A/N: So I'm not really sure where this came from. Abit depressing, but oh well. Reviews make my day :) xx
Those lips are smiling again. I can't help but stare and I'm sickened by the effect they have on me. She throws her head back with laughter and her long hair spills down over her back. I resist the urge to scowl as my breath catches in my throat. You're in lust, Kelly Jones.
The thing is, I am. We're all sat in the dormitory. Its midnight and I can't stop staring. There's nothing I want more than to go over to her and ask her, beg her to come back to my room with me and stop this damn loneliness that seems to curse me these days. But she's with the Posh Totty, and she doesn't even know I'm here.
They're all sat crowded round together on Chelsea's bed, heads grouped together and giggling about something. She's got her long legs crossed beneath her, bare apart from a pair of pyjama shorts that are almost too short to constitute shorts at all and I almost shudder at the memory of running my hands up her bare skin. Her eyes flicker over to mine for a short second, and the smile freezes on her face, before she breaks eye contact and turns back to her group. My heart misses a beat.
"Kel?" It's your go." I jump and whip round to face the group of girls I'm meant to be playing cards with. I absent-mindedly throw a card on the table and catch Polly's eye. She's looking at me sympathetically, and I know she knows that I'm crying inside.
"Hey, Kel, wanna go get a drink?" she asks me quietly, and I nod, not trusting myself to speak. Making our excuses we leave the knot of girls, throwing our cards in the middle and leave the dorm. I have to walk past her to get out, but Polly knowingly puts herself between me and her, so I don't even have to see her. I crane my neck all the same, to try and catch a glimpse, only to feel my stomach knot tightly again.
Polly leads me down to the kitchen in silence, and I follow her, unresisting. I might be Head Girl but right now I'm in no state to be in charge of anything. Including, it seems, finding my way around the school I call my home.
I switch the light on in the large room and pull myself up to sit on one of the industrial stainless steel worktops, shivering as my bare legs touch the cold metal.
"You should really wear more sensible pyjamas in this weather," Polly tells me reproachfully, and she's only half-kidding. She pulls herself up beside me, thick woollen material protecting her from the cold. I shrug and manage an almost-smile.
"It's bad tonight, huh?" she asks me, and I don't disagree.
"Two weeks, Pol," I say instead. "Two weeks and she hasn't even acknowledged me. Let alone that we-y'know."
Memories of sweet lips tasting of alcohol and the smell of hairspray overwhelm me and I drop my head. "I'm such an idiot."
"Kelly, you were both drunk. She's probably really embarrassed. In time she will recognise it for what it was. A one night stand. It happens. Little Miss Cheltenham Ladies just isn't ready to accept that at the moment though."
I hear Polly's logic but the state of mind I'm in won't allow me to comprehend that. And then suddenly, I make things much worse.
"I don't want it to be just a one night stand, Pol."
"I'm in love with her."
There's a silence for a long while, the reality of what I just said dawning on me slowly. I'd fought with this long and hard for the last two weeks. Long and hard, believe me. Love is an alien concept to Kelly Jones.
"Kel...," Polly begins, but I cut her off, figuring now I've started I might as well finish ruining the self-assured image I used to have going.
"I'm in love with a Fritton. And worse than that, she hates me. She told me herself, the next morning. She said she couldn't live with herself after she knew what she had done with me, another girl. She said I was the worst thing that had ever happened to me and she never wanted to speak to me again. She said I disgusted her."
There's silence from Polly again and I know I've overwhelmed her, but I don't care. I'm overwhelmed myself. I jump down from the surface and pad over to one of the massive fridges, one where I know there's a bottle of wine. I unscrew the top and take a large mouthful, leaning against the fridge and feeling the cheap tang descend down my throat.
"She'd had too much wine to drink."
My voice is almost a sob now, and I recognise I'm verging on nonsensical and that Polly definitely can't cope with that, but I can't stop myself. A damn Fritton had broken me. Kelly Jones, Head Girl, in love.
"She was drunk. I took advantage of her. I'm in love with and she doesn't even know."
I swallow more of the wine, hot tears falling down my face and I sink down to the floor with my back against the fridge.
I look up as she comes into the kitchen, head bowed as if she's scared she's going to be in trouble for eavesdropping, long curls hiding her face. I stand up, trying to wipe the tears off my cheeks, but I know she's seen enough. Heard enough.
We look at each other for a long moment, the wine hanging loosely in my left hand, more tears threatening to spill.
"I know, Kelly," she repeats, and I almost flinch at the use of my full name. She never calls me anything but Kel.
"I'm sorry." It's almost a whisper, and I hate how pathetic my voice sounds, but I can't help it. She's here. And she knows. She shakes her head and smiles a humourless smile.
"I'm sorry, Kelly Jones. I can't give you what you want. I don't have it in me."
I nod almost imperceptibly as we make eye contact and I know it's true. Any flicker of hope that I harboured is extinguished, and my heart breaks. I don't know whether she knows or not.
"I didn't mean to be the one to break you, Kelly," she says finally, and turns her back on me. At the doorway I see a flash of blonde hair that can only be Chelsea and the footsteps on the stairs tell me that the rest of the Posh Totty are there as well. Polly is still staring at me, waiting for me to do something.
"I'm going to bed."
I hear my own voice and it sounds alien to me, cold, unfeeling. I force myself to walk the path to my room, no longer noticing the cold and sit on my bed, tense, numb. The wine is gone before I notice and then it's vodka. If I could feel I might be surprised that I can't taste it anymore, but I can't feel, so it doesn't matter.
"I didn't mean to be the one to break you, Kelly."
I must drink enough to send myself to sleep, because slowly the numbness fades away, and in the nightmares, the pain begins.