Haan: Hello, you have reached my sligthly delayed update. Please contact Jiraiya for any complaints.

Jiraiya: What the- Why am I doing this?

Haan: Cause Kakashi has to appear in this chapter, and he can't do that if he's torn limb from limb in an exceedingly painful manner. Oh, and because there will be hot girls involved.

Jiraiya: Oh, ok then. Haan claims no part of anything that has to do with the Naruto story or world, except possibly his own dreamed up OCs. Now where are the girls?

Haan: I think they're among that group of very upset readers over there, with the chains and wild horses and what not.

Jiraiya: Wohoo! Ladies, here I come! *Runs off towards crowd*

Haan: Thank [insert-deity-of-choice-here] for stupid super-perverts. There may be A/Ns at the bottom and the bloody remains of Jiraiya, peace over his memory.

A truth most unpleasant

Night had long ago passed the midway point, and a faint light on the horizon was a first hint of the new day to come. Even the thieves and most desperate of whores had taken an early evening, the summer storm that had blown in an hour or so after midnight was of course a contributing factor. It was also making life miserable for the ANBU tasked with watching Konoha's resident jinchuuriki.

The watching shadow was diligent, checking the integrity of the alarm network that surrounded the main building. It wasn't part of the compound's own security system, only giving a silent warning to the operator of any unexpected presences. It could of course be bypassed, hence the routinely examinations.

Unfortunately it couldn't detect all sorts of presence, nor could it give access to dreams.



"Where are you?"

"Come dance with me sugar!"

"So cold. Give me warmth."

Naruto twisted his head.

"No, I don't want to-!"

"We are lonely."

"I want to drain you."

"Let me touch you."

Naruto shivered.

"Come to us."

"Or we come for-"


Screaming wordlessly, Naruto tore himself into the waking world. Then he fell out of the bed, his bed sheets effectively snaring his legs.

Strangely the voices hadn't stopped.

"Come play with us we want to eat your bones grind them to dust suck the-"A resounding slap brought Naruto back into reality.

"Naruto! Hey! You okay there?" It only took Naruto a moment to recognize his adopted sister, before mashing himself into her in a hug. The idea of letting someone in that close just a few months before, with the possible exception of Sakura, had never crossed his mind. But he trusted Akane as he trusted himself, and after an experience like that he needed any and all comforting he could get.

"Whoa, easy there, I like my ribs unbroken thank you very much!" Akane was not speaking without strain, as her otouto was squeezing her for all he was worth. He'd had bad dreams before, but this was the first time he'd reacted like this. "Hey, what's wrong Naruto?"

"They're here." It was a statement made in the kind of voice of absolute certainty that you usually only get from a brown envelope marked with the equivalent of "tax-authority". There was not a shred of humor, mystery or uncertainty in it. They were here, whoever they were, and had apparently scared a jinchuuriki known for his ability to charge headlong into danger enough to make him reach out for safety. It was endearing, but also very worrying.

"Naruto calm down. It's just you and me in this room." Prying herself loose, she quickly checked under the bed, but Anko was nowhere in sight. The teen slowly got his breathing under control, although he was still quivering a fair bit. He drew a breath, as if to speak.

Then the shaking suddenly stopped, and Naruto became limp in her hands.

When Naruto opened his eyes, he immediately regretted it.

"First some shittier than really shitty nightmare and now that bastard wannabe demon wants to chat. Great, Akane's gonna go spare."

He was, of course, in that special part of his mind reserved for his unwanted resident. It was kind of worrying, as he hadn't been able to talk to the fox demon for over a year. He noticed that the small changes to the sewers he'd made in return for the furball's reluctant aid were still in place. There were plenty of torches lighting the way, and the sewage water was still completely gone.

Wandering over to the large gate keeping the nine-tails from creating a serious demand for construction materials, body bags and orphanages he could see that the changes made on the other side also remained in place. The furball was lying curled up on the large rug he'd made, and the portal leading to the memory pocket-space was still in place. A couple of skeletons and a curtain of fire along one wall gave the cage that hellish feeling that his tenant apparently preferred. He did notice that one tail was attached to the portal.

Staring at the contentedly snoozing lump of orange fur, Naruto tried to get its attention as gently as possible. "Oiii! Up and at 'em! Early worms strangle the birds or whatever!" He yelled, kicking at the bars and creating a racket loud enough to wake the dead, whatever good that could possibly do anyone.

The large mass of fur started to move at the commotion, tails shifting away to reveal large ears springing erect and eyes that burned with an unholy amount of annoyance. "Took your time little one. I thought servants knew better than to keep their masters waiting?"

"Well, if you ever get around to being a good servant, let me know, 'cause Kami knows you've done jack all for over a year now."

"That's all you know whelp! If you could even begin to comprehend the amount of work I've done to prepare you for what is coming you would be on your hands and knees, praising my wisdom and power!"

"You haven't even bothered to answer my calls you lazy asshole!"

"That's because I've been busy, forcing your body through another growth spurt, you ignorant sack of puce."

"Yeah, well you can…. WHAT?"

"HA! Got your attention now, haven't I? Are you going to waste more time yelling feeble insults at your better or are you going to listen for a change?"

Face scrunged up in an unhappy grimace, Naruto settled for nodding his consent.

"Good. Now, the first thing I should tell you is that the nightmare you just had isn't really a nightmare. A coterie of mid level demons have been trying to get a sense of where the remaining jinchuuriki are currently located, and one way or another have managed to find you. Normally the shield I create to ward your mind would keep all but the most powerful seekers from locating you, but I expect that me concentrating on turning your body into an ideal sex tool weakened the protection."

"So, they, whoever they are, know who I am and where I'm at. Is that bad?"

"Well, right now there aren't enough of them to pose a threat any real distance from their nest, so unless you're stupid enough to go there we should be safe for quite a while longer."

"Okay, so who are they?"

"The short answer is; Evil demons bent on destroying this world. The longer one involves parallel worlds, like the one the toad summons come from, a sanity-destroying need to kill and horns."

Naruto, deciding that there were places he didn't really want to go right now, went for the easiest one to understand. "Horns?"

"Horns. Kind of like how we tailed demons show our power, except demons tend to keep the number of horns they are born with. They are also a lot more different depending on how many horns they have. And before you make me annoyed by asking, they can have anywhere from one to nine horns. Bloody copy-cats."

"Okay. So, the destroying the world part? I expect it has to do with the insanity thing."

"Give the kid a grade A for basic Logic. Of course it does, although they don't really think so. Fuck, this is taking too much of my recovery time. What you need to know right now is that us bijuu aren't just running around causing havoc because we like it, okay? Well, at least not only because of that. We're acting as suppressants on a bunch of portal gems, and as long as our chakra is linked to the gems they won't activate for anything. Meaning that until just over a year ago the realm of the devouring demons was completely unreachable. Against all odds someone has captured a bijuu and sealed it perfectly. It's supposed to be impossible, but then you humans have a thing about messing everything up for yourself."

"Most likely we'll find those Akatsuki bastards on the other end if we start looking for the missing bijuu but, seeing as how they might bring about the end of the human realm in this world and are crazily powerful, that would be so stupid that only you would consider it." The fox stopped speaking then, and examined its host carefully. "Well, I suppose you've matured enough to know some of the truth. Sit down little one. I've got a long story to tell."

"A long time ago, this world was a battleground for humans and demons. This was before the first shinobi appeared, so you relied heavily on technology much advanced past what you use today. At one point the demons found a way to subvert your technology, forcing humanity to go back to the weapons you might find today. Swords, spears, bows. Anything that could keep a one horn from getting within striking distance was a good thing. This gave rise to the samurai and the demon hunters that you can still find today. However, the demons were stronger, and slowly humanity was forced back. At this time some of the demons possessed humans to infiltrate your strongholds, and since sex is a very common activity among your kind, they did it too. Often it was with an unwilling or charmed partner, but even those demons refused to kill a pregnant mate, which led to children being born with demonic traits."

"Now, chakra is a part of human life, as in all larger organisms, kind of like your blood. All humans produce a small amount to keep their body going. The difference that came from the demon-spawned children was the ability to control and expand on the usage of chakra. The first counterattack by those children, a mere handful, collapsed an entire front of the demons assault and started a new age of the centuries' long struggle. Demons are prideful beings, you see, and prefer one-on-one combat and dueling, if possible. A few of the rarer kinds can be smart enough to think of more clandestine ways, but most prefer to prove their power by crushing their opponent in a stand-up fight.

These new humans were completely without such barriers however, as their demon parentage warped some of their personality. Humanity's pragmatism and survival instinct coupled with the demonic blood thirst to create the assassins that move in shadow. The ninja. Their only interest lay in killing their enemies, all other considerations were secondary, and a demon that walked into a trap or was stabbed from behind died just like any demon that lost a duel."

"Humanity's victory was made complete when the one you call the Sage of the Six Paths struck a deal with the protector of my realm. He'd been caught by the demons and was saved by that human, thus granted any boon he asked for. As he was only interested in conquering his enemies, he asked for a way to defeat the demons. The answer to that question lay in bringing me and my peers into this world. Albeit reluctant, we swore to suppress the power that activated the portal gems of the demons, allowing them free access into this world. To prevent us from being used for unsavory purposes, we were sealed into hosts and distributed among the powers that ruled back then."

"Naturally, humans started waging war on each other almost as soon as the gems had been deactivated, and that's when the shinobi made their mark. There were several different groupings, and eventually all of them had decided on a faction to support. The winners, or rather the survivors, became the founders of the clans and the kekkei genkai families. By then normal humans had started to teach their young ones how to mold chakra as well, or how to combat shinobi effectively. It took centuries of fighting before the villages were founded, and we were always the favored weapons of the main factions."

The giant fox sighed in blissful remembrance. "Ahh, good times. Strong opponents whenever you turned around, bountiful rewards, and the vixens were honored to bear a child sired by a jinchuuriki, hoping to produce a powerful bloodline. I even managed to convince one host to sell his services as a stud to a whole village. They never realized that the children would be loyal only to him. That's how Getsugakure was formed, but the host got himself killed after only a few years after he'd taken control. A shame, he had an awesome kind of humor."

"Once the villages started forming properly, playtime was over. Us bijuu and our jinchuuriki became strategic weapons. We were after all still the best way to aquire a bloodline, and our hosts were all pretty powerful. We were distributed once again, this time to various shinobi villages. The idea was to roughly even out the power of the villages, creating a balance to keep the world at something resembling peace. The one doing the distributing was your first Hokage, and to ensure that no one thought that Konoha was abusing their position as the strongest village, he sent me to the newly started village of Whirlpool. My host found a wife there, and their happy marriage together with the gifting of my powers brought the two villages together as long term allies."

The giant fox yawned. "The rest is history that you can read in the library, or ask that busty vixen ruling Konoha about. I never was all that aware of the outer world while sealed, so I can't tell you all that much. Now, you'll need to discuss this information with big-boobs at some point, and I suggest you wait until Sunday. I'm still not fully recovered, and if she wants to have words with me she can ask one of the Yamanaka for aid. Until then you still need to get your dates to work out, you've already hooked seven excellent procreation specimens. Enjoy them." Naruto was disturbed by the fact that the demon fox somehow managed to leer just like Jiraiya.

"Well, that was quite a bit to take in. And if you think I'm gonna fuck those girls just to please you, you can go right back to sleep and never wake up asshole."

"Weren't you supposed to get smarter growing up?"

"I am, I'm not yelling madly at you for not telling me the minute this started."

"Well, I suppose I'll have to concede your point."


"So what?"

"So why the hell not tell me this right away? We could have-"

"We could have done nothing! The gems have been kept in what is now known as The land of Sound, and the portal is most likely messing up Orochimaru's base like there is no tomorrow right now. If you want to go through a shit load of curse-marked ninjas and one of the Sannin to have a go at slaying a nest with an active gem, feel free, but I want to switch hosts first."

Grumbling under his breath, Naruto decided to drop his protests. For now. "One thing though, why the growth spurt and the permanent hunk-no-jutsu? Being drooled over like the bastard isn't my idea of fun."

"Ha! Hunk-no-jutsu. You are getting to be a bit fun kiddo. Fine, I'll tell you, but you won't like it. I mean, even trying to recuperate I noticed what you were up to. How you managed to not get laid with all of your dates so far is beyond me. That blonde was practically begging to be violated and the snake-girl is freaky enough to impress even me. Too bad about the knife-girl, but I didn't know she had issues with me."

"What the hell has that have to do with anything? And what about Tenten?"

"Well, the girl who loves shiny weapons more than is really healthy for her is currently in some kind of depression, or something. Since your enforced and quickened growth had some side effects, she acted a lot less sane than she would have otherwise. Basically your body has been producing pheromones tainted by me since I started your new puberty, and a whole lot of them the last month or so, which can cause people to ignore or overcome their inhibitions, act out of character or have some kind of psychosis. Usually, the effect isn't very strong, but if someone was close enough for long enough, they'd probably be affected by it. You've been releasing less ever since I finished my work, but apparently it was enough to affect your date. If I'd known that she would get violent like that I'd have warned you."

"Wait, what about Akane-neechan?"

"Do you really expect someone to suddenly offer to become your sister just like that? She probably wanted to, somewhere deep inside, but I bet it would have taken a lot longer if you hadn't been so close for so long. Come to think of it, you've probably been affecting a lot of people lately."

"Well, why didn't you tell me anyway? And is that why Jiraiya kept running off to score women?"

"Pfft, I doubt there are much in the way of inhibitions left in that man, and I was going to tell you once I finished improving your body, only you suddenly had a whole bunch of dates going for you. Of course, me not filtering your alcohol intake for that night helped a bit. And once I realized the potential mates, I figured I could get your innocence taken care of as well. Oh, that reminds me, I didn't filter the aphrodisiac, but the stomach acid retardant and the hangover cure that was in that glass you accepted from snake-freak, I took away. Wouldn't want you to miss your first hangover, right?"

"Wait; is that the stuff I was drugged with? And you removed the effects? Then why didn't I remember anything?"

"Because you got drunker than a sailor coming ashore after a two year cruise. Seemed like a shame to let good booze go to waste, and you put away enough for even me to get tipsy. Been a long time since I laughed so much."

"How do you know so much about all this anyway?"

"Remember the memory mini-dimension we set up before? I converted it to give me access to your senses. I can't affect them, but I can get a decent idea of what's going on out there. And control my healing-your-pathetic-ass a bit better. I swear a guy that has taken as many hits as you have should have learnt to dodge by now."

"Well, you just remember that there are things I want to be kept private. And I still say that you're talking out of your ass. Why the hell is me getting laid so damn important?"

"Well, unless you can do something about releasing my missing comrade, and find a way to clear a Nest real swift like, we'll be fighting demons for quite some time. Possibly decades or even centuries. I'm planning on getting you to make babies like anybody's business and train those children to help you crush those horned idiots to paste. Unfortunately most of the knowledge about us bijuu has been lost, so some of us are bound in females, but they should be able to produce a few decent off-spring as well. And of course, if you meet any of those females, your combined descendant would probably be off the charts in the power department."

"I really hope you're kidding."

"Nope, sorry. All out of humor here, but I'll be generous and give you some sympathy. I do know a bit about you and, well, your issues with trusting people and all that. If I could think of another way, I'd tell you about it, but right now I have a duty to prepare you for a war that might last for decades or even centuries, and that doesn't leave me with a lot of options besides turning you into a kekkei genkai factory. Unless you think me possessing you completely sound like a good idea."

"Fuck that! And I'm not going to start knocking up women just because you can't think of anything better you pervert! Go to hell!"

"I'd go home if I could. Well, if you can find an alternative, go ahead and try it. I for one am through discussing this for now, so go comfort your 'sister'. Just remember to keep this to yourself; we can decide what to do later. I know you love this pathetic excuse of a village, but that doesn't mean that we can let them decide your fate anymore. This situation has every potential to go FUBAR before you can finish a bowl of ramen, so we need to be in control and reasonably free to make our own decisions. Now get the fuck out of here kid, I still don't like you."

With that, Naruto found himself back in the real world.

The Halfway Inn near the border between Kaze no kuni and Kawa no kuni

Shikamaru shifted, his internal alarm clock telling him that the sun was high enough in the sky to get ready to travel. That is, the first beams were just showing over the horizon. Groaning softly, he tried to push himself up. Something soft, warm and heavy kept his arms from moving however. Still just barely awake, he tried to figure out what the weights were, feeling around with his left hand. The sensations told him that his arms were being covered by skin. This seemed strange, and for some reason he thought that he was in danger, but he couldn't remember why.

Feeling around more his left hand brushed over something that felt different. Something was sticking out from the skin, and as he kept rubbing it, the thing got harder and bigger. There was an important connection between the two, but he just couldn't make it. Then he heard a slightly familiar voice groan, and finally started to realize his position.

For one, his arms weren't tied down, there were girls lying on top of them, one on each arm weighing them down. Naked girls, as far as he could tell. For two, girl number three was lying on top of him, apparently naked as well, and he was rubbing one of her nipples. That was really embarrassing, or exciting. Yeah, probably more exciting than embarrassing, but he was more interested in getting out alive than getting some, his brain thankfully had a head start on his libido. Then he remembered that it was his bed, his room and all of it was supposedly protected by seals.

"What the hell is going on, and how do I get out of it alive? And why are my supposed teammates not getting the hint?"

The reason for Shikamaru's irritation lay not in the bountiful amount of female flesh currently holding him hostage but in the fact that he'd specifically told his subordinates off during dinner.

Dinnertime the evening before

"-so, as flattered as I am, I must ask you to focus on our mission. If you're wearing the Konoha headband anywhere outside of Konoha, you can expect most passing shinobi to try to at least put something in your food. Being the biggest and most bad-ass around means that almost everyone else gets hit with an inferiority complex when they see you, and I really don't want to stay here for another three days while you go through a bout of poisoning. Any questions? Have I made myself clear?"

Looking over his decidedly hot female team, he once more had to fight down a primal urge to skip the dressing-down (HAH!), grab the three girls and drag them up to his room for as much sex as his body could cope with. Yes, the whole 'making babies' thing was a bit unsettling, but he could probably avoid that if he wanted to. They would need to make him commit to a mating bond, whatever the hell that was, before accepting getting knocked up. Apparently it had to do with ensuring a functional father figure, and some other details that he'd read into if he ever decided to take up their offer. Right now he needed to address the problem of team dynamics. Or rather, that they were using said dynamics against him, instead of potential enemies.

Besides, troublesome though it was, his own morals wouldn't let him use the girls like that, even though they were technically trying to use him first.

One of the girls raised a hand tentatively. "Yes, Miyako?"

"So, how about we take turns keeping watch and you entertain the two that are free?"

"Denied, and the reason is simple. We'll reach Suna tomorrow. I need to stay focused for my meeting with the Kazekage and the mission, as do you. Now, since we've finished eating, go do whatever it is you do as long as you stay safe." With that, Shikamaru turned and headed for the door, hoping to avoid any more offers. He really didn't know how much more he could take.

Back in the bed

"That wording might have been a mistake. Kami, I hate having morals. And lacking condom- bad thought! Go away!" Despite the command, Shikamaru could feel that the closeness of his temporary teammates was having an increasingly uncomfortable effect on him. Troublesome suddenly didn't seem big enough a word.

Focusing, he sent out his shadow and started to carefully move the girls off him. What he hadn't thought of was just how weak his shadow would be with so little daylight outside, and so he quickly overstretched his technique and dumped the girls back down. This resulted in him once again being captured under the troublesome trio, only now they were also waking up. "Yeah, this won't be awkward at all. I'm gonna have to kill someone soon."


"Too early, turn off the light."

"Why did you bring a kunai to bed?"

Wishing he had a wall to slam his head into, Shikamaru did as best as he could by repeatedly bashing his head into the pillows while reciting the shinobi code of conduct to himself. A few dozen rules later he'd gotten most of his temper under control. Where all the anger was coming from he wasn't sure, but he knew as well as anyone that it was very unlike him to put this much energy and emotion into anything. "Would you troublesome girls mind explaining why the hell you're in my bed despite our chat yesterday evening?"

"Well, remember when you said that we should do whatever it is we do to stay safe?"


"Well, we thought about it, and decided that we'd all be much safer if we stayed near our strong team leader. This was as close as we could get while you were still asleep."

"Figures. Why didn't I wake up?"

"We're kunoichi from Bamboo. Getting in and out of beds unnoticed is one of our specialties. Wanna see some of the other things we're good at."

"Yes, but not now and not without getting to know you and the reason why you won't leave me alone. When the hell did you decide on chasing me? Or were you just feeling bored?"

Gina, completely unconcerned that she was currently only wearing a pair of skimpy, lacy white panties, got out of bed and walked over to where their packs were stashed. She rummaged through her bag and pulled out a magazine before getting back under the covers. When she showed it to him, he suddenly got a massive set of shivers down his spine.

"The Seductress Monthly? Why are you showing me this?"

"Well, we read about you in here."


"Yeah, various people write in about good seduction marks, like the really hot ones, clan heirs or leaders, or even just really powerful shinobi. I can read it to you." Michiko reached over and grabbed the paper before settling back, incidentally putting his hand back at her breast. When Shikamaru realized he couldn't feel it, he understood why he'd had trouble pushing the girls away. One arm was completely asleep and the other wasn't much better.

"Are you listening? Good, 'Dear fellow readers of Seductress Monthly. I write to you because I'm worried for my seventeen year old son, Shikamaru. He's a fairly powerful shinobi and well-respected in Konoha, where he currently holds the rank of Chuunin. However he is also a very lazy boy, with a few exceptions, and I have come to fear that I will not be seeing any grand children unless I force the issue somehow. I've enclosed some pictures and various facts that I believe are useful to any decent seductress looking to settle down and start a family. As I am his mother and care for him, I will not tolerate anyone trying to simply use my boy, he is a clan heir with both wealth and influence awaiting him upon succeeding his father. Anyone willing to approach him must be aware that marriage and commitment are the only acceptable forms of relationship to us. That said, if a certain amount of coercion is needed to make him straighten out his life, I will gladly help. His former girlfriend has told me that he likes girls that-"

"Stop, please!"

"Oh, and look at the pictures." Michiko continued. "I'd never think you were this ripped."

"Oh Kami, mom sent pictures? The hell! I'm in the shower at Ino's place there!"

"Guess Ino sent some too then. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? I could totally see you with a cool dragon on your abs."

"Na, one of those sexy ones that go up a bit at the throat would be nicer. You know, a tribal kind."

While the girls kept bickering over what kind of body art would fit Shikamaru better, Michiko let a different page fall open. Feeling distracted, Shikamaru looked at the page for over a minute before realizing what he was reading.

"Why is there something called 'Naruto news'?"


"Yes Kisame-san?"

"Is there a reason for us to return to the surface already?"

"Yes Kisame-san. I believe we have learnt enough to report back to Pain-sama now, and I have to check on the latest update from our sources on Naruto-kun."

"Hmpf, if I hadn't seen the result myself, I'd never believe that posing as one of his admirers would give us such valuable information."

"Indeed, but both I and my foolish little brother know well the resourcefulness of fans." He paused, and one could almost believe that a small smile had appeared on his face, before being brutally stabbed to death. "Besides, giving him his own fan club is an incredibly nasty form of torture. I should know, it took almost a year before my own section in that wretched paper was taken out."

"Only to reappear in 'Nuke-nin News'. Somehow I can't make myself envy you, but I can't say I pity you either."

"It is not always a bother, some of those girls do grow a brain after a while, and they tend to do pretty much anything I ask. I just wish there weren't so many male fans that thought more of my nail polishing habit than it is."

Konoha, Naruto's house

"Naruto, are you heading out now?" Naruto paused, a sandal in one hand and the other strapped to his foot.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go let Lee find me. He'll probably start howling at the moon soon if I don't let him have a 'friendly spar' with me. It's fine, I'm not supposed to meet Kakashi-sensei and Sakura for another two hours. Are you really sure that you talking to Tenten is the right thing to do?" He was still in two minds about the weapons lover, and her rather unusual display of affection.

"Yes otouto, I am sure. She may have been influenced by something, but that does not excuse her completely. I'm going to talk it over with her, and unless I find a reason to string her up by her entrails she'll be by here later to apologize. Then I expect she'll be begging you for a bit more of that tender loving care that you do so well. You stud you." Akane's voice got steadily stronger as she got closer to the entrance hall, and the last sentence was accompanied by her teasing smile, as she appeared in the door to the common room.

Naruto had not told Akane everything, but a few of the things that his unwanted resident had mentioned were safe to pass on. His adopted big sister had been close to write Tenten off completely, but after learning of how the girl hadn't been the only one to blame for the onsen incident she'd decided to give her a shot at explaining herself.

"Blah blah blah, if I was such a stud I'd pick Anko up on her offer, wouldn't I?"

"No, that would be if you were a pig. You respecting her feelings is a very nice thing to see."

"Huh, what feelings? She's already playing patty-cake with you, and probably a half dozen other people in the village. I'm just glad that she respects me and you being sorta siblings enough to not rape me."

"Naruto…" Akane's voice was tinged heavily with both worry and disappointment.

"Sorry, I guess I'm still a bit cranky."

"Anko isn't like that Naruto, don't let her fool you."

"Of course she isn't."

"I'm serious. I've never had sex with her for one thing."


"It's true. We're just friends. She's been alone for a long time now, and we kinda matched up because we both aren't really accepted by most people."

"But all that touching and stuff?"

"It's a game we play with each other. She dares herself to accept affection, and I dare myself to trust that someone will just be my friend. The first to back down pays for the next round when we go drinking." Naruto blinked owlishly at that piece of information.

"Wow, sorry neechan, didn't know that."

"Well, we're really good at our game nowadays."

"And when you claimed that you didn't know her before?"

"I just wanted to know if you had any real prejudices against her. She acts either really scary or really horny to test people. I'm betting that she'll be over here in a day or two, her luggage in tow, asking whether you prefer top or bottom when sleeping. I don't think anybody's ever offered her something like you did without expecting something in return."

"So, why are you telling me this?"

"Because I know you would never dream of using her, so I don't want you to hurt her or yourself by believing her theatrics too much. She never really healed after what that bastard of a snake did to her, and if she's ever to have a shot at a decent life, it's up to someone like you to help her get it."

"Why me?"

Akane smiled warmly. "Sorry, I can't tell you that yet or you might get a bigger head than your neck can carry. Now run off and play with your friend."

"Fine, fine, oh lady of cryptical sayings. Later."

"Later Naruto-kun."

As he ran off to find Lee, Naruto reflected that his life had gotten a lot more complicated the last few days. One girl was going to need some kind of therapy and a chance at repentance, another apparently wanted to move their relationship forward so quickly that they'd be teleporting past bases, and one he'd somehow managed to become responsible for, period.

And he still has four dates left.

On the plus side he had been getting a lot more kisses than he ever thought possible, he'd seen quite a lot of hot women in equally hot clothing, or without clothing at all, and he'd gotten a sister.

And he still has four dates left.

Well, all things considered he had to concede that his life had been going great lately, even though he still was apprehensive about spending so little time training or doing missions. And that evening he was going on a date with Hinata, who was possibly the gentlest, most refined woman in all of Konoha. It was almost guaranteed that nothing weird could happen with her around. He was a bit confused as to why she'd wanted him for a date, but figured he'd ask her at a suitable moment later.

Yep, it would be a great evening. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

"So, if I'm supposed to be with you three at the same time, how exactly am I going to last long enough?" Shikamaru asked as he closed his vest. He still wasn't nor sounded convinced, but was willing to hear them out to keep them content.

"Oh, we've got that part covered." Michiko replied. "Gina, get me the aphrodisiac potion please."

As Gina moved over to the backpacks once more, she turned to Shikamaru to explain. "We've got some pretty good help for those that need to satisfy several partners at a time. There's the soldier pill, of course, but those can be poisonous if over consumed, and do not address the part of wanting more. So we've developed something else. All someone with a well trained physique like you really need is motivation, and this blue…Gina, this is the confidence booster, where is the aphrodisiac?"

"Ops, I thought the aphrodisiac was the cyan one. My bad!" Miyako's cheerful response made Michiko take on a look of horror.

"Miyako, what did you do with the blue potion?"

The Hyuuga Clan compound

Hinata looked at the small vial in her hands and the blue liquid inside. One of her friends from Bamboo had given it to her, saying that if she felt like her old 'issues' were returning during her date she could take a few drops in a glass of water to calm herself.

She wasn't really thrilled at the idea of drugging herself to be able to have a normal date with the boy- no, man- that she'd had feelings for since she started at the academy. At the same time she knew that she had some impressive competition, and she'd be damned if all her hard work the last few years wouldn't be rewarded for at least one night. She'd earned a bit of happiness, damn it, and if her old nerves started acting up then all bets were off.

Letting her decision ease the frown on her brow, she put the vial back inside the padded slot in her medicine box and closed into, before rising and turning towards the door. As she went outside she let her usual small smile, uncommon among the Hyuuga but not out of place, fixate the mask she showed the clan she was now the heir of. Getting to where she was today had not been easy. Amongst other things she'd had to convince her father Hiashi that neither her strength nor her technique was flawed, which had taken endless hours of grueling training and mental conditioning.

One important stepping stone had been to overcome her fear of hurting her little sister. If she couldn't fight her seriously, she would never have a chance against her of father. And although she had at times hated how he treated her, she had never forgotten the good times when her mother was still alive.

After her mother died, Hiashi had been grief struck, but under the pressure of now leading the clan without the backing of his gentle, well-loved and politically sharp wife, he'd withdrawn inward. He could not express his grief even in his private rooms, as none could be certain who was watching in that clan. There were wards available for intimate moments, but he could not bring himself to activate those, as it might be interpreted as him finding comfort with some other woman. Hiashi might have his faults, but not taking his marriage seriously was not one of them. He'd fought hard to be able to marry Hinata's and Hanabi's mother, as she was a kunoichi not from one of the prominent clans in Konoha. She also lacked political connections and her family was comprised of modestly successful glass-workers.

A marriage for a Hyuuga either meant keeping the bloodline intact by marrying someone within the clan or someone who either had titles, wealth or influence. Preferably all three. When the then freshly minted clan leader had declared that he was betrothed to a woman whom would bring none of the above to the marriage, the clan had quietly and stoically moved towards catastrophe.

They had, against all odds, managed to both keep the clan together and marry. That feat alone allowed them almost ten years of blissful marriage, and resulted in two daughters. Due to Konoha's rather unusual view of women being equal to men one of those two girls was to become the next clan leader, and Hinata had been the first pick.

The trouble was that it would condemn her little sister to a life little better than that of a slave.

Once Hinata had been shown the dark secret that was the Caged Bird seal, and the terrible power it had over the branch portion of the clan, the unusually clever girl had quickly realized that her being the heir would land her beloved sibling in the branch, seal on forehead and all.

At the tender age of seven, she'd reached the decision to play for time. She wasn't clear on all the details, but she knew that if she proved disappointing then her father would choose Hanabi instead, postponing the need for the seal by several years. Her hope, naïve though it was, was that she would be able to find an alternative to the seal by then. The cost for her decision was seeing her father's disappointment in her failure to emulate the woman she resembled. He, in turn, vented much of his pent up sorrow on her without even realizing it, raining harsh words and even harsher training on her in reply.

If she'd been told of the solution back then, she'd scarcely believe it, and would most likely have lost her little sister if she did.

The simple truth had been strength.

All elders and decision makers in the clan either were or had been active shinobi. A trial by arms was almost unheard of, and when she challenged the entire Hyuuga council, staking herself irrevocably in the process, all but her cousin and her father had thought the girl mad. A loss would not only mean being sealed, but being sterilized, exiled and the end of her shinobi career.

Hiashi had smiled, barely, when she delivered her challenge. He could not, would not go easy on her, as anything she gained from the fights to come must be real for it to have any value. To his surprise and hidden joy, she needed no handicap. She had soundly beaten the three men, including himself, that were chosen to represent the clan. Her fighting style, while utilizing all the elements of the traditional Hyuuga close combat technique, had been altered to fit her physique as well as give her the ability to attack at mid range.

The fact that she'd won gave her the power she needed to start changing the stagnating clan, and although the opposition to change was tenacious, her will had turned into something to bend steel against.

The fact that she applied a very special genjutsu based seal every morning, which made her feel like a certain blonde boy was watching her every move, was something she kept to herself.

Once she'd beaten her elders into submission, she was pronounced heir once more and given a seat in the elder's council. Her first act, and the next step, had been to demand the end of the caged bird seal. No new ones were to be given and a way to remove those in existence was to be found. The answer had been immediate, but this time her father was on her side, and Neji was allowed to champion her as well. The three new duelers selected by her detractors were faced by herself, her father and her cousin, and were once again defeated.

It had taken time for her to reach this stage. The help needed had come from a team of former Bamboo kunoichi that she befriended almost a year after Naruto had left on his training journey. They were all confident, skilled and unafraid to stare down her haughty family. They had helped Hinata immensely, mostly by helping her with her confidence issues. How they'd done that had been embarrassing in the extreme, but Hinata found that when the worst had already happened, it could only get better. As long as she wasn't dead at least.

The girls had also helped her realize how she could reclaim her title and put an end to the branch family. She herself had never been told the rules that governed the elders, or the ones that allowed the changing of others. There was a hole in her knowledge of her clan that she hadn't even realized. She'd felt pretty stupid after having that pointed out. She hadn't even considered asking about it. A few words in the ear of the right branch member and she and her new friends had access to over a dozen scrolls with the clan's history, rules of contention and other interesting topics.

There was possibly a rule about not showing it to outsiders, but she figured that a ninja was supposed to be sneaky and break rules, so whatever. This was after all about doing something she'd promised Naruto-kun. Few things were more important.

Now, she was about to start the final preparations for the most important evening of her young life. The possibility of her ever getting closer than a very good friend of Naruto's was theoretical, as the clan never would accept a union between her and the village's secret weapon and favorite scape goat. He probably didn't know that she knew about his sacrifice, but she hoped that he would tell her himself during their date. Either way, there were some things she could do to make the date a memory to treasure for the rest of her life. Although the man she'd eventually marry might well be good to her, and most certainly would not hold any power over her that she did not allow him, she could not hope for anything more than a marriage that would be bearable.

The coming evening might well be her only shot at tasting what other, luckier women took for granted.

Pushing that depressing thought from her mind, she entered the innermost garden and crossed to the small building that stood in its center. Things could still go wrong, but she had promised herself that it would have nothing to do with her not being prepared. Pulling the door aside, she offered her little sister and her cousin a genuine smile.

"Good morning you two, how are the preparations going?"

"Excuse me!" A voice shouted out, and Naruto, always curious and easily distracted, turned towards the source. He didn't expect it to concern him, but the brown haired girl standing outside a hardware store was looking directly at him, and there were almost no people on that particular side street.

"Who, me?" He asked, still a little unbelieving of the unlikely scenario.

"Yeah you, you're Uzumaki Naruto, aren't you?" The girl smiled at him as she walked closer.

"Um, yeah, I am. And who might you be?" Naruto was feeling a little bit of unease. His past experiences with girls, excepting the last few days and his adopted sister, had very little to do with big smiles. Unless a vengeful fist followed of course.

"Oh, I'm Maki! Wow, you're even taller than I imagined." Now she was standing just a tad too close, but he didn't want to act like he was scared and stood his ground.

"Um thanks?"

"Oh, and you're even cuter than in the pictures!"


"Uhu. Say, could you do me a favor?"

"Um, yeah, I guess."

"Can I hug you?"


"Aw, I thought you kept your promises."

"I do! Sure you can get a hug."

"Thanks!" And with that Maki stepped in closed and started hugging him, Naruto gingerly responding. After a few seconds he could feel her hands moving up and down his back slowly, but she didn't do anything more, so he didn't say anything.

About a minute later he was feeling more freaked out than that time Orochimaru had said that he also could be interesting to experiment with. Although the realization that it might be something else than a horribly painful medical experiment still topped his list.

"Maki-san, I kinda need to get going now."


"Yeah, like right now or I'll be late for team practice."


Sighing deeply and feeling like life had somehow betrayed him once again; Naruto switched places with what looked like a newly minted genin. He knew that it was kind of cruel to do that to the girl, but he'd been nice enough to put another girl there. After all, Maki was quite well developed and the genin was almost as short as he had been at that age. Running off from the impeding bout of shouting, Naruto quickly made his way towards his team's usual training site. He and Lee had spent almost an hour testing each other, and while he got his ass handed to him on a silver platter in a pure taijutsu match, he'd been able to pull a draw when nin jutsu and weapons was allowed.

Lee hadn't disappointed him in the least, the fashion-challenged boy was most likely one of the strongest ninjas in the village already, and if he could keep up his rate of growth he would most likely become a force of legendary proportions. He'd added weapons to his repertoire, offsetting his own nin jutsu disadvantage quite a bit. There had been no use of their forbidden techniques though (kage bunshin wasn't forbidden for Naruto and was therefore allowed), and although the gates were a powerful trump card it had its weaknesses. He was fairly certain that if he tapped into his demon powers he'd be able to best his friend.

That said, he was grateful for his upgraded healing ability. Lee had managed to break his left arm in three places, at the end of the spar, as opposed to the one break Naruto had expected. It had been a tactical sacrifice, as he'd been able to put a kunai at Lee's throat, effectively drawing the match. Lee protested of course, as noble and upstanding as he'd always been, but Naruto simply pointed out that the level of damage on his arm rendered it useless, and that meant that he'd had died anyway, since Lee still could have countered on his undefended side even as he was dying. The break Naruto had expected was at the wrist, leaving most of the limb intact and useable. As Lee had broken it at the elbow and just below the shoulder, he could barely move it at all.

He'd spent some time focusing on healing the breaks, before heading to his team's meeting point. Now, as he crouched on a branch and scouted the area, he was glad to see that he for once seemed to be the first one there.

"See anything interesting?" The voice came from just behind his left ear.

"GAH!" And after giving this eloquent response, with the grace of a pregnant rhino, Naruto fell out of the tree, only barely catching one of the lowest branches to arrest his fall.

"Damn it, Kakashi-sensei! Don't scare me like that." Naruto retracted his claws and released his hold on the branch. He'd only used his left hand, as he should be able to protect himself with the other, but had forgotten that suddenly growing claws most likely would cause his perverted teacher some concern. That Kakashi wouldn't notice how he defied gravity was never even considered. Naruto knew exactly how sharp the veteran genius was. That and the many times they'd protected each other were among the few reasons that he put up with the eccentric jounin's many weird habits.

"Well, well, someone has apparently gotten themselves some new skills." A second voice commented, before the speaker stepped out from behind a bush and revealing itself as the third member of the team.

"Oh, hi Sakura-ch, err, san. You're getting really good at stealth!" Naruto replied, missing a sudden stillness on his team mate's face before she controlled herself. He had decided to stop with his usual form of addressing her after their test a few days before. The reasons were twofold; she had shown an immense improvement as a ninja, making him realize that it had been three years since they saw each other and he therefore couldn't claim to know her like he used to. That made the old, familiar form of address seem very assuming to him. He had also felt an immense pride and respect for her new skills, and wanted to somehow signal that respect to her. As she had categorically brushed off his words of praise, he had tried to think up another way of expressing how impressed he was with her. As he had written off the idea of her ever being anything more than a good friend and team mate, the possibility that she'd take issue with his decision never entered his mind.

"Thanks, but you're still a lot better. How did you see him Kakashi-sensei?"

"I cheated." Was all the voluntary Cyclops would say on the matter. "Now, I know you're trying to deflect what Sakura was trying to ask about Naruto, but I think it's time we started talking about some of those skills that you held back on during the test."

"Err, which ones, sensei?"

"Jiraiya said that I should ask for your upgraded anti-pervert technique." Kakashi's request made Naruto blanch.

"In front of Sakura-san? No way, I like not having a concussion." Once again, as his attention was focused on Kakashi, Naruto missed the brief look of hurt on Sakura's face. Kakashi didn't, but he had a strict policy of not getting involved in other peoples' relationships. Unless it jeopardized a mission. Or they were very good friends. Or if he felt like it.

At least in this case, he was fairly certain that Sakura would get some obvious misunderstandings straightened out on their date the coming Thursday. He knew that she was very good at that when it came to Naruto, although she didn't know it herself.

"Well, I promise I'll hold her back for you if she takes offense. So, a demonstration please?"

"Fine." Naruto replied, letting a soft sigh escape before focusing inward. Having decided on what he wanted, he executed the technique, silently moving his lips. He was enveloped in a cloud of smoke as his transformation took hold.

Kakashi had to hold back a giggle, knowing that no matter how much Sakura had matured, there were some things she reacted to instinctively. The busty, extremely cute and bikini clad blond that stood before them was one of those things.

"So, what about it, Kakashi-sensei? It's my special form of transformation. And please don't hit me Sakura-san." This form had a very different voice, seemingly made to sound both innocent, perky and attractive. It was the kind of voice that drew attention from all who could hear it.

"Well, Naruto." Kakashi replied, stepping up next to Sakura and putting a hand on her shoulder. "That's not a transformation technique."


"Well, to be precise, it's not a genjutsu transformation technique."

"It's not?"

"Nope, and the seal shouldn't be enough to execute it either, unless you've mastered it to the degree where you can do it using one hand."

"What the hell are you talking about, sensei? It's just his old perverted technique, and I really thought me and Tsunade-sama had taught him about using those!"

"Hey! I knocked out Hokage-jiji with this technique!"

"Yes, Naruto, I know. The thing about this technique, Sakura, and its variations, is that it's not the transformation that other ninja use."


"To put it simply, the normal transformation is only a mirage genjutsu, meant to make the ninja look like whatever it is he's trying to transform into. Naruto is actually transformed, or shape shifted, if you prefer."

"WHAT? That's impossible!"

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei, one of the academy teachers taught me this. He said it was a special version."

"Show me the whole seal sequence." Naruto performed the seals.

"Well, that's a load of nonsense Naruto. Half of those seals aren't any kind of seals I've ever seen, and the rest shouldn't do anything."


"Yes. So, how did you make it work?"

"Well, I… um." Naruto was supremely uncomfortable right now. He'd shared few things about his past while on his old genin team, and the reason how his female version looked was extremely embarrassing.

"Were you peeping on some poor girl?"

"No! I just thought that, well, maybe I could make something to distract perverts with, and, somehow, I managed this after a while. It took a fair bit of research though."

"Research? Naruto, if you're talking about what Jiraiya likes to do…"

"No, honest, I found a catalogue for women's underwear and used that for how girls look. Then I, err, borrowed a book on anatomy in class and worked out the stuff that I had to change from how I usually am, you know, the boy part." He made a face. "It felt really weird the first few times, but all the bits seemed to fit like they should. Then I just learnt how to add the smoke on the, you know, private parts, cause when I transformed I really felt like I didn't want anyone to see them, and that's it."

Kakashi was slowly shaking his head in wonder. "That has to be the craziest way to invent a technique I've ever heard of. Does it hold if you get hit?"

"Depends on what I've turned into, but yeah, usually."

"I can't believe this. Actually transforming your body like that, it sounds really dangerous."

"Oh, it is. I wouldn't be surprised if most of the people in Konoha would either kill themselves or get stuck in their transformed state if they tried without someone to explain it to them."

"But why Kakashi-sensei? It doesn't consume a lot of chakra or anything."

"Hmm, how do I explain this? Remember the first time we fought Zabuza?"

"Of course, Kakashi-sensei. Naruto and Sasuke managed to break you out of that water prison by… wait a minute."

"Ah, I see you're catching on. Naruto, how did you manage to retain your senses when you were a windmill shuriken?"

"Oh, that's easy, you form a polar charged chakra field around the object you've transformed into and let yourself float there. As long as you know exactly what you want to do and when, there is very little disorientation when you change back. Your senses sort of meld into one, it's impossible to describe, but you can sort of 'see' and 'hear'. There's just no equivalent vocabulary for the experience."

Kakashi and Sakura blinked. "What is he talking about Kakashi-sensei?"

"I'm not sure Sakura."

"Well, I didn't know the terms back then, but basically you let the ying and yang parts of your chakra pull in different directions while forming it into a bubble shape. The separation forms a kind of mental void in between the two chakra charges, and that void keeps your mind intact."

Kakashi slowly lowered his head into his hands, rubbing at his uncovered eye and groaning. "Are you telling me, that you let your whole essence float around with nothing more than a thin layer of experimentally shaped chakra in a life or death situation? And tossed around by someone else as well?"

Naruto shrugged. "I figured it should work, I found that I formed something like that while my brain transformed when I turned into Naruko-chan. It wasn't for very long, as her brain can fit my mind easily. She's quite a bit smarter than me. Anyway, we had to do something, and trying to get that water clone was obviously a waste of time. Even if we got the first one, he could easily make another, and you were drowning in there. I was pretty sure that the field would be anchored to the shuriken."

"You could have died you maniac!" Naruto was slightly taken aback at Kakashi's shout.

"Well, yeah, but I figured it was worth the risk. Without you on the team the mission would almost certainly fail sooner or later, and if something went wrong, I had instructed an extra kage bunshin to get everyone away from him and try to get back to Konoha. As long as Sasuke was still active they should have a decent shot at getting away."

"But you'd be dead!"

Once more, Naruto shrugged. "Those who abandon their team mates are worse than trash, right? Neither Sakura nor Sasuke were able to handle that situation or use those techniques, and I was the most expendable one of us." He didn't get any further than that before two intense auras sprung up before him. Before he knew it, Sakura had hoisted him a foot of the ground, using one hand, and Kakashi was glaring at him in a way he hadn't seen since the original survival test.

"Now you listen to me, Uzumaki Naruto-baka. If you ever again consider yourself as more expendable than any other ninja on your team, I'm going to kill you, revive you, drag your deluded ass back to Konoha and tell Tsunade-sama about it, so she can repeat the process. I am not losing another part of this team, understood?" After Sakura's tirade, delivered in a voice fit for a psychopathic mass murderer, Naruto could only nod his head furiously, before being interrupted by his sensei.

"As for me, I have a way to repeatedly use a very painful taijutsu technique on you; I think you know which one I mean. Never give me a reason to show you how it's done."

"F-fine! Sure, no problem." After Naruto finally managed a verbal reply, they kept their glares on him for a few more seconds. Then Sakura lowered him to the ground again.

"We don't have time to discuss your bad self image Naruto, but we will. Soon." Kakashi's voice was serious as a grave.

"Oh yes, you can bet on that baka. And you better have a damn good explanation ready by Thursday night, because I am not letting you get away from talking to me on our date." Naruto swallowed, realizing that he was going to have to own up on some things he'd hoped to never think about ever again.

"Now." Kakashi said in a slightly less serious voice as he pulled up his headband. "Show me how you do that again."

A/N: CUT! Okay, now set up for the date scene and get Gaara out of his trailer, he can have fun time with his girls later.

Yes, suddenly there is more than annoying little hints of plot. Surprised? I sure hope so. I've probably managed to miss a few things, but as far as history goes, I'm going to play around with how many centuries pass between various events as I like, as it's not really important anyway.

And no, for those of you who think Kyuubi is being nice. He is not. He is however honorbound to help protect humanity. There will most likely be more on that later. Also, if you're lacking a huge Lee-Naruto fight scene, I'm saving that for later. As I'm really insecure in my abilities to write fight scenes, I hope you can forgive me.

And of course, I stubbornly refuse to apologize for the absurdly long time frame since my last update. I simply couldn't find any inspiration for where I was going for a long time and then the whole "demon-invasion" thing sort of took up a lot of my imagination. It was kind of dark and hard to at least sound semi-plausible. Then there was the "My-version-of-Hinata's-life-until-now" part, which also stumped me a bit. I'm still not all that happy with it, and if anyone wants to write out the fights and let me add them to this, I'll put them in at a later date. I will reserve the right to edit them a bit, but I won't publish it without persmission either.

And yes, I was supposed to write a very fluffy Hinata-Naruto date here. I can promise a bit of fluff, since there has been preciously little of what a normal date should be so far for our poor hero, but I bet you can all figure out just how much trouble you can get into if there's an aphrodisiac on the loose.

*Puts on a helmet* With all that said, please go easy on the flames. I think I'm quite a bit more inspired for the next chapter, and the other fic is also coming along, so I hope to get back to you soon.

Till then, ja ne!