Thorughly Unbeta-d. This is my first forey into Glee fiction terratory. Have fun?

The songs used are: "I'm a Stranger Here Myself," "I Know him so Well"- Chess


Isn't it maddening, watching someone throw themselves at someone?

Especially when they have no chance?

Especially when you want to throw yourself at them?

Isn't it maddening. It drives me up the wall. Every time you bat your eyelashes, give those subtle smiles and indulging laughs, and those wistful sighs you think no-one hears, it makes me want to scream. It makes me want to jump and throw something at the back of his head to be missing something – someone – as amazing as you.

And I know…this seems so sudden. So nonchalant. So out of nowhere. But it's not. And I swear it didn't start with your dancing in front of the football team in pads.

Though that definitely didn't make it any damn easier.

It came on so gradually. Seeing you so confident helped it. It's impressive really…how you can just be you. I can't. I'm still too much the jock. Too much the kid that doesn't want to upset the norm. Too much the coward. But not you. You're…you, no matter how many times you go dumpster diving for it.

I always miss that.

I'm never there.

I can't trust myself to be there.

I may say something…do something I'm not ready for.

Like I said. I'm a coward.

Which is how I cannot understand why on earth you joined the football team. Talk about walking into the lion's den. Into the middle of all the…well hate. I hear it. I wish I didn't. Didn't laugh quietly along with it. But I do. I did. I don't know anymore.

It's gotten harder since glee…to just go along with things. Since you I guess.

Then there was the day Coach said we had to choose. And…I panicked. I thought I wasn't coming to glee. I wrestled with it. I really did. But I knew by this point where you would be. And that's all that really mattered then. I came to glee. And I wanted to walk over and do something corny and romantic, like say that I did this for you. But I faltered and Brittany was there to keep me from looking a fool.

She's good at that. Good at deflecting. Distracting. Protecting. She's the one that taught me we all have secrets. Some of us are just better at deflecting them. And some of us keep them buried.

I know when that changed though. When I wanted to throw my secret to the world. Ballads. I hated that day. That week. Hated every second of it. Oh it wasn't Tina. Tina's cool. We have inside jokes about asiany things. Like how she can rap fantastically, as long as it's in Chinese. Or how my iPod is filled with crazy Korean pop music that makes no sense to anyone. But she wasn't who I hoped to get.

I wanted you.

I was practically bouncing in my chair, doing my best to not look anxious and excited. And then Finn pulled your name. I could feel my excitement just kinda bleed off. I only managed a sneer – half hearted at that – when Tina pulled my name. And that week turned into such hell.

I knew which song you wanted to sing to Finn. And it just makes me so mad.

He doesn't look at you!

He doesn't want you!

He doesn't love you!

I ended up singing something from my mom's old movies. I found it rifling through her DVDs looking for something that wasn't overly sappy. And this one just kinda fell out. Based off a Broadway play.

And I'm a stranger here myself.

Tina sat through it all, just watching. "I dream of a day, of a warm gay day, with my face between his hands…" and she just nodded.

When I finished, before we all met up to practice for Finn and Quinn's ballad, she told me to man up. And I want to. I know what I want…what I need to say.

I look at you.

I want you.

I'm in love with you Kurt.

And isn't it madness…you can't be mine.