Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or the characters used, they belong to Arakawa-sama.
Warnings: Ed's language, and language in general. (I cuss as much as Ed does.) Oh, there is very much implied RoyXEd and implied AlXWin because I can.
A/N: This came to me at random, is random, and meant to be humorous in some way. It's funny to me because I get to pick on Ed lol. (My brother keeps telling me that if Ed were real he'd have killed me by now for all the shit I put him through. Hope you enjoy.
Ed sat quietly at the kitchen table of Roy's home which was now his home and which began to be his place of residence for two years now. He and Roy were together close to five months before Ed finally conceded that it was pointless to continue to pay rent for his apartment across town if he was always at Roy's house and so had moved in. He'd told Al and Winry and those he did consider friends that he was gay shortly after getting together with Roy and was living pretty comfortably.
He was drinking a cup of coffee on one of the few days he had off and Roy was already at Central H.Q. as he was on most mornings except weekends. It just happened to be a Friday and that left Ed looking forward to the weekend. He looked up from the alchemy research he'd brought with him from the civilian institute he worked at when there was a knock at the door. He knew it couldn't be someone from H.Q. they would have just called if something was up so he closed his book and set down his coffee on the table before getting to his feet and making his way out of the kitchen, across the living room and then to the front door. He didn't bother to put on shoes or feel bothered by the fact that he was wearing only his khaki slacks he'd taken to wearing when he started working at the institute. But he did pull his hair back into a high pony tail using the hairband he usually wore around his left wrist absently.
He opened the door and was a little startled to see Winry standing on the other side of the door. She was wearing her usual black skirt and white shirt and her hair was tied back in a pony tail as well and she was looking at him with a sort of questioning expression. She looked him up and down and then glared, "Aren't you going to let me in?"
Ed returned the glare and crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned against the door frame, "What in the world are you doing here?"
She brushed past him shoving him in the shoulder before walking into the house and making herself at home on the couch. Ed scowled and slammed the door shut before turning and glaring at her, "What the fuck Winry? You can't just barge into someone's home and-"
"I need to talk to you," she said quietly cutting Ed's rant off short. Ed sighed and let his anger fade at the seemingly pleading look on her face.
"Why do you need to talk to me, Al's more the consoling type?"
"I know, but you're the only one I could think of to turn to about this sort of thing?"
Ed raised a questioning eyebrow at her and walked back to the kitchen to retrieve his coffee before he paused and called out to her, "Do you want some coffee or something?"
Ed nodded to himself and set to making her a cup of coffee, he'd spent enough time with her to know that she liked milk and three spoonfuls of sugar in her coffee. Once made he returned to the living room and sat in the chair positioned across the room from the door setting her coffee down on the coffee table before taking a drink of his own cooling coffee and looking to her.
She remained silent for a moment twisting her hands in her lap and biting her lip before she reached for the coffee, took a sip, set it back down and then looking to him.
"It's about me and Al."
Ed gave a short nod, "I figured as much when you just showed up here saying you wanted to talk."
"Then why'd you ask why I couldn't turn to Al?"
"I'm still wondering that, if it's about the two of you then the two of you should talk about it not you and me."
"You're his brother and my best friend so you're the expert. Anyway it's . . . How . . . umm . . . well I was wondering . . . "
Ed was never a patient person and listening to her stuttering was quick to ignite his temper once more, he growled and then snapped at her, "Just spit it out already!"
She glared and then blurted out what she was trying to say with anger in her tone, "I need advice on sex."
This time it was Ed that stuttered and he nearly choked on the coffee he'd just drank as he stared at her wide eyed. "What?" He asked incredulously before adding, "Oh hell no, I am not having this conversation. No way in hell!"
Winry sighed exasperated, "Edward, I just want advice on what works."
"What works? No," he shook his head and stood up, "No, no freaking way. Go ask someone else, fuck ask Roy or something."
"Ed, will you grow up, you're already twenty-one years old. Why can't two close friends talk about their sex lives?"
"Because its' your sex life!" Ed was glaring at her now.
"And? You're gay so-"
"So what! It's still you and my . . . my brother . . . so no. N.O. Go find someone else to talk to."
"Ed," she drawled which just made him stomp his foot and end up spilling coffee on his hand and chest as he shook his head violently, "No. Why the hell would you come to me anyway?"
"You're the only one I could come to, you're a guy and you're with another guy and you're my best friend Ed."
"So, go find another guy friend to talk to."
"You know that you're the only guy friend that I would trust with this that happens to be with another guy."
"Arg, damn it Winry, I said no. Get out of here, go talk to Riza or something."
"But she's a woman, and a lesbian."
"So what, she'd bound to have been with a guy some time or another."
"No she hasn't I asked her myself."
Ed ran his hand through his hair pulling a few strands lose in the process and turned away from her. He sat down at the kitchen table and picked up his book before slamming it closed on the table again when Winry asked him again, "Ed please."
"Why the fuck do you have to come to me about this sort of shit?"
She smiled at the fact that some of his anger had died down, "I already told you-"
He waved the rest of what she had to say off, "Yeah, yeah, I get it already. But its' still disturbing."
"Haven't you and Al ever talked about sex with one another?"
Ed sighed, "Not really, didn't have time to think about it before and now we don't exactly have all that much in common. He's with you, I'm with Roy, that's that. Brothers' usually talk about the girls they're seeing."
Winry shrugged and sat down across the table from him, "Well that makes sense, but I'm sure Al would want to talk to you about it sometime, he likes to know how things are with you and what's going on with your life."
"I'm happy and I'm fine, or at least I was until you sprang this up on me."
Winry glared halfheartedly at him, she would have usually beat him over the head for that but she did need his help so she contained herself. "Ed, this isn't comfortable for me either you know, but I really do need some advice."
Ed gulped down the rest of his coffee and stood up heading to the pantry at the back of the kitchen to try and find that bottle of Amaretto he usually kept here when he was in the mood to drink. Right now he needed that drink. It was smooth going down when he poured the first glass and gulped it down and the reason he liked the drink was because it was smooth, but it took time to hit you and when the time came it could just as strong as the whiskey Mustang usually drank when he was having a shitty day.
Ed took another drink before setting the bottle on the counter and kicking the pantry door closed and then returned to the kitchen table and resumed his seat. Winry was watching him the entire time but he didn't care, she couldn't expect him to actually have this conversation sober. "So?'
She sighed, "I want to liven up our sex life, but I don't know how to do it exactly."
"You've been together for a year now and you still haven't figured this out yet?"
"Figured what out?"
"Guys are easy, its' chicks that are hard to turn on, one of the reasons I was never interested in them much, too much work and way too emotional and sentimental."
Winry huffed, "Ed, don't think I still won't beat the hell out of you."
Ed winced but continued after taking another sip of his drink, "Look, unless you plan on surprising him or something I'm pretty sure that he'll go for anything you want to try out or whatever. He's still a guy after all."
"Yeah, but seeing as how you're his brother and the two of you are like twins I was hoping for something more specific."
"More specific? Like what? Al and I don't talk about our sex lives remember?"
"Ed, come on, there has to be something you can tell me."
"You're his girlfriend, you should know more about what he likes and dislikes."
"He's shy so how could I?"
Ed cursed under his breath, he really hated where this was going. Winry wasn't usually a bashful person and she was getting bolder and bolder and less embarrassed and he really didn't want to know any details about what she and his little brother did together.
"Ask him about it or something."
"Ed, this is Al we're talking about, trying to get him to come out and say what turns him on and what doesn't is not something he will be able to talk about."
Ed emptied his glass, stood and walked over to the counter, poured another glass and brought the bottle back with him and set it down on the table in front of him. He ignored the glare Winry sent his way and waited in silence for her to continue. She said nothing for a while then let out another sigh, "Why do you drink that stuff, its' too sweet."
"Because its' better than that whiskey shit Mustang drinks."
Winry shrugged, "Whiskey and Amaretto? Tequila is better, both of you have bad tastes in liquors."
Ed scoffed, "I like what I like and you can keep drinking that imported shit all you want."
"Al likes amaretto as well you know, another thing the two of you have in common."
Ed swallowed, he could see where this was going and he was going to start drinking a lot faster if she asked him about his sex life in an attempt to help spice up hers. Sure enough after another few seconds of silence she said, "I bet that Al might like some of the same things you do."
Ed groaned and finished his glass before pouring another, he was sorely going to regret how much he'd already drank in about an hour or two. Roy was going to be pretty pissed to start off their weekend when he came home to find a completely wasted and sleeping Ed lying around wherever he happened to pass out. Damn it Winry, why the hell do you have to show up unannounced and pull into a conversation I would rather not have?
"What is it-"
"Don't you dare ask me about my sex life," Ed snapped at her just a bit slurred, his anger came out less venomous and more like a casual comment than the warning he'd meant it to be.
"You're alcohol tolerance sucks, then again you do have automail so . . . Seriously though, I really do want to know what works with you so that maybe it will help me come up with something that might-"
"Knock it off," he managed to snap at her before she could finish her sentence.
"Ed, we're adults. Considering how close you two are and how much you know each other and some of the similarities you two have even though it doesn't show in the least when you're around each other, there's bound to be something that works with you that would work with-"
"Damn it Winry, this is supposed to, just don't say his name, its' bad enough I ended up dragged into this conversation."
"Alright, fine you big baby. But I still want to know."
"I don't want to tell."
She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him, "Damn it Ed, you're not helping."
"I told you I wouldn't be of any help, you should talk to Roy. I'm sure he'd be more helpful anyway."
"Because he's been with you long enough to actually know what works with you or because you're too immature to have this conversation?"
"Both," Ed bit out and got to his feet a little shakingly before he slammed his hand on the table and glared at her, "Just, do whatever the hell feels right to you alright."
"That's actually good advice."
"Wonderful, now go away," he said over his shoulder as he made his way to the couch and slumped down onto it.
"Are you expecting your lover home soon or something Edward?"
"Get the hell out woman, you've tortured me enough today."
She smiled wickedly at him and then turned to the door, "I could bet that the General would love to tell me all the kinky stories of the two of you together." She chuckled when she glanced over her shoulder to see Ed blushing scarlet. She was quick to get back outside and close the door behind her just in time to avoid the book thrown at her. She laughed as she made her way down the sidewalk to see Mustang leaning back against the car parked out on the street.
He smirked at the grin on her face as she came to stand in front of him, "Did he actually say anything helpful at all?"
"A few things, mostly just things Al would have told me anyway. That was a great idea, I don't think he'll ever be able to stop wondering if I did ask you."
"Ask me what," he said as he stood up fully and uncrossed his arms.
"About what kind of kinks the two or you are into."
Roy laughed and opened the car door for her, "I'll give you a ride home, did you tell him about your engagement yet Miss Winry?"
She shook her head, "No, not yet, but I will once everything is planned and set up. Have you asked him yet?"
"No, but I plan to this weekend, he doesn't know it yet but we're going out of town for the next week."
He closed the door and then walked around the car to the drivers' side. Once behind the wheel Winry smiled at him, "Thanks for the help General."
"Call me Roy, Miss Winry, we are practically family now after all."
"Well, we will be soon. I'm absolutely sure that he'll say yes. I also wanted to think you for arranging everything for me and Al's honeymoon as well."
"Of course, it was my pleasure. Thank you for your pleasant company and for the boost in confidence I needed."
"I can't blame you for being unsure, Ed's a bit complicated at times and all. It was really Al that convinced me that his brother would say yes and I really just repeated a lot of what he said. Where did you decide to go if you don't mind me asking?"
"I thought I'd go to Xing, introduce Ed to my family, its' been a really long time."
"That sounds like a brilliant idea," she said with smile.
"I hope so."
After thought A/N: I might continue, I don't know yet. How this started out random, turned into a planned prank of sorts and then developed some sort of half plot or something is beyond me, you're guess is as good as mine. Can't I just write one shots every now and then *rips at hair and bangs head on desk* :P I also know that this idea has been used already, well the end of it and that if it continued that the whole Roy taking Ed to meet his family thing has been done before and that's its kinda cliche and all that. I know this, I'm telling you I know this :lol: It's a fun idea, sue me. I should add, I'm poor so suing me is useless and I'm not nice or anything so I'd end up making it a not so happy experience for the two of them and all. Must kill plot bunnies, must kill them before they give me an idea for this and force me to work on yet another story. Ahaha, love ya, thanks for reading.