Date Jitters

I stayed at Bella's until 4:00 am. Any later and the humans may catch me. Such bliss to hold her in my arms and hope she will want me in a few hours. What I would give to be able to sleep beside her, love her the way a man can, to have children with her, and grow old with her. Alas that is not to be.

It is now 6:00 am. Since that the moment I left I have been angst.

I have spent the last two hours attempting to play the piano, I tried Esme's piece no luck, I am thinking about a piece for Bella – no luck, heck I even tried a piece for Rosalie a frustrated, cranky piece and that might have helped. Nothing else does. What if she runs from me and never wants to see me again. What if drain her. What if I change her accidently, because I would not let her die if I did bite her. I want to change her and keep her with me. It is inexcusable to feel this but I do. I must be strong. If she still wants me after I tell her that I am a cold immortal – I must keep her safe and human. To have her love me – Wow what an amazing dream. But I am a soulless, monster how could she want me? I just know she is going to run screaming to stay away from her and she will probably go back to Phoenix. The agony makes my heart feel like it is shattering in pain.

Finally, it is 6:30 – time to get ready. Where is the evil Pixie when I need her? (Alice knows she is needed and excitedly runs in). She dresses me in Khakis and a white shirt. She is jubilant – but yet she is deliberately shutting me out. Err. Now Esme and my father come by to wish me well and Esme takes a pre-first date photo. How human. Nevermind Emmett's thoughts - keeping myself out of morass that is his head. He is a good brother – the brother I never had in my human life. But his crude thoughts can be revolting – not to mention I do not like to imagine Rose like that.

I need to wash my brain with bleach now.