy. I did that to her, he thinks.
Joey smiles, at peace. "Couldn't be better man."
The End.