3A/N: The next chapter of the incredibly random fanfic/RP.
Disclaimer: Nintendo owns almost everything but my friends, Beth, and I. Yay Nintendo. Jane also owns the Time Machine™. Teen Titans Abridged, A Christmas Story, J.K Rowling, Disney, Twilight Princess Abridged, and Batman also own something. Oh, and, remember when I said something about Steven Spielburg…? This is that something.
"Vaati….why are you sobbing?" Midna asked.
"My mom's tragic death scared me from life! You know this!" he sobbed harder.
"What did you do now?" Jane hissed.
"I think I over did it…."
Jane facepalmed herself, "We're going back?"
"No, we're going to keep emo angsty Vaati." Midna replied in a voice laced with sarcasm. She rolled her eyes. "Of COURSE we're going back! Back…BACK TO THE FUTURE!"
She suddenly blanked out and Jane waved her hand in front of her face.
And, then, Midna snapped back to attention. "Sorry, internet went down for a second. ...And I may have went downstairs to grab a cherry cough drop to suck on cause they're tasty...Or three...BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE, WE'RE GOING...BACK TO THE FUTURE!"
Instead of questioning what the fuck she was talking about, Jane replied tiredly, "Past."
"Whatever."
And thus, our two….heroes….or whatever the fuck you want to call them, went back in time.
"So, remember. Step once, make sure she's dead, LEAVE." Jane reminded her as Midna nodded. "There she is! Go get her!"
Unsurprisingly, Midna…tackled her.
SPLAT!
A huge grin overcame her fact. "She's dead!"
"Let's go." Jane ordered.
"Yes ma'am!"
They stepped in the Time Machine™ and went back to the present.
"If this doesn't work…" She was cut off by Midna's shouting.
"VAATI," Midna shouted.
"I will kill myself." she finished.
"Oh, please don't." Vaati frowned.
Jane hesitantly glanced at him. "He better be a prick still."
"Hytwilian, what the fuck are you wearing?" he glanced at her outfit. "You look like crap."
And it was true, her outfit was blood stained to no end.
"YAYZ," Jane hugged Vaati tightly as she exclaimed, "HE'S A DOUCHEBAG AGAIN…and you know I'm serious because I used a z instead of an s."
"Get the fuck off of me." He pushed her lightly, although it made her fall to the ground.
"Oh, yeah, you CERTAINTLY told me that the first time." Jane scoffed, speaking of the time he had paid to have sex with her.
"First time…?" Vaati gave her a confused look.
"YAY, my record is expunged!" Jane glanced down at her finger, only to find no wedding ring. "CRAP!"
"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS!" Midna cheered with her.
"I'm off to patrol the streets," she announced, winking.
You see, Jane had met her husband while patrolling the streets as a hooker. It wasn't the greatest way to hook up, but, hey. It got the job done.
"Oh, here it is." Vaati handed her a wedding ring. "You dropped it when you went off with Hytwilian."
"Oh, okay. Haha, I wasn't really gonna…" she put on the ring and drifted off.
Vaati kissed her. "It's alright, sweetie."
Jane and Midna's eyes widened in shock as their mouths hung open, noise uttering from them, not even a gasp.
"Hey…Vaati…" Jane began a bit hesitantly. "I got amnesia; can you tell me what happened again?"
Midna nodded. "Yeah, we both got amnesia."
He gave them a suspicious look before sighing. "Okay. We met in therapy and hit it off. Then we got engaged and married."
"Therapy…of course," she smiled. "Um, okay."
"Why did you go to therapy?"
Vaati shrugged. "My mother was tackled and died. It was very tragic and I just couldn't get over it…"
"Right…tragic…" Jane glared at the other girl.
Midna laughed nervously and whispered to herself. "Maybe I should have just stepped on her once…"
"How's Uncie Ezlo?" Jane decided to play along.
He glared at her. "Leave that prick out of this, Jane."
Jane frowned. "Sorry, I must have forgotten that as well. What happened there?"
Vaati frowned also. "Sorry, sweetie…hmph, even Hytwilian can tell you that one, though."
Midna's eyes shifted nervously. "I, uh…well…umm…"
"We hit our heads…HARD. We were on an adventure." Jane lied. "We're both missing things of our lives. Like who Midna's with and who can we hook her up with if it's no one?"
Vaati sighed. "Fine, well, you both remember me stealing the cap, right…? Hmph, she's dating that asshole Link."
"YAY, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE ONCE MORE!" Midna pumped her fist in the air. "So, Uncie Vaati, how are you today?" She grinned.
"Wait, wait, I'm missing something, aren't I? Oh well." Jane shook her head.
"That's one thing I regret." Vaati sighed sadly. "Being the uncle of her and Serenity…"
"I'm sorry we can't choose our own family."
"At least I get free sex from the person I love." He grinned as he walked off towards the kitchen. "What do you two want to eat?"
"OH DEAR DIN, HE'S GOING TO FEED US!" Midna hid under the couch. "NO, DON'T MAKE ME EAT IT!"
"Just a sandwich, please," Jane ignored her.
Midna shivered. "Do you know what happened the last time I asked him to make me a sandwich?"
Jane blushed, still off-put about the sex comment. "What happened?"
"My food tried to eat me! It's still on a rampage in my old house!"
"That sounds like just a normal day…"
Vaati came back into the room with a sandwich on a plate and handed it over to Jane. "Here you go."
Midna eyed the sandwich with great discomfort.
"Thank you, sweetie," Jane looked down at it.
"Why are you under the couch?" he eyed Midna.
"Because I'm scared, Uncie Vaati," Midna cried.
"FOOD EAT YOU!" The sandwich roared as Midna yelped in fright.
Jane simply bit into the sandwich, finished it, and lived.
"How come that keeps happening," Vaati shouted in frustration.
"You're too powerful to make a simple sandwich is all?" Jane tried to comfort him.
"I'll be right back." Vaati walked back into the kitchen with the unclean plate.
"So are you going to keep it this way…?" Midna asked, popping in the porn tape.
"I…don't know."
"OH SHIT, OH SHIT, OH SHIT. I FUCKING HATE TIME TRAVEL! LOOK! LINK IS LICKING SHAD'S CHEST AND LICKING SHADOW'S EARS! WHICH COULD ONLY MEAN ONE THING," Midna shouted just quietly enough NOT to get Vaati to hear.
"Vaati's the hero?"
"Yeah," she hissed.
"And…Link is…well…Link's not?"
"How the fuck did that happen?! AND WHY THE FUCK DOES LICKING SOMEONE'S CHEST AND SOMEONE'S EARS MAKE YOU A VILLAIN?! AND DAMN IT, HE'S LICKING VAATI'S CHEST, TOO!"
"…I…don't need to see that…" Jane blushed once more.
"THIS IS SO DISTURBING NOW THAT VAATI IS MY UNCLE!" She was frozen solid in fear. "GET IT OFF, I CAN'T EVERT MY EYES!"
Jane pulled out the tape.
"Phew." Shamefully, Midna put the tape away. "Okay, game place. I saw we look for my fiancé. If he's a villain, we go back in time. If not, you're stuck with Vaati as a husband."
"Alright, sounds like a plan. Vaati," she called.
"Yes…?" Vaati walked in.
"We're going to go find Midna's bastard husband…fiancé…"
"Have fun."
"BYE UNCIE VAATI!" Midna gave him a kiss on the cheek and quick hug before skipping off.
"Love you!"
"Love you, too, Jane." The door shut.
Jane froze.
"Why'd you say 'love you'?" Midna raised an eyebrow.
"I…don't…know. And…I…" she gulped, "Meant it."
"Oh crap."
"Let's go, now."
"FAST," Midna ordered as Batman music played. "NANANANANANANANNANANANANANA BATMAN!"
TIME SKIP
"And that's exactly why I want a red ridder's beebee gun. I, er, mean…that's exactly why I want you to let us in."
"Seriously…Girl Scout cookies," Dark eyed them.
"Yeah, Girl Scout cookies," Midna nodded.
"They're yummy." Jane winked.
"Look, I know your Link's fiancé…just go." Dark sighed.
"Yay," Midna darted ahead.
Jane followed.
"LINK," Her voice echoed off the walls.
Jane…followed.
"What do you want?" Link walked into the room, letting out a dramatic sigh.
Midna sighed, an irritated look, which seemed to be reserved for Jane, crossed her face. "He's a prick."
"Crap."
"Oh, Midna, too excited for the wedding and want to have sex now?" he let out a suggestive growl.
She rolled her eyes. "Sigh, of course I do." Immediately, she clasped her hands over her mouth.
"Really," he asked in an overly excited tone and gained an excited look. "You never say yes to me! I…er…mean…of course you do sweet cheeks."
Jane cocked her head to the side suddenly. "Am I a slut?"
"Yeah," Link replied.
"Crap? Did I sex you?"
"You did, once. Cost a fucking lot, though."
"GOOD!"
"…No wonder why Vaati hates him…" Midna murmured.
"I'm an EXPENSIVE slut, though." Jane grinned.
"Let's get out of here before I pounce on him and rip his clothes off. I have the strong urge to and I'm scared."
"Alright…though I'm sure he wouldn't mind that."
Midna darted off, Jane following…again.
The two stood outside, Midna pacing back and forth.
"Okay, so, issues. You actually have feelings for Vaati. I actually want to sex that perverted womanizing slut."
"Brb," Jane announced.
"THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BRB! WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GO WHEN YOU BRB?! YOU JUST STAND IN FRONT OF ME ALL ZONED OUT AND WON'T RESPOND UNTIL YOU ANNOUNCE THAT YOU'RE BACK!"
"BACK," Jane shouted excitedly.
"WTF," Midna yelled.
"You have heard of a time vortex theory, right?"
"No."
"After you spend a certain amount of time in a different reality, you start to feel the feelings and emotions like you should instead of how you want to…like…usually you would not want to sex the womanizer. But, because you're stuck in 'Now You', not 'Real You', you want to sex him up and down…am I right?" She winked.
"Yes!" A sloppy grin fell over her face before she clasped her hands over her mouth once more. She unclasped them. "I mean yes! DAMN IT! In that case, you want to sex Vaati up and down and then eat all of the sandwiches he makes because he's super adorable and awesome to you! Right," Midna winked this time.
Jane blushed, "Bitch."
"I rulez…oh, wait, I suck. I did this. Damn."
"Yeah, so, are we going to change it or give in?"
"But I want to have sex with Link!" she whined. "GAH, SHUT UP!"
"Either now you will sex Link up and down the halls after your wedding or in about an hour…so…"
"And you're going to end up having crappy spaghetti with Vaati and pull a Lady and the Tramp, right?"
"Correct…but I'm not an expensive slut in the other reality…I AM, but, Vaati ripped me off that one time."
"Obviously, in this reality, you DON'T get ripped off."
"Exactly, but, I miss Oliver."
"Hey, we should see where Oliver, Kay, and Sere are in this reality!"
"Yeah," Jane agreed.
"Then we can make up our minds! Let's go!"
The two walked through the town and past alleyways when Midna suddenly pointed down one. "Hey! There's Oliver! And…is that Shad? Why is my dad having sex with my other reality uncle…?"
"Oliver's gay here?" Jane gasped.
"Well, now, that's just ironic!"
"Well, it IS an alternate reality."
Shad glanced up and blushed. "Babe, there's girls here."
"Oh!" Oliver exclaimed.
"Daddy," Midna started to run up to give Shad and a hug and stopped when she realized he had no clothes on. "…Never mind."
"Nope, I think they might be bi!" An excited expression crossed Jane's face.
Oliver covered himself up, blushing brightly.
Jane glanced at Oliver and mused over him. "He always was a little shy."
"No, we're gay. Who are you, little girl?" Shad answered Jane before glancing down at Midna, putting a book in front of his business.
Midna frowned. "I'm Hytwilian."
"Damn. Watch out for a paper-cut!"
"OW, PAPER-CUT!" Shad shouted.
Jane, Midna, and Oliver sweatdropped at the distressed shout, shaking their heads sadly with a sigh before the girls asked their question.
"Do you know Kay?"
"Yeah, she's on the other street." Oliver pointed ahead.
"Oh, so KAY got my unlucky patrolling job." Jane chuckled.
"MOMMY," Midna ran ahead.
"Nice to meet you guys." Jane followed after her.
"MOMMY," Midna shouted again as she tackle glomped Kay.
"GAH," Kay fell roughly on her back.
"Kay…?" Jane poked her with a stick.
"Oh, hi Mids, hi Jane," Kay waved from the ground. "What up, home skillets?"
Midna got off of her and helped her when Kay suddenly snapped at someone.
"Shadow, stop chasing pigeons," she ordered.
Jane and Midna sweatdropped for the second time that day while they watched a blur run around.
"But it's fun!" A voice protested-obviously Shadow's.
"You're chasing all my customers away." Kay sighed.
"Fine." He stopped. "How are you sweetie?" Shadow questioned as he ruffled Midna's hair.
"Qua…? Are…are you my Daddy?"
"Of course…?" Shadow ruffled her hair again.
"JANE, LET'S GO FIND SERE!" Midna walked quickly, leaving behind Jane.
"Where's Sere?" Jane turned to Kay.
"Iono," Kay shrugged, walking off with Shadow.
Jane soon caught up with Midna and they passed down other alleys. One contained Sweeney Todd fucking Salt.
"Psh, some things never change." Midna sighed, shaking her head.
The two passed by a duck and zebra getting it on.
Midna didn't say anything as she passed by it with a very very confused expression.
"Hey, maybe she's in here?" Midna pushed open a door to a wand shop.
"Oh shit. Is…is she with….oh my fucking god."
"Oh my Nayru," Midna gasped.
"POTTER?! I think I just died…tragically." Jane announced.
Sere whirled around, "Auntie, twin?"
"Hey there, Sere, just…wondering where everyone is, is all."
Midna shook her twin by the shoulders, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
Harry Potter waves to Midna, "Hey, Mids."
Jane grabbed Midna roughly by the arm. "We should go now. Nice seeing you guys!" She dragged her out of the wand shop.
Midna began to sob all of a sudden. "I WANNA FUCK LINK!" She smacked herself. "DAMN IT SHUT UP ABOUT LINK!"
"We're leaving and going back." Jane flatly stated as she dragged Midna.
"I WANNA FUCK HIM!"
"It'll be okay. We're going back to my and Vaati's house and I'll say good-bye and we'll change the past."
"Wait…why do you want to say good-bye?"
"You wanna fuck Link? I actually love Vaati? Do you remember any of this?"
"Oh. Sob. It's like a tragic romance."
"I've never actually seen someone SAY sob when they're sobbing…and I want Oliver back, but, he's gay here."
"NEVER TO BE TRULY TOGHTHER," Midna continued on her tragic romance rant crap.
"Nothing against gays, but…I WANT MY MAN BACK, DAMN IT," Jane shouted.
Midna opened the door to the house. "Fine, I get it."
"Thank you."
"UNCIE VAATI, WE'RE BACK!"
"Hm," He glanced up from something.
"What the fuck is that?'
"What's that?"
He put the Four Sword away, shrugging, "Just polishing something."
Midna shivered. "That's just too ironically disturbing."
"Well, honey, Midna and I are going on another quest, okay?" Jane smiled weakly.
"Another quest," Vaati raised an eyebrow.
"Adventure, sorry, wrong word, we might be gone a while this time, too."
"Why don't I come? I'm getting restless and don't want you two getting hurt." He hugged Jane.
Midna cut in once more. "Sob."
And then, Jane was crying. "It'll be okay. We'll be back and everything will be alright." She kissed him. "Alright, let's go before I can't."
Vaati wiped her tears away after kissing her back. "If you're sure…have fun."
She smiled sadly. "We will, sweetie."
He tried to brighten the mood up slightly. "And don't bring back another pet!"
Grinning, she nodded, "Aw, alright."
"Why the fuck is there a zebra in the living room…? You know what…don't answer." Midna shook her head and stepped into the Time Machine™ with Jane.
She grinned as they were back in the past. "I NO LONGER WANNA SEX LINK! Well, yeah, I do, but, not until I'm like twenty…"
"Only step on her once." Jane ordered.
Midna glanced over at her before she did anything. "Are you sure you'll be alright…?"
"Yeah, let's just rip out my hear quickly." Jane sighed.
"Okay…" Midna frowned.
STOMP!
SPLAT!