A/N: I don't own the Twilight Saga, or any of its characters.

Chapter One

Everyday since I came back to Forks, Washington, one month ago, I have stood motionless in the forest, listening to and sometimes watching Bella Swan— now Bella Black— move on with her life without me. Exactly six months and two and a half days have passed since I got a call from Alice saying that Bella had completely disappeared from her visions.

"I'm sorry Edward, I know you told me not to look for Bella, but I can't help it; I'm attuned to her. Edward, she has been disappearing for hours, sometimes even days at a time over the past six years, but she's gone altogether now. It's been month! I think something has happened. Please let me go check on her!"

"What? No, you can't go, Alice. I'm sure she's fine. It has been seven years since we left, after all. Maybe you're just not as attuned as you think. You're not going back. None of you are. I promised her—"

"I know, I know, peace without reminders," Alice finished for me, quoting the words I had told Bella that disastrous day in the woods.1

"You're not going back." I expected an argument, but Alice was quiet for a moment.

"You're right. I'm not going back…you are. Oh, Edward! Please!"

"No!" I shouted into the phone and hung it up. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't go back. But, oh how I wanted to! Just to see her face one more time, just to make sure she was safe. If she was okay, I promised myself I'd leave right away again. I wouldn't endanger Bella with my presence.

My phone rang again. Alice. "What, Alice?" I growled into the phone.

"I just saw her again. I think she's okay, but it was so hazy and then she disappeared again. What could be going on? I'm really worried."

For five months I debated going back. What if she was dead? Could I handle that? I knew the answer, I couldn't. I would not live in this world if Bella didn't exist. But she couldn't be dead. Alice continued to see her intermittently, always in short blips, always hazy. Alice's little updates drove me crazy. As if I needed one more way to think and worry about Bella. For the last seven years, Bella has been in every thought I have had. Seven years! Usually time goes quickly for me, but the years without Bella dragged on like an eternity. Each moment was agony, each moment was uncertainty, and each moment was guilt. When I left Bella, I left every semblance of who I was before. Not only had I lost the reason for my existence, but I also lost my family, my way of life. I couldn't stand to be near my family. They were all so in love, so worried about me, so wrapped up in their own guilt about what had happened. I couldn't stand it. After a while, I even stopped hunting. I no longer drank the blood of animals, nor did I partake of human blood. I did not drink at all. That desire was long gone by now. The thirst was still there, but I had no desire to quench it. I didn't need energy. I didn't need the strength. I didn't need refreshment. What I needed was to wrap myself in a ball and let the desolation crush me.

Things were a little better when I was hunting Victoria. Chasing her down and tracking her gave me something to do. In hunting her, I was making the world safer for Bella; I was still protecting her. But, it seemed that Victoria had fallen from the face of the earth.

Now, all that was left of me was my love, desperation, and overwhelming misery over the girl I had lost. Perhaps "lost" isn't the best word to use here. "Threw away" would be more appropriate. I threw Bella's love away. Not because I didn't need it or didn't value it, but because I needed to protect her. At least, that's what I told myself. Over time I've come to realize that I wasn't just protecting her, I was protecting myself. "What kind of protection would a 100+ year old vampire need from a 17-year old mortal girl?" you might ask. If leaving Bella were agony, seeing her die, loosing her because of what I am would be a million times worse. I have seen her die thousands of different ways in Alice's visions. In these visions Bella is always pale, cold, and lifeless, but sometimes also crushed or broken in pieces, blood dripping down her mouth or throat. The intense light and depth in her eyes is always gone. She is blank and empty.

To add to these imaginings, I could remember with perfect recall, seeing her body bruised and broken, lying on the ballet studio floor because I had provoked James. Then, I also remembered seeing her arm slashed through with glass, bleeding because I threw her into a table, trying to protect her from my brother who had tried to attack her after she got a paper cut! If I had stayed with her, one of Alice's visions would inevitably occur and take Bella away from this world, from me. Loosing her like that would have killed me, literally, so I left, thinking that as long as I knew Bella was alive, I could be happier, even if it meant that I couldn't be with her, even if she moved onto someone else.

Now she had moved on to someone else. Jacob Black. This would explain why she was disappearing from Alice's visions, but I'll get to that later.

Bella and Jacob started dating about a year after I left. They got engaged eight months ago and have been married for two. They returned from their honeymoon just a couple of weeks before I came back.

From what I can piece together in Jacob's mind, Bella was hideously depressed after I left. One of Jacob's worst memories of Bella was of the night I left. Apparently, she had gotten lost in the woods, something I had dreaded and tried to prevent by leaving a note for Charlie. One of the Quileute men, Sam Uley, found her lying on the forest floor, drenched with rain and shivering, her lips a pale blue. Her face was so ghostly and lifeless that Jacob had thought she was dead as Sam carried her into the crowd of men who had formed the search party. It was only when she muttered, "He's gone," that he realized that she was alive, only in shock. After that, she didn't eat and lost a significant amount of weight for someone of her size. Her eyes, already large, seemed to fill up her whole face. Her lovely curves shrunk and were replaced by bones that jutted out in frightening ways. She didn't sleep much either, and always looked haggard. Charlie told Jacob about her having nightmares that brought her out screaming. She was a zombie for months. This was before she started hanging around Jacob.

Suddenly, Bella got out of her zombie phase and started to engage in reckless activities, and it was these activities that brought Bella and Jacob together. Remembering that he built cars, Bella had brought over two decrepit motorcycles for Jacob to fix with her. After he repaired them, he taught her how to ride.

I had always known that Jacob had a thing for Bella, but at this point, his affection for her grew. Their relationship was rocky at first. It took Bella a few years to completely recover from her depression, but Jacob was persistent. He figured out that doing dangerous things helped Bella deal with her pain. Knowing that he would be unable to stop her even if he tried, he joined her, doing his best to protect her in her escapades. Through his memories, I saw them take hikes in the forest during the supposed bear attacks, ride motorcycles, and jump off a cliff into the ocean with a group of Jacob's friends.

Jacob's "friends" was a whole other issue. Perhaps "friends" wasn't the right word. "Pack" was more appropriate. That's right. Jacob was a member of a pack of werewolves, or rather shape-shifters who turn into wolves in order to protect the Quileute tribe and the people of Forks from vampires, vampires like me. This was why Alice couldn't see Bella clearly anymore. Bella's life is inextricably tied to Jacob's and Alice can't see the wolves. It could be because they are so unpredictable, or because she has never been a wolf herself.

The pack knew I was here, or at least that a vampire was nearby, but since there had been no deaths or disappearances, they had begun to relax some of their patrols. They were suspicious that it was a Cullen, but they didn't want to make big deal out of it, not wanting word to get around to Bella. I heard Jacob recall one of his friend's jokes about my presence as he and his pack debated who I was.

"There haven't been any missing people or suspicious deaths that we know of, so maybe it is a Cullen. If it is one of them, we've got to be careful. The fact that the scent is always near Jacob's house is another clue. Maybe they're checking in on Bella, not that I get why. If they were really worried about her, why did they leave in the first place? Then again, there hasn't been a slump in the local animal population either, so maybe it's not a Cullen."

I knew that if I revealed my presence, the treaty between the tribe and my family would protect me, but I didn't want them to know it was me for sure. First of all, even if my leaving had allowed Jacob to enter Bella's life, he still hated me for causing her pain. If he knew it was me lurking outside his house, he would probably try to kill me. With his pack's help, he might succeed, and I wasn't ready to die…yet. Secondly, even if Jacob didn't kill me, he sure as hell wouldn't let me stand out here, peeping at his wife.

Seeing Bella was a relief, but also pain, pain that was in some ways worse than the pain I had suffered while away from her. This current misery was much more multifaceted than my previous anguish, and thus more intense, though I wasn't as hopeless, because I had learned something: I would never live without her in my life again. Whether this meant that I would find some way to get her back, or whether I would just remain a vampire stalker for the rest of her life, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that I get to see her, hear her, smell her, and most of all, watch over her and protect her if necessary.

I could divide my pain into eight categories. First, there was the pain from leaving her in the first place, of not being able to call her mine anymore. I had carried this over from my time away from her.

Second, there was the pain in watching her love Jacob. She undeniably loved him. I could see it in the fervent way she looked at him and in the way she molded her body to his when he held her. I could hear it in the tenderness in her voice as she spoke to him or of him. I heard it in her panic when he had to go on patrol. I heard it as she sighed, called, and even shouted his name in her sleep, in the throes of passionate lovemaking, in their arguments, and in their everyday conversation. Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. Her voice wrapped around that name like a blanket.

My third pain was related to the pain in knowing Bella loved Jacob. As I have stood here, I have had to listen to them make love many, many times. Jacob loves Bella well and always leaves her satisfied. I know that I could never satisfy Bella like that. How could I, cold, restrained, and repressed as I am? I remembered how Bella had wanted me in that way, how she threw herself into every kiss, always pushing the boundaries of my restraint. I wasn't able make love to her the way I wanted to and I never would. But how I longed to be with Bella in that way! To feel her warm body pressed against mine, her hot mouth moving with my own, her legs wrapped around me, her breath fast and panting, her skin glowing with sweat, her heart racing. Voyeur though I was, I took no pleasure in hearing her do these things with Jacob.

My fourth pain was in knowing that I had failed to protect her in a few different, though equally devastating, ways. First, my leaving did not save her. I had always thought I was the most dangerous thing in her life, but I was wrong. Jacob was the one who had to step in for my lack of foresight; he was her protector now. Victoria had come for Bella. She sent Laurent first, something I had not anticipated. When the pack took him down, she came herself. As I had experienced, Victoria had a gift for evasion. It took a while, but the pack finally overtook her, and they destroyed her as I had longed to do. They succeeded in ways I never had.

My fifth pain was that Bella was pregnant— five and a half months to be exact. Her curves were softened by the pregnancy, her breasts fuller, her body making itself ready for the birth of her child. She had that glow that healthy and happy expectant mothers often have. She was absolutely beautiful like this. This was another thing that Jacob could give her that I could not. I could not give her a daughter like the one she carried inside of her, Laurel Sarah Black. The name of this child was like a bitter taste on my tongue. I would never be a father. My seed could never soften and fill out Bella's body or make her glow as she did now.

My sixth pain was in knowing the many ways Jacob could hurt Bella, and that I was unable to do anything to protect her. If Jacob ever lost his temper with Bella, he could kill her, or at least disfigure her. I saw Emily Young's face in Jacob's mind, a brutal reminder of what he could do to my sweet, trusting Bella.

He could also leave her. This pain was mixed up with desire. I both wanted and feared that Jacob would leave Bella. I've heard him think about the imprinting phenomenon. Sometimes he worries that he hasn't imprinted on Bella. He's afraid that he'll imprint on someone else. How could he leave her after everything they had been through? They went through my own leaving, Jacob's transformation, Victoria coming for Bella, and much later, Charlie's dying from a heart attack. Now, they were married and expecting their first child. How could he leave her after all of that? Other times he feels sanguine in the belief that if he hasn't imprinted after so many years, he's not likely to now. Besides, what would be the point? He didn't need to imprint from a genetic standpoint. His genes were already being passed on. Nor did he need a soul mate. He had Bella, and he was committed to her. She was his soul mate.

If Jacob left Bella, the way would be more open for me, but she would be very hurt. I may be the last thing she wants to see. Realistically, Jacob's leaving may make no difference for me because she may not be able to forgive me. This was my seventh pain. How could she ever forgive me for what I did?

My last pain was that I could not kill Jacob Black, as much as I might wish to. I could not walk into their tiny house and rip him limb from limb for daring to love my Bella. He was the father of her child and she loved him. Also, I owed him for all the ways he had helped, healed, and protected Bella. It rankled, but for these reasons, I could not kill him. How could I kill the one man who made her happy? I had destroyed her in leaving and I had failed in not protecting her. How could I add his death to the long list of my sins against her?

Amidst all of my pain and fear, there were moments of hope. There were times, mostly when Jacob was gone, that Bella got a look on her face that made me think she was remembering something. She would often sigh during these times. Was she thinking of me?

Then, I was still in her dreams, even after all this time. It didn't happen very often, but when it did, I felt a thrill. Tonight was one of those nights. Jacob was up late working on the crib he was building. Bella waited up for him for a long time, but then finally gave up and went to bed. After she had been asleep for a little while, a low, soft moan came out of her throat. My ears pricked up, so did Jacob's I noticed.

"Mmm, Edward…Please… Don't stop…Mmm…" She was quiet for a while.

I heard Jacob sigh and then grumble, "Not this again. Stupid bloodsucker."

Bella let out a whimper. Jacob stood up. "Don't leave, please don't leave. I'll die! Don't you care? Don't you care about the baby? Edward!"

Worried about her, Jacob began walking up the stairs, but then froze at their bedroom's doorframe, because Bella then said, "It was supposed to be you, Edward, not him." At this statement, I froze just as Jacob had. After a moment of stillness, his hands began to shake. Then, Bella said as clear as anything, "I don't want you anymore."

He took three deep breaths to stop the shaking, and then went over to the bed. He shook Bella's shoulder gently. "Bella? Wake up! It was just a dream. Wake up!"

She must have opened her eyes, because she said, "Jake?"

"Hey."

"What's wrong?"

"You were just having a bad dream."

"Oh." She sounded embarrassed.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Um, I'm not sure," she hedged, sounding nervous.

"It's okay. I know it was about him." He said the pronoun with significance. Apparently, I was an unmentionable in their house.

Bella let out a sigh. "It was just the forest that night, but a little different. I was 17 again, but I was pregnant. I think it was Mike Newton's baby. Wow, I haven't thought about him in a long time. Anyways, I guess the baby was Mike's, only because he took it from him somehow; it didn't really make sense."

"You said, 'I don't want you anymore.' Who were you saying that to?"

"No, that was… that was him. He said that…that day."

Jacob growled and pulled Bella to himself. "He was an idiot."

Bella laughed a little but then made a tisking noise. "Jake! Anyways, I'm sorry. Did I make you worry?"

"A little. You haven't dreamt about him in a while."

"I know… I've been thinking about him a lot recently."

"You have?" Jacob sounded unsure about this new information.

"Yeah, all the…Cullens actually. It doesn't hurt so much anymore, so I've been wondering what they've been doing and stuff. They were such a big part of my life. It would be hard to forget them."

"Yeah." Jacob was trying to be reasonable and understanding, but he was still worried. Deep down, he still felt that if any of my family came around, Bella would leave him. "So, um, before the whole weird forest scene, was something else happening?" I knew he was referring to the moaning and asking me not to stop.

Bella laughed a little shakily. "Umm, well, that was Edward, but also Mike. It kept going back and forth, you know. No wonder it was so confusing who the baby belonged to."

"Huh, weird."

"Definitely. So, are you going to come to bed or what?"

Jacob let out a huff of surprise at something Bella was doing. He let out a low rumble, almost a purr, and joined her in the bed. I couldn't stand listening to this tonight, not after all she said, so I silently walked far enough away that I wouldn't hear her, fully intending on coming back in a little while.

When I came back to the little yellow house, Bella and Jacob were both asleep. Jacob was dreaming about running through the woods as a wolf. As usual, I had no idea what Bella was dreaming about.

"Edward," she finally said. I smiled.

1 Bella describes what Edward did when he left in this way in New Moon. I attributed it to Edward here.