Scarlet Hour, 2/25/10

My first shot at a humor. Hope you like it!


Hokage Application 1996

Instructions: Print clearly in black or blue ink. Answer all questions. Sign and date the form.


First Name: Naruto_

Middle Name: none given_

Last Name: Uzumaki_

Age: 16_

Sex: Waiting for marriage_

Email Address: I'mGonnaBeHokageDattebayo (yahoo)_

Hidden Village/Land:

Kohohagakure/Land of Fire_

Phone Number: Contactable through Jounin Agency ext. 661

If you are under age 18, do you have an employment/age certificate?

Yes X No _

How were you referred to us?(Check all that apply)

Television Advertisement_
Informational Presentation_
War-time Emergency
Yellow Pages_

If "other", please specify: Visions, dreams_


Position Applied For: Hokage_

Days Available:

Monday X _ Tuesday X_ Wednesday X_ Thursday X_ Friday X_ Saturday X_ Sunday X_

Hours Available:

from: 'Wee of Morning'_ to: 'Happy' _

What date are you available to start work? Immediately_

Can you work on the weekends? Yes

Can you work evenings? As long as The Office isn't on

Are you available to work overtime? Do I have a choice?

Salary desired: $_ Eventually I want to be one of those puckered old men with a gorgeous young model for a wife. Does that answer your question?

Do you have any friends, relatives, or acquaintances who have worked for us? Yes X_ No_ If 'yes', state name & relationship:

Minato Namikaze (4th Hokage)- Father

Tsunade Senju- mentor/acquaintance

If hired, would you have transportation to/from work? Yes, if tree-hopping will suffice

If hired, would you be able to present evidence of your citizenship or proof of your legal right to work in Konoha?

Yes X_ No_

If hired, are you willing to submit to and pass a controlled substance test?

Yes_ No_ Yes, but require a 24 hour notice period.

Are you able to perform all the essential functions of the job for which you are applying, either with/without reasonable accommodation?

Yes_ No X__

If "no", describe the functions that cannot be performed:

Making the bed, ripping peoples' souls out and cutting them off, unsupervised meetings with frightening ambassadors, etc._


Have you ever been convicted of a criminal offense (felony or misdemeanor)? [X] Yes or [ ] No

If "yes", please describe the crime – state nature of the crime(s), any other persons involved, and disposition of the case.

1. Vandalism of Konoha village Hokage monuments (age 12- acquitted)

2. Illegal use of Sexy-No-Jutsu to gain advantage in school exams (age 12-acquitted)

3. Cheating on state Chuunin exam (age 12- they never found out)

4. Questionable methods of attack against peers in Chuunin preliminary matches (age 12- acquitted, but not forgiven)

5. Founder and Manager of Konoha Village Under-Aged Children Sweatshop (…)

6. Theft of one package of ramen noodles every Thursday since July 1992 (Eventually a law was passed legalizing the habit for me)

7. Repeated instances of "playing hooky" (ages 12, 13, 14, 15. Also accused: Sasuke Uchiha, Sakura Haruno, Hinata Hyuuga, Shikamaru Nara, Kiba Inuzuka, Shino Aburame, Ino Yamanaka, Chouji Akimichi. State eventually stopped trying to force ninja to attend school)

8. Utter destruction of Konoha Village, also resulting in numerous deaths of revered figures (age 1 month- Demon Fox deemed responsible, acquitted)

9. Misconduct in public bath houses (age 15- acquitted)

10. Considerable physical damage (explosions, plant uprooting, crater formation, etc.) to nearly every natural sight in Konoha (age 12,13, 14, 15. Also accused: Nearly every other ninja in Konoha. Casualties of battles; acquitted)

11. (continued on back of application)

(NaruNote: All offenses have either been ruled benign in nature or have not been detected, demonstrating a clear mastery of the ninja stealth way.)


School name: _Konoha High_

Number of years completed: _4_ Did you graduate? [X] Yes or [ ] No

Degree/diploma earned in: _Bombastic Speech-Making_


School name: _N/A_ Number of years completed: _ Did you graduate? [ ] Yes or [ ] No Degree/diploma earned: _

Report marks received (1-10) in each of the following categories and cite a major example of your experience in the field.

Ninjutsu- 10 [Excellent use of Rasengan]

Genjutsu- 10 [Complete mastery of Kage Bushin no Jutsu]

Taijutsu-7 [Punched Gaara once]

Kekkei Genkai- None, but a demon fox lives inside me

Sealing Jutsu- Had it done on me, but never actually tried it.

Please compile a brief list of people whose lives/outlooks you have changed in the past few years. Attach additional pages if necessary.

1. Name: Sabaku no Gaara, Kazekage
Changed by: Losing a fight
Previous reason for living: To kill everyone ruthlessly
New reason for living: To be Kazekage and protect Suna

2. Name: Neji Hyuuga
Changed by: Losing a fight
Previous reason for living: To mope about not having pupils. Oh, and being in the branch family.
New reason for living: To protect head family

3. Name: Inari
Changed by: Observance of resilience
Previous reason for living: Time-wasting flashbacks
New reason for living: To protect family and village

4. Name: Sai
Changed by: Observance of dedication to friends
Previous reason for living: Never really figured that part out
New reason for living: Completion of team 7

(NaruNote: Numerous other examples, too tedious and repetitive to be included here, are briefly summarized in additional pages on back of application.)

Describe any experience you have with foreign nations and ambassadors. Include the land, hidden village and purpose of visit.

1. Visited Village Hidden in the Sand [Land of Wind]. Invitation of Sabaku no Gaara, Kazekage
2. C/B rated ninja mission with team to Village Hidden in the Mist [Land of Water]. Contacts with Zabuza Momochi and Haku (deceased)
3. Brief trip for no apparent reason to Village Hidden in the Rocks [Land of Earth]. Filler episode-no living contacts
4. C rated ninja mission to Village Hidden in Rain (see above)
5. Contact with great swordsman Kisame, Land of Waves. Great Naruto Bridge exists there.
6. Contacts with several members of Village Hidden in Sound, many of which tried to kill me, during Chuunin exams. All contacts except Orochimaru deceased.

Other Abilities/Skills:

1. Extensive extracurricular study under the honorable Sannin, Jiraiya
2. Ability to summon a giant frog
3. Ability to walk on water
4. Sexy-no-Jutsu (useful for diplomacy)
5. Can function without any encouragement, even when people watch with hate in their eyes and hearts


Present Or Last Position: Photographer

Employer/Supervisor: Jiraiya

Phone: N/A

Position Title: "Idiot Kid"

From: _June 1995_ To: Present_

Responsibilities: Taking perverted photographs of whatever Jiraiya asks me to, because my body is supple and can fit in more hiding places, (i.e. lockers in women's changing room, etc.)_

Reason for Leaving: Had enough_

Briefly describe any other jobs held in the last three years.

1. Position: Waiter in Ichiraku Ramen Bar
Responsibilities: Take customers' orders, wipe counter tops, empty trash bins

2. Position: Assistant in Konoha Morgue
Responsibilities: Check that bodies are still dead, write letters of consolation, paperwork

3. Position: Worked briefly as a cupboard in Konoha furniture factory
Responsibilities: N/A

(NaruNote: I know it looks like I've been job-hopping, but honestly, I honor my work. I've never quit a job.)

May We Contact Your Present Employer?

Yes _ No _ Please don't X__


Please list at least three references (no family members) by name, title, and contact information

1. Iruka Umino- Mentor and friend from middle school days. Contactable through Konoha Junior High, extension 447

2. Kakashi Hatake- Mentor and teacher. Available to contact through Konoha Genin Training Center, extension 528. If this fails, drop an Icha Icha Paradise book on the ground and wait.

3. Shizune and Pig- Mentor and friend. Contactable through Hokage department, assistant.

4. Sasuke Uchiha- Friend/arch rival. To contact, call 188-OROCHIMARU'S-SECRET-LAIR and ask for Sasuke. Try not to get stuck in a conversation with Kabuto.

**Please enclose a letter of recommendation from one of these references.


Make note of any achievements not mentioned thus far.

1. Konoha Prom King, 1994

2. Leader of Genin training squad, 1995

3. Saved entire village single-handedly from attacking forces of Akatsuki while also managing to seal away demon fox within, 1995

Name a Few Hobbies: Training/getting stronger, changing people's outlooks, ramen_

Please write a short essay of no more than five hundred words detailing why you think you would make a good Hokage. (References to personal history and life-changing battles would not go amiss. Feel free to complete this section in blood, as it will make you seem hardcore.)

(attached to back of application)

I certify that information contained in this application is true and complete. I understand that false information may be grounds for not hiring me or immediate launching of another fifty-episode filler arc. I authorize the verification of any or all information listed above.

Sign Here: Libra_



"It's finally out!" Naruto shouted in exileration as he walked away from the post office stretching his arms over his head. "I can't wait!"

"Let's just hope they don't mind that your criminal record spans for three pages," Sakura pointed out, catching up behind him.

"Oh, come on, half of those were completely innocent!" Naruto said dismissively, waving his hand carelessly. "I mean, it's not like anyone in Konoha actually goes to school anyway!"

"Actually, I was talking about the vandalism of Hokage statues…when you're applying to be Hokage—" Sakura tried to point out, but Naruto wasn't listening.

"The NaruNotes ought to clear everything up. That, and also the whole saving the whole village thing must count for something, right? I just can't wait to hear back from them! I hope Sasuke wrote something good in my recommendation letter, I didn't have time to read it before sending it out 'cause the first time he mailed it to me it had an Orochimaru stamp on it and I thought it looked bad so I had him redo it—"

Naruto chattered on and Sakura smiled vaguely, carefully avoiding eye contact as the two of them made their way to the ramen shop to celebrate. Although in some ways Naruto was perfect for the job, she couldn't help but feel a little nervous about how his application would be received.