A/N Welcome! Are you having a flare up and looking for more GYNAZOLE to sooth your itch? Well, despite the fact that this story is supposed to be dormant, it has risen again for a good cause. The wedding of Bella and Edward is planned at the Olive Garden! In order to claim you virtual seat at the nuptials, please donate to the .com/ (removing spaces and placing a period where the.s are; also there is a link at the bottom of my profile.) The compilation has a ton of wonderful authors contributing, so it's not just this slop! It will be beta'd by my gorgeous shalu. Also I have a beautiful and adorable banner from Jamie Arkin for this chapter! (Thanks so much gorgeous!) Please see the note at the bottom for important information regarding GYNAZOLE.
Bella wasn't sure how everyone got so very involved in her wedding. They just were. Maybe she was too bubble-headed in love with Edward and his testicles. Everyone seemed to want a piece of her wedding to call his or her own.
Rosalie was first with her not-so-subtle nor superfluous demand. Bella had opened her apartment door to the angry Goth and tried to close it quickly. Rosalie was used to horrified rejection and stuck her foot in the doorway. She crawled around the door frame like an alien invading a ship.
Bella pretended just then to see her for the first time and overcompensated with niceness, "Oh Rosalie, fancy seeing you here. Spot of tea?"
Bella had no crapping idea why the nice version of herself was British.
Rosalie dragged her black wedding dress in behind her and thrust it at Bella.
She had no choice but to grab the hanger it was on.
"Um, yes, your dress. Do I owe you money for Edward's pocket knife alterations?" Bella squinted her eyes, waiting for the one or two word smack down.
Rosalie walked over to Bella's calendar and pointed at her wedding date. Bella had decorated the little box with free-handed sketches of Edward's balls. Then Rosalie pointed to the dress and then Bella.
Bella wished she sucked more at charades when she blurted out. "You want me to wear this dress to my wedding?"
Rosalie nodded. Through the open door, rolled That Bitch is Screwed, Rosalie's two legged cat. Steve the Cat prowled the hallways now, living between Mr. and Mrs. The King's apartment and Bella's. Steve also found That Bitch is Screwed's lack of ears and some of her legs quite appealing. He was often witnessed trying to hump the bejeesus out of the Rosalie's feline.
"Um, I kind of promised Edward I would wear white." Bella shrugged, hoping that Rosalie would understand.
The fact that the dress had taken one trip down the aisle and been on numerous dates with Emmett and Rose already wasn't the problem. She could even get over the color if she didn't know that both Alice and Rosalie had sex in the same dress.
Bella was afraid the stupid thing hadn't been laundered and that possibly the sperms from Jasper and Emmett were still hanging out on the lace like old men waiting for a bus. And she was afraid that bus would be her vagina. And her vagina would totally be handicap equipped with the massive lowering hydraulic mechanism.
Where was she? Oh, right.
"So, you better take this back to your place and keep it safe." Bella held the dress away from her body and tried to ignore the mews of pleasure from the screwing cats.
Rosalie crossed her arms and shook her head. Bella didn't know how else to fight for her right to party in a dress that wouldn't get her knocked up by possibly three men. She shrugged and offered a limp, weak-backed, "Thanks then."
And so Bella had her dress.
Alice had decided that she was going to be the wedding's air ambiance designer, which also meant DJ. The playlist was eerily reminiscent to last years "Kidz Bop" album. Bella had no idea what her wedding song was going to be, but she was scared.
Mrs. The King and Mr. The King had declared that they would be filming the wedding night for research purposes, which Bella flat out refused, but neither of the Kings appeared to hear her.
Bella sighed as she painted her nails red. At least it would be all over on Sunday morning. At the end of it all, despite the weirdness she was sure would pile up like a wayward bunch of autumn leaves around her, she would be Mrs. Edward Isabella Swan Cullen the first.
Bella's phone alerted her to a tweet from her Edward.
(a) Vamper_Sex Hello beautiful wife-to-be. I just picked up your wedding ring!
(a) 06201984M358 I've had yours for a while.
Bella had actually purchased a wedding ring for Edward after their second date. She pulled out of its place in her bra and stroked it lovingly.
(a) Vamper_sex Okay, look away so I can tell the followers what the inscription says.
(a) 06201984M358 Fine, eyes closed.
Bella was lying. She refreshed her page until she saw his new tweets:
I had the jeweler inscribe something very meaningful to my sweet fiancée.
Bella squirmed as she imagined what lovely poetry he would write to her, words she would keep on her body forever.
She and I met over the wondrous drug GYNAZOLE, so I had the UPC code for the product engraved on the band.
Bella felt her dreams get punched in the tits by her reality. Damn it. Well, at least the crazy numbers would be on the inside and she would never have to explain them to everyone. He tweeted again.
I had UPC 40559 03305 placed tastefully on her outside band so she can always look down and remember the day we met.
Bella began banging her head against her computer screen just as Steve the Cat came like a monster in That Bitch is Screwed. She really was this time.
So her wedding band was going to be littered with numbers to a yeast infection cream instead of diamonds. Bella looked from the black sperm dress to the panting spent cats back to computer screen.
She needed a break. She needed to freak out. Bella wanted to elope so bad she could almost taste it. Stomping out the door and closing it behind her, Bella decided to get a breath of fresh air.
The parking lot outside her apartment building was slightly damp, just like the cats upstairs. Her hair fell around her face as she looked at her sneakers. Worrying might give her a zit, and that would suck on her wedding day. If maybe she could keep a low profile for tonight and Saturday, she might be able to avoid anymore interlopers.
A car pulled up in front of Bella and she should have been more surprised that it was her own vehicle, but she wasn't.
Emmett lowered the window and looked her up and down. "Well, short tits, how's the wedding planning going? Crapping your pants with nerves yet?"
"Just don't offer to do anything for me or to me or around me." Bella crossed her arms and tried not to smile at her stupid friend.
"Get in, I'll take you for a ride in this sweet piece of metal. I'll drive it like I stole it." Emmett's two dimples invited her in.
"You did steal it, knuckle dragger." Bella moved around to the passenger side and got in.
Emmett took off before she could even get her door shut. After driving with very purposeful intention and merging onto the highway, Bella had to ask, "What the hell are you doing?"
He shrugged and locked eyes with her, "I have a present for you. Well, I have something to show you that you kind of inspired."
"Is this some awful, convoluted wedding present? Does Rosalie know about it?" Bella pushed her hair out of her eyes and looked in her backseat. She spied a set of luggage and a vat of Slim Jims. "Emmett!"
"No, Rosalie doesn't know. Yes, it's a wedding present. Can you just relax for a damn minute? Trust me." He turned up the radio and tuned her out.
Shaking her head, Bella sighed. Emmett was a stubborn son of a bitch, but letting go for a little while sounded appealing. She rested her head on the cold passenger window and closed her eyes, the last thing she thought was that it was a pretty Friday night and she had left her cell phone on her computer desk.
The sun opened Bella's eyes, begging her brain to make contact with her body. It took a minute for Bella to remember what the hell she was doing squinched up in her passenger seat. Her car was still moving, and Emmett had three Slim Jim's hanging out of his mouth.
Every muscle in her body felt like it had turned into dead toffee overnight.
"Emmett, what the hell? Where are we?" Bella began slapping his arm as he covered his mouth to protect his Slim Jims. It all came crashing into her head at once. His late in the game love for her, his hatred of her Pharmacist.
"Emmett Marie Green Balls McCarty are you KIDDNAPPING me the day before my goddamn wedding?"
Thank you again, for even considering donating to the cause. The destruction caused by the tsunami and earthquake in Japan pulled me from writing my original fiction in order to contribute. Above is just a teaser of the massive GYNAZOLE one shot I'll be contributing (over 7,000 words of stupidness and crazy!) Also, my gorgeous beta wrote me an outtake for GYNAZOLE as a present, (Emmett and Rosalie's wedding in the Slim Jim factory) which she has amazingly agreed to publish in the compilation. It's fantastic and hilarious, so you'll get even more silly for your money!
This is the last bit of new fanfiction I'll be writing, and it makes me very sad. GYNAZOLE will be removed from my profile on April 10th. I'll miss writing on this site very much. More information on my original fiction can be found at . I'll update Poughkeespie when I have more information to share about its progress to print, so if you are interested, put it on your alerts. As always, you guys blow me away with your generosity and awesomeness! ~MTK