Part Three of 'Eat it, Twilight'

If you haven't figured out that I'm biased (or that there's a shit-load to critique in Twilight) then stop reading now because a lot of this bashing is towards Twilight.

Swearing. Plotline and Character bashing.

Mostly between Dean and Emmett now.

"So…basically what you're saying is that nothing happened. Everyone gathers in this huge-ass clearing and then…nothing. The freaking baby saves the day?" Dean scoffed, twirling Ruby's knife easily in one hand, the other running itself through his thick, short hair. "And what is it with this fascination with golden eyes? Everything I see with golden eyes, I kill. It's not a good thing."

Bella meekly looked down, as she was prone to do and not offer any sort of verbal argument or justification, just continue rambling in her head for some human woman to write down and spill the secrets of her life. Attention whore, much? Emmett, however, always being the one to never shut up in the family, spoke for her;

~Well you're not much better. You go through five whole years of crap and then…he jumps in the hole. Genius. I never saw it coming. And that freaking Angel guy…all of you, actually…is there anyone who hasn't died or been trapped in your world, ever? I mean come on pretty much everyone we meet dies or gets locked up somewhere, often in horrible ways or places. At least we can settle our differences peacefully."

"It helps when the guy calling the shots is a power-hungry bastard and you have a magical baby. And how can you make fun of us dying when you start off dead? Hypocrite."

"You're just jealous because all the children in your world are either creepy, demonic or ghostly monsters, illegitimate or the Antichrist."

Dean rolled his eyes, shifting the blade from one hand to the other. It didn't work on vampires, but they didn't need to know that, of course; not since he took out mind-reading vampire. Or 'leech', as that shape-shifter wannabe had called him. Seriously, what kind of imaginative nickname is that? Oh well done, they both suck blood. Well guess what; there's a fucking huge difference between a tiny little slimy thing that you would only find in marshland and a fucking vampire. For one, they have huge fangs that can easily rip out your jugular…

Not these guys though. They just have normal teeth.


"Actually, they're not. But that's beside the point. You have a magical baby who can project thoughts, which, by the way, is so…pointless. The entire point of her power was to, what, convince Aro (nice name, by the way) that you weren't going to spill the beans (which you've done in a freaking book and movie) but that's so redundant because the guy can read minds anyway! And there's no…genetics involved! A combination of mental shielding and reading minds doesn't equal stupid thought-projecting babies!"

He shifted his weight again, cocking his head to one side as Emmett struggled against the ropes binding him to a chair. Well, that wasn't really it because seriously, vampire, but it helped when a certain Angel was using the powers of Heaven to keep the creature at bay. Castiel looked bored with the whole proceedings, but that seemed to be his permanent face nowadays.

"And don't get me started on the whole sex thing…"

"Like you can talk!" Emmett growled, glaring at Dean. "What, you're going to rant about how it took three and a half books for Bella and Edward to jump in the sack? At least it was longer than three minutes."

"Careful, bitch, you might just hurt my feelings," Dean replied with a smirk. "I was actually going to elaborate on my other point -."

"Ooh, big words -."

"Shut up. We're realistic, 'kay? The main characters, who don't get any in the story until the fourth freaking part of it, then get immediately pregnant with some weird hybrid that the God-fearing moral vampire wants to destroy. Does this make sense to anyone?"

"You know what? You're one to talk. Are you ever gonna sleep with your Angel friend? The eye-fuckery is getting old."

Dean flushed a little, pointedly not meeting Castiel's eyes when the Angel looked his way. "Not the point. I just want to say you have no personalities. It's sad when you get better-written stories on Fanfiction than in the actual book. That Edward guy is more interesting in the fan's eyes than when he was the actual character, vampire, whatever. And Bella! Oh God, 'Let's make me a blank canvas for preteen girls to project themselves onto'. Wow, you like books! Books! And you know what really sickens me?" He leaned forward, the knife gripped tightly in his hand as Bella flinched away. "You freaking use yourselves to republish a classic. Do you know how twisted that is? That's like the Jonas Brothers trying to bring back Zeppelin."

Bella shrank away from Dean, her expression twisted in fear as she tried to wriggle away from the bindings keeping her to her chair. Unfortunately, her almost-completely useless power didn't work against Angel magic. Score one for the nerd squad.

"Oh, a fight! Can I join in?" Suddenly Gabriel was there too, because, hey – sometimes the guy just has timing. He clapped his hands together, bouncing on his feet. "This looks fun. Dean, I didn't know you had such a bondage kink."

"Bite me, Gabriel."

"I'd be happy to," Emmett said, grinning in a way that was apparently meant to make humans feel a little like prey animals and get them to back away slowly. Unfortunately, after facing down the Devil, the little things like vampires don't seem to be as scary anymore, and Dean just grinned right on back.

Emmett subsided, realizing his 'awesome power of grinning like a pedo' power was on the frits. "Aren't you meant to be dead?" he grumbled, looking at the Archangel.

"Didn't you just say that we all keep coming back to life? Please, without me the show would just be ridiculous angst and UST between these two," Gabriel replied, gesturing between Dean and Castiel.

"Tell me about it."

"Hey, tell you what," Gabriel said, grinning and leaning forward and ignoring Dean's muttered 'Who's side are you on, anyway?'. "How's about I snap these bozos away and we can have a real fight?"

Emmett smirked, looking Gabriel's short stature up and down. "Sure," he said confidently, shrugging out of the ropes when Gabriel snapped his fingers, and they came undone. Bella stood as well – not that she really matters because hey; Archangel. She doesn't stand a chance.

Emmett charged, Bella bit her lip, Gabriel snapped his fingers, and Dean covered his eyes to stop the vampire blood and 'venom' – seriously? Fucking venom? – from getting in them, and then looked around to see various bits of burning vampire littered everywhere. He grinned at Gabriel, who smiled back.

"Three down. How many more to go?"

"Um…Jeez, I don't know. There's so freaking many of them and they keep breeding," Gabriel muttered to himself, and then clapped with childish, creepy glee. "That was more fun that Sodom."

"Oh…kay…" Dean shifted his weight again; as he was want to do. "Let's keep going. I sent Sam to go after the 'werewolves' and he should have radioed in by now. He might be in trouble."

Gabriel frowned, but nodded, and Dean had just enough time to brace himself for two of Castiel's fingers on his forehead before they were whisked away towards La Push.