A glimpse behind Sirius' façade, behind his smile. A small insight into what he really feels about his brother Regulus and why he ran away from home.

Disclaimer: nothing is mine.

Worthless

I feel worthless. Like nothing I do will ever be good enough. It doesn't matter what I do, what I achieve, what goals I reach, nothing matters. Not to you. Because to you I don't matter, to you I will never amount to anything, to you I am practically invisible. I'll always play second fiddle to his flute; I'll always be first mate to his captain. I'll always be second best, disregarded.

He's an absolute genius they say, you can't imagine, he could do so much with his life. They tell me I should be so proud; I only feel cold resentment. I see the silent comparison in your eyes every time you look at me.

It's not fair.

What about me? Do I not mean anything to you? I don't mean anything to you. I can't or else you wouldn't treat me like this.

I only want you to love me the way you love him. Is that so wrong?

Why don't you love me? What have I done wrong? Why don't you care? Why am I different?

I get into trouble for attention. Anything for you. The mischief, the mayhem, the tricks and pranks, it's all for you. It's the wrong kind of attention, it's not really attention, I can see the disappointment in your eyes: you wish I was him. You wish I was as clever as him, as charming, as thoughtful, as handsome.

You wish I was him.

I wish I was him.

If you only knew what goes on in my head, how hard I try to please you, but nothing I do is ever good enough for you. I can never be good enough for you.

You worship him. You despise me. He despises me. I despise myself.

I only wish you could be proud of me. Just once.

I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry.

Goodbye.