Author's Notes: Hello, this is one shot that I thought about writing for a while but never actually got to it. Well here it is.
The Story is set after Season Four's 'Fifth Halliwheel', after Paige has screwed up her relationship with her sisters she debates her decision of slipping back into old Habits.
Warning: Involves mention of Alcohol use.
Disclaimer: I don't own Charmed or any of its Characters but i do own this story line. I also don't own the song used in this fic.
Lyrics: 'Breathe Me' by Sia... such a great great song! I was going to use 'Gravity' by Sara Bareilles but I was listening to this song while writing and it seemed to fit more than Gravity.
P.S. Lyrics are in bold, flash backs and thoughts are in italics, while what is actually happening is in normal font (but there might be italics in the middle if it's a thought or something someone said). I think i just got myself confused trying to explain it, you'll get it!
You rest your arms across the cold counter and can't help but wonder... 'How did I get here?' You were doing so good for so long... 'How did I end up like this?' You question yourself trying to find a reason, a good reason for why you shouldn't do this; hoping that if you had a good reason you can overcome this again because if you don't you will end up like you did years ago.
I have done it again
I have been here many times before
"No, I don't hate Cole, Phoebe. I just don't trust him. I don't know why I feel that way, I just, I don't. I'm sorry.", you say those words and immediately regret it when you see the hurt splashing across Phoebe's face.
"Yeah. So am I.", Phoebe said, her voice steady trying not to reveal how angry and hurt she was but you know how she feels by merely looking into her eyes.
Phoebe walks away and Piper gets up and follows her. You want to kick yourself, couldn't you have stayed quiet, did you have to tell her that you don't trust the love of her life?
You feel guilty for screwing up your relationship with your sister, now they will never let you in again. You thought you have been doing good, even Piper was starting to warm up to you but now that wasn't going to happen. You screwed up.
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
By now all your senses are hyper acute; the sound of it being poured into the glass is now too familiar again, the color gives you a visual memory of how all the different kinds looked like, the smell gives you a faint reminder of how it used to feel after the first sip, the feeling of the cold glass against your palm is almost normal. The only thing you're missing right now is the taste.
You walk out of P3 with one thought in your head, alcohol. 'No!' you think to yourself, you can't be thinking about it after all these years. Ah the bitter sweet liquid, it has just the right numbing effect that you need. 'No!' You again think to yourself, you can't give in to the temptation after all these years. It hasn't been that long but it was long enough for you to know you shouldn't give in.
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
But before you know it you're sitting at the first bar you come across, and you order your first drink for the night. The bartender looks at you skeptically when you hesitate at ordering but complies when you do. He didn't think about the internal struggle you were having, why would he? He gets paid by getting customers to drink not the other way around.
You twirl the glass around in your hand, you don't want to do this and yet you do. It would be so easy to down the the entire glass, but you know if you do you will never be the same again. You know if you give in, a part of you will die; the part that has been struggling all those years to not do what you are about to do, the part of you that has been in pain for endless hours instead of feeling the soothing effect of alcohol, the part of you that swore to turn life around and to never fall down this path again.
I am small
Warm me up
And breathe me
'I've earned it by now!" you try to ratiocinate with yourself but you know that you haven't earned it because you were trying to stop this from happening, you don't earn what you are trying to avoid. You mentally scold yourself for thinking that was a good reason.
'It's just one drink!" you think to yourself but you know it isn't just one drink. It is the end of an internal struggle that lasted for 8 years, it is the end of self control you thought you've mastered, it's the end of the Paige Matthews that has turned her life around. This isn't just a drink, it is the beginning of the end because you know once you have this glass it won't be the last.
I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
You know that the moment your tongue tastes the bittersweet drink, and your throat gets the numbing effect you desire there is no stopping. You will go through that downward spire again and there is no stopping this time. Last time you stopped because of your parents death but there is no stopping this time, what is there to make you stop after all? Your sisters? You don't have them anymore, you have only known them for a while and you have seen how expendable and worthless you are.
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
You needed something, anything to prevent the tears from falling. You aren't a person who cries but when you do that meant you were really hurting. The alcohol would stop you from feeling the pain, that pain tugging at your heart reminding you of how screwed up you are. The alcohol was your friend, it can take all the pain away and leave you emotionless.
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Ever since you were little you have always felt something was missing, a part of you was demanding to be found. And you did find that part when you met your sisters, granted one of them was gone so you felt like a small part of you was lost, but finding your sisters fulfilled you as a person. When you finally found them and they started to let you in, you never thought you will be back to this again, back to feeling worthless and so small. You never thought you will be trying to find a reason not to slip back into old habits. Alcohol has always numbed that feeling that you had of something being missing and tonight you really need that.
I am small
Everything was going in slow motion for you after you take a deep breath; you lift the glass to your mouth really slow, it wasn't like you were in any hurry to destroy your life. You feel the glass on your lips but you don't dare to taste the drink, not yet. You close your eyes and fight back the tears, you don't know why they are there, was it because you were about to let 8 years go down the drain or was it because you were happy you will not feel pain anymore or was it because there was nothing there to stop you. The smell of alcohol burns your nostrils and everything feels as if it was normal. All that was missing was the last step; you know it will be worth it because once the drink fills your mouth it will numb your senses. You slowly and carefully tilt the glass.
Warm me up
"Don't!", her voice that you note as angelic, considering the situation, tells you and the tears flow down your face; 'Is it too late?'.
And breathe me
Author's Notes: I know the ending is kinda vague but I would like to hear your guesses. Hope you liked it, tell me what you think!