Da Orky Adventurez of Uzumaki Naruto
In the void of space, there are few things as peaceful as an uninhabited planet. Untouched by the troubles of life, they bask quietly in the light of their mother stars, one of the most serene views in the universe. E-187-606 was a prime example of this type of planet, only listed on Imperial records as beautiful and
"LOOK OUT DA WINDOW! IZ DAT ARMAGIDDON? WELL?" Warboss Naffthug Badork shouted as he held Dakkawort Boltz, resident big mek, by his throat with his (inactive) powah klaw. Said mek was currently pressed face first against the main panorama window of the Flyin' Warsquig.
"Ack Ugh Gargle." Boltz replied. Realising his subordinate's need for air, Naffthug released his grip slightly.
"Uh, no boss, dat's not Armagiddon." Boltz replied. The few orks around the bridge wisely kept their distance to their boss. Having recently suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of the Crimson Fist space marines, they were lucky to get out with their space hulk intact. Although 'intact' was probably too much praise for the mish-mash of fused together ships, asteroids and other space-junk. To say Naffthug was pissed was to say the Titanic was waterlogged. Currently they were headed to Armageddon, a planet famous for being the most contested planet in the sector. Target of two subsequent Whaagh!'s, it became a synonym for 'prolonged conflict', and it was the closest thing to an Ork's idea of heaven in existence. Naffthug planned to get into the thick of the fighting, find the biggest, baddest boys available, and shanghai them into a quest for vengeance against the marines that had cost him so much. Unfortunately, that involved actually getting there first.
"Boltz, get yar slimy self down to flyin' control and get me boyz down ter Armagiddon NOW!" Naffthug said, hurtling his subordinate away. Not wanting to attract any more attention (and bullets, stabs, slices, etc.) Boltz ran for it.
In the void of space, there are few things as peaceful as an uninhabited planet. Untouched by the troubles of life, they bask quietly in the light of their mother stars, one of the most serene views in the universe. E-837-357 was a prime example of this type of planet, only listed on Imperial records as beautiful and
"GRRAAGH! BOLTZ! GET OVER 'ERE SO I CAN SHOOT YA!"
Upon finding the big mek, Naffthug had had (by ork standards) a stroke of genius. Stuffing Boltz in his own shokk attack gun, Naffthug pointed it to a random star and pulled the trigger. While this may seem not that dangerous to the uninitiated, let us take a moment to observe just how monumentally stupid this actually was. A shock attack gun is a marvel of technology, normally making miniature tunnels through the warp allowing living beings to safely travel past light speeds while avoiding all the usual dangers of daemons, time-warping, spatial distortions and other weirdness normally associated with warp travel. If researched properly, the technology had the potential of making safe, instant interstellar travel a reality, resulting in a much safer, happier universe with flowers and bunnies and dancing children and all that. Orks being Orks, they use them to shoot snotlings at people.
Now, as stated above, a shock attack gun is designed to fire snotlings, not a large ork. Especially not into a warp engine, a machine that basically punches gaping holes in reality. And if one should shoot an Ork at a warp engine anyway, the best way to fix said engine does not involve shouting at the power core for half an hour, open up a random maintenance hatch and dump in some parts, and finally empty ones big shoota in the navigation section. It is unfortunate that no one dared to tell the enraged warboss this.
"If ya wants somefing done right an' propa ya gots ter do it yaself." Naffthug grumbled, after completing his 'kustomizations' of the warp drive.
"Awroight yar gits! Ere we go!" he shouted, and pushed the activation button. Two star systems, fifteen planets, six moons and hundreds of nearby deamons ceased to exist.
Naruto was petrified by what had just happened. The secret to his lonely childhood had just been revealed to him by Mizuki, his former teacher turned traitor. He was no stranger to pain, but this cut deeper than anything he had ever felt before. Then, even more confusing, his other teacher, Iruka, had just saved him at the cost of himself. Even as Mizuki approached, he realized he had to do something, anything to protect the man who had taken a giant shuriken for him. A strange anger gripped him as he made the hand-signs for his new technique.
"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"
Just as Naruto performed his new technique, something strange happened. He was covered in a green hue. Eyes lit up with a red glow. Power surged through the tiny body of the twelve year old as a new presence made itself known to the world. In a huge puff of smoke, the clearing was suddenly filled with green figures of all shapes and sizes. Their number reached into the thousands, covering every exposed space visible, and Mizuki knew instinctively this was only a portion of the total amount.
"Hah! A failed bunshin won't stop me!" Mizuki taunted. While he was amazed by the sheer number of clones, he was confident that the failed clones would dispel in a few seconds. They didn't. The ugly creatures just sat there, blinking, trying and failing to progress how they got here.
"Wot da zog jus' happened?"
Naruto didn't know what just happened. First his kage bunshin failed, and now they didn't dispel as usual? Well, he wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Even if they were untrained simpletons, this amount of fighters would be enough to wear down a Jonin.
"Alright everyone! Attack!" he shouted, jumping up to confront Mizuki.
"Hah! as if a lowly academy student like you could defeat me!" Mizuki shouted back, throwing his fuuma shuriken. Naruto dodged by twisting his body, but the clone behind him wasn't so lucky and took it square to the chest, dispelling it instantly. This got the others moving.
"Oy! Look wot dat 'umie did ta Kullz!"
"Les get 'im!"
"Come on ladz! Dakka dakka dakka!"
"Well, I ain't got a bleedin' idea wot jus' happened, but dat woz fun!" Naffthug said, after Mizuki (and half of the surrounding forest) had been reduced to bullet-ridden piles of ash. That got blasted to bits and stomped on for good measure. Strangely enough they had been cheered on by a human in orange while doing this, not that they needed any encouragement, but it was nice to know someone appreciated what they were doing. Suddenly, Naffthug, as well as every other ork with him, felt as if they were being hauled through a long black tunnel, and wound up in a sewer. Naffthug decided that enough was enough.
"AWWRIGHT! 'OSE TOSSIN US 'BOUT THRU DA WARP GET YAR GITSY SELF OVER 'ERE! I WANNA SPLIT UR EADS NOW!"
To the surprise of all the boyz present, someone actually answered. Nobody said anything near da Boss if he was angry.
"Be silent, green one, you're disturbing my sleep." Naffthug turned to the direction the voice came from, and was startled by a large cage behind them.
"Wot's dis den? A squigpit?" He asked mockingly. Two great red eyes opened, lighting up the darkness, slowly coming closer.
Naffthug immediately unloaded his big shoota in the eyes, and with a terrible roar of pain they vanished back into the darkness.
"Annoyin'." Naffthug finished for it. "Roight, now dat dat's settled, let's get ter makin' a fortress."
Naruto fell down on his bed grinning, his new headband firmly tied to his head. After the battle, he had been given one by Iruka when he showed he could also produce normal shadow clones.
'I can't wait to show this to the others, they'll... think... I'm... amazing... now...' He passed out after the thought had formed, exhausted.
He was in a sewer of sorts, shouts and grunts coming from somewhere ahead, along with the occasional explosion and clanking noises.
'O-kay, where am I?' Naruto thought, wandering about for a bit. Soon, he found the source of the noise. It was the clones. Hundreds of the green monsters were toiling about, some breaking down the wall and ceilings of the sewer, others using the rubble to strengthen a massive fortress they were building, and more doing all sorts of menial labour, ranging from fussing over great lumps of metal with stubby legs and great claws to herding sharp-toothed beasts of burden. The fortress itself was enormous, breaking through the roof of the sewer, and was made from all sorts of materials, ranging from sheets of steel, brick walls and bits of rubble to duct tape and little brown lumps that did not warrant closer inspection. At the other side of the fortress was a huge gate, covered in all sorts of strange glyphs. Somehow, Naruto thought it would be very bad if he was discovered. Slowly, he made his way towards the gate, figuring it was important if it was so heavily decorated. Reaching the gate, he nervously peered around the corner at the side, seeing nothing but blackness.
"So, my jailer finally honours me with a visit. Took you long enough." A voice said menacingly from the darkness.
"Who- Who's there?" Naruto whispered, a bit scared by everything that was happening. A red fox the size of a large wolf appeared, nine tails elegantly swaying behind him.
"Now, I'm insulted. Surely, you know of me, since that fool Mizuki told you." it said.
"Kyuubi?" Naruto asked in shock.
"Yes, it is I, the great Kyuubi no Kitsune." the fox replied arrogantly, staring at Naruto as if he were a pile of dog droppings. Something didn't sit right with Naruto.
"Why are you so small?" he asked.
The Kyuubi huffed.
"Because if I was big, you'd be discovered by these new... tenants. What you need to do now is listen. I do not know what exactly happened, but these brutes arrived here roughly the same time you used that little trick of yours. The kage bunshin normally evenly spreads out your soul over the clones, but because suddenly there were so many souls present in your mind, instead each soul got its own body, as well as the unique characteristics of their normal bodies. Don't ask me how they got here, they just appeared out of thin air along with half of that fortress."
Naruto tried to make sense of this.
"So what you saying is, normally all the clones would look like me because they're part of me. But now, I just used these guys to make the clones, so they looked like them."
"Correct. More importantly, when the clones dispelled, those souls wound up here, in your mind. And you can see what they are doing to it." Kyuubi said. Naruto looked around and many of the green things were busily destroying the surroundings.
"Wait, if this is my mind, then what they're breaking down is..."
"Yes. For now, they mostly broke down unimportant stuff, mental blocks and the like, but if you're not careful, soon they'll start tearing down, say, your memories, or your self control."
"But then I've got to stop them!"
"Wait you fool! You've seen what they did to Mizuki, what do you think they'll do to you!"
"But I can't just sit here!"
"Correct again. You'll have to learn how to fight with your mind before engaging them."
"How do I do that?"
"Enter my cage and I'll show you."
"No way! You're dangerous too, why should I trust you?"
"Because if these things were to take control over you, you'd be killed within a week, and by extension, so would I. Plus I hate them more than you."
"So, how long will this take?"
"About two months."
"What? We haven't got two months, we've barely got two hours by the rate they're tearing this place down!"
"I have the ability to speed up time in my cage. Just step in." Naruto hesitantly, until he finally was in front of the Kyuubi.
"And now?" he asked.
"Now, I'LL EAT YOU HAHAHAHA!" The fox laughed, pouncing on him. Yelling, Naruto protectively put his arms over his head, but instead of sharp teeth he only felt the Kyuubi's warm breath. Opening one eye, he peeked up at the Kyuubi, who merely grinned at him.
"Couldn't resist." it said, grinning. "Now come, we have a lot to do."
Naruto glanced back into his mind, all of the greenskins frozen in mid-step, before turning to follow the fox.
Naruto looked out, towards the fortress, and prepared himself. Calm yourself, focus on your goal, and let nothing stop you. That was the way to victory.
"Keep in mind, you're god here. All their attacks can only hurt you if you let them." Kyuubi reminded him. They were both standing in front of the gate, after a gruelling time of training. It was just day after day of training, no sleeping, no eating, not even breaks.
'In your mind, nothing is real. Not hunger, not weariness, not even pain. All are just products of your imagination, and can be dismissed as such.' Kyuubi had taught him. 'The great part is this means that we don't need to pause for sleeping, eating or healing. Of course, the downside is that because we don't need a break, you're not going to get any.'
A training marathon of nearly two full months, that was a lot even for a stamina freak like Naruto. He just wanted to get this over with, now.
"I remember, just like all the other seven thousand times you told me. I kick their ass, get some sleep and wake up in time to get my team assignments. Easy." Naruto growled. Kyuubi might have agreed not to harm him, the damn fox still had quite a passion for pranks, though harmless still quite annoying. He stepped out of the cage.
Naruto grabbed the two guards at the gate by the throat, moving at such a high speed that they didn't see him until their faces collided with the metal gate.
"Where is your boss?" he asked.
"Lemme go pinkie!" the one on the right shouted. Naruto tightened his grip.
"Wrong answer." he said, and turned to the other ork. "How 'bout you, feel like talking?" It took one look at his mate being chocked to death before answering.
"Da boss is at da top, fightin' dem deamon fings. Um, lemme go, plees?" Naruto dropped the both of them, and jumped up the building onto the city streets above. What he saw shocked him. The village had many similarities to Konoha, only twisted, evil somehow. The sky was blood red, casting a spooky light over the buildings, which resembled giant rotten teeth from a distance. Most disturbing however, was the battle in the streets where he now stood. The greenskins were engaged in a furious melee with things that resembled humans, only with hateful red eyes and armed with a variety of weaponry ranging from elegantly curved knives to huge blunt clubs. What was worse, every time one fell, it would go up in smoke, and would then slowly reform some distance away. The same was true for the clones, although they would regenerate somewhere in the bottom of the fortress instead of the streets. Everywhere there was nothing but war. Half a dozen greenies ganged up on a thing that seemed to be made of a bunch of stitched together corpses, dead hands somehow wielding serrated blades with deadly dexterity. On another corner, a howling fiend lifted a severed head victoriously, only to be cut apart by the monsters allies. In the centre of the battle, Naruto saw what he thought could only be 'da boss'. Huge, nearly ten feet tall, it cackled with glee as it sheared another deamon in half with a sparking set of claws, tearing through them dozens at a time with his tube weapons, a whirlwind of hacking, stabbing, biting, shooting motion.
'And I'm about to piss it off.' Naruto thought as he readied himself. He approached the ork, downright ignoring the others, their weapons passing through him as mist.
Naffthug was having a rare good time, crunching heads, shearing limbs, shooting people in half and generally enjoying himself when he was suddenly interrupted by something small and blonde that sent him flying across the battlefield.
"Oi! Who did dat?" he yelled, staggering to his feet.
"I did." a small blonde human answered.
"I'll smash ya fer dat! Get ovah 'ere so I can crump ya!"
"Okay." and, moving so fast he was nearly a blur, the human closed the distance and backhanded Naffthug again. Trying to get to his feet a vicious kick sent him sprawling. Unfettered, Naffthug tried to shoot the humie, but it dodged almost all the shots, and those that did find their mark flew through the humie's body as of he was made of mist. The humie paused, looking at the fallen Warboss with pity.
"Surrender." the human demanded.
"Nevah." Naffthug replied through broken teeth. He got kicked again for his efforts.
"I am a god here! Surrender!"
"Ya aint my god, dey'z green an' orky. I'll nevah bow fer ya."
"If you mean" suddenly the small human was replaced by a figure, resembling an ork, only easily twice as large as the largest Ork the boyz had ever seen, stood over Naffthug. "I NEEDS TER BE LIKE DIS, DEN DATS NO PROBLEM." Something went click in Naffthug's mind.
"You Gork." he said. "You da biggest boss dere is... But den why wear such a puny 'umie form?"
"Because I feel like it." the god said, resuming its human form again. "Do I need to explain myself?"
"Um, no. You da boss!"
"There's a good ork. Now follow me for a sec, there's someone I want you to meet."
They stood in front of the Kyuubi's cage, Kyuubi having extracted all usable information from Naffthug through a mind melting technique ("Picked it up from a pointy-eared traveler I ate one day."). He tossed Naffthug out again, who was a bit dazed by the ordeal, but otherwise fine.
"It would seem that they broke down the barrier holding your nightmares in check, and have enjoyed keeping the deamons at bay that flowed forth. It's good that you didn't interrupt the others fighting above, or you'd have to face your nightmares over and over again until the barrier reformed." Kyuubi said.
"So, the fighting their doing now is a good thing?" Naruto asked.
"Yes. But this does mean that you can't summon all of them at once, or you'd be left with no mental defense."
"Oh." Naruto turned to Naffthug. "Well, you heard him. Back to fighting."
At this, the ork, who had been steadily getting more bored as things progressed, visibly perked up.
"Sure fing boss!" Naffthug ran back to the front, hollering with joy. "Outta da way ya grots! 'Ere I go! WHAAAGH!"
"Don't worry about that, they're naturally psychotic. It won't affect you." Kyuubi said, seeing Naruto's discomfort at the ork's bloodlust.
"How much is 'all of them' anyway?" Naruto asked curiously. The Kyuubi shrugged.
"Can't tell from here, but I'd say at least five thousand. Probably more."
"How is that possible? I only summoned about a thousand clones, max!"
"Well in that case most must have shared a cloned body and retained a strong enough sense of self to remain separate entities. Either that or a whole lot of them are now insane schizophrenics. Not my concern to be honest. Anyway, it's about time you woke up don't you think?"
Naruto gave him a blank stare. "What do you mean? I thought more time passed here then in the real world?"
"Two months brain time plus all the time it took to learn that stuff from the ork still add up. I'd hurry if I were you. After all, it's already past nine." Kyuubi said, leaving a bewildered Naruto behind.
With a shock, Naruto woke up, ad looked at his alarm clock. 8:56. He was so dead. Unless... remembering Naffthug's words about speed freeks, he focused on the image of an ork bike, jumped out the window and used his new favourite technique.